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Original poster

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Any suggestions?

106 replies

AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:18

I have a fwb. I don't know if he has ever had one before but I feel some lines are being blurred. We used to date and I ended it because I found him to be emotionally repressed but we were still attracted to each other and picked up again as fwb.

We get on really well as friends now. We spend weekends together, we've spent time together with his friends and my friends. We've become really good friends tbh. But we were quite incompatible together.

I've just been away for the weekend with him and some of his friends. While we were away, one of them referred to me as his girlfriend. Now OK I wouldn't necessarily expect him to explain the ins and outs of his personal life to them - he's not really close to them - they do a hobby together just the 6 of them. But I realised that he is inviting me to things where I'm being taken/welcomed as his gf but wouldn't have been included otherwise.

We were with his 2 oldest friends a few weeks ago - men he's known for 50 years since primary school. These are the friends who know his innermost thoughts, his flaws, his life. They share openly. Except I went somewhere with one of them and we were mistaken for partners. He put them straight but in doing so revealed that he also thought his friend and I are 'together'.

I feel a bit weird about it and I couldn't put finger on it. But I think it’s that his friends are engaging with me as his girlfriend/partner and he is letting them. And we're not. Would his friends be spending time with me if they weren't making an effort with their oldest friend's girlfriend? Would I be being welcomed by his other friends on a weekend away? Probably not.

This isn't me hoping that it will become something more. I'm happy with the friendship we have and we didn't and wouldn't work as a couple. But we are close. There is a lot of fondness for each other there and we care about each other a lot.

I need to talk to him about it but I don't know how. When we were together, we never talked about 'us' and any time I tried, he just shut it down because he felt uncomfortable with it. It took us several months to even have the conversation about why we had split up.

Any suggestions on how I can bring it up or what I should say? Like I say, there's tenderness, care and affection there. I dont want to upset him or things. Thanks.

OP posts:
wafflesandbeans · 20/09/2021 05:22

FWB don't usually spend so much time socialising together with friends. That's why you're confusing everyone.

romdowa · 20/09/2021 05:23

You probably need to just discuss boundaries and actually follow through with them. Meeting up with his and your friends is in my eyes relationship territory, your fwb arrangement should be casual but what you are both involved in definitely doesn't sound casual. You really need to pull back or walk away as this sounds like it's about to get messy.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:31

@wafflesandbeans

FWB don't usually spend so much time socialising together with friends. That's why you're confusing everyone.
I'm not confusing anyone. All of my friends know exactly what the deal is, accept him when we are together, get on well with him but not one of them is under any illusion that its anything more than it is.
OP posts:
Monty27 · 20/09/2021 05:32

Slow burner? 😃

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:33

The thing is we are friends and of course friends hang out with other friends. That's not the issue. The issue for me is that they are including me thinking I'm his girlfriend when I'm not.

I know I need to speak to him.about it I'm just not really sure want to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:38

@Monty27

Slow burner? 😃
One of my friends suggested that. She referred to me as the accidental girlfriend last week. I really don't think it's that though.

I just don't know what to say. It all sounds so silly in my head when I try to imagine the conversation.

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 20/09/2021 05:43

I think that what's happening is because you were dating before you decided to make it casual. So you may have just slipped back into that pattern that you had before.

SilentPanic · 20/09/2021 05:46

Because, um, you're his girlfriend.

You socialise together, go on trips together, get on like a house on fire, have a close friendship, and you sleep together. That's a relationship, and any other definition of it is just semantics. I don't mean to be rude but this sounds a bit immature in that you're trying to convince yourself that it's not what it clearly is! (I don't mean that unkindly at all, I am exactly the same!)

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:47

@Itsnotover

I think that what's happening is because you were dating before you decided to make it casual. So you may have just slipped back into that pattern that you had before.
I think that's definitely what has happened. I just feel a bit uncomfortable that he doesn't seem to have told anyone.

I'm just surprised that not even his best friends know. It just feels a bit like he's misleading them. I nearly 'corrected' his friend but didn't because I was a bit stunned and wasn't sure it wash place to say anything.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 20/09/2021 05:58

Sorry I don’t think it’s him mis-leading his friends. I think it’s you mis-leading him!

Maybe I don’t fully get the fwb thing (been married far too long for that) but my understanding is they meet up, maybe have dinner, fuck and leave. It’s just good sex. They don’t spend the weekends forgetter, they don’t get on like a house on fire etc.

I’m also confused how you can get on so well, have a spark, have great sex but be incompatible?!

SpidersAreShitheads · 20/09/2021 06:09

It sounds as if you're in a relationship without wanting to call it a relationship.

What you're describing definitely isn't FWB. You're happy with how things are, and so is he. The only thing you say you're unhappy about is how he may be describing you to friends - so really you're just quibbling over semantics, as a PP said.

The impression that you're giving here is that you're calling it FWB because it means both you and him can avoid the awkward conversations that sometimes are inevitable in relationships. But by pretending that you're FWB when you're not acting that way means you get all the benefits of being in a relationship together, without having to think about it too much.

I'm absolutely not being critical - it doesn't matter what you call it really, if it's working and making you happy (and you say it is), then don't sweat about putting the "right" label on it.

ChirpyChirp · 20/09/2021 06:54

How are you defining FWB? What you have described (weekends away etc) sounds like a relationship. So it's no wonder his friends assume it is one. Maybe he thinks he is being respectful to you not correcting them? "Oh she's not my girlfriend, just someone I fuck and go on weekends away with". So...a girlfriend??

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 20/09/2021 06:59

Could your wear a sash (like those 'Bride to Be' or 'Bridesmaid' etc.) but with words something along the lines of

'I'm Not THAT Fond of Him But The Sex Isn't Too Bad'

maybe try and make it a bit more succinct than this, but you get the idea.

OrangeTortoise · 20/09/2021 07:07

I agree with other posters that the issue here is what you're doing, not how it's being communicated to others. You are way more than FWB (in the way I understand the term, anyway). You ask if you'd be welcomed on a weekend away if they knew the truth, well of course you would. They're not going to ignore you once you're there, are they?

Spidersinmyhair · 20/09/2021 07:15

I have a FWB who was previously my BF. The biggest difference in our relationship is that we stopped socialising with each other's families and friends. I think this might be where you're going wrong.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 07:23

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

Could your wear a sash (like those 'Bride to Be' or 'Bridesmaid' etc.) but with words something along the lines of

'I'm Not THAT Fond of Him But The Sex Isn't Too Bad'

maybe try and make it a bit more succinct than this, but you get the idea.

That tickled me. I know it's ridiculous. But I feel its ridiculous because he's being so cloak and dagger about it.

All he needed to say is, "Oh we're not together anymore, we're just really good friends." Although he had told his long standing friends that we'd split up so he's actually allowed them to think we're back together.

His poor communication around emotional stuff was part of the reason I ended it because I didn't know where I stood and now I feel a bit like I'm in the same boat but all of his friends are in it with me!

Which is fine but I've taken fwb literally and went on a date a few weeks ago and I'm happy to have a bit of a flirt when I go out. Obviously I wouldn't do either of those things if someone believed I was their girlfriend.

Which is why I need to talk about it with him. I just don't know how to bring it up. Experience tells me he'll clam up and we could talk for an hour about it but I'd still come away none the wiser.

OP posts:
Harlequin1088 · 20/09/2021 07:33

I think most FWB meet up for a bit of rumpy pumpy then go off and do their own thing until the next time they meet up for rumpy pumpy. If you're spending every weekend together, meeting friends/family, and spending so much time together you're being mistaken for his girlfriend then I'm afraid you're not FWB anymore.

BhortaBhorta · 20/09/2021 07:33

I don’t think you are being fair on him. If you are not wanting commitment then stop blocking him finding someone else. If he’s happy and you’re happy what’s the problem with what label you’ve got?

You sound tbh a bit childish. I’f I was him I might be thinking why DOI have to walk in and announce to my friends what our relationship stsus is this week…? ‘Shagging but split up 3 weeks ago’, ‘not shagging currently but hopeful’…. It’s all a bit teenage.

GoWalkabout · 20/09/2021 07:33

You don't need to be any the wiser about his feelings? Just clarify 'I know we are spending time together again, I want to be clear that we are not exclusive (I'm dating other people), and we are not in a relationship. If its not working for you, please tell me and we can distance ourselves.' Tbh I struggled to write 'not in a relationship' because you are, I think.

Steeple · 20/09/2021 07:36

@OrangeTortoise

I agree with other posters that the issue here is what you're doing, not how it's being communicated to others. You are way more than FWB (in the way I understand the term, anyway). You ask if you'd be welcomed on a weekend away if they knew the truth, well of course you would. They're not going to ignore you once you're there, are they?
Yes, what you’re describing isn’t FWB— you’re spending weekends together, going away for weekends together, socialising together with friends! FWB is a much more casual friendship, spending nowhere near that amount of time together, and certainly not anything that could be mistaken for a romantic relationship by others.
Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 07:43

@BhortaBhorta

I don’t think you are being fair on him. If you are not wanting commitment then stop blocking him finding someone else. If he’s happy and you’re happy what’s the problem with what label you’ve got?

You sound tbh a bit childish. I’f I was him I might be thinking why DOI have to walk in and announce to my friends what our relationship stsus is this week…? ‘Shagging but split up 3 weeks ago’, ‘not shagging currently but hopeful’…. It’s all a bit teenage.

He told me he didn't want any more than fwb when we spoke about it a few months ago and he hasn't said he wants it to change. I'm not blocking him from meeting anyone else - I'm not stopping him.

Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. He's misled people because he's allowed them to think we are back together or is talking about me in a way that leads people to think we are and I didn't know about it.

It's not me doing that.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 20/09/2021 07:46

Maybe you are blurring the lines yourself. This all sounds a bit teenager really. If you don't want to be mistaken for his gf then perhaps stop having casual sex with him?

hairybakers · 20/09/2021 07:46

Mmm yea I agree with everyone else. You're not actually FWB, this isn't a FWM situation however much you try to convince yourself.

Beamur · 20/09/2021 07:49

You two are behaving exactly the same as when you were together. He probably thinks - given that you don't talk - that all is fine.
The labelling of this relationship makes little sense.

Bargoed · 20/09/2021 07:49

How exactly would you like people to describe you?