I have just completely lost it at my partner

[moregano]

My partner and I have been going through a rough time. We decided to make improvements to our relationship rather than end it.

We are not married, no kids etc no big ties like that.

I am a long way from perfect. But today, I have just had enough of his attitude.

I pay for 80% of what is currently our shared life. I don't necessarily have a problem with that.

Today I had some financial stuff I HAD to tell him about. It was like trying to get a toddler to recite plato. He just would not listen. Anyway I sat down and did it all myself and he throws a strop about me "being in a mood".

I have no family and no friends so this anonymous forum is the only place where I can vent and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL?!

He wasn't always like this. We've been together a long time and he started this new attitude recently. I would never have picked someone like this.

Yesterday I did a huge amount of cleaning because who the fuck else will do that? As well as working (self employed) and cooking and organising and everything fucking else.

Today he says he will cook dinner. I have a health condition which sometimes makes it extremely painful to walk and also at times walking makes it worse, so if I want it to get better I just have to stay in. I do a Deliveroo. I forget one of the items he says he needed. This is all told to me over two hours while I'm working and sorting finances. I still forgot, but just to be clear not because I'm buffing my nails or something.

Shopping just arrived and he kicks off about this item not being there. We live 3 minutes walk from a shop. I say if he needs the item to go get it. He kicks off even more about how awful I am. Oh and he "WILL NOT" go to the shop.

Like...you can walk without pain, you need X item, fucking walk and go get it. Why does so much fall to me?

I know, I know LTB, everyone else has perfect relationships. Some people probably do but I'm from a very abusive background so I don;t know what normal or anything else is.

I don't think he would be alright without me. But he is a fit, healthy person and he would rather take me to task than go to the fucking shop.

I don't know why he became like this. I can't do everything for two people when I am ill.

I feel like struggling to the shop to get this item while very ill (not covid btw) to prove like, oh, fuck me, normal day to day life, item bought.

Sorry. I am so angry.

[quote moregano]@ChargingBuck I plan to go to a hotel first. I am actually in a non ideal situation to rent but I plan to steam ahead and resolve that. I think there is a good chance he is freaking out for that exact reason.

In his mind, I'm an abuser, so...

Today I have some work to do, can't let that ball drop. I will then get all my documents together, nothing else here really matters. So my plan is to get to the hotel first and go from there.[/quote]
OP - if it's any balm to you, I rarely believe an adverse comment a man makes about his partner/wife because it's always one side of a story.

In your case, if he's not a substantial contributor to your work as a team in keeping and maintaining a roof over your heads and some quality of life, then that would be a very important reason for me to discount what he's saying.

I didn't even know the word boundaries until recently. I tried to apply them with my parents and their approach was....if you don't like my behavior I'll do it more because no one will tell me what to do. I said the consequence would be no contact and they said I was horrible. Now we are NC. It's a steep learning curve.

Yeah ... I'm not surprised by your family background.

Those of us who have survived dysfunctional childhoods can be very attractive prospects to predatory abusers. Congratulations on the NC, that takes a great deal of backbone & is far more complex to manage psychologically than people often imagine.

You've got enough on your plate for right now, & I hope this doesn't come across as patronising or lecture-y, but have you had counselling about your background? Either way, would you consider accessing some in a few weeks, to help you make sense of the relationship you have now exited, & what childhood 'prompts' allowed you to tolerate it to your own detriment?

(btw this is from a 'been there, done that' perspective - no judgement whatsoever.) But it could be reassuring for you to shore up what you now know are your boundaries, & have some expert support in helping you genuinely accept that you are worthy of holding them.
GP or Womens Aid or Freedom Programme would help you with finding a reputable counsellor.
You may also wish to look at this (apologies again if you already know about it) -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Best of luck getting the work finished, & here's to plenty more of it, in the next chapter of your independent life xx

@ChargingBuck It was Ronnie O'Sullivan. Cristiano Ronaldo was pouring me a beer and cooking the dinner while I did it.

[quote moregano]@ChargingBuck It was Ronnie O'Sullivan. Cristiano Ronaldo was pouring me a beer and cooking the dinner while I did it.[/quote]

& they paid at least 80% of the food costs, right?!

@ChargingBuck *
You've got enough on your plate for right now, & I hope this doesn't come across as patronising or lecture-y, but have you had counselling about your background?*

It's not patronising at all, I did have counselling three times throughout my life but really this was always in response to an effect not a cause. I didn't have enough knowledge to know what was really wrong.

So I went for ED, anxiety, depression etc and although useful in a way the therapy relied on techniques to deal with that, rather than where it came from. The ED thing is hard in this situation because my dad would restrict/monitor food so I would never do that to someone else, ever. When I say there is food everywhere in unlimited amounts I really do mean that. It's not a case of...there's half a tin of soup in the fridge and I think that should get us through the month. If anything I go over.

I think going back to deal with my background specifically would be useful. Is that what you did, did it help?

Although I knew my family was not great I would never have called it abuse or anything until quite recently. Even when I went NC I thought it was something that would work itself out. Then I start to realise things...

@ChargingBuck Well if anyone can get their arse to the shop it would be Ronaldo!

So glad to read that you are going to leave thst nasty waster to it.

You won't know yourself without having to pay and do everything for that user.

Excellent that you can pick up and go.

Keep posting

Glad to hear you're leaving the user.
Things will be better not having to carry the leech.
I reckon there are many shy types who'd love to have a friend.

I think going back to deal with my background specifically would be useful. Is that what you did, did it help?

Yes, & YES!!!!

It gave me the toolkit & emotional security to fully understand how - in a TL:DR version - I accidentally married my mother

How my own self-worth had been ground down so extensively even before adulthood that it was little wonder that the grugding & conditional 'love' my husband offered felt like home.

Often, we don't do what we want - we do what we know.
& when we have 'known' that our feelings are immaterial, what we are valued for is providing for & pandering to demanding & unpleasant people, that is a complicated dynamic to unpick.

I know what you mean about "starting to realise things ..."
Those realisations are bloody hard work & take a great deal of emotional resilience.
Having some expert hand-holding through all that is invaluable.
As is the realisation that we don't need to be "cured" - there are no such things as perfect people, & we don't need to aspire to that in order to be mentally healthy.
And learning a lot about how coercive control works, & how to spot the 'tells' than manipulators & controllers give off.

If you haven't seen this metaphor, you might find it informative & it's a great place to start -
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/
The metaphor is based on sexual relationships between men & women, but you can apply it to any human transactions.
It's so clear & direct, so good at explaining all the small "tells" that add up to a big fat package of trouble, that once you've seen it, you won't unsee it :)

It wouldn't surprise me if your ex tries to re-establish contact with you with some hoovering attempts. He will be angry about losing his "supply", so if he gets in touch, review your Shark Cage & remember -
Reasons are for reasonable people.
Unreasonable people only understand power & dominance.

Keep building your own strength & knowledge with counselling, & via information links like some shown on this thread. You never need allow another abusive man to take over your life again, because the resources & knowledge are out there, & the wise women you are going to encounter on your journey will understand & champion you.

More power to the elbow you just gave your loser Moregano xx

& YES to the several PP who have observed what good friends shy people can make.

I'm an introvert, but mask it well, pardon the bragging.
One of my very best pals describes herself as massive introvert, finds masking VERY hard, & calls herself "socially awkward". (To others, she comes across as a delight ... but her perception is the important bit here)
All that means is that she is more comfortable with smaller groups or 1 on 1 socialising, needs plenty of alone time to de-tune herself, & doesn't wish to be the life & soul of a party. She is the truest, most generous, funny & clever friend.

It's not the social handicap some people think it is.

Arrrgh sorry forgot to actually post the Hoovering link
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

I think it's interesting he called you a cheat. You say he's changed relatively recently. Could HE be cheating? From what you say, he's got plenty of time to.

He's currently smashing around making himself some food. Such a silly attitude. Feel really on edge and angry. I don't know where this "I'll HAVE to make some food" thing has come from. It's all there, yes, get on and prepare some food if you're hungry. Jesus H Christ. I would have made dinner for both of us btw but he is being such a dick I can't be arsed.

Just to be clear I no longer have an ED, I have low appetite from being ill.

I've got a Deliveroo on the way as I still can't really go out today. Will update and answer a few things in a bit.

@moregano

Seriously ..

please sort a Rental situ out for yourself... I felt utterly distressed reading your posts lady... you deserve so much better 🌸

Just sometimes you can hear it in a poster's words that they have had enough. They've seen the light. That's it. And I hear it in your words @moregano

You've put up with a lot of very poor behaviour from this man, and you've had enough. You've seen him for who he is and he falls a long way short of a decent partner.

Good for you. Life is about to get immeasurably better

If he really thinks you're an abuser, then he'll be happy you're leaving and will let you go quietly won't he?

Hang on… the tenancy is in his name and he pays the rent with your money.

So he can get a good reference as a tenant but you cannot?

OP, you really are being financially abused.

I am glad you have a plan. You sound strong and well able to get this sorted.

Stop paying for EVERYTHING ...

He’s mad.

Or at least morally insane.

Don’t leave ANY personal items behind when you go to a hotel. Letters diaries ipad laptop passport finances anything remotely personal etc.

SO glad to hear you have no other ties to him.

If you can afford it maybe stay in a nice hotel for a few days. Treat yourself a bit. I think it will take a while to feel completely better, but you can start now 🙂.

Get out as fast as you can.

Don’t look back.

Congratulations 🎉 on leaving the nasty brat.

You can get a postal box Then have all your mail redirected, until you have a new address.
You might find an Air BNB is cheaper to rent for a few weeks than just staying in a hotel, also do not give him this months rent, the lazy sod can sort himself out.
Lift is better single, than being abused.

I hope people don't mind me updating this. I've found journaling type activities really helpful with NC and MH issues.

Last night culminated in a huge, blazing row. Apparently I'm a terrible abusive person. Neither of us would back down.

Eventually I made it clear that I just will not accept this food restriction thing because it's bollocks.

There's loads of food and loads of opportunities (deliveroo, online supermarket shop, days when I feel well enough to walk out and money he can access if he wants to go out to the shop...we get takeaways now and then etc) to get more food. I still cook (so does he) and always make lots of food that he can have seconds of or for lunch next day etc. I don't buy/cook for my appetite. I don't buy only food I like or approve of or any shite like that.

I do tend to forget about lunch basically because I don't get hungry. I would love to be healthy, physically fit and raring to eat something during the day, it's not a choice or something. That does not mean he has to go without!

If it was a child or a guest then yes, I would think... oh it's lunch time, they might want some food. But not someone who lives here and can open cupboards and the fridge and the freezer and access food. It's not like he has to ask me! As I said before most of the stuff is to his taste not mine because I won't be having it.

I'm obviously very defensive on this point because of my background and also because even without that it would make me a terrible person.

The other thing was that he feels like shit because I pay the majority of our expenses and it's made him depressed.

To put a cherry on the top of all that I feel really ill today.

I'm trying to sort stuff out and trying to make good decisions. There's actually a huge amount of complex problems to do with the NC family that needs sorting.

Coming from an abusive background makes you feel damaged and the reason I haven't tried for a kid (when honestly I've always really wanted to) is because I fear being an abusive person myself, not because I WANT to be, but because I might do things without realising. According to him I can be very cold and honestly, he isn't the first person to tell me that.

No sweetheart, you're not cold, he's abusive.
Financially and emotionally.

Stop defending the food issue, it's bullshit and his gaslighting you with it. Just leave, the sooner the better. And stop feeding this leach.

@moregano - would you not be happier on your own. Or perhaps with a cat...

@starskey80

No sweetheart, you're not cold, he's abusive. Financially and emotionally.

Stop defending the food issue, it's bullshit and his gaslighting you with it. Just leave, the sooner the better. And stop feeding this leach.

Stop with the food.

There is nothing wrong with you.

He's suddenly depressed because you pay for nearly everything?

My arse.

He's a lazy fxxker and you need to get away from him.

Keep posting

He's using your previous ED issues to torment you
He's a knob
You deserve better

What are your options for getting away from him?
We are all here for you

Being cold might be in your favour, in this relationship. It's not a crime, either. I bet you're warm with people who are warm with you, aren't you? Are you cold with people who make you feel safe and loved? I bet you're not. If I'm right, you can use 'turning cold' as your filter. People who are good for you don't make you turn cold, so, avoid anybody who does. It could be an abuser-filter.

Last night culminated in a huge, blazing row. Apparently I'm a terrible abusive person. Neither of us would back down

There's no point in trying to discuss stuff with him. He will argue with nonsense, and clearly does, so nothing you say will 'win' or make him 'realise' what a nice person you actually are.

The reason you argue is to try to make him believe who you are; to defend your personality against his attacks. There is no point. He will never admit to believing that you are right and he is at fault. Can you think how implausible it would be for him to one day say 'Yes, darling. I'm sorry for everything. You were right all along and I've been such a fool not to respect you. Please can you forgive me?'

Give up on convincing him. Accept that he's going to keep calling you the abuser. Don't engage in any more arguments. Instead, understand that this is what your relationship looks like. You do everything for him, even when you're ill, he complains, and calls you abusive. Work out if this is the relationship you want, and if not, get away from him and spend some time just shopping for you. Just cleaning for you. Just cooking for you. Just doing whatever you need, to keep you happy.