What the hell is wrong with me? I think I need a virtual slap!

[Baffy]

I considered name changing as some people 'know' me on here and are probably sick of me by now. But what the hell... they'll work out it's me anyway!

12 months ago my H walked out on me and ds. We had sold our house and were waiting to complete on the new one. What I didn't know was that he already had a new girlfriend in the background and used the house sale to leave us at my mums and go and be with his new girlfriend. He left just before Christmas and ds was just 1.

There were a few threads on here at the time (I was mylittlestar then) and I was utterly devastated.

When it all came out I found the strength to forgive him and take him back. Only for him to cheat on me again. Then I knew enough was enough! (Although ending things still wasn't what I wanted.)

Fast forward to now. After months of sheer hell. Having to face his OW. Her saying she was pregnant. The constant revalations showing just how bad his lies had got...

I have met a new man (totally by chance and probably far too soon) who is absolutely lovely and treats me so well.
And I have served H with the divorce papers.

So why on earth can't I get over him??
I spent my whole adult life with this man (14 years) and chose to have a child with him. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he left us the way he did. All so sudden. Then the affair. The fact that we are now getting divorced. That I have to share ds and miss out on precious time with ds so that H can build a quality relationship with him. When we should have all been doing that together. As a family.

When I hear he's dating again I feel sick and jealous. I miss him. I can't understand how just because he decided that he wanted things to change, that all of our lives have to change.

And I am being unfair to NM. Because he is fantastic and just wants to make me happy.

But how can I be truly happy if I can't get over my ex!

Sorry for going on. I really do think I need a virtual slap. I know I'm worth so much more than H deserves. And probably the time of year and memories are playing a part in this.
Why would I even want a man like that in my life? I just don't know what's up with me!! How long does it take to get over something like this?

Thanks everyone

It's helping so much to talk about this

We know why it happened. It was a case of us taking each other for granted, he was offered sex on a plate by a young girl who made him feel like he was the most amazing man on earth. The ego boost and temptation was too much. A tired wife with a new baby who was working 12 hours a day to provide for us all... versus a 19 year old who was up for a good time and had no concerns in the world!
He took the weak option instead of talking to me and actually making the effort to help me out and so we had more time as a couple.

Now he just says that he's changed. He distanced himself from me emotionally for so long to enable himself to lead the double life, and he just can't get back to feeling that way about me anymore.

He says 'I'm better off without him'. Which is a cop out! (Although it's probably very true!)

But his main reason is that something in him changed after we had the baby and he has realised that the life we had isn't the life he wants anymore. He wants to be a good dad. But doesn't want the relationship.

(But now he's out on the pull every week, internet dating, and seeing a girl who stays over with him whenever possible... does that sound like a man who doesn't want a relationship )

Bundle I do agree with you. I know what you mean that it is a conscious decision that people make and they can choose not to.

I understand what HW means too - from the point of view that some people have the ability to block out the consequences and just go for what they feel at the time. It takes a certain sort of selfish (understatement!) person to do that. But we all react differently to every situation.

maybe programmed was the wrong word - but society just does not see it as such a bad thing to go on. just look at the sites where you can get together with someone for ellicit sex. Surely this just 'promotes' that it is ok and our children see this all the time and it becomes more acceptable.

Then you get the woman who use sex as a form of control - and it is widely accepted that men do seem to be weaker when sex is on offer.

I think anyway it is more about the lies than the actuall sexual act. However the lies are used to cover up and it is a vicious circle of lies that people become 'addicted' to.

Sounds more like he dosn't want the responsibility. Living the life of a single person is so much easier than having to provide and care for those that are dependent on you, emotionally and financially. I think men are the weaker sex in this respect as many of them do not seem to be able to cope with the demands of being a parent and partner. It is so much easier to walk away and pretend it isn't happening. Maybe sex on a plate from a 19yo strumpet was something that allowed him to make the break from the responsibilities of being a dad and husband? maybe he saw this as a valid way out as he knew you wouldn't take him back again?? Sorry if I am way off the mark here.

charliechaplin I think you're spot on

thank you

Maybe CC is right Baffy, maybe he tried to 'force your hand' so to speak. He just didn't count on you being prepared to forgive him and take him back.

Whatever his reasons, it was gutless! He could have just sat down with you and told you he was unhappy, he didn't have to fettle the fluff did he? Unless like CC says, he wanted you to ditch him.

Anyway, we have diversified. We need to be coming up with ways to help you get over him.
So, come on ladies, get your thinking caps on

Baffy again he is probably not telling himself the truth still. He was not in a good place then and by 'blaming' on the baby he is justifying it to himself.

I bet he is not happy with his own life either and is just looking for that quick-fix again.

He knows he has pushed you too far and so is just getting on with the only life he can have at the moment.

Again this is nothing to do with you and he has been so very weak thoughout all this.

Did anyone see on GMTV the other day the Dr who was saying that if women wanted to 'keep' their men they should have sex more often?

I mention it because of course we should not just have sex whenever but it was interesting in that it said that a lot of women regretted that their men went off and found sex elsewhere when they could have perhaps 'performed' to keep them. She was saying that refusing sex with no real expanation was to blame and that it is too easy for women to use the too tired for sex which some men then go elsewhere.

As always it is a basic communication issue - and it seems that is what we all really need to learn.

Anyway more food for thought.

Gosh! Is it really as easy as that? So I can stop all this bloody baking his favourite foods and ironing his shirts

I do see what you mean there HW

But after working a 9 hour day, getting up at 5.30am so that I could finish earlier, 3 hour commute on top of that, small baby.... I don't think tiredness was ever an 'excuse'! I couldn't stay awake long enough to tell him I was too tired!

I really don't think sex (or lack of it) was an issue for us. It was the fact that we stopped spending quality time as a couple due to the stresses of every day life. Those nice times I talked about, cuddling up on the sofa etc. They stopped because there was just no time. By the time I got in, made tea, bath and bed for ds, dishes, ironing, lay clothes out for tomorrow etc etc, I had to get to bed because I was back up early!

But I thought that was pretty normal with a small baby and was looking for a new job to cut my hours drastically. He decided he couldn't wait that long and went elsewhere!!

The only trouble with that argument is that we know we would think before jumping into bed to solve our problems. But i just dont think men see it like that - and i think that is why when women have affairs they already 'know' their marriage is dead and statistics show that it is harder to rebuild a marriage if a woman cheats.

We are all assuming that the man thinks the same as us and lets admit it they just dont. Please dont think me sexist - it is just that is what statistics show. (i will try and find the link to show it to you).

We feel the betrayal more because we just would not do that but i really dont think they are thinking like that when they go off.

What makes me mad is woman who can have affairs with married men - they aready know he is a liar but they somehow believe him when he says how awful his wife is.
They justify it by saying well it must be a bad marriage if he is coming to me.
When will women realise that he is married if she is that good and his marriage is that bad he will leave his wife for her.

Sorry but in my book they are not real woman - but i am very forgiving and so will not hold against any of you that have made that mistake in the past

Baffy i didnt mean you it was just something i saw on TV and not sure i agree with it anyway but it did get me thinking.

oh TFM we all know the sex thing is the easy bit if the misstress had to do all the ironing and baking etc he would soon tire of her. Sex is just the easy thing these other woman can offer. They make out they can do it more, better, different postions, whatever. God i could have done it all day if i was in a hotel room and didnt have to do the sheets after

I've read that too HW, that women have affiars when the marriage is over but when men have an affair it's because something in the relationship needs fixing.

As for the OW, she has been betrayed by the bloke too hasn't she. He spouts a load of rubbish about his relationship with his wife and she falls for it.
Or rather, she chooses to fall for it. Both parties choose to have any regard for the wife and family.
The whole thing is based on lies. Blocking out the truth.

It's a very complex and highly emotive subject.

Totally agree HW!! Maybe thats the answer, behave like the mistress. Get a housekeeper and charge it all to DH. Well, if he wants a 'lover' he can have one but, there's a price to pay

Ooh, that thought has just got me all excited.

Have you noticed though that we are thinking totally from a man's point of view, trying to keep him happy. Do they not have to do anything specific to keep us from wandering? Are we really so easy to please that we are just happy that to wash their dirty clothes and pick up after them etc

Trouble is men with their one track minds at that time just dont see past that.
Ask him next time you are in bed if his shirt is ironed well or if he liked that meal you just served - bet he is thinking of other things though.

Trouble is though i am sometimes thinking of that pile of washing

agree tfm that the ow has been hurt but if she knew he was married in the first place i have no sympathy for her.
I get fed up people telling me the only person i should be angry with is h. but she knew he was married and had the 'advantage'. anyway in my case she lost everything Oh dear does that mean i am not over it either then?

Still how dull would our lives be without these problems to ponder and solve?

and that's why i agree with you that men are 'programmed' (for want of a better word)not necessarily to have affairs but, to have sex. Of course, they can control it if they want to but, being the weak willy led creatures that they are, they give in to lust, giving no immediate thoughts to their lovely wives and families.

Whereas us, we are 'programmed' to raise babies and keep a clean house. Sometimes, asking us to have sex is like asking them to load the dishwasher

I would be very angry at the OW too BUT, i feel it would be my DP who had the responsibility to me, to think of me before kicking off his Calvin Klines.
I would have no sympathy for OW whatsoever. She knew full well what she was getting herself into. For that matter I wouldn't have any sympathy for DP either. All i would be interested in would be putting my family back together the best way i could.

Not only dull HW but, we wouldn't have met each other without all these problems to ponder

You two make me laugh!

Some really interesting stuff there!

Am off to get ds and hopefully put the tree up tonight with a (large) glass of wine.

But I will catch up later so any inspiration in the meantime would be greatly appreciated!!

oh TFM the trick is when it is new (and a new toy to him) load it up totally wrong - he then gets all cross and 'shows' you how to do it. I am still happy to be useless at loading it and i am always having to be told. Touble is i think men learn very early on to put something red in with a white wash - and we do it from then on.

I have just learnt to live in a mess and 'perform' sex in said state - then he never notices or complains

Am off to put on some lippy, a pencil skirt and some stilletto's. I'm going to be a mistress in the kitchen while i cook spag bol!

Have a lovely evening everyone!

Keep smiling Baffy. xx

Thinking of you PC. Hope things have improved xx

Happy Woman!! You norty laydeeee!

Fab Idea!!

Baffy have a glass for me too. I am trying to be good and not indulge this week. H is not home tonight so it will be really hard.

Have fun doing the tree and make it really special.

We already have ours and we are going to have the longest run up to xmas ever. Hope there is not going to be a huge anti-climax though.