What the hell is wrong with me? I think I need a virtual slap!

[Baffy]

I considered name changing as some people 'know' me on here and are probably sick of me by now. But what the hell... they'll work out it's me anyway!

12 months ago my H walked out on me and ds. We had sold our house and were waiting to complete on the new one. What I didn't know was that he already had a new girlfriend in the background and used the house sale to leave us at my mums and go and be with his new girlfriend. He left just before Christmas and ds was just 1.

There were a few threads on here at the time (I was mylittlestar then) and I was utterly devastated.

When it all came out I found the strength to forgive him and take him back. Only for him to cheat on me again. Then I knew enough was enough! (Although ending things still wasn't what I wanted.)

Fast forward to now. After months of sheer hell. Having to face his OW. Her saying she was pregnant. The constant revalations showing just how bad his lies had got...

I have met a new man (totally by chance and probably far too soon) who is absolutely lovely and treats me so well.
And I have served H with the divorce papers.

So why on earth can't I get over him??
I spent my whole adult life with this man (14 years) and chose to have a child with him. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he left us the way he did. All so sudden. Then the affair. The fact that we are now getting divorced. That I have to share ds and miss out on precious time with ds so that H can build a quality relationship with him. When we should have all been doing that together. As a family.

When I hear he's dating again I feel sick and jealous. I miss him. I can't understand how just because he decided that he wanted things to change, that all of our lives have to change.

And I am being unfair to NM. Because he is fantastic and just wants to make me happy.

But how can I be truly happy if I can't get over my ex!

Sorry for going on. I really do think I need a virtual slap. I know I'm worth so much more than H deserves. And probably the time of year and memories are playing a part in this.
Why would I even want a man like that in my life? I just don't know what's up with me!! How long does it take to get over something like this?

Baffy - I@m posting so this comes up on my 'threads I'm on' - will read and post later...

Just want to say that I could see you were still wanting your h, and that I WAS worried you might hurt NM. However, time is a great healer as we know and look how far you have come in 12 months.

Will be back later x

I am off now too to get the supper for my houseful. As H is not home i will have to manage the dishwasher alone - where are the instuctions?

oh baffy i feel the same i know its only been 2 weeks since xdp walked out on me for his miss 17 but i know in a years time i will still want him back, i sat in tears when i read what you had put as i know this is going to be me in 12 months time, i was with him for 7 years and i know him inside out and he knows me inside out, we also had the "in jokes" we also loved the same films programes etc i really do love him with all my heart even though hes ripped it out and stamped on it etc, i havent got any advice im sorry but i just wanted you to know im thinking of you and i`m sending you so many hugs x

Been thinking this over again and Baffy there is nothing wrong with you wanting to still have a relationship with your H - it is never too late but i guess your head and heart are not working together.

I for one do not think you are a fool for still wanting him and if it happens i will not cast the first stone (or any).

I also think another problem we have today is the lack of support for the family. we had real problems finding a counsellor but we both managed to see a solicitor at a time that suited us.

I know i sound a bit old fashioned but it is too easy to just call it a day and get a divorce, instead of having to work at it. (that is not a go at you though baffy as i know how hard you have worked and how much marriage means to you). We live in a throw away society and want everything now instead of working at it.

There needs to be some sort of local support groups a bit like new mums have where we can all share advice. The trouble is would the men go and actually admit to there being problems? No some silly cow lisentens to him saying how misunderstood he his by his wife and she just rolls over and takes it (every pun intended). Hey presto start of affair - and no-one dares stick their nose in as is none of our business anyway. Society turns a blind eye.

Oh god another rant - maybe i should just go and have that glass of wine.

You will get over your ex, you just need time

there is nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship you have now tho, it is helping restore your self esteem

Baffy - you know you WILL get over this. I'm glad that TFM also mentioned being worried about moving on to NM too quickly. I know you would never intentionally hurt him, but it might come as a result. You have been saying things like, 'If h and I ever sort it out...' for a long time and I knew that you were still thinking of a future with him.

Having said that, I don't believe that you would really take him back as too much has happened. God, it is taking me too long to get over G, and we never even kissed - no-one is expecting you to get over your exh in a week! I know I said 2008 is going to be my year, but I will happily pass on some of the happiness to you...

Oh baffy I know exactly how you feel - you know my H did pretty much the same as yours - in fact I think I took him back 3 times in 6 months only to be lied to each time...and the final time he got her pregnant/she got herself pregnant...so now I have to deal with the lunatic OW and my DD's half sib for ever
Anyway back to your point ..... I found out about the OW 18 months ago and chucked him out for good a year ago ...I am not over him as I think you all well know...I just donn't know what or why...I still love him but I KNOW I don't want him back....I am trying to give myself time I don't know the answer...sometimes we need to stop being so strong and let ourselves grieve and cry and be hurt and damaged and accept that that is NOT a weakness on our part in any way

mcdoodle you may be right - you soldier on because you have to for the family and it is expected but maybe you should just go to bed give into it and only come out when you feel really ready.

I read a book about how to beat depression which said just that - just cry and cry and really feel the pain and it will pass - there is only so many tears you can cry so it said and you should not give it a time just a feeling that you will know when that time comes.

I will try and look it out as it has some good points and a plan work through. I used it a lot last year and i think it did work on some level.

You are not weak to show your emotions and if that is what is need then so be it and do it.

"just cry and cry and really feel the pain and it will pass "
Nail on head I think....after all the intial screaming and fighting...I think I have buried my real feelings so deep I can't deal with them...every time they try and surface I shove them back down and close the lid so hard they disappear...for a time
I agree we need to let them out and deal with them properly..then perhaps we can move on.....I guess it is a pity that NM came now as he sounds lovely but you don't sound quite ready (sorry )...so now you have to deal with how to deal with him as well as unresolved issues of H....oh dear

and depression is a symtom of supressed anger and past resentments aparently so it is really worth letting go.

I was determined not to be a twisted bitter person but it is easier said than done.

Please do remember all the progress you have made and so what about the odd day like this. You are only human not everyday can be fantastic.

Macdoodle you are doing so well too so allow yourself that scream and rage every now and then.

I still have a scream when i am out running alone - well i hope i am alone and there are often tears along the way - and i have had a relatively good outcome.

Baffy, hi- I remember some of your original posts-I understand completely why you are still not over your dh despite what he did.

you did not choose any of this, he made the choices, he completley moved the goal posts of your life when you weren't looking- a total shock and despite your efforts to throw your marriage a life line again he chose not to take it.

My dh 4 years agio had an affair- completley out of the blue to me- 20 years together in a mainly good marriage- I know that pain and devistation. thankfully- despite my dh being a complete idiot for about a year he did choose to take my life line and we have moved on together stronger and closer.

For you your dh did not "see the light" this is not your fault again he chose!It is really hard when someone else is "in control"/ making the decisions in your life-by that I mean that the choices they are making are impacting so much on the life you had and planned that it no longer becomes your choice and changes are thrust upon you.

circumstances have been forced upon you-it takes time for your emotions and your heart to catch up. I think what you are feeling is totally understandable-if you could have chosen what your dh would do- you would still be married and together as a family.

This situation I believe is like grieving, you can't just switch off emotions you've had for many years for someone (even if like your dh they have in recent times behaved so horrendously to you)and like grief it comes in waves and hits you hard at times. the time of the year is no doubt why you feel this so hard at the moment. You deserve a good man to appreciate you for all you are- just be honest with your NM - if he's worth it ( and not been living in a bubble all his life) he will see past your pain and share it with you and see just what a compassionate person you are.

4 years on (even still together)I still hve days of pain over what happened. it takes a long time to work through such changes in your life. One day at a time, slowly very slowly you will move on.

thank you everyone

maturer thanks so much, I remember some of your original posts on the old threads and you helped me so much. I admire your strength - you are very wise, you have obviously come out of this a much stronger, wiser person.

I know what you're all saying about NM and I'm trying really hard to be as open with him as I can be. He knows how hard I'm finding things. Especially times like last night when I'm feeling so low. He called and all he said was 'how are you' and I burst out crying!
Dior I'm conscious of not letting things move too fast and he does accept that (I hope). Just trying to do what lou said and just enjoy the relationship as much as I can.
It not only makes me feel like I'm not the worst, ugliest person in the world. But he makes me smile because I feel like there is hope for a happy future with a good man. I just know I need to get over H before that can ever really happen for me.

I had a lovely night with ds. We put the tree up and I had a couple of glasses of wine, and ds worked his way through all of the chocolates, so that there was only about 3 left to hang on the tree! He was so overwhelmed with excitement he was jumping and dancing and kept falling over and laughing his head off!

I had a silent little cry to myself because that was a moment we all should have shared together as a family. It's just so unfair. But I count myself lucky to have ds. Wouldn't change him for the world.

macdoodle, mummyofaprincess thanks for posting too. so nice to have your support.

I'm wondering if I need to do what you suggest HW. Just give into it and let myself feel the emotions. Stop burying it all. I just wonder if a few days in bed, getting all of the tears out, might help me to get rid of some of this emotion that's bursting to get out. That's what I feel like doing anyway!

Baffy, I think a few days in bed, having a good cry and a massive wallow is just what you need right now. You have coped with everything so amizingly well, you have been so brave and determined throughout all of this. You have filled your time with ds, work, family, even h,you haven't really had the time or the space to grieve yet. There has always been something else to deal with, some other diversion.
I think you have gone as far as you can go with the bravery now. You need to take some time out just for you, to do some thinking, some wallowing and lots of crying. Whatever it takes. When 'reappear' you will feel like a different person. Ready to take on the world!!

By the way, I for one can vouch for the fact that a good old wallow does you the world of good. I think i wallowed for two weeks! I felt great afterwards though, it gave me the head space i needed.

Big hug and lots of love xxx

And hw you can possibly think you are the worst and ugliest person in the World I do not know!!
I have painted a moustache and bushy eyebrows on your FB piccie just to make myself feel better!!

Baffy - I think I may be reading the same book as Happywoman to help me understand what my DH is going through (thanks for your posts on my thread btw!). I haven't got very far and am struggling to get past the counselling speak as it is written by a woman who has obviously been through a LOT of therapy. But, the bit that struck me though is that you cannot move forward until you acknowledge the way you feel now. So you have to accept and open up to the emotions, wallow even and allow yourself to truly feel them, rather than push them to one side. This may bring tears, anger but allow them to come and keep doing this until they recede. The book suggests setting time aside each day for you to concentrate solely on this and give in to it totally. Accepting that you still have feelings for your ex, instead of pretending you don't, or it dosn't matter, or is pointless, should allow you to get to a stable platform to move on from, rather than a mess of emotions you cannot really grasp. And you know what - it is OK to still be in love with the life you had together and the man he was then. The way he has acted does not negate the good times you had together. I have always been a bit of a sceptic about 'self help' books, but some of it is common sense, I guess. It also helps put perspective on my situation. Good luck!

Thank you

PMSL at moustache and bushy eyebrows though!!

thanks cc

"you cannot move forward until you acknowledge the way you feel now"

that is exactly the problem I think. I was burying how I really felt because H has given me no choice in any of this, and because everyone around me seems to think that because he's treated me so badly I should just hate him, get over it, and be happy he's out of my life...

So I put on my brave, smiley face, get myself a new job, started dating again, am looking for a new house for me and ds... but inside it's still tearing me apart. Because I haven't dealt with it. Just buried it.

That's why it was such a relief to write this op yesterday and admit how I really feel.

I gave you lots of pimples too but thought that was a bit too spiteful!

So, have you booked a few days off yet? A 'wallow break' send ds to his dads, make yourself cosy in your room and really enjoy it!
BUT, you must promise to post a piccie on FB with your eyes all swollen and bloodshot and your nose all rudolph red just to make the rest of us feel gorgeous!!

I have booked next thurday and friday off (as they were the first 2 days I don't have meetings!)

Is it normal that you have to hold onto your grief until you can book a day off
Surely I should just be having a breakdown and go off today!! Look... I even schedule my time to have a meltdown!!

Sweetheart, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dealig with matters of the heart. You have to do and feel what is best for you, no matter what anyone else says. You can come on here and pst and we can all chip in with our bit of advice but, at the end of the day it is you who matters, it is what you want to do.

In your head you probably feel you should hate him but, your heart is telling you otherwise. You can love that man until your dying day if you want to, you can love him for everything good he gave you, DS, all the happy memories, his friendship. You can even continue to love him for the friend he is going to be.
What you have to do is find a way to deal with the feelings of helplessnes and the frustration of still being in love with a man who does not return the feelings. You don't have to hate him for how he feels, he cannot help his feelings in the same way as you cannot help yours. It doesn't make him a bad person. Stupid yes, but not bad

Your relationship with H isn't over, it's just changed. You are about to embark on a different kind of relationship with him now. You have to work out what kind of relationship that is going to be, whether you would like to be friends or if you would be better served avoiding him as much as possible.

Whatever the outcome, you are going to be ok, I promise you

Thank you

I really hope so

personally, I would be going off today, while those emotions are raw and ready to burst out of my chest. It's time to put yourself first for once!! Work will still be there when you get back xx

Good post Timeforme - you manage to say what I am thinking so much better than I can!

It is so easy to listen to other people and their reactions to what H has done, rather than to your own. I think you have taken the first step in moving forward by acknowledging that you are unhappy and you still have feelings and you can't pretend to hate him just because everyone else thinks you should. From there you can work through your feelngs to find a way forward that you can live with. Like Timeforme said - your relationship has changed (and then some!) and because you have a common link in your DS, you need to find a way to deal with it that allows you to be happier and to get your equilibrium back and move on.

I know you're right.

I think I'm too worried about work - especially with it being a new job, plus I'm on 6 months probation so don't get sick pay and can't tell the truth about having a meltdown!, plus my boss is off as his son is in hospital (10 month old baby ) so I'm the only director in at the moment... and, to top it all, I'm presenting at a conference in Manchester this afternoon...

excuses excuses I know! I guess I'm just too busy to fall apart this week!

But like you say, I've never allowed myself to grieve because there's always something for me to be doing....

sorry x posts

cc I know you and tfm are right - I think I try and have to find that way now. I want to see H because I miss him. But I don't know if I can deal with him being a friend, as I don't think you can be friends with someone that you have such strong feelings for.

So maybe not seeing him at all is the option.

My counsellor's going to have a hell of a session with me next week!!