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Original poster

I ruined her day

78 replies

Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 00:55

I’m feeling like a shitty Mum.

I took my daughter to her new uni town today. Dropped her off at her new accommodation and helped her unpack. I’d been dreading it for weeks but had put on a brave face because I didn’t want to upset her. She’s been so excited.

Today was a day I should have been making her feel that I was happy and proud of her, celebrating her success and leaving her feeling secure and confident. Instead, I was a blubbering wreck. I was crying uncontrollably. I was so bloody emotional that she started crying too,

I needed to leave and she was just sobbing in her bed, alone in her new halls of residence, not knowing a soul.

I turned the whole day into a negative shit show and I hate myself for it. I really tried to hold it together but couldn’t.

I’m going to miss her so much and I’m so sad she’s gone but I’m proud of her and happy she’s making her way in the world.

I just wish I hadn’t behaved like that today :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 15:16

You are all so bloody lovely. I'm genuinely wiping away tears at all the lovely messages.

Being a Mum is hard! (but also amazing).

I'm counting my blessings and not feeling guilty anymore.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Itsnotdeep · 20/09/2021 15:21

It's so hard isn't it? I'm sure your daughter had a fantastic evening after you left and is just having a brilliant time. She will have got over it so quickly.

I dropped my dd off this weekend, started crying, and she told me to stop! So I did! She looked so nervous as I left her but I heard her flat mates going into her room, and later on she texted me to say she'd had such a lovely evening. I miss her like crazy now, but I'm so excited for her too. She's loving it.

diddl · 20/09/2021 15:22

"Diddl – that’s awful! It must have been a nightmare for you. Is he okay now?"

Yes, thank you.

Dad & sibling went with, so me not being there was OK.

I would have made it worse for them-not saying that you did, just that I know how it is when you find it difficult to hold your own emotions back.

SisforSarah · 20/09/2021 15:24

My mum did the same. We sat and sobbed together and I wondered how on earth I was going to manage without her. It didn’t ruin my day at all it made me feel really lucky to have a mum who cared so much x

ExConstance · 20/09/2021 15:43

In my day (I went to University in 1974) it was just too embarrassing to be seen to have anything to do with your parents when you were moving in to halls of residence. I did go out to lunch with my parents on the way there but insisted they did not even get out of the car when we arrived, and I dragged all my stuff up to my room without them. It was also unheard of to be accompanied by a parent for a university visit or interview.

GurtBusty · 20/09/2021 15:48

I was a bit of a mess on Friday dropping my son off. Contacted him in the evening, worried he might be struggling. Eventually got a reply back saying he was in Wetherspoons with 20 people from his accommodation block having a great time. I got his table number and used the Wetherspoons app to order them a couple of surprise jugs of cocktails! Apparently I was the best parent ever (for a short time anyway!)

Cam2020 · 20/09/2021 15:56

It's unrealistic not to acknowledge that it's a bitterwseet time for both parents and young adults and some tears might be involved. I don't think repressing feelings is always helpful or healthy. If you'd been hanging off your daughter's knees, begging her not to go, that would be a different story but there are worse things in life than tears! Obviously, crying for manipulative purposes is a different matter, but I do think people should be more honest and less judgemental about expressing feelings.

inmyslippers · 20/09/2021 16:00

You're only human!

Cam001 · 20/09/2021 16:13

I remember it well OP, taking our eldest DD to her grotty halls in London. We're country mice so were very wary of her being in the city. We had planned to do a trial run with DD on the tube to her college (5 stops) but Southwark station was closed for maintenance, so we walked 45 mins each way so she knew how to get there in the morning!

I was an emotional wreck and we were all in tears when we left. I slipped a card under her duvet for her to find when she went to bed, just telling her how proud we were of her, to make the most of her time in London and to grasp any opportunities with both hands. She texted me later saying she'd just found it and was blubbing like a baby. That was years ago. She had a tough few days settling in but ended up having a blast. We always joke that she cried when we left her in London but cried more when we collected her at the end of her course.

It's a tough time. Don't be hard on yourself 💐

Rebelmcstreettuff · 20/09/2021 18:47

Sorry Tanya4444 didn't mean to hijack your thread but I burst into tears reading it as I was holding it all in.
It's so hard to keep your emotions in check isn't it,hope your daughter is OK.
Facetimed my son last night and he was in tears,not like him at all so was very upsetting.
Told him he needs to get out there and make some friends but he is very shy.

Original poster
Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 21:14

It must be so hard for you to see him like that Rebel.

Has his course started yet? If he hasn't met anyone in halls, he might make some friends in his tutor group once they start sessions.

It's early days.

As I said to my DD, it only takes one conversation with one other person to start networking.

Could he come home for the weekend or is he too far away?

You're not hijacking at all. This thread has been really helpful with everyone sharing their experiences, good and bad.

You should keep posting if it helps. We can update each other.

I suspect your son will be fine once he settles in and gets talking to people x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanya4444 · 20/09/2021 21:29

Rebel please feel free to inbox me if you want to chat x

OP posts:
Rebelmcstreettuff · 20/09/2021 21:36

Thank you Tanya,he's txt today and said he has been invited out to an event on Thursday with the others in his block,I'm so relieved I can't tell you.
He has spoken to a few of his neighbours today so that's a start.
I was all for picking him up on Friday (1 hrs 30 minutes away) but hope he will stay for the weekend now with the others?
I sat on his bed at 5am this morning crying 😢
If you met him in real life you wouldn't know he has this anxiety, he is a lovely looking lad so I sure he will attract some female attention soon!
Yes please let's update,he doesn't start lessons until 4th Oct,think this is a long time to wait,is this the norm?

Porridgealert · 20/09/2021 21:40

Out of interest, what do they do in the weeks before uni starts? It was a long time ago but I'm pretty sure I was there as the classes started rather than weeks before.

Nothanks123 · 20/09/2021 21:43

She is so fortunate to have a mother who cares as much as you clearly do. Some day soon you will both look back on this day and laugh at your ugly crying.

Hope she has the best time and you soon settle into your new routine Flowers

Treezylover · 20/09/2021 21:47

I only found out recently that my mum cried when she left me at uni. I didn’t think at the time she was anything other than relieved- it would have meant a lot to know she felt sad about it, don’t be too hard on yourself- sounds like you’ve got a lovely and open relationship with your daughter.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/09/2021 21:49

Your DD probably did eyeroll a bit, but she will look back on today with affection and understanding. You have shown her how much she is loved, even if she got a bit soggy as a result 😉

My mother was delighted to see the back of me, and never showed the slightest interest in my university career. I am sad for the relationship I never had with her, but it makes me happy to know that there are such strong mother-daughter bonds in other families.

teawamutu · 20/09/2021 21:58

When my parents dropped me off at uni years ago I was just about holding it together. My mum looked round at my horrible painted brick walls and just wailed. Dad hustled her out at my request.

Even then I understood how she felt, leaving her baby. I get it even more now, with the DC approaching uni age. And tbh it kind of helped knowing I wasn't the only one finding it hard.

You love her, she knows that. Don't kick yourself.

Carriemac · 21/09/2021 08:52

It's an emotional time
For both of you. I cried on the way up and the way back with DS1 , in fact DH came with us as he knew I'd be a wreck. But on drop off we helped him unpack, says hello to his flat mates , toook him for lunch and a food shop
And held it together till we left him. I made a surprise parcel ( pizza voucher ,, photos of thefamily and a card and left it under his pillow which made him and I feel better .
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's ok let them k ow you're sad and also that you wish them
Well and want them to go.

HollowTalk · 21/09/2021 09:03

I took my daughter to her halls - she has a big bedroom at home and there she had what looked like the inside of a garden shed. Small, brick walls, tiny bed with a thin mattress... She looked around and said, "Oh my god, this is AMAZING!"

ScottishDiblet · 21/09/2021 09:20

Hugs all around. I met my best friend at uni after she had a little cry in the common room after her mum had dropped her off. We still talk about it and how lucky it was to meet each other in that moment. We are like family to each other now. I wish you all lots of love and luck.

RickOShay · 21/09/2021 09:35

@Rebelmcstreettuff
So pleased for your ds Smile, that’s great news. I think there will be bumps along the way, but hopefully they will learn and grow. He sounds lovely Flowers

RickOShay · 21/09/2021 09:38

I think this week is Freshers Week. Or shark week Grin DD’s first lecture is next Monday.

Original poster
Tanya4444 · 21/09/2021 14:09

Rebel - so pleased to hear that he's got plans.

Porridgealert - yes there's freshers week but I think a lot of them avoid the activities because they think it's all a bit 'cringe'. Shame though when it's such a good opportunity to meet people.

It is such a poignant time in our lives (parents and kids!)

It's sad to hear that some people felt their parents couldn't wait for them to go but I bet a lot of this is due to stiff upper lips! Not all of them though :(

After reading this thread, I'm kind of glad I got emotional. You can't help how you feel. Some happy phone chats between me and DD have put any negativity behind us. All good now.

Thank you again for all the lovely messages.

OP posts:
ivfbabymomma1 · 21/09/2021 20:52

My son is 2 and this made me well up at the thought I will have to do this one day.... yes yes PFB or whatever it's called

OP you sound like an amazing mum

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