Unappreciative 15 year old DD

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have 3 kids, dd15 and ds10, dd10.

My eldest doesn’t lift a finger to help around the house, she will clean her room about once a week.

Leaves a trail of mess wherever she has been ie, after washing her hair bathroom covered in conditioner, bottles everywhere, conditioner on wall mirror etc. Mugs and plates left wherever she has been, doesn’t even take her plate away from the table after tea.

I am fed up of it. I am fed up of feeling like a maid with no thanks. I have tried and tried to get her to help and pull her weight and she doesn’t.

On top of the above she is so rude!!! No manners, doesn’t make an effort to be friendly if she is that way out which is most of the time. Looks at me like shit.

Yesterday she was having a bad day and txt me about it. I wanted to do something nice for her so made her Brownies which are her favourite. Made the mixture, went to get baking paper and all gone, same with tinfoil (she used it all for something and never said). Had to go to the shop with ds10 who was off school poorly.

Anyway, she came back from school and sat in garden with her bf. I asked them both if they would like a Brownie and I had made them for her to cheer her up. She bit into it and pulled a disgusted face, said they weren’t cooked and horrible. Bf didn’t try his because of that.

May I add I make these a lot and she loves them. They were definitely cooked absolutely fine.

I was so hurt. It was the final straw. She knew I would feel humiliated in front of her bf which I did. She made me feel stupid, she does it a lot. I even said to dp I feel bullied by her.

What do I do to make her nice?!! It’s not a teenager thing. She has always been like this.

I love her with all my heart but I just don’t think she is a nice person most of the time. She bully’s ds too which I am constantly talking to her about.

I am fed up with it all. Any advice?

If she wants a smaller room give it too her! Let her siblings enjoy the space....I would rip out the ruined carpet and go to great lengths to make it nice, for them.
When she decides she wants to move back in it would be a complete and definite no from me, she needs to realise her actions have consequences. I wouldn't be making brownies for her either, little madam. She wants them, she can make them. Seriously, it's time for some tough love.
Before anyone asks, yes I have a teenager, no they don't behave like that.

I know I need to be harder on her. It’s just how to do it. If I am honest I am a bit frightened of her.

It’s not that she has a terrible temper, it’s more like she has worn me down over time. She has knocked my confidence. It’s little things like laughing at me when I have made an effort with my appearance. Commenting on my hair not being right etc.

I am exhausted of it all

OP, it sounds really difficult but what has jumped out at me is that I know if I had done any of the things your DD has done, my parents would have come down extremely heavily and I wouldn’t have dared do them again, whereas you seem to just tell her off but not actually punish her.

E.g. my phone would have been gone for a week for rudeness, my bf wouldn’t have been allowed round or me to his for being rude in front of him, they would’ve chucked me out of the big room and NO WAY allowed me to switch back after complaining about it and leaving it a pigsty etc. If I’d laughed at disabled people my parents would have honestly signed me up for weekend volunteering with a disabilities charity and would have made me stick at it for a year.

This all probably sounds extreme to you but the truth is it made me a really nice and well-behaved teenager. I hate to say it but you do sound like a soft touch! She acts like this because she can get away with it and knows there are no real consequences. You have to follow through and not worry about her getting angry with you.

A parenting course may be a good idea. You shouldn’t be aiming to be her friend.

Sorry op, I wanted so much to say this was normal teenage behaviour. But it isn't. It's more like narcissistic personality disorder (or similar) behaviour. Although I don't think that can be officially diagnosed until 18.

That level of spite is not normal. I'd see about referring her to a therapist. These things have to be nipped in the budd early.

And in the mean time. Take no shit. And punish accordingly.

I think narcissistic does ring bells. I hope I am wrong for her sake.

I do love her with all my heart, maybe tough love is the way forward for us...

She's only fifteen and I personally think the word "narcissist" is used far too much these days, but you know your DD better than anyone op, and if you seriously think your dd could have a personality disorder, then you must seek professional help as soon as possible and get her properly assessed.

My SIL is like this to my MIL even grown up with children! It's awful to watch. Apparently she's been like it her whole life. My partner thinks it's because my MIL doted on her and tried to be best friends with her. Even now she'll fall over to do things for her despite getting such unnecessarily awful reactions back. I think it probably is a boundaries and consequences thing.

Btw I know NPD is a legitimate mental disorder and different to someone occasionally behaving in a narcissistic way. Presumably a child psychiatrist could guide you as to the best course of action to take. Even if they just pointed you in the right direction about assessment and follow up action it might be worth the expense of seeing someone privately if that is affordable for you op.

@Workinghardeveryday

I think narcissistic does ring bells. I hope I am wrong for her sake.

I do love her with all my heart, maybe tough love is the way forward for us...

Sounds like you were waiting for someone to hand you that word op!

Doe's no one else find this all rather contrived?

My youngest sister is like this with my mum. She was spoilt rotten. She says nasty things to make my mum look stupid, starts fights with her over nothing! My poor Mum just takes it. You could see coming when she was 4 too, but my Mum was just so soft on her and frankly a bit of a lazy parent. My sister is now nearly 30 and still doesn't work.

Does not doe's!

It’s little things like laughing at me when I have made an effort with my appearance My 11 year old laughed at my eyeshadow a few weeks ago (apparently I looked emo?!), I laughed back and told her fashion changes and hopefully I'll have many years to laugh at her choices with her (all lighthearted, nobody had a meltdown).
For your own sanity OP toughen right up or you will have a lifetime of this crap from her.

Mmm, well for one don´t replace anything she breaks. Broke her phone charger? tough, she´ll have to use telepathy to make it work. Conditioner not in its place, into the rubbish it goes. Clothes not ready in the laundry basket? They don´t get washed. Straighteners burning the carpet? They get chucked. I think she needs a dose of reality, before reality bites her bum.

Thank you all so much.

I am speaking with her after school and explaining going forward what is expected of her. As soon as she steps out of line I will follow through with the punishment.

Wish me luck!

Good luck!

I think I'd be having a chat with her about personality. About how you love her but you don't like who she is becoming. About why she thinks it's acceptable to br cruel to people? That soon she will have to decide what kind of adult she wants to be. The sort who lifts people up or...the sort who drags them down. And that thats entirely up to her. But to know that if she picks the later, she better not try that shit with you anymore, because it won't wash.

• and because BULLIES should not be tolerated.

But honestly op, also see about getting her to her gp. And insist she be referred to a therapist. Don't let them tell you this shit is normal.

Why didn’t you tell her BF it was time for him to go home now, and tell her to go and do some laundry (or something useful) and come back when she was ready to apologize and speak to you will respectfully? I have a feeling that you have deferred to your child’s feelings for FAR too long and given her way too much power. She doesn’t respect you - and you don’t respect yourself either. You need to value yourself and be a good example for her.

She sounds unutterably foul.

Given the pattern of behaviour going back long into her childhood, I wouldn’t bother making any more effort with her.

The forging of the covid test is bordering on psychopathic and I’m not surprised you say you are frightened of her. Please don’t pander to her any more, and don’t take on further guilt.
You don’t need parenting courses, some personalities are rotten all by themselves, nothing to do with how they are parented.

I would be looking to get her to leave home as soon as humanly possible. She will hurt you for the rest of your life if you let her.

Sorry, OP, you’ve just got a bad ‘un there.

I know it is challenging, I have a 15 year old DD too.

One thing that you said @Workinghardeveryday leapt put at me:

‘ I know I need to be harder on her. It’s just how to do it. If I am honest I am a bit frightened of her.

It’s not that she has a terrible temper, it’s more like she has worn me down over time. She has knocked my confidence. It’s little things like laughing at me when I have made an effort with my appearance. Commenting on my hair not being right etc.’

Parents of teens need to grow really thick skin, because if they can sense any vulnerability they will jump in with the insults/back handed complements. Ignore the rubbish from her about the brownies and fake it until you make it with the confidence with her.

Don’t be your DD’s maid. Our job is to raise them to get to adulthood as a fully functioning member of society, not someone who leaves all their stuff around and speaks rudely to everyone in the family. As PPs have said consequences - leave her stuff where she leaves it, tell her if it is not cleaned up by a certain date that you will bin it etc. Tell her if she speaks rudely to family, she will lose her net/phone privileges/not go out with friends etc.
Praise her for any good things that she is doing - you mentioned that she is cleaning up her room once a week - focus on that.

15 is that age where they are still looking for you for support, but striving to be dependent too.

Hugs to you, it is a roller coaster isn’t it?

Oh and don’t buy her any more straighteners/chargers (and hide anyone else’s in the family so she can’t use them). She has to prove that she is responsible enough to have these items gifted to her in the future.

*independent rather

How about instead of removing phone for bad behaviour you give it to her for good behaviour? Ie. You have to be pleasant. Tidy an sociable all day and once that happens you can have your phone

Also per posts above sometimes the way my teen dd treats me feels like bullying. I told her I had mean girls around me when I was her age and I am not going to put up with it now.

At this age mine got jobs.
I gave them $50 a week, but that paid for everything from phones to outings and out fits., gifts etc. I paid for sport. They had to cook one night a week, clean their room and bathroom and clean the kitchen 2 nights a week.
They got sick of wanting things and me refusing to pay, so off they went and got jobs. I stopped their pocket money.
I was very tough and refused to negotiate unless it suited me.
It is hard, but you need to develop a thick skin and not take things personally.
Good luck💐