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Original poster

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Any suggestions?

106 replies

AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 05:18

I have a fwb. I don't know if he has ever had one before but I feel some lines are being blurred. We used to date and I ended it because I found him to be emotionally repressed but we were still attracted to each other and picked up again as fwb.

We get on really well as friends now. We spend weekends together, we've spent time together with his friends and my friends. We've become really good friends tbh. But we were quite incompatible together.

I've just been away for the weekend with him and some of his friends. While we were away, one of them referred to me as his girlfriend. Now OK I wouldn't necessarily expect him to explain the ins and outs of his personal life to them - he's not really close to them - they do a hobby together just the 6 of them. But I realised that he is inviting me to things where I'm being taken/welcomed as his gf but wouldn't have been included otherwise.

We were with his 2 oldest friends a few weeks ago - men he's known for 50 years since primary school. These are the friends who know his innermost thoughts, his flaws, his life. They share openly. Except I went somewhere with one of them and we were mistaken for partners. He put them straight but in doing so revealed that he also thought his friend and I are 'together'.

I feel a bit weird about it and I couldn't put finger on it. But I think it’s that his friends are engaging with me as his girlfriend/partner and he is letting them. And we're not. Would his friends be spending time with me if they weren't making an effort with their oldest friend's girlfriend? Would I be being welcomed by his other friends on a weekend away? Probably not.

This isn't me hoping that it will become something more. I'm happy with the friendship we have and we didn't and wouldn't work as a couple. But we are close. There is a lot of fondness for each other there and we care about each other a lot.

I need to talk to him about it but I don't know how. When we were together, we never talked about 'us' and any time I tried, he just shut it down because he felt uncomfortable with it. It took us several months to even have the conversation about why we had split up.

Any suggestions on how I can bring it up or what I should say? Like I say, there's tenderness, care and affection there. I dont want to upset him or things. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 07:51

@Marjoriedrawers

Maybe you are blurring the lines yourself. This all sounds a bit teenager really. If you don't want to be mistaken for his gf then perhaps stop having casual sex with him?
Tbf, none of his friends are there when we have sex so they don't know how often it happens. The friendship is a much bigger part of what we have.

I've stuck exactly to what we agreed.

OP posts:
BhortaBhorta · 20/09/2021 07:53

‘ Tbf, none of his friends are there when we have sex so they don't know how often it happens. The friendship is a much bigger part of what we have. ’

Yes, teenage.

Anyway what do want to be?

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 08:00

@Bargoed

How exactly would you like people to describe you?
I don't really expect anyone to describe me as anything! It's more the fact they are including me as his girlfriend and inviting me to things with him because they think I'm his girlfriend when they possibly wouldn't if they knew that we are just good friends.

It just ages me feel awkward because it makes me feel that I've done something wrong by going on a date when I shouldn't.

And I feel that I'm misleading his friends by proxy.

My friends have no issue with it because I was honest with them. None of them mistake him for my boyfriend. So from my side its fine. Some of them have invited him along to things too but they don't refer to him as my boyfriend.

OP posts:
adultchildofalcoholicparents · 20/09/2021 08:00

Which is fine but I've taken fwb literally and went on a date a few weeks ago and I'm happy to have a bit of a flirt when I go out. Obviously I wouldn't do either of those things if someone believed I was their girlfriend

Would you do that when you were FWB and present with him over a weekend?

It's clear that you don't want anything beyond your current relationship with this man. Is it possible that he would be fine about you continuing as you are with him and also continuing to date. A sort of polyamorous set-up in which he would have a primary relationship of FWB and socialising with you, and you would have the same set-up but it wouldn't necessarily be primary for you because you are interested in dating and exploring fuller relationships?

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 08:02

I agree it does sound teenage which is partly my issue with it.

But it wouldn't be if he'd just been honest with his friends or corrected them when they made an incorrect assumption.

OP posts:
Briony123 · 20/09/2021 08:04

Of course you are his girlfriend, don't be so silly. It seems that neither of you want the relationship to progress further, so no moving in or combining of finances/names etc. Lots of older people carry on these kinds of relationships for decades, when marriage/children is off the cards. When people introduce their "companion" or "lady friend", that's what this is.

Steeple · 20/09/2021 08:05

They made an ‘incorrect assumption’ because you snd he are behaving like boyfriend and girlfriend, not because he has failed to correct them!

Chloemol · 20/09/2021 08:11

You are more than FWB if you are off out each weekend socialising with friends etc

Most FWB are for sex only and that’s it, not out together with friends socialising

You have allowed the lines to be very blurred

Alternista · 20/09/2021 08:12

You’re not FWB.
You’re in a casual relationship.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 08:12

Would you do that when you were FWB and present with him over a weekend?

Flirt? No, I'd consider that to be disrespectful.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'd like a relationship. It took a while to realise that it wouldn't work out with him because I really wanted it to. I've moved on from that now and actually quite enjoy what we have. It's the lack of transparency that bothers me.

One of my friends suggested that maybe he assumes it's progressed to something more which is surely a conversation you have and not an assumption you make? And if that's the case I've effectively cheated on him by going on a date with someone else because I didn't tell him. I'd like to bring it all put into the open but just don't have a clue where to start especially as he's not very good with conversations of that nature.

One of his female friends asked me if we were back together a couple of months ago and I told her the situation. She was the one who said that if he wasn't saying he wanted commitment then I was free to date. But it just doesn't feel right really.

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 20/09/2021 08:13

Why does your "status" whether partner/girlfriend/FWB matter to you if he's just a shag? If it's not a close relationship I don't see it matters what his friends think. People make assumptions, you can't stop that, and if you continue to socialise with him and his friends they will continue to make those assumptions.

To my mind you are more than FWB, you just aren't admitting it. Which is fine, but don't expect people to not realise.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 08:16

@Briony123

Of course you are his girlfriend, don't be so silly. It seems that neither of you want the relationship to progress further, so no moving in or combining of finances/names etc. Lots of older people carry on these kinds of relationships for decades, when marriage/children is off the cards. When people introduce their "companion" or "lady friend", that's what this is.
That's a good point. I hadn't considered that.

I'm not sure that's the kind of relationship I'd want though. I want love not just a companion.

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/09/2021 08:16

You’re still in the relationship, and as everyone else says are quibbling over semantics and what he’s said / others think about you.

You’re not that into him but still want all the ‘perks’ of a relationship. Unrealistic.

ravenmum · 20/09/2021 08:17

What would you rather his friends refer to you as? You aren't just good friends - you are fwb, so that would also be factually incorrect. But I doubt they want to refer to you in front of your face as a sex pal.

Marjoriedrawers · 20/09/2021 08:17

Why do people complicate relationships so much?

PegasusReturns · 20/09/2021 08:20

What is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if not a friendship where you also have sex?

What’s the difference between your current set up and a previous relationship?

I think it’s probably you who is muddled not him.

Usualsundayblues · 20/09/2021 08:21

I think you’re overestimating how much of a fuck his friends give about his relationship status!

It’s awkward for him to have to keep saying ‘she’s not my girlfriend’ so I’m not surprised he isn’t.

Embroidery · 20/09/2021 08:24

You sound very hard work. Emotionally exhausting.

Also are you exclusive, because FWB is not an exclusive thing. Its just single (available to others) friends who fuck. How would you feel if he fucked another woman. If he planned a date for next Friday with someone else? Took another woman to the weekend away and got in a relationship with her.
These things would all be fine if you were just friends.

Stop deluding yourself.

Original poster
AndSoPeacefulUntil · 20/09/2021 08:28

What’s the difference between your current set up and a previous relationship?

I've not had a relationship that's lasted as long as whatever this is has. It's coming up for 2 years now. First year we were 'together' but split up a year ago.

I think you’re overestimating how much of a fuck his friends give about his relationship status!

Maybe, but for his oldest and closest friends to think I'm his 'partner'? Just seems very odd to me.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 20/09/2021 08:29

@Embroidery

You sound very hard work. Emotionally exhausting.

Also are you exclusive, because FWB is not an exclusive thing. Its just single (available to others) friends who fuck. How would you feel if he fucked another woman. If he planned a date for next Friday with someone else? Took another woman to the weekend away and got in a relationship with her.
These things would all be fine if you were just friends.

Stop deluding yourself.

It's the fact his friends have known him 50 years that stands out to me. They aren't exactly 20 something's having a bit of no strings fun. This really does sound childish and maybe that's the real issue, they both need to grow up a bit before they start drawing their pensions as Feb"s together and not wanting the post office cashier to think they are together.
hairybakers · 20/09/2021 08:30

Does he know you went on a date the other weekend?

PrettyVacancy · 20/09/2021 08:31

Who gives a shit?

Pemmican · 20/09/2021 08:32

How about you just find yourself a different FWB?

Not keen? Want to stay involved with this commitment -phobic man?

You love him, he doesn't love you, but he likes having you around. That's all there is to it really.

PrettyVacancy · 20/09/2021 08:32

Hang on! He’s in his 50s? Wow! You’re being incredibly childish. I’d assumed you were about 15 by the teenage angst you’re displaying 🤣

Rabblemum · 20/09/2021 08:32

You're in a relationship. Just talk about the situation and get the bounderies you want. Every couple is different, be the kind of couple you want to be.