I'm in a bit of a pickle. Any suggestions?

[AndSoPeacefulUntil]

I have a fwb. I don't know if he has ever had one before but I feel some lines are being blurred. We used to date and I ended it because I found him to be emotionally repressed but we were still attracted to each other and picked up again as fwb.

We get on really well as friends now. We spend weekends together, we've spent time together with his friends and my friends. We've become really good friends tbh. But we were quite incompatible together.

I've just been away for the weekend with him and some of his friends. While we were away, one of them referred to me as his girlfriend. Now OK I wouldn't necessarily expect him to explain the ins and outs of his personal life to them - he's not really close to them - they do a hobby together just the 6 of them. But I realised that he is inviting me to things where I'm being taken/welcomed as his gf but wouldn't have been included otherwise.

We were with his 2 oldest friends a few weeks ago - men he's known for 50 years since primary school. These are the friends who know his innermost thoughts, his flaws, his life. They share openly. Except I went somewhere with one of them and we were mistaken for partners. He put them straight but in doing so revealed that he also thought his friend and I are 'together'.

I feel a bit weird about it and I couldn't put finger on it. But I think it’s that his friends are engaging with me as his girlfriend/partner and he is letting them. And we're not. Would his friends be spending time with me if they weren't making an effort with their oldest friend's girlfriend? Would I be being welcomed by his other friends on a weekend away? Probably not.

This isn't me hoping that it will become something more. I'm happy with the friendship we have and we didn't and wouldn't work as a couple. But we are close. There is a lot of fondness for each other there and we care about each other a lot.

I need to talk to him about it but I don't know how. When we were together, we never talked about 'us' and any time I tried, he just shut it down because he felt uncomfortable with it. It took us several months to even have the conversation about why we had split up.

Any suggestions on how I can bring it up or what I should say? Like I say, there's tenderness, care and affection there. I dont want to upset him or things. Thanks.

Also are you exclusive, because FWB is not an exclusive thing. Its just single (available to others) friends who fuck

I know. That's my point. In his world (friends etc) he doesn't appear to be 'single' though and I want to broach it with him but don't know how to bring it up and that's all i was really asking.

How would you feel if he fucked another woman. If he planned a date for next Friday with someone else? Took another woman to the weekend away and got in a relationship with her

Well if that's what he wanted to do that would be fine. I have been on a date with someone else. I have no idea if he has because it wouldn't be my business. If he wanted to start a relationship with someone them obviously this would stop.

I'm not sure that's the kind of relationship I'd want though. I want love not just a companion.

Is this relationship blocking you from pursuing others as yet? If it isn't, it sounds like you'd lose a lot by discontinuing it, it sounds comfortable and pleasant. Presumably you can turn down engagements with this man if you meet someone else.

As PPs say, it really isn't that unusual for older people to have several relationships of different status. A birding club has several very senior members (80 years of age+) that go away on several trips each season - there are several people who are 'coupled' for those that never meet up outside of the club or those trips and in some cases are married/living with someone else, and this has been their arrangement for decades .

I don't want to be someone who has inadvertently 'cheated' on him because he's moved the goalposts without telling me.

But whenever I've tried talking to him about stuff like this in the past, he deflected and shut it down because he doesn't want to talk about it.

@adultchildofalcoholicparents

I'm not sure that's the kind of relationship I'd want though. I want love not just a companion.

Is this relationship blocking you from pursuing others as yet? If it isn't, it sounds like you'd lose a lot by discontinuing it, it sounds comfortable and pleasant. Presumably you can turn down engagements with this man if you meet someone else.

As PPs say, it really isn't that unusual for older people to have several relationships of different status. A birding club has several very senior members (80 years of age+) that go away on several trips each season - there are several people who are 'coupled' for those that never meet up outside of the club or those trips and in some cases are married/living with someone else, and this has been their arrangement for decades .

I know. But I'm only in 40s. I'd really like to think I could still find a 'love' relationship. Maybe I'm just deluding myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

Has your ‘friend’ got a learning disability? I’m not sure why you can’t talk to him about your preferred label for your relationship? You sound very confused, like a teen having their first dating experience. Has your life always been made so difficult by your own efforts?

How about you just find yourself a different FWB?
This would interest me, too. If he is impossible to talk to, then you can't discuss it with him, so it will have to be you who changes the situation.

I think he is just doing it go save embarrassmrnt. His friends might not approve of this fwb scenario. Put them right yourself if you mudt. But I don't think he has done anything wrong. I agree this doesn't seem to be the usual fwb set up. Which only seems to exist on MN anyway.

What am I missing? Just tell him, and correct his friends. Why the drama?

If your socialising together with friends I think it’s normal to say girlfriend/boyfriend out of politeness. He isn’t going to turn around to his mates and say “no I’m just shagging her”. That would be rude and make both of you look bad. He knows your not his girlfriend but I wouldn’t correct mates as FWB is secret and not for the world to know.

He's your boyfriend. Just because you aren't planning to marry or live together or intertwine your lives financially or legally in the future doesn't matter. He's your boyfriend.

My auntie had a boyfriend for over 30 years until he sadly died last year- they stayed over at his place a couple of nights per week (not hers as she is a hoarder) and everyone knew about him but they socialised completely separately and didn't go to family events together - I met him exactly once when we passed each other during visiting hours at the hospital when she was in for a hip replacement a few years ago. They were completely different people who had exactly one thing in common - that they liked each other. Their lives were far less entwined than yours is with this guy but they didn't go through all this excruciating navel-gazing, they just got on with it and were (AFAIK) quite happy with what they had. You should take a lesson from them.

Your chances of meeting someone who you do love will be much higher if you aren't spending all your time with this one!
Meantime, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

To me fwb either means friends have no idea your fucking as your ‘friends’ or they know your fucking but your not actually friends (ie you don’t socialise out of snagging). This doesn’t fit with either.

A few months down the line with you joining him for weekends away, means in his head you’ve moved on to gf territory even though it hasn’t been discussed (you’ve already said he doesn’t talk well).

To me fwb either means friends have no idea your fucking as your ‘friends’ or they know your fucking but your not actually friends (ie you don’t socialise out of snagging). This doesn’t fit with either.

I know and I think that's what is making it awkward.

A few months down the line with you joining him for weekends away, means in his head you’ve moved on to gf territory even though it hasn’t been discussed

And again that's fine either he thinks that but if the dyadic has changed, I should know. And I shouldn't be going on dates! Or I wouldn't if I knew without having spoken to him.

Dynamic

You care about each other, you get on great, you are good friends, you socialise together and together with others, and you have sex with each regularly.

The only one here who doesn't know you are his girlfriend is you.

I agree ☝️ You’re deluded.

I think you’re in a perfectly nice relationship and it doesn’t matter if his mates think you’re his “girlfriend” - you are to them, in the sense that you have sex with him and hang out with him. They don’t care about the ‘title’ on your relationship - but if you do, you can just correct the assumption every time it arises “I wouldn’t say girlfriend/partner, more like very good friends with benefits”. If he doesn’t like you saying that he’ll tell you. But really it makes no odds what other people think of your relationship. They’ve just drawn some pretty reasonable conclusions, and if he’s no good at talking about emotional stuff it’s highly unlikely he’s specifically defined your relationship with his friends. So don’t stress.

Go on dates, enjoy yourself. At the point you meet someone else who’s significant, then you stop being FWB/his casual girlfriend. It’s fine.

You are describing an open relationship, you are in a relationship not fwb, you want his friends to know that you are both potentially sleeping with other people. Weird that you want people around you both to know so much about the exact details of your sex life tbh. You are in a relationship with him but you want him clarify to all his friends ah no, no, she's just a friend I'm shagging? End it, move on, its not a functional, emotional mature or responsible thing. Strengthen your boundaries, stop involving other people in your intimate business.

I don't think it's at all unusual for FWB to morph into gf/bf, and if that happens, there is going to be a stage where the situation is uncertain.

Whether he thinks you are FWB or his gf, it's unreasonable to expect him to tell people that you are "just good friends" when a) you are not just good friends and b) you haven't instructed him to tell people that lie.

Does it matter what they think if you're all enjoying each other's company?

I want to broach it with him but don't know how to bring it up and that's all i was really asking.

In terms of this, can’t you say ‘Hey Friend, does it bother you at all that people misunderstand our relationship? When X said I was your girlfriend I suddenly worried that you might have described me that way when really we’re just great friends now? I just wanted to check in that our agreement about seeing other people if we want to still feels right for you?’

I don't really understand the problem. It sounds like a casual, no stress, no anxiety about The Future, low-key boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. That's what you're both doing. He's fine with that. You are apparently fine with doing girlfriendy things like going on trips and hanging out with friends/family. You're just getting in a tizzy about people thinking inside their brains that you're his girlfriend when inside your brain you're calling it FWB. It doesn't even sound like you want to change the situation at all, you're just anxious about how other people are labelling it. You're like the FWB version of the person who wants to sit down and have an intense discussion about 'where this is going'. Chill, girl. There's no problem except in your head.

I hope one of you doesn’t get seriously hurt here. I was in a similar situation when I was young, I thought I was ok with it but really I was lying to myself, I was in love with him and had daydreams about getting married. We did everything together, hobbies, spending time with his friends & family, but it really damaged my self esteem that he would never promote me to “girlfriend”... I ended up thinking it was because I wasn’t pretty enough...

But definitely stop worrying about whether his friends wouldn’t include you on a trip if you aren’t officially his girlfriend.

It seems to me that you have some rigid expectations about what a ‘proper’ romantic relationship is. Presumably to you this is not one, but to him it kinda-sorta is. Which is why you’re not compatible ‘together’ as a couple in your definition, but entirely compatible now, in his preferred sort of relationship.

I’d say everyone’s happy until they say they’re not, or move on naturally.

I think deep down you’re really a bit worried because you know this is a ‘proper’ relationship despite your misgivings!

@AndSoPeacefulUntil

I don't want to be someone who has inadvertently 'cheated' on him because he's moved the goalposts without telling me.

But whenever I've tried talking to him about stuff like this in the past, he deflected and shut it down because he doesn't want to talk about it.

IME being FWB with someone who doesn't easily and openly talk about the dynamic doesn't work. Because it shouldn't be stressful to talk about... because none of it should be stressful. That's the whole point!

I think you're over estimating how much other people care and underplaying how much you care about your relationship with him. However you label it, this isn't as casual a 'FWB' situation as the norm because lines have been blurred eg meeting friends, weekends together etc.

I would suggest gently that if you don't feel able to just talk about this with him, you either aren't in the right headspace for a FWB dynamic or he isn't the right person to be having one with. Or both!

If you know someone well enough to regularly shag them, you should be able to raise issues without them shutting you down and should also have healthy enough boundaries to walk away from shagging someone who shuts you down.