What the hell is wrong with me? I think I need a virtual slap!

[Baffy]

I considered name changing as some people 'know' me on here and are probably sick of me by now. But what the hell... they'll work out it's me anyway!

12 months ago my H walked out on me and ds. We had sold our house and were waiting to complete on the new one. What I didn't know was that he already had a new girlfriend in the background and used the house sale to leave us at my mums and go and be with his new girlfriend. He left just before Christmas and ds was just 1.

There were a few threads on here at the time (I was mylittlestar then) and I was utterly devastated.

When it all came out I found the strength to forgive him and take him back. Only for him to cheat on me again. Then I knew enough was enough! (Although ending things still wasn't what I wanted.)

Fast forward to now. After months of sheer hell. Having to face his OW. Her saying she was pregnant. The constant revalations showing just how bad his lies had got...

I have met a new man (totally by chance and probably far too soon) who is absolutely lovely and treats me so well.
And I have served H with the divorce papers.

So why on earth can't I get over him??
I spent my whole adult life with this man (14 years) and chose to have a child with him. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he left us the way he did. All so sudden. Then the affair. The fact that we are now getting divorced. That I have to share ds and miss out on precious time with ds so that H can build a quality relationship with him. When we should have all been doing that together. As a family.

When I hear he's dating again I feel sick and jealous. I miss him. I can't understand how just because he decided that he wanted things to change, that all of our lives have to change.

And I am being unfair to NM. Because he is fantastic and just wants to make me happy.

But how can I be truly happy if I can't get over my ex!

Sorry for going on. I really do think I need a virtual slap. I know I'm worth so much more than H deserves. And probably the time of year and memories are playing a part in this.
Why would I even want a man like that in my life? I just don't know what's up with me!! How long does it take to get over something like this?

Keeping yourself busy at work/home is a good way of avoiding dealing with those feelings, but I think you have finally admitted to yourself that you need to address them. I am just echoing what Timeforme has said really.

Can H take your DS for the w/e to allow you time alone. Even if it is just for a morning? I don't know what arrangements you have with him over access, but I think he needs to bear some responsibility and giving you some space to deal with the aftermath of his actions seems like a good place to start. You don't have to tell him why...

Hey Baffy - no better advice than that already given, but keep your chin up x

Thank you CC you don't post so bad yourself though!

Baffy, if you fell and broke your leg tonight the comapny you work for would manage, it wouldn't fall apart. I totally understand what you are saying and normally I would agree with you BUT, on this occasion I think you really do have to put your own needs first. Besides, what good are you going to be to anyone if all this leads to a full blown melt down!
If you think you can wait until next week then all well and good BUT, if you really feel that you need to deal with this now then I think you should. I may never have met you but I do feel I knowyou wellenough to know that if something else pops up before now and next week that will end up taking presidence, I also know that should you manage to talk yourself round again, like you have so many times, you will feel it's no longer necessary to take some time out for yourself.
Now listen to Mother Hen and do whats best for you right now! xx

I will

Baffy the putting up of the christmas tree sounds wonderful - you are so fantasic as a mum. Your h is missing out on the most important parts of life and you are there for them. I am sure one day he will be kicking himself for missing out on all that. Yes this a horrible thing to happen to you and it is not fair and you are allowed to fight and scream and be childish about it and then you will see that you cannot change the situation but you can find the best way to deal with all the crap that has been forced on you.

I know you can do - but dont be afraid to let go of those emotions they are telling you something.

Good luck and please dont work too hard.

I'm not off work. But I have taken some of your advice

H kept ds last night and he's keeping him all day today and all tonight. So I spent last night just looking after me. (By the time I got back from Manchester I was in need of an early night!) Lots of pampering and had a good sleep.
Tonight we have our department christmas meal straight after work so I have left my car at home, going to go to that, have a few drinks, and then head home for a nice big sleep and big lie in tomorrow.

Then I'll pick ds up tomorrow lunch time and hopefully have lots of energy to have a lovely weekend with him.

I am feeling a bit better.

As long as I don't think too much...

Baffy do be careful with the drinks though - for me just the whiff of gin sends me into a depression.

Hope you have a good time anyway but i expect you will find it hard all the same. It somehow seems harder when everyone else seems to having a good time and you sort of feel lost and not normal. Remeber that is ok and dont be too hard on yourself.

why not take Ds to see santa? - concentrate on him and let him bring out the child in you. Dont worry about spoiling him this year too much.

Always here for you

Don't worry - I only need a glass of wine or two and I'm Mrs happy. Never been a big drinker anyway, always been a lightweight!

Just means I sleep a lot better as one glass of red wine is like a sleeping pill for me. Stops me lying awake all night!

(Loved being pregnant though as I had a great excuse not to drink! I'm always happier to drive and not drink at all, so it was great having a ready made excuse! Sometimes people think you're just being miserable if you don't want a drink!)

I'm taking ds to see santa on sunday as it happens all planned. And his two little cousins the same age. It's going to be lovely, can't wait.