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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ruined her day

78 replies

Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 00:55

I’m feeling like a shitty Mum.

I took my daughter to her new uni town today. Dropped her off at her new accommodation and helped her unpack. I’d been dreading it for weeks but had put on a brave face because I didn’t want to upset her. She’s been so excited.

Today was a day I should have been making her feel that I was happy and proud of her, celebrating her success and leaving her feeling secure and confident. Instead, I was a blubbering wreck. I was crying uncontrollably. I was so bloody emotional that she started crying too,

I needed to leave and she was just sobbing in her bed, alone in her new halls of residence, not knowing a soul.

I turned the whole day into a negative shit show and I hate myself for it. I really tried to hold it together but couldn’t.

I’m going to miss her so much and I’m so sad she’s gone but I’m proud of her and happy she’s making her way in the world.

I just wish I hadn’t behaved like that today :(

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 20/09/2021 00:58

Have you communicated with her to let her know how sorry you are and offered her some reassurance?

TyneTeas · 20/09/2021 01:01

Can you text/email/WhatsApp etc her and just say how proud and happy you were, and that she is starting such an exciting time of her life and to see her so confident and grown up overwhelmed you. And that she will be fantastic!

Porridgealert · 20/09/2021 01:01

Don't worry about it, you haven't ruined her day. She'll be happy that you're going to miss hrr and then, like teenagers do, she'll forget all about it to have a drink with her new friends. 😄

Original poster
Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 01:11

Yes I sent a text apologising. She said “it’s okay Mum”

I’ve just sent another text based on what you said TyneTeas. Thank you.

It’s true, I am overwhelmed, happy proud, and devastated in equal measures.

I bloody hope so Porridgealert! I just hope she makes some friends quickly.

Usual mum woes I suppose. Just a really tough and emotional day.

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 20/09/2021 01:17

You'll be worrying because she's on the phone with no friends. And then you'll be worrying even more when she's NOT on the phone because she's got so many friends!! She'll be fine. x

TyneTeas · 20/09/2021 01:19
Flowers
simitra · 20/09/2021 01:23

Your DD is lucky because at least she knew you cared very much and felt pride at what she ahd achieved. I went to uni as a mature student. I rang my parents a few days later and they didnt even ask how it had gone. They were too busy telling me about the latest antics of my sisters children. Clearly they had other priorities. They didnt even come to my graduation and I was the first in my family to get a degree. I never forgave them.

QueenBee52 · 20/09/2021 01:43

Oh no OP.. I felt tearful reading this... Im so sorry you were so upset and felt you had ruined the day.... Im sure you didn't.. its only natural to be upset at leaving her .. she'll miss you too..

I hope you feel better soon and I hope she loves Uni 🌸

1forAll74 · 20/09/2021 02:21

I remember taking my Son to uni when he first went there. We found his room in the halls of residence, and I went to my car to get some of his things, to carry up to his room, he stayed in his room for a while, checking cupboards and stuff.I was only gone for about 10 minutes, I came back, and he wasn't in his room, but I found him in the shared kitchen area, laughing and chatting to 4 or 5 other students, all cracking open some cans of lager or something.

I thought I had better make a quick exit soon, as they were not going to offer a Mother a welcome to uni drink. !

WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/09/2021 03:23

You're being very hard on yourself have some Flowers

It must be such a confusing mix of emotions and it's not surprising you found it a bit overwhelming. Bet you a fiver you weren't the only parent who cried though!

She'll be ok and I'm sure she won't be alone in her room for long, she'll be out checking things out and meeting new friends in no time.

Seesawmummadaw · 20/09/2021 03:46

Bless you op. She will have an amazing time.

Matilda82 · 20/09/2021 04:04

I'd do the same OP. I really struggle to control my emotions with goodbyes. I am even tearful reading this and thinking of my DD leaving in 2 years. Blush very normal I'd say.

Plumtree391 · 20/09/2021 05:01

You didn't ruin your daughter's day, Tanya, your reaction was quite normal and usual. There will have been lots of parents doing the same as you.

It will get better, it's such a wrench at first.

Monty27 · 20/09/2021 05:18

Honestly she'll be having a ball but yes it's hard ❤️

borntobequiet · 20/09/2021 05:54

When I dropped DS at university (all those years ago now!) we both sat in his room and cried for two hours. Then we dried our eyes, hugged and I left.
It was fine.

Original poster
Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 07:30

Thank you so much for your replies. It’s really helped. I feel much better knowing it’s not unusual.

Our kids consume so much of our time, energy and emotions and have such a huge presence for 18 years. Then off they go.

I’m actually feeling a bit more level headed this morning. Work will be a good distraction.

Sorry about your experience with your parents Simitri. Maybe they were just trying to make things seem normal so as not to unsettle you. Bit harsh they didn’t go to your graduation though. That must have hurt.

Thank you all again x

OP posts:
10ColaBottles · 20/09/2021 07:38

I wanted to reply "oh dear" to this but having thought a bit more about it - its actually nice you can share your true emotions with her and let her know you care.

I think back to my experience-I may as well have got a taxi. Mother was like a spiky stone. Makes me shudder looking back.

Enjoy her independence and post her things occasionally-getting post was the highlight of being uni though it was pre email days!

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 20/09/2021 07:47

I went to Uni in 1985. My mum and dad went with me on the train and when it was time for them to leave, we all burst out crying and had a group hug! My mum told me later that they'd walked back to the station with another emotional set of parents whose daughter had moved into the same Hall of Residence as me. You haven't ruined your daughter's day. It's a massive step for both of you Flowers

BlueberrySugar · 20/09/2021 07:50

I remember when my mum and dad dropped me off to uni and I was a wreck. I cried most of the night. The next night our block all got together and went to other blocks to mingle. The first few days are hard and upsetting.

I wasn't even that far away but it felt like a million miles.

Pashazade · 20/09/2021 07:55

I remember ringing my Dad end of the first week, I was so miserable and hadn't made any friends. He said give it three weeks, if you still hate it and you're utterly miserable you can come home. Of course by the end of three weeks I had settled into the course and I was fine, but the reassurance of knowing I didn't have to stick it out if I was desperate was all I needed. I know your daughter was ok, but remember to give yourself time too, it's a massive change. Thanks

junebirthdaygirl · 20/09/2021 07:55

My dm was very stoic when she dropped me to college many years ago..no tears. But then my younger sisters told me she cried on and off that whole week after if my name was even mentioned. I never got to see the tears and l am sure she meant well keeping them from me. But it would have made me feel more loved and maybe a bit more normal..
Don't give it another thought.

TheWatersofMarch · 20/09/2021 08:08

Our 18 yo neighbour went off to Uni on Saturday. We've known her since she was a tot and she's the eldest of the local teen possy which includes my kids, the first to go.
I'm crying like a baby and she's not even my child.
So I'm sending Iove snd hugs to you OP. I am certain you didn't spoil her day, you were authentic and true to yourself. You and you daughter will laugh about this in years to come. 💐

Spiindoctor · 20/09/2021 08:16

Mother was like a spiky stone.

But DCs sort of looked at me when I said I'd better go now (had a long drive home) but I suggested DS chatted to the girl who had just arrived in the next room and ask her where she's from - left them in full non stop chatter, DD hers was the most bleak accommodation and older looking flat mates - but she had a balcony off her room and it turned out to be the main socialising spot as they could smoke on the balcony (going back a while).
I wasn't the teary type. I think I should have looked a bit more bereft but that isn't really me. I was pleased for this new chapter in their lives. And much better leaving them in a halls of res than dropping them off in digs in some strange town cos they're starting their first real job. I was in the YWCA when I left home, got myself there too dragging a huge suitcase- no fun halls for me.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 20/09/2021 08:23

Dropped our son off yesterday,he has not left his room yet and was crying when we spoke to him last night.
We are so worried for him but are trying to encourage him to mingle.

Droite · 20/09/2021 08:37

You remind me of me when I dropped DD off. I just about managed not to cry in her presence, but it was a real struggle, and I could tell when we said goodbye that she was struggling too. I drove off to the first lay-by and had a good sob.

But she was glad to know I wasn't glad to get rid of her, and she settled in fine and had a great three years. So don't worry about it.