Would you give up your dogs in order to stop having to see your ex?

[Crumpets123]

I love my dogs so much but they are the only tie I have left to my ex who has completely broken my heart. I

can't bare to be in contact every text message is killing me. I just want to forget she exists and completely erase her from my mind.

Because she works from home, and I don't she has to look after them when I'm at work, but then they stay overnight and weekends with me, but the daily dog swapping and texts is just making it so hard for me. My heart is broken and I can't see her.

Part of me is just thinking because she wfh that she should just have the dogs. But my dogs are my only source of happiness and comfort right now, and I will miss them so much. It feels whatever I choose there will be pain.

@wetotter

I'm not comparing the two but if you had kids together you'd just have to get your head down and get on with necessary contact with the ex

Agree (though I would say that dogs are as important as DC, just furrier and remain dependent for their entire lifespan)

It doesn't take much to hand over a dog that is happy with both the humans. Can you set more fixed times so the need to text is less? And don't try to communicate beyond the dog's needs (timings, vet needs?)

This. Completely this. Your dog needs you. I have walked in your shoes, it does get easier, but it was never a choice.

I often wonder if joint custody of dogs is more about not wanting to cut contact with the ex. The person has a reason to keep in touch then.

Tbh if you’re not in a position to have the dogs full-time then I would let her have them and would move on.

They’re not children, contrary to what pp said they won’t be missing you in the same way. Dogs live in the moment, but we are quick to attribute human emotions to animals which they simply don’t have.

The dogs are prolonging the pain here. And tbh it’s not an arrangement which is workable long-term, so better to walk away now than be told down the line that you won’t be seeing them any more when she e.g. finds a new partner or has children who can’t be expected to give up their dogs every weekend.

@BabyYouKnowMyHandsAreDirty a dog in a rescue centre is not remotely comparable to a dog who is living in its existing home where one of the humans is just not there any more.

If that were the case then it would be e.g. impossible to transition assistance dogs from puppy walkers to boarders to trainers to their eventual owners where they build a stronger bond than with any of the previous homes they’ve been in.

If you rehome. Dog to a loving home then while they will likely remember their previous owner they won’t associate with them in the same way if they see them somewhere down the track.

I know someone who rehomed a dog who absolutely believed that the dog would pine away without them, even to the point she thought it might die. She was moving back to the uK so quarantine as was then wasn’t an option she would consider. She went back a couple of years later and the dog, now firmly settled in its new home, didn’t even go to her.

I think a sudden break with the dogs can have an effect on you and them, but you're already with them only a few days, and you could see them less frequently, and then much less.

Does anybody know if dogs are happier in a stable home or switching between homes? It can be hard for children and adults, and I can imagine that it won't be easy for the dogs either.

You could arrange the occasional visits, should things improve, though.

This could work for whoever of you that ends up keeping the dogs.

Honestly, much as my world revolves around my dogs I would step away.

All I said was that the dogs would miss her. They will. Of course the likelihood in this case is that the dogs will be ok because they will be with their other human. but they will still miss OP. My further comments were in relation to another poster saying ‘they can be just as happy......which I didn’t say they couldn’t. Just that they would miss OP and that as they bring her with happiness she should stick with it.

The other poster said ‘oh rubbish’ to the fact that the dogs would miss OP. It’s not rubbish and studies prove that.

Way too early to have a row. Good luck OP whatever you decide. 💐

I loved my dogs but I wouldn’t put myself through this is they would be just as happy with your ex.

As a minimum why are you moving them around every single day. You’re never going to heal whilst seeing her twice a day. Couldn’t they stay with her in the week and you at the weekend?

She went back a couple of years later and the dog, now firmly settled in its new home, didn’t even go to her.

: years later, that would be the case for most dogs who had been only in happy households. They would most likely have grieved for the first few months. It’s normal. OPs case would have less impact on the dogs as they would be with their other owner.

*2 years later

Can you afford alternative day care for the dogs? If so, do that.

Honestly, in your shoes I would give up the dogs if you know she will care for them. You are putting yourself through more pain than you need to.

Life is long and lots of good stuff is still to come (promise!). For you that will include dogs and happiness but just not right now.

Absolutely not. In fact I made it clear to exh that I was happy to compromise on all financials etc but if he tried to keep the dogs, I would hunt him down to the ends of the earth...

Why don't you put more of a block pattern in place? Ie friday after work to Monday morning with you. Then you only have two contacts a week and far less communication.

The difference though would be that the dogs haven’t changed owner. They’re still living in the same house they always were, with the sae person they’ve always been with e.g. throughout the day. If anything they’re more likely to miss their regular house and owner when they’re with the OP as that’s not their usual home.

Obviously not having a row, but we definitely do attribute human emotions to animals sometimes, because we think, hope, that they think and feel the same as we do.

personally I would never have agreed to joint custody of any of my animals. They were mine. If they’d been eXH’s then he would have kept them. But when you consider that relationships move on and people find new partners, have more children, possibly even get more animals, it’s not realistic to share custody of a dog in the long-term, and you have to wonder whose benefit it is for when you do it in the short-term and whether it is in fact more about the person than the dogs.

Would never give up my dogs! They're just as much my kids as the humans! Just far less needy and don't have tantrums 😂 IMO getting any pet is just as big commitment to them as having kids, you put them first, always.

They only spend day times at her house.Get a dog walker or put them in a dog day care centre then ditch the contact with the ex full stop.

Stop all the text messages - make a plan and stick to it. Get a local dog walker or teenager to pick them up and deliver them.

When I went to uni, my dog stayed at home with my parents. My dog was fine without me. As long as your ex looks after them properly, your dogs will be fine without you. Too many people project human emotions onto dogs. It will be sad for you but, I think you should stop contact.

personally I would never have agreed to joint custody of any of my animals. They were mine. If they’d been eXH’s then he would have kept them. But when you consider that relationships move on and people find new partners, have more children, possibly even get more animals, it’s not realistic to share custody of a dog in the long-term, and you have to wonder whose benefit it is for when you do it in the short-term and whether it is in fact more about the person than the dogs.

But in this case going to the ex partners in daytime is like dog day care. The dogs then have their home with OP. Anyway, I’m sure OP is feeling bad enough about everything without us making it worse.

@Mantlemoose

Honestly, much as my world revolves around my dogs I would step away.

Same with me. I loved the dog, ex loved the dog. Ex kept the house, so the dog stayed with the ex. I got a rescue dog and that was that. If you cling to the dogs you could end up dragging it out for years .

I am in so much pain and I don't know how to feel better sad

Pain of a breakup is dreadful but it is temporary. Just feel the feelings and they will start to fade. This won't go on forever and eventually you will feel better.

Focus on rebuilding your life and routine. If you are seeing the dogs everyday then change to another schedule- there will be solutions.

Are you contributing financially to the upkeep of the dogs?

The dogs are both of ours.

The reason they stay overnight and weekends is because I am still in the house, and my ex has moved out and is staying with her mum. However her mum has a dog, and one of my dogs has gone for her dog, so it is too stressful to have them there.

So my ex comes to the house and then leaves when I get home. However, even though I tell her what time I will be home, she has never left by the time I get back even though we agreed we cant see eachother.

There isnt a routine because I work in the NHS and my shifts are different every week, and I only get 2 weeks notice for my work pattern and often my shifts change at short notice because of staffing issues so it means there are more texts needed.

The dogs are rescue dogs and the older one is very anxious which is why they can't be left with a random dog Walker.

I am starting a new job soon and in January I will be working from home full time and then I wont need her in the day anymore and maybe we can have them for 2 weeks at a time and have that very structured, minimal contact.

It is just so raw and fresh and hard right now

Basically, you ex is your doggy daycare - but if you have them every night and weekend they’re already your dogs.

So find different daycare.

And if your ex does want to see them, actually, then agree a different schedule - Sat-Weds, or whatever.

Your current co-care schedule is the issue.

I am starting a new job soon and in January I will be working from home full time and then I wont need her in the day anymore and maybe we can have them for 2 weeks at a time and have that very structured, minimal contact.

January probably feels like a lifetime away at the moment but it’s not. I’d really try to hold on until then and it sounds like things will get a lot easier as contact with your ex can then be reduced significantly. Tough situation but one that will improve with time and the change of circumstances.

X-posted.

So if she can’t have the dogs at hers, she can’t have the dogs at all, really, can she?

I mean, you can’t ‘give them up to her’ because she’s got nowhere suitable for the dogs to live.

And this is very temporary, until January.

Can your older dog not be left at all, for 30 minutes? Is she worried to leave them, and that’s why she’s still there or is she ignoring your boundaries deliberately?

The arrangement is too complicated! She is at your house all day while you are at work and then she stays there it after you get home.

Can’t she keep the dogs separate at her Mum’s house? Are there no doors?

It’s quite a long time until January. This arrangement could implode at any given moment so I’d start looking for an alternative anyway as a back up.

Can you change her number in your phone? So when the texts come up they don’t remind you of all the previous messages? Just re-name her contact “dog1 and dog2’s mum”.

Also, make it clear that if you’ve given a time you’ll be home, she needs to have departed by then. So next time you get back and she is still there, say quite pointedly “oh, I thought I told you I’ll be home at XX, i’ll be clearer in the future so you’ve got time to leave before I return”.