I have just completely lost it at my partner

[moregano]

My partner and I have been going through a rough time. We decided to make improvements to our relationship rather than end it.

We are not married, no kids etc no big ties like that.

I am a long way from perfect. But today, I have just had enough of his attitude.

I pay for 80% of what is currently our shared life. I don't necessarily have a problem with that.

Today I had some financial stuff I HAD to tell him about. It was like trying to get a toddler to recite plato. He just would not listen. Anyway I sat down and did it all myself and he throws a strop about me "being in a mood".

I have no family and no friends so this anonymous forum is the only place where I can vent and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL?!

He wasn't always like this. We've been together a long time and he started this new attitude recently. I would never have picked someone like this.

Yesterday I did a huge amount of cleaning because who the fuck else will do that? As well as working (self employed) and cooking and organising and everything fucking else.

Today he says he will cook dinner. I have a health condition which sometimes makes it extremely painful to walk and also at times walking makes it worse, so if I want it to get better I just have to stay in. I do a Deliveroo. I forget one of the items he says he needed. This is all told to me over two hours while I'm working and sorting finances. I still forgot, but just to be clear not because I'm buffing my nails or something.

Shopping just arrived and he kicks off about this item not being there. We live 3 minutes walk from a shop. I say if he needs the item to go get it. He kicks off even more about how awful I am. Oh and he "WILL NOT" go to the shop.

Like...you can walk without pain, you need X item, fucking walk and go get it. Why does so much fall to me?

I know, I know LTB, everyone else has perfect relationships. Some people probably do but I'm from a very abusive background so I don;t know what normal or anything else is.

I don't think he would be alright without me. But he is a fit, healthy person and he would rather take me to task than go to the fucking shop.

I don't know why he became like this. I can't do everything for two people when I am ill.

I feel like struggling to the shop to get this item while very ill (not covid btw) to prove like, oh, fuck me, normal day to day life, item bought.

Sorry. I am so angry.

Exactly what does he being to this relationship? How does he make your life better for being in it. If you can't answer just imagine your life without this joy hoover and picture how much better it will be when you just need to think of yourself. Trust me, I've been there and my life improved immeasurably when I got rid of a similar type of man

*Bring not being !

Who cares if he copes without you or not, what is evident is that there is no joy in your life and you deserve much better. He is so utterly disrespectful.

I had 0 boundaries, was responsible for everyone else's needs and wants especially my mum, was walked all over by a dickhead. I get it.

The thing is, seething about the injustice and doing nothing doesn't solve anything. You are rightly fuming because this toxic person is setting off fireworks in your own house. If he was someone who listened and respected you and wanted to hear what you had to say, maybe he would allow you to put some healthy boundaries in place but it doesn't sound that he's the type. Boundaries aren't well I tried, they are no you continue to cross them and I don't want you in my life. It's much easier maintaining a circle with healthy and positive influences then it is trying to calm the chaos when you've already let the toxic people on the bus. Your anger is asking you to take action.

It’s pretty pathetic that he needed you to spend money on Deliveroo shopping rather than him just doing the shopping, anyway.

OP: few people , if any, have perfect relationships. But what they generally do have is a feeling that amidst the bickering or different tastes in films, is a feeling of being treasured. The person who the trust. Makes them feel special. And treasure their partner in return. The bottom line, each would put the other first in a crisis.

This man does not seem to treasure you.

You enjoyed being single. You will again. On days when you can’t cook, cut out the middle man: just have Deliveroo bring a nice takeaway.

You loved being single. Bet you’d love it again. You’d only have to clean up after yourself, you would not have an abusive arsehole shouting at you. You’d only have to pay for yourself.

You deserve better than this parasite sucking the life and money put of you. Do you understand/believe that? It seems pretty obvious to us looking at your story.

I have no idea why some men regress to an almost childlike helpless state after a few years of being in a relationship. In my case I think it was to do with issues he had in childhood. I ended up having to drag him out of bed so he wasn’t late for work, remind him to wash, even had to get his cereal bowl ready for him, he’d throw tantrums about basic things like walking. Sounds kinda creepy in retrospect! At the time I was mostly just exhausted from having to live two lives. And he wasn’t depressed, I was the one who was actually going through a tough time and he just seemed to want to pile on the pressure to literally break me.

I wonder if maybe he was actually really struggling with adulting until I came along, yet managed to convince me he wasn’t for long enough to reel me in to looking after him. In short, LTB. They can go back to their mothers.

OP,
Your life has value and can be lived well.

Don't settle for this.

You deserve better.

Get him out.

He is using you and doesn't care.

Noone has a perfect relationship. There are many shades of grey, and for those who want to be in a relationship (or somehow end up in one) the relationship has to make your life better than it was single - otherwise why be in it?

You were happy single. So you know you would be happy single again.

You don't have to aspire to a 'perfect' relationship. But you are entitled to a relationship that makes your life (and his) better. Where you are respected, supported, cared for, important. Where you share the workload and the life admin. Where you each pull your weight, and are willing to pick up the slack when the other needs you.

At the moment he has a great life in some ways - you are doing the lionshare in every area - financially, housework, planning, worrying about the relationship. All he has to do is turn up. He may well fight to stay with you, but only because he has an easier life when he's with you.

If you separate now (and I sincerely think you should) your life will suddenly become a whole lot easier, calmer and happier. His will no doubt become harder - but only because he's put on you and let you carry all the load. He is an adult and it would do him good to learn how to look after himself.

@moregano Are you OK today?
Safe and in your home?

I can’t comprehend why on earth you refer to him as your partner. He isn’t. He is a cocklodger.

You are actually paying this man to live with you. Why on earth would you live with a twat like that and pay 80% of his outgoings?

Shy, awkward people make great friends. :-) Stop telling yourself that you are not worthy of friendship, not worthy of a healthy relationship. You KNOW this is wrong. You know that some of your beliefs are not serving you. Prioritise yourself for once, and then keep doing that!

Hello everyone. Had a very difficult evening and morning here but there is no safety issue. I've been reading and thinking about everyone's comments and it's really nice for you all to take the time to try and help me.

Just fyi we rent. It's his tenancy, the LL knows about me though and is fine with me being here. Funnily enough. Basically I transfer him the rent money and he then pays it. So it is me that will go.

I have paid for most of the expenditure over the last few years but again fyi I am not minted by any means.

I didn't even know the word boundaries until recently. I tried to apply them with my parents and their approach was....if you don't like my behavior I'll do it more because no one will tell me what to do. I said the consequence would be no contact and they said I was horrible. Now we are NC. It's a steep learning curve.

I think many men, even ones who consider themselves very modern and pro equality/feminism are prone to this kind of thing. They want to be "big important man" so they start offloading things they consider menial onto their partners. Menial as in, it needs doing.

He actually used to earn, shop, cook, clean and all of that. He lost his (again self employed) job a few years ago. I don't even have a problem in theory with him not being the major earning part of the relationship. It's just that when I said I would do that he eased off everything and sort of sees any effort he makes as optional. He is very keen to point out what he has done, like paid X or tidied up Y or sorted Z. He just can't see anymore that I do most of everything, not because he cannot but because he will not.

The whole hissy fit over buying one thing from the very local shop when I would literally really suffer to go was the breaking point. I still do things when I am unwell, just from experience it's really not worth me going out to do something like that. But he can, easily. I pay for all the food shopping so money wasn't even a factor, there is a cash jar for stuff like that. There have been times he has frog marched me (in pain) down to the shop so I can buy food with my card. He could just go himself and use the cash, or I could transfer money to him. I don't check it or monitor shopping money. I've been through financial abuse myself so I'm very aware of not making someone come and ask and justify every purchase. When I do a Deliveroo I always get whatever he asks for (unless I forget). The supermarket delivery shop...he has the login he can add whatever he wants. I really don't think I'm this "horrible" person he thinks I am.

He has some sort of fixation on me going to the shop and paying for things. I used to do that when I wasn't this bad health wise. I would walk out in the evenings and top up shop kind of thing, so I think he misses that outsourcing. A couple of weeks ago we bumped into a (male) friend of his and he literally told them he was being starved! Because this is a good friend of his they cheekily peeped into one of the shopping bags we had and was like "errrr really mate"? I don't eat much because of my health but I still cook things like a roast with trimmings etc and so if anything there is more food than there used to be. I never sit there with my portion that I can manage going, owww how are you getting through all that or anything cunty like that. He has a healthy appetite and i am not healthy so I do not. There is food everywhere. The cupboards, fridge and freezer are all full and mostly with food he likes to eat because I don't have much appetite right now. A few days ago he marched in and said "I will HAVE to make myself something to eat I can't STARVE"...I was like, ok, off you go then. I don't get it. His view is that I keep him from food!?

It's such a horrendous thing to be accused of.

Just bin him. He sounds awful. Don't do it to yourself.

I think many men, even ones who consider themselves very modern and pro equality/feminism are prone to this kind of thing. They want to be "big important man" so they start offloading things they consider menial onto their partners. Menial as in, it needs doing

If this is what you think, you have been spending time with a certain kind of man all your life, which explains why you've put up with this child for so long.

Raise your bar.

@Moonface123

There's a saying " When your a giver, you need to set limits, because takers don't have any. " What does he actually add to your life, apart from disappoint and stress ?

I've never heard that saying, but it is so true.

I've been through financial abuse myself

There have been times he has frog marched me (in pain) down to the shop so I can buy food with my card.

You know that this is also financial abuse, right?
His moaning to friends & you about your alleged starvation of him is a DARVO tactic to keep you in your place, which he sees as being purely to serve him.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

He uses it to justify his horrible exploitation of you.

Are you looking for alternative accommodation, & how simple or hard a fix is that for you? Sounds like you'd be saving a few hundred a month by not feeding this whinging user.

Forget about his accusations - I know they make you feel awful, but can you see that this is the entire point of them? He doesn't say it because he believes it - he says it because it's an effective tool to control you with. So while you deal with planning your next steps, Grey Rock him ("how annoying dear, there's loads of food in the kitchen" etc) by having a few phrases like this ready to roll out on repeat.

And it's not something they are 'prone' to. It's a set of behaviours that they actively choose. You wouldn't say you were 'prone to cooking', or 'prone to showering each morning'. It's not a thing that happens to their passive selves. Give them responsibility for their behaviours, and you might find it easier to discard.

@ChargingBuck I plan to go to a hotel first. I am actually in a non ideal situation to rent but I plan to steam ahead and resolve that. I think there is a good chance he is freaking out for that exact reason.

In his mind, I'm an abuser, so...

Today I have some work to do, can't let that ball drop. I will then get all my documents together, nothing else here really matters. So my plan is to get to the hotel first and go from there.

Oh and apparently I am a cheat by the way. Obviously.

Good luck, its the right decision. I’d also block him

Sounds like a good plan Moregano.

You are going to feel so much less stressed when you are no longer forced to endure this petulant man's tantrums, projection, blaming & manipulation.

It's impressive that you've stayed clear-headed enough to break the job of leaving into separate tasks. And keeping that work ball from dropping while you manouevre the other components into place will keep you focused on you, not him, & that is exactly the attitude you need to nurture right now.

The peace of a hotel room all to yourself will do you the power of good. Also the joy of being able to order whatever you want for dinner without your mealtime being used as a means to control & belittle you - hurrah!

@moregano

Oh and apparently I am a cheat by the way. Obviously.

Of course you are!
Women exist merely as the property of one man or another.
They simply don't possess the agency to manage their lives without one.

I hope it was an entire rugby team btw

As soon as I read your opening paragraph, I knew he was an arse who was benefitting much more from this relationship than you’d be.
Glad you made the right decision.