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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seriously, does it have to be this hard?!

77 replies

EL8888 · 15/09/2021 16:58

In the middle of buying a house with my fiancé and he’s recently started working from from home. He’s driving me insane! The mess, the bellowing down the phone, the lack of organisation with the move, annoying coffee making rituals etc etc. The latest revelation this afternoon, is last night he threw away a box of my documents. He decided they were recycling (they weren’t) and they weren’t in the recycling box. The bin men are long gone. I don’t even know what was in it, some financial documents, my mothers power of attorney? The dining room is where we agreed to gather packing boxes and that’s where it was. Part of me wonders do l want the rest of my life to be like this? The prompting and reminding, sorting out of fuck ups etc. Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

OP posts:
PullMeInToTheScreen · 15/09/2021 17:01

He didn't accidentally 'think' they were recycling. He chose to put your important documents in the recycling.
If he had even the tiniest shred of doubt he would have waited and checked with you.

I genuinely could not put up with this for one day more. He sounds like he wants you to be his mum, organising his shit for him when presumably he's a grown adult? Can you pull out of the house purchase?

Teacupsandtoast · 15/09/2021 17:02

Step away now before you commit to a house....it wont get better, it'll always be your stuff, it'll never be his fault

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/09/2021 17:04

I think you should put your fiancé in the recycling bin.
Better luck next time.

takingmytimeonmyride · 15/09/2021 17:04

Are you with my friends ex? He was always "accidentally" throwing away her stuff - decent clothes, paperwork, trinkets, presents I'd bought her. She took far too long to dump him. Don't make that mistake!

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2021 17:04

Part of me wonders do l want the rest of my life to be like this? Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

Huge red flag. Don't marry him, don't buy a house with him.

Original poster
EL8888 · 15/09/2021 17:09

@PullMeInToTheScreen l asked him why he didn’t ask me or even mention it to me. He doesn’t know. I even asked where the box is and recycled that as well! Who bins a box when they’re about to move house?! Makes no sense

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 15/09/2021 17:15

@PullMeInToTheScreen it’s not too late to pull out

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 15/09/2021 17:16

@Teacupsandtoast he’s already said it’s not his fault and he doesn’t know why lm annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 15/09/2021 17:17

@AmandaHoldensLips right now l want the bin men to take him away!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 17:19

God, just bin him. Find yourself someone who’ll be a partner not a useless, inconsiderate, loud, lazy, unmotivated, responsibility-shy knob head.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 17:21

And no, of course it doesn’t have to be this hard! Being in a relationship is meant to make life easier, give you someone to share your burdens and stress, not add to them. Sounds utterly exhausting.

What’s he good at? What about being with him makes life better right now? Do you have a habit of taking on useless cases so you can save them? That last part is meant kindly, I was like that when I was younger.

Blueskyrainshowers · 15/09/2021 17:25

[quote EL8888]@AmandaHoldensLips right now l want the bin men to take him away![/quote]
Yes, me too Flowers

Mother87 · 15/09/2021 17:29

It will get much much much worse... and the aggravation will take the shine off any love/warmth & goodwill imo... He sounds utterly thoughtless & disingenuous

RantyAunty · 15/09/2021 17:36

His working from home is a blessing in disguise for you.
Stop the house purchase.
Breaking things, throwing your things out is passive aggressive behaviour.
It doesn't improve.

DressBitch · 15/09/2021 17:37

Had you done something for him to want to "punish" you by throwing your stuff away?

ravenmum · 15/09/2021 17:39

[quote EL8888]@PullMeInToTheScreen it’s not too late to pull out[/quote]
Phew!

Dozer · 15/09/2021 17:40

Pull out of the property purchase. Go away for a bit if this is possible. Think hard about the relationship and his behaviours.

Lanique · 15/09/2021 17:40

He sounds like a man child op. You have been warned.

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 17:43

The fact he didn't even apologise and has doubled down on him being in the right to bin your stuff is unforgivable IMO.

What other examples do you have of him doing something that upsets you and then refusing to apologise / gaslighting you into believing it's your own fault and not his?

Cam001 · 15/09/2021 17:43

Thank god it's not too late to pull out. Pull out now! He won't change, you can't change him.

ravenmum · 15/09/2021 17:44

Is he ever considerate?

PicsInRed · 15/09/2021 17:53

@DressBitch

Had you done something for him to want to "punish" you by throwing your stuff away?
My thoughts exactly.

I'd put money on there being something rotting in his big bag of resentments, it'll be something petty and ridiculous, and you may have barely noticed when it first happened (and it may not even have been any fault of yours - it could even be a success of yours) but he'll be seething about it and this is how punishments are delivered.

QueeniesCroft · 15/09/2021 17:59

Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

I married a man like this, it doesn't get better. The more precious and irreplaceable a thing is to me, the more likely it is to be "accidentally" destroyed. However, every tiny thing he is sentimental about (his sentimentality is a huge tool of control) is absolutely fine.
Even if you have to live in a shed, get rid of this man. Mine has worn me down to a state of depressed hopelessness. Don't be like me.

SeaShoreGalore · 15/09/2021 18:10

Thank goodness it’s not too late to pull out!

Mother87 · 15/09/2021 18:12

@QueeniesCroft

Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

I married a man like this, it doesn't get better. The more precious and irreplaceable a thing is to me, the more likely it is to be "accidentally" destroyed. However, every tiny thing he is sentimental about (his sentimentality is a huge tool of control) is absolutely fine.
Even if you have to live in a shed, get rid of this man. Mine has worn me down to a state of depressed hopelessness. Don't be like me.

This... a thousand times over...