What the hell is wrong with me? I think I need a virtual slap!

[Baffy]

I considered name changing as some people 'know' me on here and are probably sick of me by now. But what the hell... they'll work out it's me anyway!

12 months ago my H walked out on me and ds. We had sold our house and were waiting to complete on the new one. What I didn't know was that he already had a new girlfriend in the background and used the house sale to leave us at my mums and go and be with his new girlfriend. He left just before Christmas and ds was just 1.

There were a few threads on here at the time (I was mylittlestar then) and I was utterly devastated.

When it all came out I found the strength to forgive him and take him back. Only for him to cheat on me again. Then I knew enough was enough! (Although ending things still wasn't what I wanted.)

Fast forward to now. After months of sheer hell. Having to face his OW. Her saying she was pregnant. The constant revalations showing just how bad his lies had got...

I have met a new man (totally by chance and probably far too soon) who is absolutely lovely and treats me so well.
And I have served H with the divorce papers.

So why on earth can't I get over him??
I spent my whole adult life with this man (14 years) and chose to have a child with him. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he left us the way he did. All so sudden. Then the affair. The fact that we are now getting divorced. That I have to share ds and miss out on precious time with ds so that H can build a quality relationship with him. When we should have all been doing that together. As a family.

When I hear he's dating again I feel sick and jealous. I miss him. I can't understand how just because he decided that he wanted things to change, that all of our lives have to change.

And I am being unfair to NM. Because he is fantastic and just wants to make me happy.

But how can I be truly happy if I can't get over my ex!

Sorry for going on. I really do think I need a virtual slap. I know I'm worth so much more than H deserves. And probably the time of year and memories are playing a part in this.
Why would I even want a man like that in my life? I just don't know what's up with me!! How long does it take to get over something like this?

Thank you

I am seeing a counsellor who is great. But I think she tries to get me to focus on the future and focus on the reasons why I don't want him anymore.

I think maybe I need to go back and talk about the reasons why I do want him. And how to deal with that!

What is wrong with you is that you have had your whole life ripped apart through no fault of your own and things like that take longer than a year to get over!

You clearly loved him a lot to give him all the chances you did

He is clearly a total arsehole to throw them all back in your face

BUT you can't help the fact that you loved/love him. Time will heal but it will take a while

Thanks CD

Guess I hoped that 12 months on it would be getting easier. Comes as a bit of a shock when you realise it's just as bad! Maybe worse because you realise this is the way things will be forever.

Good to just get it all out and admit how I'm feeling though!

Yes I'm sure talking about it will help

You are a strong and marvellous woman, you will find well-deserved happiness again. Give yourself time and don't rush things with NM xx

There's nothing wrong with you, nothing at all. You have deep feelings for a man who has treated you badly, you can't just switch those feelings off overnight, it takes time.

Maybe, just maybe, you have tried too hard to get over him, you have said all the right things, made all the right moves but, deep down inside, it just wasn't happening.

You love him Baffy, that's why it's so hard, thats why it hurts and thats why you feel jealous. If you didn't love him, none of those things would bother you.

You just need to give yourself time, don't be so hard on yourself. You have done remarkably well throughout all of this and, you still are doing remarkably well. But please, don't go thinking you need a slap or that there is something wrong with you. To me, it just proves what a loving and forgiving person you are. A woman with a massive heart

Thank you

You made me cry then (in a good way)

I would say baby steps are what's needed here. One day at a time. There are no hard and fast rules and (i may get slated for this) there is nothing written to say that you have to hate him or not be in love with him. Of course, it does help a bit when it comes to moving on BUT, those feelings you have won't just go away because you want them to. You love what you remember of him as a husband, you love the thoughts of the future you had planned with him. You were happily living your life with a man you loved until he ripped all of that away from you.
The one thing I do worry about with NM (and you did say i was allowed to worry) is that you may subconsiously rush to recreate your future plans. Might try to get a square peg to fit a round hole IYSWIM. So sorry if you think I have spoken out of turn

It's me again

Do you think you actually miss him, him as a person, the human being OR, do you think you could be missing the life you had with him, the dreams and hopes for the future blah, blah, blah

You never had the chance to fall out of love with him. He walked away and left you hanging. You are still yearning for the life you had that was pulled out from under your feet. I can see why it would take time to get over it, alot longer than 12 months. It is almost as if you are grieving for him, but he is still around to remind you all the time. It is the first anniversary and it will still be fresh and raw. Even if you had managed to put some feelings to bed, this timeof year is bound to stir them up again.

I can see why you need to look to the past and sort out the feelings you had/have before you can move forwards too. Your counsellor should surely accept that you have feelings for him and work through them before you can move forward. It is hard to move forward when you are in a state of flux...

Would you take him back if he came to you with his tail between his legs?? Could you trust him again??

TFM - you haven't spoken out of turn. I know what you mean - and that's one reason why I can't let things rush ahead with NM in the hope that he will fill the gap left by H. That's not fair on anyone. And would only lead to more sadness in the end I'm sure.

But in answer to your question. Yes I do miss HIM. We had the same sense of humour and loved the same programs and films. I miss his company. He was my best friend too. I miss snuggling up on the couch watching our favourite things and putting the world to rights! And the laughs we used to have.

It's just not like that in a new relationship is it. Aside from the fact that you don't know each other well enough or have those 'in' jokes - it's rare to meet someone at this age who likes all the same things. H and I grew up together really. There's a lot of history there!
I miss his friendship more than anything else I think.

charliechaplin thanks. I don't think I would take him back (though if I'm honest I would want to). I would never trust him again. I couldn't live like that. But part of me wants him to want me - iyswim. The rejection is one of the hardest parts. Thinking 'what's up with me' and why doesn't he want me. I hope that makes sense.

Everything you have said makes perfect sense. Sometimes, not being able to have something you want makes you want it all the more! And the rejection, now thats a hard one to get over. Did he ever actually tell you why he did what he did? Did he ever give you something to work with IYSWIM, something that could help you to understand what happened and why it happened?

Baffy I think that he wasn't thinking about you in any of this but about him. That is not a rejection of you per se, more a lack of ability to recognise what he is doing would do to you. Unless it has been done to you I don't think you have any idea of what it does to someone else

My father left my mother when we were about 10 for another woman, one of their friends. Years later he re-married (not the woman he left her for) and she ran off with one of their friends. He had a nervous breakdown, not because his wife had run off with someone else but because he finally realised what he had done to my mother. He begged for her forgiveness - she had long since moved on and re-married and was very happy, amazingly they had stayed good friends throughout and she helped him through it and he is fine now (lucky him eh?). I think that really goes to show that you can't understand the misery you are causing at the time even though it is staring you in the face.

It makes perfect sense. But don't for god's sake start looking for faults in yourself. That is NOT where the problem lies. Rejection is very hard to deal with on any level, especially from one to whom you opened your heart, trusted and thought understood you inside out. I think he is the greater loser in the grand scheme of things, he just may not realise it yet. Dosn't make it any easier for you though.

I know what you mean about the friendship side too, it is hard to replace the depth of understanding you have of another person through years of living together. That is not to say you will not find it again - it will just be different. NM obviously thinks there is something about you that is worth something.

oh Baffy

Of course you still miss him like mad - you have shared so much with him and i think that by 'going back' over it you will slowly slowly start to let go of that part of you.

It is a grieving and if he had died no-one would be telling you to move on would they? the hard thing is he is still around and part of your life and unlike death you are not suppossed to 'remember' the good times. But that is part of who you are and i am sure that one day you will be able to move on again - this is only a tiny step back and not at all like last year. You have come such a long way and have helped so many others in that year please remember that. You are an amazing woman.

I know exactly what you mean about the 'in-jokes' and wanting him to really want you again.

I have been so lucky with my h but i must confess i have felt a bit jealous of you and moving on with your new life. I am not saying that to be hollow but even if he did come begging back to you it is not easy either, especially with what he has done.

Try and remeber just how much you have managed to do this year. You know yourself better and are a fantastic person in so many ways. Please remeber that and do try and look for the positive in this mess.

I expect you to be back very soon with your usual chirpy posts.

Take care and we are all here for you.

I doubt that he will ever be able to give you an explanation to why he did what he did. I have a theory that there are some men who are just 'programmed' to have affairs - it is not about how good their marriages are in any way.

I used to joke with mine that he had 'everything' - the good job the company car the wife the children the holidays, all he was missing was the mistress.

I think it has something to do with acceptance of affairs in society generally and the taboo of it all.

H's work still dont really get it and it is all hush hush and not really to be mentioned, i have requested there be a policy so people know where they stand but all i got is well it is up to people to do what they want in their private lives and anyway it goes on all the time.

I used to work in a hospital and if a Dr had a relationship with a patient there would be an outcry.

So can we stop it happening - i am not sure but i dont think the hiding it away is the way forward - yes i still feel some shame but i am happy now to talk to others about it and i hope that by being more open i can maybe make at least someone having a second thought about it.

I got very cross with a poster when i was going through it saying that it was women like me who make it happen as we forgive the men and it makes it more acceptable.

By forgiving i am giving not onlygiving him another chance but also my children and family a better life too.

I loved my husband and still do not the person he became whilst having the affair (but then i didnt like the person i became during that time either) but the man i already knew he was and is again.

Sorry about the rant but i hope that makes sense.
I dont think you will ever know why he did it and if he did give you a reason you would not accept it.

THAT is a BRILLIANT post HW! And i agree with everything you say.

Thanks

I am not over thinking it then as my counsellor sugests?

Are you all up for writing a book one day on this then?

I would like to do a pycology degree (will have to learn to spell it first though. Do have that background TFM?

'programmed' to have affairs just lets them off the hook. you don't "accidentally" shag someone else.

Psychology is my favourite subject, i just love it! And yes, i think it would be great to write a book, we could all put our experiences of survival down on paper, i bet it would be a best seller!!

I can see it now 'From Tears to Teabags'

I don't think any woman who takes back a psrtner who has had an affair is 'letting them off the hook' I don't think that has anything to do with it. It's more to do with not wanting to throw away years worth of love, happiness and memories for the sake of a thoughtless shag.

The only way I would leave my partner would be if I wanted to. I would be well prepared to work through anything that came our way.

I'm not saying that partners who stay together after an affair are letting someone off the hook.

But saying some people are "programmed" to have affairs implies that it's beyond their control.

It isn't.

a shag isn't thoughtless.

you'd have to be unconscious for that to be true.

I know that there is no need to shag someone else but then we dont come with a manual and we all do things we are not proud of. If we all say down and knew what we would do then life would be very boring indeed.

It is not an excuse just that society generally does not see it as a crime as such and is seen as 'light' entertainment often in soap operas etc. The terricfic fallout is very rarely portrayed in as much depth.

Our lives are so complicated and it really is not up to anyone to pass judgement on anyone. If a man can cheat once then of course he can again which would mean that any woman with someone they know to have cheated is 'allowing' it to continue.

We all live and learn and sometimes people make the most horrendeous mistakes - should we all punish them for the rest of their lives?

I truely believe that most people if they really knew the awful consequences of that shag would keep their knickers on - trouble is how do we educate without patronizing or turning into mary whitehouse.

Sometimes i think people need to stand up and speak and not just ignore the problem. And everyone should have the common decency for others.