Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you walk away from someone you still love

95 replies

NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:03

Just that really.

We have a house/ mortgage together. Been together 11 years. Had our ups and downs, always came out stronger....

No dc's yet but wanted to plan end of the year 

The issue is... his family don't like me, never have done. Time to walk away I think finally as it has gone on too long. It's too toxic and unhealthy and starting to make me ill to a point I feel I need my AD tablets again. My anxiety is at an all time high. No reason at all for them not liking me except me being too 'controlling' with him? He does whatever he wants and makes his own decisions.

DP is not strong enough to deal with what is happening here. It's making him ill also.

Last 2 years he was worked for his dad's business (small company) and since then it had gotten so much worse for me hence my decision now to walk away.... they know he is there everyday seeing both his parents (mum doesn't work). So why do they need to make the effort with me when he is seeing them everyday?

How do I walk away? 

I am at work at the moment but will respond as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:10

@EmmalineC sister in law who always hates me (abusive messages) told me the first day I met her she didn't think anyone was good enough for her brother in law and she hated ex.

Ex is now happy and away from it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:12

@Chloemol

If you want to stay with your husband then just stop.

Just stop interacting with them. Accept they don’t like you for whatever reason and stop making any effort

Just tell your dp you are done. You want nothing to do with his parents. You don’t want to hear anything about them, You won’t be attending any family events. If he wants to he goes on his own. You won’t be responsible for any presents cards etc. You won’t be spending Christmas there, and if he comes to yours his parents presents don’t!

If you stay and have children your children will not be meeting them, as they can’t be civil to you as their mother

Then if he can’t understand or agree to this then it’s time to tell him your relationship is over, purely down to his parents and your dps acceptance of how they treat you

Thank you. We've had the conversation. He said he 'wants his parents in his life. I suppose that's my answer?

He was supportive in the sense he said to me a couple of months ago- he would not be attending any family events if I wasn't there. But that doesn't help their theory that I am 'controlling' by MAKING him not to. It is a chicken and egg vicious circle with them. It's awful.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 16:12

Right, well if he knows it's really bothering you and he does nothing, he's not really that bothered about you feeling ok, is he?

I'm wondering what else he does that you don't like, and you write your discomfort off because 'he suffers from anxiety'?

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 16:14

He was supportive in the sense he said to me a couple of months ago- he would not be attending any family events if I wasn't there

What do you want him to do as well? What do you need him to do that he hasn't done, and have you told him?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:19

@TheFoundations asked him to do couples counselling but does not seem interested. I know (at least) I think he loves me except ..... probably loves his family more than me Sad

I am she to have another chat with him tonight after work.

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:19

His mother also makes him write cards to members of his family behind my back.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:21

Op

Your dp is totally failing you.

I couldn’t stand by and watch someone I love treated in this way.

He doesn’t value you. Period

sessell · 16/09/2021 16:21

Why do they think you are controlling OP? My son has a gf I would have described in that way, because she was horribly rude to all of his friends and family, forcing him to effectively choose. He did choose her for a long time and totally backed up and justified her behaviour. It was very isolating for him. She also threatened mental health crises, which can be another form of controlling behaviour. Anyway, controlling is quite a specific term, is it completely groundless or is there something for you to reflect on?

Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:21

@NetflixandWineplease

His mother also makes him write cards to members of his family behind my back.
Pathetic Are adults really this spineless in real life?
Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:24

Not interested in counselling
Goes behind your back
Allows family to treat you like shit

Op. I am totally baffled. How low just your self esteem be.

If he the only relationship you have had?

This is not a normal happy healthy and loving relationship

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:27

@Marni83 honestly that's not even the half of it. He is too scared to tell her no.

I really wished he had just said to MIL "myself and (me) will write the card I don't have to be made to)

The worse part is I still don't know to this day if my name was on it.

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 16/09/2021 16:30

Ok, so he loves his family more than he loves you.

Who do you love more, him or yourself?? If it's yourself, then you need to pick yourself up and walk away.

Washeduponthebeach · 16/09/2021 16:32

I have seen this sort of thing up close with a relative and her MIL. It has ruined her life. It won’t change. You need to leave him and find a man who isn’t tied to his Mummy.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 16:33

If kids are part of your future plans, the toxic in laws will crank up the craziness. Your DP has already proven his lack of backbone and support. Please think on.

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:33

@sessell I certainly have not done anything like that. We don't have a massive friend group for me to chose who he even sees/ doesn't see. We have a couple of close friends that seem to be supportive of us.

We had his grandmother's 70th birthday 3 years ago where SIL shouted at me- apparently me and DP helped do nothing to organise her party (although when he bought things we were told they were not needed!!) I asked to leave as I was in floods of tears in the toilet on my own. Apparently that's me being controlling as he took me home and didn't put MIL and SIL first for once Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:34

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar agreed. But we have a house and mortgage to sort now...

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:35

@Justmuddlingalong what if I don't allow them to have anything to do with them? They don't want anything to do with me so my kids can't be involved. Oh I don't know Sad

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 16/09/2021 16:35

Be very clear. Spell it out...' this is what's happening, this is how it makes me feel, this is what I want you to do'. Ideally he will man up and tell them enough is enough, or move with you, or both.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 16:37

But any kids you have are also their DS's kids. That'll be what matters to them.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 16:39

If he is not strong enough to walk away from them, then you need to be strong enough to walk away from him.

No way in hell should children be brought into a relationship where they will have to have contact with toxic grandparents. Coming from the granddaughter of a narcissist who hated my father, and me even more so.

If you identify toxic people in your life, move away from them. If your partner cannot support you doing in that, then he is not in any place to be in a relationship right now.

Of course,its hard to walk away from toxic family members. It's a choice he has to make for himself more than anything. But he clearly is not ready and may never be.

Choose you. Love you. Dont marry into toxic families or face kids within them. Or the cycle will only continue.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 16:40

*or have kids with them

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 16:40

@Justmuddlingalong

But any kids you have are also their DS's kids. That'll be what matters to them.
Thats not how abusive people think.
Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:40

11 years you have wasted with this guy

You want children? How old?

Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:41

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@Justmuddlingalong what if I don't allow them to have anything to do with them? They don't want anything to do with me so my kids can't be involved. Oh I don't know Sad[/quote]
Seriously op

Hey with the programme

Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:41

Get