I have just completely lost it at my partner

[moregano]

My partner and I have been going through a rough time. We decided to make improvements to our relationship rather than end it.

We are not married, no kids etc no big ties like that.

I am a long way from perfect. But today, I have just had enough of his attitude.

I pay for 80% of what is currently our shared life. I don't necessarily have a problem with that.

Today I had some financial stuff I HAD to tell him about. It was like trying to get a toddler to recite plato. He just would not listen. Anyway I sat down and did it all myself and he throws a strop about me "being in a mood".

I have no family and no friends so this anonymous forum is the only place where I can vent and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL?!

He wasn't always like this. We've been together a long time and he started this new attitude recently. I would never have picked someone like this.

Yesterday I did a huge amount of cleaning because who the fuck else will do that? As well as working (self employed) and cooking and organising and everything fucking else.

Today he says he will cook dinner. I have a health condition which sometimes makes it extremely painful to walk and also at times walking makes it worse, so if I want it to get better I just have to stay in. I do a Deliveroo. I forget one of the items he says he needed. This is all told to me over two hours while I'm working and sorting finances. I still forgot, but just to be clear not because I'm buffing my nails or something.

Shopping just arrived and he kicks off about this item not being there. We live 3 minutes walk from a shop. I say if he needs the item to go get it. He kicks off even more about how awful I am. Oh and he "WILL NOT" go to the shop.

Like...you can walk without pain, you need X item, fucking walk and go get it. Why does so much fall to me?

I know, I know LTB, everyone else has perfect relationships. Some people probably do but I'm from a very abusive background so I don;t know what normal or anything else is.

I don't think he would be alright without me. But he is a fit, healthy person and he would rather take me to task than go to the fucking shop.

I don't know why he became like this. I can't do everything for two people when I am ill.

I feel like struggling to the shop to get this item while very ill (not covid btw) to prove like, oh, fuck me, normal day to day life, item bought.

Sorry. I am so angry.

Tell him as a 3 minute walk is too much trouble you've booked him an Uber to his moms, and that he needn't bother coming back. Selfish arse.

What's stopping you from either throwing him out or getting so fucking angry he is scared of you? Coming here is all very well but it isn't changing something that really needs changing

1. Who the f lets someone who is poorly do cleaning when he's fit and able?

1. Why isn't he going to the shops or organising the shopping when a) he's cooking so knows what he needs and b) you're busy sorting your financial stuff out

1. Tell him to get out. Use some of the money you no longer need to subsidise this idiot to get some domestic help.

@BlackIsQueen I loved being single. It actually took a lot for me to give that up and be with him but things are obviously different now.

Get rid of him.
Get a cleaner with the food money you save.
Get your shopping delivered.
If you don't want to cook, get your dinner delivered.

Life will be so much simpler - less stress, less drama and less resentment.

Life is definitely much, much too short for that shit. Come on.

A relationship should enrich your life not suck all the joy and energy out of it.

I know, I know LTB, everyone else has perfect relationships. Some people probably do but I'm from a very abusive background so I don;t know what normal or anything else is

You don't need to know 'what normal or anything else is'.

All you need to do is stay away from people who piss you off/upset you regularly. Tell them they're doing it, and how. If they disregard that, they're disregarding your feelings, so bin them. It's really that simple.

You do 80% of everything, and he's happy for you to keep on doing the drudge work for him, and paying his way, indefinitely. He sounds like a cock lodging, selfish bastard, and you'd be better off without him. If he gets you pregnant, you'll be doing 80+% of the parenting, (and probably still washing his clothes, cleaning the loo after he's been etc, as if you were his mother and he was still mentally a teenage boy).

Do you genuinely have no family and friends or did he make you feel bad when you went to see them. How would he react if you insisted you each pay 50 per cent for things rather than you paying 80.

Well, it sounds like he’s got his feet well and truly under the table. He’s got you on a string like a puppet. Time to cut the strings from the puppet master and let him see how long he lasts in his own.
Btw, my relationship is far from perfect, but this guy is not right for you anymore.
Who owns the house you live in?

There’s absolutely no point in this, it’s not a relationship, it’s a farce. Just dump him and don’t give him a second thought. Ffs.

@Bananalanacake if I said 50% he would just say he doesn't have it and stare at me like ...what are you going to do about that. Or he would say he'll earn money like I'm asking him for a fucking kidney and act like the most put upon person in the world.

Family is abusive, like nightmare abusive. NC.

Friends wise I'm just awkward and shy. Lockdown has made that worse. I have a few acquaintances that I chat to and I enjoy that but awkward, ill, shy woman is not what anyone wants in a friend when there are charismatic, fun people around, I get that.

Friends wise I'm just awkward and shy. Lockdown has made that worse. I have a few acquaintances that I chat to and I enjoy that but awkward, ill, shy woman is not what anyone wants in a friend when there are charismatic, fun people around, I get that.

And even IF all this were true, you'd still be WAY better off without this waste of space...

I'm fascinated that you don't mind paying for 80% of your shared life.

I don't understand why you don't mind.

What does he bring to your life that's worth you basically paying him to be with you?

You said you were happy single, so you know what it’s like.
Very very few people have amazing relationships, it’s about give and take on a good day. Sounds like he just takes everyday

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Why indeed are you so seemingly bothered as to how he would cope without you?.

He managed before you came along and he is certainly capable of doing so again. I am wondering also if you are codependent; his needs though are not more important than yours.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I come from a very messed up background. Have spent time on the SH thread and read the recommended books. It's still hard. It's sort of wired into me that other people;s needs come before mine or I'm a horrible person that doesn't care about anyone.

As bad as I sound (and am) now, I've come a long way in terms of all that. But you can't magic it all away. Making myself unhappy rather than leaving someone to their fate has been my whole life right from my earliest memories. My dad was abusive to my mum, I stuck around to sort of save her if that makes sense and she in turn got an absolute mania for control of me which eventually resulted in the NC.

I know it must sound frustrating to people when they have healthy self esteem and boundaries to hear me withering on. Some of the things people have said to me on here while I worked up to NC have literally been mind blowing for me.

@darklindor Lots of couples have a higher earner and/or a non working partner. I don't mind being the one one who pays more, maybe I'm wrong in that. But I think that in reflection of that he should step up in other areas. Like if we are 1 item short for dinner and he can walk and I can't he needs to walk and get it. Or not, but if he doesn't want to go not turn around and give me a massive dressing down.

He doesn't need to step up, OP - he needs to step OUT, and then keep walking!

Sit down and visualise your life if you split up. Where would you live, what would it be like, what would you miss about the relationship and him in particular?

This isn't a partnership any more, sorry.

@NoSquirrels @TheFoundations I will try and move forward remembering that advice.

I don't think he would be alright without me.

No, he wouldn't be alright.
He'd be raging about losing his cash cow, personal finance manager, & domestic servant.

It's fucking outrageous that he decided to cook, but expected you to do the shopping. Online! - how hard is that! Is it so that you'd be the one paying for it?

To then kick off about forgetting one item (because you were multitasking with work ffs) & refuse to go to the local shop for it is revolting. He thinks he has you under his thumb, & his constant demands & tantrums are his dominance display.

When you kick him out, you will have time to cultivate nice friendships with kind, respectful people. Unlike your awful bully of a b/f.

moregano

re your comments in quote marks:-

"It's sort of wired into me that other people;s needs come before mine or I'm a horrible person that doesn't care about anyone".

Your parents taught you those damaging lessons didn't they.
And that piece of "wiring" needs to be unlearnt because its not doing you any favours in life or relationships now. This is why I also asked you if you were codependent, it certainly seems so and you were taught to be this as well. You can unpick this and unlearn a lot of the crap you were taught about relationships along the way through therapy. You can rebuild your life from the ground up.

"Making myself unhappy rather than leaving someone to their fate has been my whole life right from my earliest memories."

And with this man now you are still continuing that destructive dynamic. With this man he is making you unhappy too.

Being a rescuer and or a saviour too in any relationship never works out. You could not save your mother (only she could do that) and heal her pain. You were but a child at the time, it was not your fault that you could not help her.

Present day you're the only one who can help your own self move forward now and away from this man you've hitched your wagon to. You have a choice re this man just as your mother had with her abuser. I would implore you to make better choices for yourself.

"I know it must sound frustrating to people when they have healthy self esteem and boundaries to hear me withering on"
No, its not frustrating actually as much as sad to see someone who has and continues to be abused. And you are not withering on!!!.

There's a saying " When your a giver, you need to set limits, because takers don't have any. "
What does he actually add to your life, apart from disappoint and stress ?

This isn't a partnership. Your his carer and he's getting a free ride from you. He doesn't care how unequal it is.

A relationship cannot work when only one person is willing to put the work in. You can't make up for his lack of care and effort and make this work. It doesn't.

He needs you more than you need him, yet he's treating you with less respect than a housemate.