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Original poster

Bf lied about why he couldn’t come out with me tonight AIBU to be upset?

76 replies

flowersrain1 · 25/09/2021 20:22

I’m out tonight for a friend’s birthday in Manchester (30 min train journey from where I live). My bf of six months was invited but declined, saying he didn’t really have enough money - money has been tight for us both this month as we were away last weekend to celebrate my mum’s 60th and we booked a last minute break to go away next week. That was fine with me - I’m pretty independent and happy to go alone and I appreciate that last weekend was probably a lot for him.

Bf has social anxiety which he has been open about with me from the beginning. I never put any pressure on him to come to events with me, although he does more often than not. He did really well at my mum’s 60th last weekend, chatting to people and socialising - you’d never have known he had an issue with it. He did tell me he found it tiring though.

Anyway, this morning we were in bed and he was messaging his friend about coming over this weekend evening. He showed me a message the friend sent about not being able to get petrol and earlier up the chat bf suggested getting a takeaway tonight.

So he can afford a takeaway this evening but not a train ticket to Manchester (max £15) and a couple of drinks (which would be non alcoholic as he doesn’t really drink and therefore not expensive?)

I have no problem with him not wanting to come with me this evening, I just wish he’d been honest and not used money as an excuse. I pulled him up on it and he said the friend would be buying the takeaway but I think he has just said that to appease me.

AIBU to be upset that he lied about the reason he wasnt able to come with me? Honesty and transparency is important to me in a relationship and I feel he has violated that a bit really.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2021 03:13

Fucking hell, he didn't lie. Are you ever satisfied? He's gone out of his comfort zone to please you quite a bit, and yet it's still all about you. He wanted to see his friend, not yours, and that's a problem? FFS.

AgentJohnson · 26/09/2021 06:17

I think it’s unanimous, he did not lie and you are over dramatic.

My advice to him would be to get out now!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 26/09/2021 06:41

Give him a break!

bigbaggyeyes · 26/09/2021 06:49

A takeaway at home will be a lot less than a train journey and a few drinks out in Manchester, so no, I don't think he's lied

daisypond · 26/09/2021 06:54

YABU.

snowblack · 26/09/2021 07:26

Give the poor guy a break, yabvu.

Needahug72 · 26/09/2021 07:34

YABVU part of my social anxiety is not wanting to be rude about not going someplace so instead of saying no I can’t go because of anxiety I will say I can’t for a different reason - someone questioning me on that would make me fell 10 times worse about the whole situation.

MichelleScarn · 26/09/2021 07:34

I have no problem with him not wanting to come with me this evening, I just wish he’d been honest and not used money as an excuse. I pulled him up on it and he said the friend would be buying the takeaway but I think he has just said that to appease me.
How generous you have no problem with letting him see his friends Confused the fact you feel it's ok that he needs to appease you is worrying!

And maybe this is a great friend who knows he's skint so is treating him to the takeaway!

LankylegsFromOz · 26/09/2021 08:54

Violated?!?! Are you for real? 🤣🤣🤣

spotcheck · 26/09/2021 09:02

Poor dude

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2021 09:08

Take out - £9
Train - £15. Soft drink £3

So even if he nurses one drink for the whole evening, that's still TWICE as expensive to see his friends as yours

Evasmissingletter · 26/09/2021 09:34

Feeling violated because your bloke ( with social anxiety) wants a takeaway instead of going to another city to meet your mates and you “pulled him up on it”……..🚩.

MichelleScarn · 26/09/2021 09:39

Fuck a duck I missed the violated! Are you now going to make him have multiple long into the night deep and meaningfuls to go over his misdemeanours?
Are you quite young op? I remember this type of thing from a girl in my uni halls, she was devastated her bf wouldn't walk her to lectures but would with a flatmate (wouldn't accept it was because they were on same course!)

twoandeights · 26/09/2021 09:45

I think the issue here is compatibility. He did lie but didn’t want to have to explain himself. He isn’t up for things like trips to Manchester to party. That’s fine. He’s a sit in front of the TV kind of person. That’s fine. That’s his deal. Your deal is different. You’re highly sociable. I’m not sure why you are dating someone with social anxiety? It just sounds like a mismatch. This is going to crop up again and again. You really should be dating someone who wants to jump on a train to Manchester with no issues

Bogeyes · 26/09/2021 09:46

I can imagine what the rest of his life will be like if he stays with you.

twoandeights · 26/09/2021 09:47

Remember you shouldn’t be compromising what you enjoy or forcing someone else to enjoy something the don’t. Have you heard the phrase “square peg in a round hole” that’s your relationship. 6 months in. Time to accept there are big compatibility issues and move on to dating other people

MichelleScarn · 26/09/2021 09:53

How did he lie @twoandeights? He doesn't have money to go out, his friend is coming round and paying for a takeaway.

grapewine · 26/09/2021 09:54

@Aquamarine1029

Fucking hell, he didn't lie. Are you ever satisfied? He's gone out of his comfort zone to please you quite a bit, and yet it's still all about you. He wanted to see his friend, not yours, and that's a problem? FFS.
This! You need to relax and stop "pulling him up". The man didn't lie to you.
girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 09:55

Even if he doesn't drink you never know how long a night out will be and where the night will take you.

Judging by your weird attitude, you'd probably keep sending him to the bar for your drinks as well..

grapewine · 26/09/2021 09:56

And using violated here is the mother of overreactions.

bonfireheart · 26/09/2021 10:02

YABVVU

If you have limited money, there's a big difference between spending money on something you like with someone you like (your BF and his friend) versus spending what little money you don't have with people you don't like/know doing something you don't want to (your BF and this night out).

cushioncovers · 26/09/2021 10:04

You are being too controlling. He came out with you last week to a family event with a family he barely knows. He has social anxiety and has been upfront about this. Situations like this weekend are what social anxiety looks like. Why would he want up go out again to a night out where he knows no one, in a city, using public transport. Do you even realise how exhausting that is for people with anxiety?

You've only been together six months

bonfireheart · 26/09/2021 10:06

Waiting for OP to come back with a random drip feed....

grapewine · 26/09/2021 10:07

Actually, the fact that he went to your family event despite social anxiety should tell you that he really cares. Six months isn't that long, and he won't know them well. If you want to keep this relationship, maybe lay off him a bit.

iklboo · 26/09/2021 10:09

Well this went well.