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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you walk away from someone you still love

95 replies

NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:03

Just that really.

We have a house/ mortgage together. Been together 11 years. Had our ups and downs, always came out stronger....

No dc's yet but wanted to plan end of the year 

The issue is... his family don't like me, never have done. Time to walk away I think finally as it has gone on too long. It's too toxic and unhealthy and starting to make me ill to a point I feel I need my AD tablets again. My anxiety is at an all time high. No reason at all for them not liking me except me being too 'controlling' with him? He does whatever he wants and makes his own decisions.

DP is not strong enough to deal with what is happening here. It's making him ill also.

Last 2 years he was worked for his dad's business (small company) and since then it had gotten so much worse for me hence my decision now to walk away.... they know he is there everyday seeing both his parents (mum doesn't work). So why do they need to make the effort with me when he is seeing them everyday?

How do I walk away? 

I am at work at the moment but will respond as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 16/09/2021 15:06

Personally, unless they are impacting on your relationship from the point of view that they are colluding with your husband to treat you badly, or bad mouthing you in person, or generally making your life difficult, I wouldn't be throwing away a long relationship like this.

In what way does it impact you day-to-day? Can your husband not just refuse to talk about anything to do with you if his parents are trying to engage him in dialogue? If your husband is on your side, and is aware of his parents feelings but independent of them, what is making you feel so anxious? Is it just the fact they don't like you?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/09/2021 15:07

Why do you need to communicate with any of his family? Leave him to do that.

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:10

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe you are right but it's to a post where my name is never on cards (DP is) I also was left out of gifts for Xmas last year. That is the light stuff. It's really difficult. They know what they are doing and they know it winds me up which is why they keep doing it in hopes we will split up.

How can I bring kids into this relationship? I'd have to tell them they only have one set of grandparents (mine who love us both as a couple).

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/09/2021 15:12

How did it work with the xmas gift thing? Did they hand your DP a present and not one for you? Didn't he say anything?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:12

@PollyDarton1 it's the fact they ignore all of my attempts to reach out. I believe they are bad mouthing me to DP but he doesn't tell me. He just sits on the fence.

I don't like the fact they are not making an effort to even build bridges with me because they know they will see DP in the morning.

(His mother would marry my DP if she could) it's unfortunately like that and always has been. It's so difficult and wouldn't wish it in my worse enemy.

It's difficult to explain.

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:14

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe DP spent Xmas with me and my family last year- he came around with a truck load of presents just for him to open from his parents Sad

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/09/2021 15:14

If you reach the point where you have to be medicated to cope with your relationship then it's time to go.

Luckily you don't have children together - his parents would be a nightmare. It's interesting that they say you're controlling. What are they basing that on?

Have you looked at places to live? Would you want to stay in the same location? Would your partner make things difficult for you? Would he go to stay with his parents to give you time to find somewhere new?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/09/2021 15:20

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe DP spent Xmas with me and my family last year- he came around with a truck load of presents just for him to open from his parents Sad[/quote]
Oh, that was a bit twattish of him really wasn't it?, I mean, he didn't have to do that, he could have opened them with his parents to save you noticing that you hadn't been included. Yeah, not nice of him, leave.

Hehx3 · 16/09/2021 15:23

Hi Op just one from me: I too was excluded from Christmas gifts from my ex partner parents - it is not a reflection on you and more on them. Really shitty thing to do xx

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:25

@HollowTalk I would love to move away somewhere else with DP just us to start fresh and start a family. I have mentioned it but doesn't listen. I don't think he realises how serious I am. He will never leave his controlling parents. (Hes 29 by the way not 15!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:25

@Hehx3 thank you x

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 16/09/2021 15:28

Have you thought about marriage counselling? A safe place for you both to discuss your relationship and things affecting it.

Also counselling for him to understand why he's unable to deal with this. He chose you. He should be able to set up boundaries with his parents, especially if they choose to exclude you.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 15:35

It would be bad enough if he had your back, but he sounds too enmeshed with his DParents. I don't see how living like that can work in the long term. 💐

Chloemol · 16/09/2021 15:37

If you want to stay with your husband then just stop.

Just stop interacting with them. Accept they don’t like you for whatever reason and stop making any effort

Just tell your dp you are done. You want nothing to do with his parents. You don’t want to hear anything about them, You won’t be attending any family events. If he wants to he goes on his own. You won’t be responsible for any presents cards etc. You won’t be spending Christmas there, and if he comes to yours his parents presents don’t!

If you stay and have children your children will not be meeting them, as they can’t be civil to you as their mother

Then if he can’t understand or agree to this then it’s time to tell him your relationship is over, purely down to his parents and your dps acceptance of how they treat you

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 15:38

I think you need to accept that your partner is letting you down, here, which makes him less than perfect for you. You need to be with someone who you feel prioritises you, and you don't feel that he's doing that.

It's not really 'you and him against the world', is it. It's you against the world, and he sits and watches.

PollyDarton1 · 16/09/2021 15:38

I think two things can happen here;

  1. You walk away from what could possibly be a brilliant relationship
  2. Accept that his family do not like you for whatever reason, rightly or wrongly and stay together. We can't get on with everyone and if MiL is one of those characters where nobody will ever be good enough for her DS, then try and reason that you aren't the problem and they are. Raising a child could be problematic but if you can accept that DP will be the contact source, then allow it to be the case.

You can't make people like you. If your relationship is otherwise fine, and the problem is you want your DP to build bridges, give him time to try and do so but don't push. He may not be able to repair that. Take any talk of his family off the table.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/09/2021 15:39

It's you against the world, and he sits and watches.

And rubs her nose in it by taking the presents to her parents and opening in front of her knowing full well there is nothing for her.

Frymetothemoon · 16/09/2021 15:47

Whilst he may not be abusing you himself, he is complicit in his family's abuse by not doing anything. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't have my back

Bookaholic73 · 16/09/2021 15:49

People under estimate how much this can wear a partner down.
Your ‘D’P is complicit in their treatment of you, so it’ll never change.

Sorry, it’s so hard to leave someone you live, but you deserve so much better.

LazySundayPlease · 16/09/2021 15:51

In the nicest possible way can I ask how it impacts you? I think it can only impact you if there is more to it than you've been able to explain already?

My mother in law dislikes me, she barely speaks to me BUT it doesn't really impact me directly or my relationship. Are there arguments? Does he take their side?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:07

@Frymetothemoon exactly this.

I will respond to everyone thank you so much for all your comments.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 16:07

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@HollowTalk I would love to move away somewhere else with DP just us to start fresh and start a family. I have mentioned it but doesn't listen. I don't think he realises how serious I am. He will never leave his controlling parents. (Hes 29 by the way not 15!!)

[/quote]
Have you told him how serious you are?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:08

@PollyDarton1 thank for your most recent comment. Yes no one is good enough for her DS. Not just MiL but everyone. MiL still talks about breastfeeding her son when he was 2 years old infront of me. It's abuse ive always dealt with.

OP posts:
EmmalineC · 16/09/2021 16:08

I think you should separate from this man. His parents sound toxic - do you have any idea of what they were like with previous partners?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:09

@TheFoundations yes. He does red and ends up scratching his head. He suffers with anxiety and his family know this. Hoping their treatment of me will eventually end up me leaving him.

OP posts: