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Original poster

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Any suggestions?

106 replies

AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:18

I have a fwb. I don't know if he has ever had one before but I feel some lines are being blurred. We used to date and I ended it because I found him to be emotionally repressed but we were still attracted to each other and picked up again as fwb.

We get on really well as friends now. We spend weekends together, we've spent time together with his friends and my friends. We've become really good friends tbh. But we were quite incompatible together.

I've just been away for the weekend with him and some of his friends. While we were away, one of them referred to me as his girlfriend. Now OK I wouldn't necessarily expect him to explain the ins and outs of his personal life to them - he's not really close to them - they do a hobby together just the 6 of them. But I realised that he is inviting me to things where I'm being taken/welcomed as his gf but wouldn't have been included otherwise.

We were with his 2 oldest friends a few weeks ago - men he's known for 50 years since primary school. These are the friends who know his innermost thoughts, his flaws, his life. They share openly. Except I went somewhere with one of them and we were mistaken for partners. He put them straight but in doing so revealed that he also thought his friend and I are 'together'.

I feel a bit weird about it and I couldn't put finger on it. But I think it’s that his friends are engaging with me as his girlfriend/partner and he is letting them. And we're not. Would his friends be spending time with me if they weren't making an effort with their oldest friend's girlfriend? Would I be being welcomed by his other friends on a weekend away? Probably not.

This isn't me hoping that it will become something more. I'm happy with the friendship we have and we didn't and wouldn't work as a couple. But we are close. There is a lot of fondness for each other there and we care about each other a lot.

I need to talk to him about it but I don't know how. When we were together, we never talked about 'us' and any time I tried, he just shut it down because he felt uncomfortable with it. It took us several months to even have the conversation about why we had split up.

Any suggestions on how I can bring it up or what I should say? Like I say, there's tenderness, care and affection there. I dont want to upset him or things. Thanks.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 20/09/2021 11:42

I also think that the problem isn't him mislabelling you to his friends, or not setting them straight- it's that you're behaving like his girlfriend so people are calling you his girlfriend! As others have said it's just semantics - you spend weekends away with him, you're couple-y around his friends, you get on like a house on fire, and you share a bed with him and have sex with him. That's a girlfriend! If you want it to be clear you are FWB, then just meet him for a couple of hours on a Friday evening for a Dominos and a shag. That's a FWB! You are blurring the lines not him.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 11:45

If you know someone well enough to regularly shag them, you should be able to raise issues without them shutting you down and should also have healthy enough boundaries to walk away from shagging someone who shuts you down.

That's a really good point tbh.

I only really have fwbs really. But I only really have them with friends I already know so the meeting friends etc thing isn't usually an issue.

But a pp was right, other people generally didn't know at all. But he puts his arm around me and kisses me in front of other people at times which I find a bit odd bit then at other times there's no doubt. I just find hi to be inconsistent and that with the reluctance to have any kind of open communication about it means it isn't working. Which is a shame really because in every other respect it is.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/09/2021 12:07

Perhaps you need to ask him "why do your close friends think I'm your gf and why did you put your arm around me and kiss me like we are?"

No discussion just an honest straightforward question that he needs to answer because he isn't being straight with you is he?

TBH you missed an opportunity to set his friends straight "oh we aren't back together" when it came up.

Steeple · 20/09/2021 12:15

@AndSoPeacefulUntil

If you know someone well enough to regularly shag them, you should be able to raise issues without them shutting you down and should also have healthy enough boundaries to walk away from shagging someone who shuts you down.

That's a really good point tbh.

I only really have fwbs really. But I only really have them with friends I already know so the meeting friends etc thing isn't usually an issue.

But a pp was right, other people generally didn't know at all. But he puts his arm around me and kisses me in front of other people at times which I find a bit odd bit then at other times there's no doubt. I just find hi to be inconsistent and that with the reluctance to have any kind of open communication about it means it isn't working. Which is a shame really because in every other respect it is.

But don’t you say to him ‘Stop kissing me in front of your friends’?

I mean, you say you understand the true situation, and are happy with it. Your friends understand the situation. He refuses to talk about it, but he knows you broke up, right? So everyone who matters to you fully understands the true nature of things — why then does it bother you that his friends think you’re his girlfriend? Is it that you think he’s confused? Who dumped who when you broke up?

It does also sounds to me as if the sheer amount of time you spend with him is potentially blocking you from having the ‘proper’ relationship you say you want with someone else, if you’re regularly spending entire weekends together, and if people you socialise with consider you a couple (so aren’t going to introduce you to potential single men). And if he’s kissing you and putting his arm around you when you’re out with friends, men aren’t going to be approaching you because you look all coupled up…

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 12:20

No, he isn't being straight with me. Or anyone else. It's not about other people knowing the intimate details of his sex life or whatever silly suggestion someone made earlier. But single/in a relationship is the kind of thing I'd expect someone's closest friends to know about them! And I feel uncomfortable coming in a lie. It might not be hugely important in the grand scheme of things but it's important to me that I'm honest. And it's such an unnecessary lie.

Tbh, it caught me off guard when his close friend said something a couple of weeks ago and it was a group situation over the weekend and I didn't feel I knew them well enough to say anything. But it was a missed opportunity.

Tbh, I was thinking of just asking "Does it bother you that your friends think I'm your girlfriend?" But your suggestion is probably more direct.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 12:26

Well I guess if you wanted to word it then something like this would work...

"Just to be clear, I'm dating as it's my understanding we aren't in a relationship or exclusive. Your friends have referred to me as your girlfriend a few times so just wanted to make sure we're on the same page and that we are friends (with obvious benefits!) but not a couple / boyfriend and girlfriend."

But as I said earlier, if you can't have more of a relaxed chat about it in person then you don't seem relaxed enough to be shagging each other casually!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 12:28

@AndSoPeacefulUntil

No, he isn't being straight with me. Or anyone else. It's not about other people knowing the intimate details of his sex life or whatever silly suggestion someone made earlier. But single/in a relationship is the kind of thing I'd expect someone's closest friends to know about them! And I feel uncomfortable coming in a lie. It might not be hugely important in the grand scheme of things but it's important to me that I'm honest. And it's such an unnecessary lie.

Tbh, it caught me off guard when his close friend said something a couple of weeks ago and it was a group situation over the weekend and I didn't feel I knew them well enough to say anything. But it was a missed opportunity.

Tbh, I was thinking of just asking "Does it bother you that your friends think I'm your girlfriend?" But your suggestion is probably more direct.

This is putting the ball in his court again and tbh sounds like a coy way of you wanting him to say that he does want more with you / is happy to call you his girlfriend etc. It's time to pop on your big girl pants, decide what you genuinely want from this, tell him whatever that is and then react to his answer accordingly - in line with your boundaries.

As an outsider, it all sounds a bit like you want more but want him to initiate it, which might be how it's coming across to others, including him. So best to clear it up ASAP as you say that's not the case.

TreeSmuggler · 20/09/2021 12:29

Yes, I'm not sure what you expect. You go out with his friends, kiss and cuddle in front of them, go on weekends away? This is more romance and time together than I have with my husband.

Friends with benefits aren't actually friends. It's more like a one night stand that you have more than once. This isn't that.

HalzTangz · 20/09/2021 12:34

Are you only seeing/having sex with him. From your description you sound like you are in a relationship.
FWB normally only hook up to shag, not go on outings with each others friends.
I can see why people think you are his girlfriend, by meeting with them as a couple you are giving people the impression you are in a relationship

Cocogreen · 20/09/2021 12:38

@HalzTangz exactly what I was about to write.
I thought FWB just met up for sex, didn't have social times with others in a group?

Seventhascent · 20/09/2021 12:45

Um, to cut through the thicket op, do you want a long term fully committed romantic relationship or not?

If so I would drop this one and clear a path for another, so there are no complications.

If you don't, then why not carry on with this one of you are enjoying it? Why ruin it by slapping definitions on it?

HalzTangz · 20/09/2021 12:47

OP, if he didn't tell you his feelings he isn't going to tell his friends or set them straight.

His friends think you are in a relationship because you are acting like you are in one.

FWB means casual sex, not dating and weekends away. It's literally a booty call,I'm horny,are you, come over. Not dinner, friend groups, family meet ups.

By you doing those things you are creating the allusion you are a couple.

OP if you were to ask him outright if he wanted to be in a full relationship with you, and he said yes. Would you suddenly stop having the odd date/flirting?
A FWB wouldn't usually entertain the idea of a full relationship at all

Viviennemary · 20/09/2021 12:52

I think you are the one with the strange outlook not him or his friends. In other words you are in a relationship but are free to date other folk.

HalzTangz · 20/09/2021 12:58

It really isn't hard to broach it, just ask him outright and state you won't take silence as an answer.
Alternatively if he's shy speaking face to face, write him a letter

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 13:02

FWB means casual sex, not dating and weekends away. It's literally a booty call,I'm horny,are you, come over. Not dinner, friend groups, family meet ups.

Friends with benefits are friends. I've had several before and I've been friends with all of them. Admittedly, it hasn't looked quite like this though. IME, they're existing friends and benefits just get added to their of you're up for it. When one or other gets a bf/gf, the friendship continues but the benefits stop.

OP if you were to ask him outright if he wanted to be in a full relationship with you, and he said yes. Would you suddenly stop having the odd date/flirting?

I wouldn't want a full relationship with him. It would have been nice and I did want that at one point but we are very different people.

I'm not sure how I'm the one with the strange outlook when I've stuck to the terms of the fwb, which is what he said he wanted, but now he's the one who's instigating a change in it.
Not me.

I don't know if I want a long term committed relationship. I'm not very good at relationships. I've tried but I find them stifling. Obviously, if I were in one, I wouldn't go on the odd date with anyone else or flirt with anyone else.

OP posts:
JordieLass · 20/09/2021 13:09

@SilentPanic

Because, um, you're his girlfriend.

You socialise together, go on trips together, get on like a house on fire, have a close friendship, and you sleep together. That's a relationship, and any other definition of it is just semantics. I don't mean to be rude but this sounds a bit immature in that you're trying to convince yourself that it's not what it clearly is! (I don't mean that unkindly at all, I am exactly the same!)

Bingo
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 13:10

IME, they're existing friends and benefits just get added to their of you're up for it. When one or other gets a bf/gf, the friendship continues but the benefits stop.

I don't think this is most people's understanding or experience of FWB. Rather than sort of upgrading an established friend to a FWB, it's usually meeting someone new and mutually not wanting a relationship but still wanting to hang out and have sex. Yours seems to be a relationships minus label, not friends with benefits. You're sort of having a 'boyfriend lite' experience rather than a 'friends plus' one.

HotPenguin · 20/09/2021 13:15

This is ridiculous. They think you are his girlfriend because you are acting like his girlfriend. Do you expect him to ring up all his friends and clarify that you are just a fuckbuddy? His friends would be really rude if they assumed there was nothing serious between you and didn't make you feel welcome in their group.

ravenmum · 20/09/2021 13:24

OP: All he needed to say is, "Oh we're not together anymore, we're just really good friends
OP also: it's important to me that I'm honest. And it's such an unnecessary lie.

Being honest would mean telling people that you are a FWB, not telling them that you are "just really good friends", as that is just as much a lie as "she is my girlfriend". Do you want him to say the truth, that you are a FWB? Or do you just want him to say "I am not in a relationship"? You will need to make that clear to him if you really want proper communication - even though you're being quite open here, I for one am still not sure what you want from him.

Don't ask him "Does it bother you that your friends think I'm your girlfriend?" as it clearly doesn't, and your aim is not to ask if it bothers him - you want to tell him that it bothers you.

Honestly I'm not surprised if he doesn't know what you want, though.

ravenmum · 20/09/2021 13:26

I thought it was:

fuck buddy = just sex
friends with benefits = sex and socialising
girlfriend = sex and socialising and exclusivity
?

BlueMoons90 · 20/09/2021 13:27

You are absolutely the accidental girlfriend. There is nothing 'friends with benefits' about this situation at all!

ManifestDestinee · 20/09/2021 13:28

But single/in a relationship is the kind of thing I'd expect someone's closest friends to know about them!

They do know...he is in a relationship with you! Everyone in the world knows this other than you, somehow.

Seventhascent · 20/09/2021 13:28

I don't know if I want a long term committed relationship. I'm not very good at relationships. I've tried but I find them stifling. Obviously, if I were in one, I wouldn't go on the odd date with anyone else or flirt with anyone else

I think this could mean you would be willing to have a long term committed relationship if you found the right person.

Obviously stick to fwb relationships if that suits you better, what I am trying to say is don't drift because it's easier, make a conscious decision about what you want and don't compromise. And don't let a fwb relationship get in the way of that. This current situation sounds overly complicated and quite stressful.

NoSquirrels · 20/09/2021 13:33

but now he's the one who's instigating a change in it

He’s not, though. He hasn’t declared his undying love, called you his girlfriend or done anything to show that he wants more than you are giving.

You ‘broke up’ with him because he’s commitment shy and emotionally repressed.

But you’ve carried on seeing him in a manner that a commitment-shy, emotionally repressed bloke would find really rather appealing - as a friend he can take on weekends away with his mates and shag, but not have any permanent obligation to or have to think about long-term stuff.

So no one has changed anything.

I don’t know why you’re so worried that he might think you’re his girlfriend - and therefore be hurt when it turns out you’re not - when he’s given absolutely no indication he wants to return to an official relationship.

Loudestcat14 · 20/09/2021 13:38

So you had the FWB conversation a few months ago but since then you've not stuck to hey-just-calling-up-for-a-shag bit that is typical FWB but are doing dinners, dates and weekends away with friends and you're wondering why he's letting them think you're his girlfriend? It's because you're behaving like it! They're being mislead because he's being mislead by you. If you don't want a relationship with him, you need to be crystal clear about your intentions, because clearly he thinks the FWB suggestion wasn't serious.