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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you walk away from someone you still love

95 replies

NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 15:03

Just that really.

We have a house/ mortgage together. Been together 11 years. Had our ups and downs, always came out stronger....

No dc's yet but wanted to plan end of the year 

The issue is... his family don't like me, never have done. Time to walk away I think finally as it has gone on too long. It's too toxic and unhealthy and starting to make me ill to a point I feel I need my AD tablets again. My anxiety is at an all time high. No reason at all for them not liking me except me being too 'controlling' with him? He does whatever he wants and makes his own decisions.

DP is not strong enough to deal with what is happening here. It's making him ill also.

Last 2 years he was worked for his dad's business (small company) and since then it had gotten so much worse for me hence my decision now to walk away.... they know he is there everyday seeing both his parents (mum doesn't work). So why do they need to make the effort with me when he is seeing them everyday?

How do I walk away? 

I am at work at the moment but will respond as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 16/09/2021 16:44

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@BlameItOnTheBlackStar agreed. But we have a house and mortgage to sort now... [/quote]
Yes, it will be horrible and it will be hard. But not as bad as spending your whole life with someone who will only share half of his with you.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 16:45

I think that's exactly how abusive people think. The OP is being alienated by her DP's family. They already call her controlling. Therefore any kids that came along would have to be taken into the family fold.

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:48

@Justmuddlingalong yes they would do, so in turn I'd hope their respect for me would surely change.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 16:48

[quote NetflixandWineplease]@Justmuddlingalong what if I don't allow them to have anything to do with them? They don't want anything to do with me so my kids can't be involved. Oh I don't know Sad[/quote]
If what you wanted mattered to him, you would never have posted here, would you?

You need to face the fact that he will do what his mummy tells him, at the expense of your feelings. Clearly you're not happy with that, but you can't, and won't be able to, change it.

The only question really is whether his current behaviour is a deal breaker for you, because it is what you will have to put up with all your life, if you marry him. It's who he is. This is the behaviour you will be marrying/having kids with.

Doesn't it turn you right off?

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 16:49

@Pinkbonbon I've already been told DP's Niece and Nephew and nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
dryasaboner · 16/09/2021 16:50

Honestly I empathise
My Ex DHs family were like until one year after every single person in the family got a birthday gift and card but me I said if he's happy to see me excluded and treated like that he's no man. Trust me it gets no better and we were together 21 years

Marni83 · 16/09/2021 16:51

Op

Before you have children, you need to do a lot of work on your self esteem and gain an understanding of what is and isn’t good in a relationship

Otherwise your children are going to have a dire role model

todaysdilemma · 16/09/2021 16:53

Hi OP, really sorry this is happening to you. But I think it is is the right decision to leave as unfortunately, the parents come as a package deal with your DP since he also works with them. And isn't strong enough to stand up to them.

My grandparents never liked my mum (she was a career woman and they wanted someone more homely) but my dad married her, moved rather far away and would only see them when she wasn't around. However, this only worked because my dad wouldn't tolerate any negativity about his wife, often getting into arguments with family if they said anything. And he wasn't at all financially entangled with them.

Unless your DP can grow a backbone and stand up to his mum and the others, AND move far far away AND not work for them, this will never work. And it will drain and depress you. Having this sort of negativity in your immediate life constantly is soul destroying.

As much as you love him, you're right that bringing kids into this will be miserable for everyone. Toxic families can destroy relationships, and frankly if you are the second woman they have chased away, and he is STILL not doing anything, he's clearly not that bothered about relationships. Mummys boys are the absolute worst, even worse if the mummy is nuts - who discusses his breastfeeding with their son's partner???

You deserve a stress free, happy life with a partner who can shelter you from toxic people, not someone who comes with all this baggage. Good luck whatever you decide.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 16:54

@Justmuddlingalong

I think that's exactly how abusive people think. The OP is being alienated by her DP's family. They already call her controlling. Therefore any kids that came along would have to be taken into the family fold.
Well, there is a chance the will be treated as the golden child who can do no wrong (instead of the 'scapegoat' who is abused). Its 50/50. Either way, it's not healthy to be the golden child either. They are still abused due to unhealthy family dynamics. For example - they will likely be played off against their mother.
Mymapuddlington · 16/09/2021 16:55

You need to have word with dp.
Tell him to grow a back bone and stand up for you.
If he loves you why does he do what his mum wants behind your back? Why does he let them exclude you?
I would tell him he has to start putting you first and telling them straight or there’s no hope.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 16:56

And I'd worry about them dripping poison in the kids ears too.

LanisHouseLot · 16/09/2021 16:58

He has my sympathies as it can be hard for people to extricate themselves from their own overbearing and controlling families when it's all they've known. But you are right to think you should get out if you want to have kids. It will feel ten times worse trying to navigate all this with kids in the middle.

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:01

@Justmuddlingalong that's what worries me also. However they wouldn't see my DC without me.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2021 17:02

Then you're falling into the "see how controlling she is" trap.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 17:05

@Justmuddlingalong

And I'd worry about them dripping poison in the kids ears too.
Exactly that.

Narcissists play other ppl off against eachother.
My grans fave thing to do was to be nice as pie once in a while and act like we were getting along...and then when my mum came home, tell her I had been a bad, unfelial child. On the days she wasnt just flat out telling me I ruined my mums life that is :/

My mum was always grans golden child (her 2 sisters having been scapegoats) and I took on the scapegoat role when gran moved in with us. She was a bully. And although mum was the golden child, she suffers even now with codependentcy issues. I can only guess that grieing up seeing her mum treat her sisters so badly, made her desperate not to fall into that trap.

I dont think theres any excuse for an adult to being children into a family where they know there are toxic people. I love my mum and I know she is not to blame, it's all she ever knew you see. But you do know differently, you know this behaviour is not ok, you know your children may be subject to similar abuse within this family. So dont choose it.

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:06

@Justmuddlingalong Jesus yeah

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:12

@dryasaboner I hear you. The SIL always got the iPad. I got the stocking filler mirror that comes free from the perfumes you get. Honestly couldn't write it.

Also Grandma of DP is very protective. Theory in family that she fancies my DP. It's that worrying.

She is more understanding more so than anyone else but I am getting it from all angles. If DO was strong enough I honestly think we would be ok. Ultimate goal would be for us to move away.

OP posts:
Conkersandcoffee · 16/09/2021 17:12

Oh OP I feel I could have written your post. Felt exactly the same and we were due to marry in a few weeks. Invites went out and as we our venue didnt allow children he was given the ultimatum to either marry me or lose his family. He went to speak to his Mum and I received a call from another family member to say relationship is over, wedding cancelled and I need to leave our home. Three weeks and no word from him. Currently 3.5 months pregnant with our planned for baby, nowhere to live, and lost the love of my life. We were happy, no rows, just constant control from his family and although he hated his upbringing, life before we met, and the control his family had over him.... he never stood up or set boundaries. Fear of losing his job in the family business was a big one... but it's too much. I miss him, but the relief I dont have to deal with his family anymore is surreal, as if a huge weight has been lifted. I dont know if I will ever stop loving him, but my priority is my baby now xx

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:13

@Conkersandcoffee oh my god Confused
I am so sorry. Isn't is bizarre they are willing to lose love of their lives for family that (sorry) won't always be around

OP posts:
Conkersandcoffee · 16/09/2021 17:17

He has lost and broken our little family, because we wanted to get married before baby arrived and two children wouldn't have been able to attend our reception. Gutted he was ever given the ultimatum, but showed true colours and given me strength to know I'm better off out of it... time has to be a healer or so I keep telling myself!

Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:19

@Conkersandcoffee I cannot believe it, that is nothing like I have ever heard before. Have you heard from any of his family since?

Try to move on from it and learn. You are worth so much more!!

Honestly wish I could take my own advice sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandWineplease · 16/09/2021 17:20

@Conkersandcoffee sorry... I have just re read your message.... I am in the exact same position. Dp works within his family business. Never set boundaries or control. He was always too scared, even for me.

OP posts:
Conkersandcoffee · 16/09/2021 17:27

Same, I think he tried to protect me from his family. Which is why I dont understand why he hasnt been in touch and allowed his family to contact me and tell me our relationship is over. Just isnt making sense at the moment. I have since blocked them and informed him I will only talk to him about our baby, not a Dickie bird from him

NowEvenBetter · 16/09/2021 17:32

We've had the conversation. He said he 'wants his parents in his life. I suppose that's my answer?
Loud and clear. At least you aren’t married, and can just dump him and enjoy your life.

Giggorata · 16/09/2021 17:35

Reading this, I am reminded of my exH, who I always knew was the love of his mother’s life, but I didn't understand how much he played up to her until much later.

He would cadge money, telling her that I had spent the housekeeping on myself. He would be full of tales about how temperamental and unreasonable I was (mostly when I objected to being ignored or beaten up)
No wonder she didn't like me, with the picture she was given.
So I would ask you OP, if you are sure that your DH isn't giving his family the wrong impression about you behind your back?