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Original poster

Starting relationships with suspect men

78 replies

ValerieCupcake · 21/09/2021 12:47

Been reading about the chap that killed his girlfriend, her children and their friend. Been in a relationship 6 months and he was an arsonist, anyone can find it in the news. I hope this doesn't come across as "Victim Blaming" because it is not meant like that. Rather, to ask why when we have Clare's Law now would women not check out someone before introducing them to their kids? He must have given something away about his behaviour. He set a BMW on fire in May 2020 see below.

PARK SOUTH: Damien Bendall, 31, of Cranmore Avenue, admitted arson. He destroyed a BMW worth £1,350 in May last year. The magistrates sent his case to Swindon Crown Court for sentence.

This is one of the worst things I have seen in the news for a long time.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/09/2021 12:55

I think the message society sends to girls is so heavily weighted on the side of meet a man, fall in love and live happily ever after that that is all some look for.

How many women post a litany of poor behaviours on here and then caveat it with, "But I love him and I know he loves me too"?

Re your comment about Clare's Law, I only know it exists because of MN so lack of awareness? Many women would feel it was an unromantic and untrusting start to a relationship and pride 'trusting' a man regardless of his behaviours (again, the sheer number of threads asking how the woman can rebuild her trust in a man who is revealed to be utterly untrustworthy) is prided.

Many wen believe they can change a man; many people believe men have just lost their way.

Just so many excuses put on men to explain amd such responsibility felt by women to support them.

I haven't read the case you're referring to so not a comment on that situation in any way. Just.my general thoughts on the matter.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 13:02

I'd imagine they compartmentalised it. They saw it as an act of defiance or whatever guff he told them for why he did it. And didn't equate damage of the property of a 'bad person' (or however he painted the car owner to 'someone that might hurt and actually person, that they love'.

Often people are under assumptions that the other person must love them, otherwise, why would they be in the relationship. They don't realise their partner is a predator. And they believe the partner must have good reason for prior unsavory acts because they think 'why would I have acted that way? There must have been good reason, because I would not act thar way without good reason'.

Like trying to understand a Lion from the view point of a lamb.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 13:02

*an actual person

PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 13:12

Claire’s law isn’t that easy and I can see why it puts people off, when my sister did it she had to attend a police station and they also referred her to social services after, she had to go to the station which would put many people off (I’m not sure if it’s different in other areas) I think this information should be more easily available. The Claire’s law also came back clear, it was only a few days later when she got a call from the officer as she said she was concerned so “did some digging” and it turned out he had been convicted of assaulting his own mother but that didn’t show up on the Claire’s law application Hmm so it’s likely that arson wouldn’t have showed up as I think it’s only dv that does and I can imagine a lot of women won’t leave a partner because they set a car on fire in the past

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/09/2021 13:27

Too many women want a boyfriend or not to be alone so badly that they’ll overlook all kinds of odd or fucked up in a man. They wouldn’t check Clare’s Law because they don’t want to know. You only have to read one of the Desperate Dating threads on this board to see women excusing all kinds of red flags, even as they try to convince themselves and others that they aren’t. Some women would excuse the arson behaviour as him having been set up by his “crazy ex”, or something, I expect.

There’s a lot more work to be done in society in getting women to see that being single is far better than being in a shit relationship.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/09/2021 13:32

Same person?? As the reports on killing say local man (which is just outside Sheffield) and the case you mentioned was in Swindon. May have been a long distance thing or he moved but I don’t think it’s necessarily the same person.

SummerintheCity2021 · 21/09/2021 13:34

That’s horrendous. It’s unimaginable what must have happened.

I agree that Clare’s Law is not well-known and I don’t know how useful it would be in many potentially risky situations.

For myself, awareness about relationships, abusive behaviour, red flags etc has come from what I have read on here. There needs to be more education and awareness raising for young women.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 13:49

I wish there was a site where people who had did Claire law could post the results publically, in order to stop the next woman having to go through the same process. And people who had successfully prosecuted their abuser could post there too along with details of the sentencing.

But schools and the government need to take on a bigger role in educating people how to spot abuse too. A few years back there was a TV campaign on it - why did it stop? There should always be a TV campaign on the go. Non stop.

blairresignationjam · 21/09/2021 13:50

I do agree with you but some people are willfully blind / charmed beyond reason.
My friend was dating a guy who had had a full page spread in the Sun for robbing his ex blind for years. She knew about it. When it came to light that he had also been robbing her (siphoning her accounts) for years she was distraught.

PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 13:53

Yes I agree I think there should be information online, I don’t like that you have to attend the police station to do it but then I personally think if you’ve been convicted of a crime that it should be public knowledge, (thinking a serious crime) I found out my ex had been to prison after I got with him and became pregnant, I didn’t know beforehand and I hadn’t even heard of Claire’s law but since we’ve split up I’ve tried to find information about it online as some of the stuff he said didn’t make any sense, and there is absolutely nothing online about it at all.

ohdelay · 21/09/2021 14:30

It's the same guy and he's done more www.swindonadvertiser.co.uk/news/13619465.jail-for-knife-wielding-robber-who-fled-after-brave-shopkeeper-produced-club/
I agree OP, why let that in yours and your kids lives. Claire's law not required for this one, just google.

Original poster
ValerieCupcake · 21/09/2021 14:36

@Crikeyalmighty

Same person?? As the reports on killing say local man (which is just outside Sheffield) and the case you mentioned was in Swindon. May have been a long distance thing or he moved but I don’t think it’s necessarily the same person.
It is the same person. The report I read said he moved from Swindon. And he had also pulled a knife on a shopkeeper.
OP posts:
Hen2018 · 21/09/2021 14:40

Would these non-DV crimes show up (or be disclosed to a new partner) through Clares Law?

I had it done on an ex and it came back clear with no mention of the multiple times he had been found guilty of fraud.

Gilda152 · 21/09/2021 14:50

I think those people who did use Clares Law have competently explained why it wouldnt neccessarily be a catch all and there will absolutely be those who wish to do harm who will slip through any net, I agree that you must be so careful with yourself and your children when meeting new people but I think that the tendency to label anyone who's not 100% emotionally perfectly evolved (who is?) as a red flag, actually leaves the door wide open for these types to 'act right' and sneak in.

It's an awful, senseless tragedy - that's for sure.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/09/2021 14:52

I think the message society sends to girls is so heavily weighted on the side of meet a man, fall in love and live happily ever after that that is all some look for

I totally agree, and it's ridiculous in this day and age.

Career and financial independance first, always. Partner later if at all.

MrsMaizel · 21/09/2021 15:05

I can imagine a lot of women won’t leave a partner because they set a car on fire in the past ummm yes I think they would !

Crikeyalmighty · 21/09/2021 15:05

@ValerieCupcake. Yep it’s same picture— clearly a serial sick psychopath — you can’t help but wonder if the c* gave a fake name to that poor lady or something— as I would have thought most people ‘google’ a new partner out of curiosity and if they don’t they should!! Truly awful , he should never come out either.

thistooshallpas5 · 21/09/2021 15:14

This is my home village I live away now but it's truly devastated the whole community. I have mutual friends with the lady who was murdered and their children attended school with her children. I can't comment on what she was thinking or if she thought he was a nice guy or not. The chief constable of Derbyshire police said in the press conference that he wasn't known to them (obviously that could just mean the Derbyshire police)
It's truly one of the most awful things I have ever known to happen in the area it is normally very peaceful it is just devastating 😢

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 15:19

When women have had poor messaging growing up, the man does the wounded puppy routine, "he's got PTSD, he had a bad childhood". He's always sorry and wounded. Which is another reason the BeKind message is terrible for women. They're feeding it to DD at school. Some child was violent in her classroom and the message is all about how they should be compassionate. No DD; first safety, then sense, then compassion.

AuntieStella · 21/09/2021 15:30

There's 'be kind' in the sense of being civil/polite, which is a good thing.

But then there's also the insidious version - which leans towards put up and shut up, excuses bad behaviour, minimises red flags, and tends to erode decent boundaries.

It why I post as I do on the 'LTB' threads which mock MN for reminding women that they absolutely do not have to enable toxic masculinity, and that it can be better to leave early. There are very few places where women can challenger the 'lurve' narrative.

But please do understand, I do not mean any of that in a victim blaming way. People can find themselves in horrible situations for all sorts of reasons, and it is not their fault It's entirely the responsibility of the abuser.

I just think the more that the 'but I love him' narrative is challenged the better - it's meant to be empowering. Though I do realise that if you have been ground down by years of exposure to toxic masculinity, it's also daunting and easy to read wrongly as a 'blame' message.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/09/2021 15:36

@MrsMaizel

I can imagine a lot of women won’t leave a partner because they set a car on fire in the past ummm yes I think they would !
Agreed. Women with healthy boundaries and good self esteem absolutely would discount a man with a recent history of convictions for arson and violent crime as boyfriend material.

Because this man wasn’t a “partner”, he was a boyfriend of a few months. I see that word bandied about a lot, and I suspect that the pressure to refer to a relative stranger as a life partner and the sunk cost fallacy that creates psychologically is also partially responsible for women ignoring their better judgement.

Gilda152 · 21/09/2021 15:45

I always think the biggest red flag for both men and women is if they move around a lot be that geographically or around friendships groups for example AND don't retain any contacts/friendships from their past. It's a massive indicator of someone trying to repeatedly erase their past and should be scrutinised.

Theriband · 21/09/2021 15:51

@ValerieCupcake

Been reading about the chap that killed his girlfriend, her children and their friend. Been in a relationship 6 months and he was an arsonist, anyone can find it in the news. I hope this doesn't come across as "Victim Blaming" because it is not meant like that. Rather, to ask why when we have Clare's Law now would women not check out someone before introducing them to their kids? He must have given something away about his behaviour. He set a BMW on fire in May 2020 see below.

PARK SOUTH: Damien Bendall, 31, of Cranmore Avenue, admitted arson. He destroyed a BMW worth £1,350 in May last year. The magistrates sent his case to Swindon Crown Court for sentence.

This is one of the worst things I have seen in the news for a long time.

I know this is written in English, but it might as well be in Swahili for all the sense it makes
PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 16:00

@MrsMaizel

I can imagine a lot of women won’t leave a partner because they set a car on fire in the past ummm yes I think they would !
err well you are clearly wrong! Loads of women don’t leave current abusive relationships let alone leaving a man for something he did in the past! It takes a lot for a woman to leave an abusive relationship even when she is being beaten black and blue, you are clearly very naive.
EarthSight · 21/09/2021 16:27

@MrsTerryPratchett

When women have had poor messaging growing up, the man does the wounded puppy routine, "he's got PTSD, he had a bad childhood". He's always sorry and wounded. Which is another reason the BeKind message is terrible for women. They're feeding it to DD at school. Some child was violent in her classroom and the message is all about how they should be compassionate. No DD; first safety, then sense, then compassion.
@MrsTerryPratchett

This is very true.