Page 2 | Starting relationships with suspect men

ValerieCupcake · 2021-09-21T11:47:51+00:00

Been reading about the chap that killed his girlfriend, her children and their friend. Been in a relationship 6 months and he was an arsonist, anyone can find it in the news. I hope this doesn't come across as "Victim Blaming" because it is not meant like that. Rather, to ask why when we have Clare's Law now would women not check out someone before introducing them to their kids? He must have given something away about his behaviour. He set a BMW on fire in May 2020 see below. PARK SOUTH: Damien Bendall, 31, of Cranmore Avenue, admitted arson. He destroyed a BMW worth £1,350 in May last year. The magistrates sent his case to Swindon Crown Court for sentence. This is one of the worst things I have seen in the news for a long time.

SummerintheCity2021 · 21/09/2021 17:32

I wonder how meeting people online changes things these days. It’s less usual to meet someone at school or in your neighbourhood where your family and friends know theirs etc.

It’s so easy to have quick moving relationships with random strangers. I have no idea in this case of course but people couple up and move in with each other and even move across the country before they know someone.

PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 17:34

Tbf I hate the thought of dating someone everyone knows, I've never dated a local for that reason , I imagine a lot of people feel that same

EarthSight · 21/09/2021 18:00

@MrsTerryPratchett

When women have had poor messaging growing up, the man does the wounded puppy routine, "he's got PTSD, he had a bad childhood". He's always sorry and wounded. Which is another reason the BeKind message is terrible for women. They're feeding it to DD at school. Some child was violent in her classroom and the message is all about how they should be compassionate. No DD; first safety, then sense, then compassion.

@MrsTerryPratchett

This is very true.

MrsMaizel · 21/09/2021 19:58

@PoolNooodle

That's not what was said - abuse . The poster said setting a car on fire .

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 21/09/2021 20:08

It doesn’t always work as well as these men are accomplished liars.

My ex is a teacher - in fact a head of department. He was given a life long restraining order to protect me and the children back in 2018. He broke the order in 2019 When we met him in Tesco shopping the order said he needed to leave immediately if he found himself within 500m - he didn’t leave Tesco. I took photos and videos of him following us around Tesco. Reported to the police and they first of all knew nothing about the restraining order (!) second of all showed indifference - he was only shopping not harassing so why was I bothered? Then they suggested they pop by and give him some friendly advice - the restraining order said ‘breaching this order carries a prison term of 5 years’ WTAF??

That’s your problem. He didn’t and hasn’t notified his school of the restraining order (to my knowledge) listed in 2021 after 5 years after we moved but he’s teaching your kids in a good state school
Folks…….

greendiva · 21/09/2021 20:53

@Pinkbonbon that point really resonates, I had no idea that my first long term partner could be so abusive as I was trying to understand him within my frame of reference. Spot on.

DuchessOfDisaster · 22/09/2021 09:50

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo

It doesn’t always work as well as these men are accomplished liars.

My ex is a teacher - in fact a head of department. He was given a life long restraining order to protect me and the children back in 2018. He broke the order in 2019 When we met him in Tesco shopping the order said he needed to leave immediately if he found himself within 500m - he didn’t leave Tesco. I took photos and videos of him following us around Tesco. Reported to the police and they first of all knew nothing about the restraining order (!) second of all showed indifference - he was only shopping not harassing so why was I bothered? Then they suggested they pop by and give him some friendly advice - the restraining order said ‘breaching this order carries a prison term of 5 years’ WTAF??

That’s your problem. He didn’t and hasn’t notified his school of the restraining order (to my knowledge) listed in 2021 after 5 years after we moved but he’s teaching your kids in a good state school
Folks…….

Can you notify the school yourself??

Thelnebriati · 22/09/2021 11:04

I had to get out of a short term relationship when the red flags started and his behaviour escalated, and the whole process of extricating myself became extremely frightening. I was on edge the whole time whether he was there or not.
He wasn't easy to get rid of because if he didn't get his own way it would trigger an outburst, and in the end I had to change my behaviour to make it think it was his idea to end things.

All of our friends said he was such a nice guy when they introduced us. They've seen his violent tantrums, and they just accept it as the way he is. They've accepted his version of events and I'm now the crazy ex. He has several crazy exes.

I'm the sort of person that will leave rather than put up with abuse, but not everyone is and I can understand why, its hard and its scary. Its not just that you need somewhere to go, you don't even feel safe in your own home. I can imagine how much easier it would be to just go along with it and hope things work out. Especially when everyone around you is ignoring the warning signs. Doing the safe thing can leave you isolated.

Newlife16 · 22/09/2021 13:23

Claire's law isnt well publicised and also it can take time, and not all information will be on it. Arson wouldn't be covered, also any court order like a non molestation order also would not appear unless it had been breeched and they had been charged.

Abusers like my ex, are very charming, I have 2 non molestation orders but these would not appear on a report.

Not all the red flags are obvious straight and by the time they come to light its often too late.

I feel like you are blaming the women here.

namechangerforthisconfessionn · 22/09/2021 13:34

Please don't blame the victim here, this is my local area and the facts aren't always as simple as 'get rid of him' there's a lot more to getting rid of someone capable of this than asking them to leave and unfortunately the police are pretty useless at judging risks (another local lady horse rider was murdered recently and she had also contacted the police - I won't name her but I'm sure google will)
Everyone is heartbroken over what this scum has done and neither Terri nor the kids deserved this

Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 13:35

@PoolNooodle

Claire’s law isn’t that easy and I can see why it puts people off, when my sister did it she had to attend a police station and they also referred her to social services after, she had to go to the station which would put many people off (I’m not sure if it’s different in other areas) I think this information should be more easily available. The Claire’s law also came back clear, it was only a few days later when she got a call from the officer as she said she was concerned so “did some digging” and it turned out he had been convicted of assaulting his own mother but that didn’t show up on the Claire’s law application

so it’s likely that arson wouldn’t have showed up as I think it’s only dv that does and I can imagine a lot of women won’t leave a partner because they set a car on fire in the past

This is shocking

My gosh

DrSbaitso · 22/09/2021 13:38

These forums have threads every day from women with horrible men asking if they're being unreasonable to be unhappy and to leave. If they should give him more of a chance, if they should get to know him better.

I don't think it's that women are pressured to have a man as much as it is that they are pressured to #bekind...

sammylady37 · 22/09/2021 13:53

I know this is written in English, but it might as well be in Swahili for all the sense it makes

Really? It makes sense to me and obviously to all the others who have posted in response to it. Perhaps the issue is with your comprehension?

PoolNooodle · 22/09/2021 17:19

I tried to say that women don't easily leave relationships and probably lots of women would have stayed with him even knowing his previous convictions as women ignore a lot of Red flags especially early on in relationships even more so if it was in the past abusive men are good at talking their way out of things and usually there are a lot of Red flags that are ignored before something like this happens but I got shot down for saying it , apparently she was pregnant.

Foxlover46 · 22/09/2021 17:32

@namechangerforthisconfessionn I agree , nobody at all should be victim blaming ,it's not HER fault that HE decided to kill her and The children
It must be awfully tragic and even worse
Being from the area knowing these people ,
Thoughts always with Terri and the children and to their friends and family x

Foxlover46 · 22/09/2021 17:37

Women's aid always state that the most dangerous time is when you've chosen to end it / when you've left
These men can have a history that won't show on clares law , non molestation orders , police call outs with no action taken etc
The only person to blame here is the killer

Alicenwonderland · 22/09/2021 18:00

I don't think unless you have direct experience of DV you will ever understand what it's like for the victim and also how absolutely awful the support can be. My ex was dreadfully abusive to my older children, myself but was still awarded lots of custody via court for our younger children together. I had evidence, the children's voices and it was ignored. If he was subject to a Claire's law check nothing would show as although I had him arrested he was never charged. These men can be so convincing.

pog100 · 22/09/2021 18:26

@sammylady37

I know this is written in English, but it might as well be in Swahili for all the sense it makes

Really? It makes sense to me and obviously to all the others who have posted in response to it. Perhaps the issue is with your comprehension?

Exactly what I was going to see. If they can't understand that they need comprehension lessons.

Natty13 · 22/09/2021 20:18

Society is weighted heavily towards meet and keep a man yes but more than that we have thousands of women in relationships where they are disrespected and/or mistreated "for the kids".

It's better for our daughters to see us be strong and independent examples that it is better to be single than in a relationship where you are not valued. Staying in a crap relationship because splitting up is too hard for you is insanely selfish and reinforcing poor ideals into young girls and women.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/09/2021 00:18

Spot on @Natty13

If they are honest with themselves much of the time it's staying for the lifestyle rather than 'the kids'

MissTrip82 · 23/09/2021 01:03

It’s a great question. Why does a man start fires? Why does he abuse the people who trust him? Why does he start relationships when he knows how damaged and dangerous he is? Why does he ever do anything that might mean a future partner has to actually check his record with the police?

Oh that’s not what you were asking? My mistake.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2021 01:21

I've just finished watching an episode of Obsession - Deadly love. This man, her ex raped her, broke into her house on several occasions, stalked her, harassed her (4/5 calls an hour - plus texts) and attempted to kidnap her son twice. He was a horrible nasty man.

She didn't report the rape or his breaking into the house. She felt she wouldn't be believed and that upset me. I've been shouting at the TV, saying "don't let him back and go to the police" She very meek, in her own words. The signs were there. He moved into her house without asking....that's when she should have ended it, as she wasn't happy.

She did report the 2nd kidnap attempt and luckily being America, he got 38 years in prison.

I honestly think there needs to be something about domestic abuse on the national curriculum. It's getting worse everywhere.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/09/2021 01:27

I honestly think there needs to be something about domestic abuse on the national curriculum

I agree, particularly the emotional/coercive side that's harder to spot/understand.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/09/2021 01:39

They're feeding it to DD at school. Some child was violent in her classroom and the message is all about how they should be compassionate

This sort of shit really pisses me off and is also the reason we end up with ferel adults who can't seem to act right and regulate their behaviour.

The police aren't going to be kind when they're slinging his/her adult arse into the back of a van because no one ever taught the little fucker to regulate their emotions and behave appropriately.

Absolutely ridiculous.

MangoSeason · 23/09/2021 02:54

I muse on this kind of thing a lot.

Some years ago, a friend of mine went out with a fellow for three weeks or so. She recognised the red flags and dumped him quick smart. He love-bombed, put her on a princess pedestal, wanted to spend every hour together and got sulky when she went to other engagements with her family and friends. He told her she was so special and nothing like his psycho exes. He was rude to service staff and drove aggressively. Aside from being a textbook walking red flag, he had a very unusual name. I never really gave him much more thought.

A few years later, another friend of mine was telling me about this amazing man she met. She told me his name and it was the same guy. She listed all the red flags that my first friend listed, but instead of seeing them as danger signs, she saw them as positive things. “He loves me so much. We are soulmates. He misses me terribly when we are not together and texts me all the time as he can’t bear to be apart from me. He has had some crazy exes who treated him so badly and he is so happy I am not like them. He is so protective- when I went out with my girlfriends last night, he was waiting for me at my front door when I got home. A waiter nearly spilt a drink on me once and he gave him a good telling-off.” It took her years to break away from him and she was a shell for a long time.

So two women. Roughly the same background. Both decent, intelligent women. I don’t think it’s victim-blaming to ask why my first friend could so easily read the situation and my second friend couldn’t. I don’t have really have any answers. This horrible man was unchangeable and I don’t think it is defeatist to acknowledge that men like him will always exist. I can see how targeting and educating women in these situations does veer very close to victim-blaming. However, if my second friend had a slight change of perspective she could have been saved from years of misery.