Would you give up your dogs in order to stop having to see your ex?

[Crumpets123]

I love my dogs so much but they are the only tie I have left to my ex who has completely broken my heart. I

can't bare to be in contact every text message is killing me. I just want to forget she exists and completely erase her from my mind.

Because she works from home, and I don't she has to look after them when I'm at work, but then they stay overnight and weekends with me, but the daily dog swapping and texts is just making it so hard for me. My heart is broken and I can't see her.

Part of me is just thinking because she wfh that she should just have the dogs. But my dogs are my only source of happiness and comfort right now, and I will miss them so much. It feels whatever I choose there will be pain.

The dogs are rescue dogs and the older one is very anxious which is why they can't be left with a random dog Walker.

But it wouldn't be a "random" dog walker, it would be someone regular who you and the dogs could build up a relationship with before leaving them with them. It's not the case that it's your ex or some stranger off the street - you'd look to find the right person.

But otherwise stick it out until your new job, January isn't that far away.

I agree, you need doggy daycare or you are going to have to accept that your older dog will get used to a new dog walker in time. I think she might have an agenda herself by being in the house when you get back despite you agreeing that she wouldn't be. There is no need for her to still be there. In fact, no way should she be at your house all day. She could be the dog walker, but turn up, walk the dogs, then go. I'd tell her that if she does not agree to this you will get someone else to do it. She is hanging around on purpose to see you at present. Who ended the relationship, because it looks like she is trying to worm her way back in?

Your ex can't have them as she can't house them. So they're your dogs and ex is just providing daycare for them. It's open to you as their owner to make alternative arrangements for their daycare until January when you're wfh.

But it wouldn't be a "random" dog walker, it would be someone regular who you and the dogs could build up a relationship with before leaving them with them. It's not the case that it's your ex or some stranger off the street - you'd look to find the right person.

This is so true. My dog is also a rescue dog. She is very attached to me. A couple of weeks ago I was late home from work and she was so excited to see me I thought she was going to hurtle through the window.

My dh said 'oh it's you, she was so excited I thought the dog walker was here'

No I would never give up my dogs, even in this situation
I split up with my ex and it took me ages for my feelings to lessen. I'd probably say well over a year, possible over 2. I think I'm unusual.
But no I would never give up my pets

But it wouldn't be a "random" dog walker, it would be someone regular who you and the dogs could build up a relationship with before leaving them with them. It's not the case that it's your ex or some stranger off the street - you'd look to find the right person.

Very anxious dogs can take months or longer to build that relationship. One dog I fostered wouldn’t even make eye contact for 2 months, and he lived with me everyday. I couldn’t take him for a walk for even longer as he wouldn’t let me put a collar or harness on him. For very anxious dogs a few meetings aren’t enough. I don’t know how anxious OPs dog is, but it’s not always as simple as a few meetings and they’re comfortable.

I would give up the dogs. I know it would be heartbreaking but you are struggling and it is not helping. You cannot continue with this for the full lifespan of the dogs - it is too hard. You need to step away and recover. I know from experience that it is much easier to recover from a broken heart when you don't have to see the person who broke it all the time.

Yes I would.

Woah. I couldn't give up my dog!! He is such a massive part of my life (and I have 4 kids). The unconditional love you get from a dog is second to none.

@Sakurami

Woah. I couldn't give up my dog!! He is such a massive part of my life (and I have 4 kids). The unconditional love you get from a dog is second to none.

👍

are there two dogs? going forward I think you should have one dog each and sort out your own daycare until January if this is impossible like you do night shifts sometimes then you will need to wait until January then split up properly if your ex can't have one of the dogs permanently then you get them both

So my ex comes to the house and then leaves when I get home. However, even though I tell her what time I will be home, she has never left by the time I get back even though we agreed we cant see eachother.

Ah, that's the main issue.
She really should be gone by the time you get there. The dogs can stay alone for a few minutes. I suppose even up to one hour.

@BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty

But it wouldn't be a "random" dog walker, it would be someone regular who you and the dogs could build up a relationship with before leaving them with them. It's not the case that it's your ex or some stranger off the street - you'd look to find the right person.

Very anxious dogs can take months or longer to build that relationship. One dog I fostered wouldn’t even make eye contact for 2 months, and he lived with me everyday. I couldn’t take him for a walk for even longer as he wouldn’t let me put a collar or harness on him. For very anxious dogs a few meetings aren’t enough. I don’t know how anxious OPs dog is, but it’s not always as simple as a few meetings and they’re comfortable.

Of course, but no reason to write off the idea without trying, when this is a damaging situation for the op presently.

@category12

Give her the dogs and get yourself a new dog.

Win win. You'll know your dogs are safe and loved with her. You'll give another dog a home, particularly if you take a rescue dog. You'll learn to love that dog and it'll love you.

Dogs are not like toys. They are not interchangeable. Attachments on both sides are real and deep.

What I said was not saying they are interchangeable . But holding onto them isn't always in their or your own best interests. "Sharing custody" of pets after a break up can keep you in an emotionally damaging place and prolong issues.

Another dog wouldn't be the same, but they would rapidly take a place in the heart.

There's no sense in fighting over who has them if both parties love them and can offer secure homes, it only harms each other and unsettles the animals.

And there are so many dogs that need homes.

I can’t give them up. I can’t even bare the thought of one night without them right now.

Thank you to the person who suggested changing the name of ex in my phone. I’ve changed it now to “x and y’s other mother”. Maybe psychologically that will create some disconnect. I am willing to try anything.

I feel like I need to try to be brave and hold on until January and reassess. Her friends have gone on holiday so she is staying at their empty house this week so she has said the dogs can stay with her all week and there needs to be no back and forth and therefore no contact. It would help to have a week with no arrangements but I hate the thought of them not being with me in the evening. I feel like whatever I do I will suffer.

I know I would be able to ask for them back though if I really needed to. This whole situation just feels so messy. People with kids somehow manage to cope still having to speak to their ex, so I should be able to do this. I hope in time it gets easier

I would rather deal with the pain of seeing my ex than give up my dog.

I certainly would give myself more than 2 months after the break up to be considering giving the dog up.

What else have you done so far to try to minimise your pain? What else have you got on your list of things to try?

You are right: whatever you do, you will, unfortunately, suffer. Breaking up hurts. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that simply is the case. Stop putting the pressure of the pain on whether to give up your dogs or not: that makes you hurt more, surely?

Be an adult: decide what you want, and do it, whilst doing your best to minimise negative emotional consequences.

I can’t give them up. I can’t even bare the thought of one night without them right now

Try to work out why you are using them so unhealthily as your crutch.

Try to work out why you are using them so unhealthily as your crutch.

Lol. She loves her dogs and they’re giving her comfort at a bad time. There’s nothing unhealthy about that. I wouldn’t rehome my dogs either and don’t like being away from them.

@BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty

Try to work out why you are using them so unhealthily as your crutch.

Lol. She loves her dogs and they’re giving her comfort at a bad time. There’s nothing unhealthy about that. I wouldn’t rehome my dogs either and don’t like being away from them.

If somebody can't bear the thought of one night without their dog(s), even when they know the dog(s) are safe, fed and warm, that's too much reliance on the dog(s)

OP is demonstrating a lack of emotional resilience, and would do well to investigate this and try to ameliorate it.

OP is demonstrating a lack of emotional resilience, and would do well to investigate this and try to ameliorate it.

She’s feeling shit cos she’s heartbroken. Her dogs are giving her comfort. Even the most resilient people do actually feel things.

Yes, I get it, @BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty, we just disagree.

Resilient people feel things and can handle them, with or without their dogs. There's nothing wrong with enjoying having your dogs around and feeling that you'd miss them if they weren't there. Feeling that you can't handle your feelings unless the dogs are there is a different thing.

🤦🏻‍♀️

The problem isn’t the dogs it’s your ex spending all day in your house that was hers too and now is just yours.
That’s what you need to sort. If you’re keeping the house it needs to be your sanctuary. She shouldn’t ever be in it.
What’s happening next with the house and her living arrangements. Is she with her mum long term?

The OP most definitely does need to examine why she is so reliant on the dogs that she can’t even bear the idea of one night without them.

The harsh fact is that the dogs aren’t going to be around forever. Typically humans outlive dogs and there is going to come a point where the dogs are going to die. Possibly even where the OP needs to make the decision for that to happen.

While grieving a dog is perfectly normal, being so reliant on a dog needs looking into more closely.

To be brutally honest I don’t think sharing custody of dogs is at all healthy. They’re not children, they’re dogs, and wen. Relationship ends a decision should IMO be made on who keeps them.

I do get the bond people have with their dogs. I have two, and one is a guide dog and the other one is. Retired guide dog, so you don’t get much closer than that.

But to my ex they were part of the family, however when we split custody of the dogs, even the retired one, wasn’t something which I ever even would have considered as being negotiable.

It’s far better to make a clean break. The relationship is over. One party should keep the dogs so the other party can move on.