How do you walk away from someone you still love

[NetflixandWineplease]

Just that really.

We have a house/ mortgage together. Been together 11 years. Had our ups and downs, always came out stronger....

No dc's yet but wanted to plan end of the year 

The issue is... his family don't like me, never have done. Time to walk away I think finally as it has gone on too long. It's too toxic and unhealthy and starting to make me ill to a point I feel I need my AD tablets again. My anxiety is at an all time high. No reason at all for them not liking me except me being too 'controlling' with him? He does whatever he wants and makes his own decisions.

DP is not strong enough to deal with what is happening here. It's making him ill also.

Last 2 years he was worked for his dad's business (small company) and since then it had gotten so much worse for me hence my decision now to walk away.... they know he is there everyday seeing both his parents (mum doesn't work). So why do they need to make the effort with me when he is seeing them everyday?

How do I walk away? 

I am at work at the moment but will respond as quickly as I can.

It’s hard but you have got to leave. If he is not changing in his stance and lack of boundaries now he won’t in the future. Sit him down and talk about finances in relation to a separation and see what he says. He will know you are serious and you will have got the ball rolling. Thanks to his family and his lack of backbone this relationship will not be healthy for.

@Conkersandcoffee honestly he sounds like my DP at the moment. Is trying to protect me from them but allows them to treat me the way they do.

If you walk away, they're getting what they want. Encourage your partner to job hunt and nor depend on the family business, start to separate your lives, be firm with boundaries

I can relate, in that I have to have my abusive ex husband in my life forever because we have a child together. I've had a few breakdowns during my son's life because I can't cope with being insulted all the time. And there's no reason for him doing it. He doesn't know me, doesn't speak to me, never sees me with my son and if I don't do something minor he can blow up about, he'll just make something up that I've done.

I don't know how you could have a life partner if it's accepting that kind of treatment forever. I've only got another seven years to go before my son is an adult. If it was going to be the rest of my life, I think I'd literally end up in hospital with the trauma.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns I've tried getting him away from the family business, he won't leave it as he 'likes the way of life' and wants the flexibility when he's older. I'm going to speak tonight and encourage him to come away.

@NetflixandWineplease
"his mother would marry my DP if she could"
As shocking as this scenario is, my former partner's dd was/is equally obsessed with him, I believe it's called the Electra complex in psychology, she texted & rang her DF several times daily, despite working full time & having a boyfriend. I tried indifference as a response to her hostility, then discovered he was calling me rotten to her, so I called time & walked away. You could try indifference towards his family and avoid them like the plague, to see if it works for you. If they are still in your face, and your DP won't back you up, maybe it's time to part company?

@Frymetothemoon

Whilst he may not be abusing you himself, he is complicit in his family's abuse by not doing anything. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't have my back

@Frymetothemoon How very well put !

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@EvenRosesHaveThorns I've tried getting him away from the family business, he won't leave it as he 'likes the way of life' and wants the flexibility when he's older. I'm going to speak tonight and encourage him to come away. [/quote]
Don't do that. Even if he were to agree and stick to it, he would resent you for it later in life at some point because he arguably never chose it for himself. It is not for us to tell people to leave their family. He has to want to do it. And for himself, not just for you.

Plus you could never guarantee he wouldn't let them back into his life at a later point.
I'm sorry op, but you shouldnt have to ask him. And, it is arguably wrong to ask him.

Plus he clearly doesn't want to.
And he seems to have been fine up till now to allow them into the life of the woman he is supposed to love and cherish, even knowing they cause her harm. How could you ever truly respect a partner that has done this?

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@EvenRosesHaveThorns I've tried getting him away from the family business, he won't leave it as he 'likes the way of life' and wants the flexibility when he's older. I'm going to speak tonight and encourage him to come away. [/quote]
He's already told you he doesn't want to. He likes it. He likes the set up how it is. He likes the set up that makes you miserable. You've told him clearly how you feel and he's not made any changes. So you'll tell him again. And then you'll make another post on here about 'How am I supposed to handle this?'

And then you'll tell him again. And then you'll make another post on here about 'How am I supposed to handle this?'

And then you'll tell him again. And then you'll make another post on here about 'How am I supposed to handle this?'

He has already given you all the information that you need. He has already taken the action that he feels is appropriate for him to take.

*though maybe you just mean, enocouragevhim to leave the job? Still, dont do that either. He had told you he doesn't want to. He will resent you if he leaves for your sake only.

@Carreterra that's amazingly well put, agreed. I need to try and use that on him.

@Conkersandcoffee please think very carefully before you put your xp name on birth certificate. Because if his family try to control you through your baby it will be so much harder. If he has no name on the certificate he has no parental rights without pursuing it through the court.

You need to take steps to protect your baby from their toxicity

Sorry I for thread hijack. It sounds super tough but it does sound like you should walk away. Unless you dp grows some courage and respect for you then you will never be clear of them. Do not have his children. It will be awful

Thanks @snowdropsandcrocuses this is good advice. I have been wondering this.

Brief answer about how you handle leaving someone you still love:

"Detach with love".

You might have to acknowledge that you don't want to leave him to yourself and grieve, but he's told you what he wants - to stay in the family business - and actually I think you need to respect that.

There are a lot of choices at play here. You could choose to go NC with his family. He could choose to support you more. You could choose to suck it up and accept you will never be good enough to for his family. He could choose to stand up to his family and, in Mumsnet parlance, call them out on their behaviour.

But to me, the bottom line here is that he appears to have already chosen them over you. You’ve told him how you feel, pointed out his family’s vile behaviour, encouraged him to think about a different home, new job, new approach etc but he is not interested. He seem too comfy with things as they are. And he is either spectacularly unaware or spectacularly cruel to have taken piles of family gifts just for him to open in front of your own family!

It’s time, I think, to face up to the fact that he doesn’t love you enough and to get those plans to separate in place. I couldn’t live like this, knowing that the person I thought I loved didn’t care enough about me to want me to be happy.

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback, you've no idea how much better it's made me feel.

@NetflixandWineplease

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback, you've no idea how much better it's made me feel.

So what are you going to do?

Have you tried not caring what they say or do? Not giving a fuck is very liberating. Right now you are essentially playing into their hands.

You can’t control how they behave but you can control how you react.

I don’t think you really appreciate how incredibly difficult it must have been for him growing up in the environment you describe. You are an adult and you’re struggling, imagine it being all that you know and them being your family.

Him not going to family events that you are not invited to is a huge thing and your dismissal of that suggests that your demand to be heard and understood, aren’t being reciprocated.

Leave if you want but I think some solo counselling for yourself could benefit you and your relationship.

Lead by example and show him getting support from a professional isn’t the mountain that some think it is.

Does he come from a culture that has very strong responsibilities to parents?

So sorry that this is happening to you and your relationship.

Honestly, I think you should walk away as I'm sure things will only get worse, especially if you have children. They'll either also be ignored OR they'll be adored and they'll see and hear you being treated horrendously. Either way it will be hugely damaging to them and you.

If your DP can't or won't change this awful dynamic will be your life.

For me, one massive advantage of my divorce was not having to deal with ex's family anymore, and they were nowhere near as toxic as your in-laws.

You will find someone else, it isn't too late. The rest of your - and any children's - life is a very long time. Find the strength to walk away now before your mental health is even more badly affected. I know you love him, but he comes with a massive amount of baggage! Pretty sure your depression/MH struggle will resolve when you part company. Can be done easily - sell the house, split the money, walk away. Honestly, in the long run you'll be thankful. I never say LTB lightly, and he's not a B, just very tied to his family in an unhealthy way.

Good luck OP.