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Original poster

Would you give up your dogs in order to stop having to see your ex?

89 replies

Crumpets123 · 24/09/2021 05:50

I love my dogs so much but they are the only tie I have left to my ex who has completely broken my heart. I

can't bare to be in contact every text message is killing me. I just want to forget she exists and completely erase her from my mind.

Because she works from home, and I don't she has to look after them when I'm at work, but then they stay overnight and weekends with me, but the daily dog swapping and texts is just making it so hard for me. My heart is broken and I can't see her.

Part of me is just thinking because she wfh that she should just have the dogs. But my dogs are my only source of happiness and comfort right now, and I will miss them so much. It feels whatever I choose there will be pain.

OP posts:

nyktipolos · 24/09/2021 05:59

Oh I am so sorry genuinely don't know. It does sound like it would be better for you.

But I don't think I could do it. Thankfully exh decided that refusing anything to do with the dog after we split would make my life harder so to me to take her and I am so glad I did.

LaBellina · 24/09/2021 05:59

Your heartbreak over your ex will heal with time but the missing of your dogs will haunt you and them missing you. Maybe a temporary break would be an option but I wouldn’t give up on them.

Sparklfairy · 24/09/2021 05:59

Tough one. Some people would be okay with walking away from the dogs but you clearly aren't.

I'm not comparing the two but if you had kids together you'd just have to get your head down and get on with necessary contact with the ex. Maybe you can frame it that way if you really don't want to let them go?

You sound very upset by the breakup, and losing the dogs on top of everything else could very likely feel a lot worse than you do currently. Consider gritting your teeth and steeling yourself, and detaching emotionally from your ex, at least in person. Behind closed doors you can hug your dogs and take comfort from them

nyktipolos · 24/09/2021 06:00

Sorry that's entirely unhelpful. I just genuinely don't know what the right thing here is.

liveforsummer · 24/09/2021 06:03

As above the feelings for your ex are temporary. You'll get over that and move on then I think you'd sorely miss your dogs and regret it if you step back.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/09/2021 06:04

No way
You'll get over the ex. You won't get over the dogs.

LaBellina · 24/09/2021 06:10

I also want to add be careful with temporary breaks, your ex might, depending on how good your ‘relationship’ with them is, use it as a reason to no longer let you see/ have the dogs.

wetotter · 24/09/2021 06:11

I'm not comparing the two but if you had kids together you'd just have to get your head down and get on with necessary contact with the ex

Agree (though I would say that dogs are as important as DC, just furrier and remain dependent for their entire lifespan)

It doesn't take much to hand over a dog that is happy with both the humans. Can you set more fixed times so the need to text is less? And don't try to communicate beyond the dog's needs (timings, vet needs?)

jclm · 24/09/2021 06:13

What about practical help from a friend or even dog walker who could do these pick ups and message exchanges on your behalf?

Sakurami · 24/09/2021 06:21

Of course it is hard but I have a dog and if my ex had split custody, I wouldn't want to give up seeing him regardless of how I felt about my ex.

However, I don't understand the daily texting. Just come to an agreement and unless something changes, there is no need to communicate.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 24/09/2021 06:28

We have been broken up for 2 months. And I have tried so hard to be strong, and to contact as little as possible and only about the dogs. But even just having that contact makes it so hard to forget and to move on. It feels so impossible. I know what I'm like and I can't let go, the only way I have ever got over someone is by blocking and erasing them for everywhere because otherwise I obsess and just can't let go.

I am in so much pain and I don't know how to feel better :(

OP posts:

wetotter · 24/09/2021 06:35

I'm going to be bracing, on purpose.

Because self-pity isn't going to help you one jot, and spending your time thinking painful thoughts is going to prolong the return to normal functioning. When thoughts start to intrude, it might help to note that they have arisen, recognise that that's what they are - thoughts - and that you can turn and think about something else. And do that. It'll become easier with the passage of time.

It doesn't mean you don't have the thoughts and feelings, just that you don't let them take over.

notlongtillxmas · 24/09/2021 06:45

Have you searched for any local doggy day care ?
Or a local person who could come in and walk them in middle of the day ?
Find another doggy solution

Buildingthefuture · 24/09/2021 06:47

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t give up my dog’s under any circumstances, ever. And it’s only been 2 months….whilst I’ve no doubt it is horrendously painful, it’s all very raw. In the not too distant future, you WILL feel better.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/09/2021 06:48

Sorry OP, it all sounds very painful. How recent is the split? If it's been less than a couple of months then things WILL get easier, I can promise you that.

I think PPs suggestion of keeping the comms to minimal level and perhaps asking a 3rd party to help might make things easier. You can be honest with your ex - just say "Look I'm finding it really difficult being in contact every day, it's just reminding me how hurt I am by the breakup. please let's just keep the comms very brief, I'll arrive to pick up the dogs every weekday at 6pm and if there's any change to that I'll text to let you know. "

(This is assuming she's a decent person and won't use that info to try to manipulate you or hurt you further.)

Would another option be to do week on, week off, if you could get a dog walker during your weeks on?

This may sound a bit silly, but it's a technique that's helped me in the past. When I have to interact with someone who affects me negatively, beforehand I take a minute to visualise myself covered in a protective bubble of light (mine is blue!) and I tell myself out loud, "Nothing I see or hear can get through my shield, it will simply bounce off. Anything I see or hear I will deal with later when I'm in a safe space." I also remind myself of "exit phrases" such as "I must get on, I need to be on a call/at an appointment shortly" to avoid needless chit chat. Then when I was safely home I'd let myself cry or be angry.

Hope some of this helps OP. Hang in there 💐

Theunamedcat · 24/09/2021 06:48

Would she allow you to have them

Porcupineintherough · 24/09/2021 06:49

Whose dogs actually are they legally? Yours or hers?

category12 · 24/09/2021 06:52

Give her the dogs and get yourself a new dog.

Win win. You'll know your dogs are safe and loved with her. You'll give another dog a home, particularly if you take a rescue dog. You'll learn to love that dog and it'll love you.

Lweji · 24/09/2021 06:55

I would decide with her who gets the dogs. And if she is in a better position than you, and wants them, then, yes, she should have them.

If this situation isn't helping you heal, then maybe without contact for a while will help and you can revisit the arrangement in a few months when you feel better.

Dogs are not like children. At best they are like a partner or a best friend. And letting go of them is not a bereavement.

And they may be supportive but they are also the cause of you not being able to move on.

It's a tough one, but sometimes tough decisions need to be made.

BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty · 24/09/2021 07:00

You’ll get over your ex, there’s clearly been some sort of issue as that’s why your exes. Dogs on the other hand are loyal regardless, stick with it, it’ll get easier and you’ve said yourself that your dogs are your only source of happiness. They would miss you dreadfully if they didn’t see you.

Can you cut down on the texts and contact? Have a regular time that they change homes and then contact will be minimised.

It’ll get easier. 💐

Quitelikeacatslife · 24/09/2021 07:04

Are you going to keep sharing the dogs on going? Are they shared dogs? Or is she just sitting them in the day for you?
If shared make a set plan and stick to it (unless something comes up) can she drop dogs at yours 1/2 hour before you come home? Reduce contact?
If yours you could get doggy day care whilst at work
Think through what you can cope with and what might work.

pilates · 24/09/2021 07:10

category12 · 24/09/2021 07:12

They would miss you dreadfully if they didn’t see you

Oh rubbish. They love their humans and their homes, but they can be just as happy with other humans and homes.

Op, either sort out doggy daycare and tell your ex she can't have the dogs. Or give her the dogs and get yourself another.

Goldbar · 24/09/2021 07:14

Whose dogs are they? If they do all overnights and weekends with you, they sound more like your dogs than your ex's dogs.

If that's the case, keep the dogs and sort alternative daycare/dog-walking services as you can't expect her to provide free daycare for them forever.

If they're joint dogs and she's also happy to keep them, I think you're going to have to make a decision somewhere down the line on who is best placed to care for them. All this too-ing and fro-ing sounds too much. What if one of you wants to move away or it just becomes inconvenient to have to sync your schedules to do daily handovers.

BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty · 24/09/2021 07:27

Oh rubbish. They love their humans and their homes, but they can be just as happy with other humans and homes.

It’s not rubbish. There’s plenty of studies been done on this, dogs often grieve their owners they no longer see. And I work in a rescue centre and foster dogs and see it happen. Many dogs of course go on to be happy, I haven’t said otherwise, but that doesn’t mean they don’t miss their owner. So go away with your oh rubbish.

Importantly, OP has said the dogs are her source of happiness and comfort.

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