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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously, does it have to be this hard?!

77 replies

EL8888 · 15/09/2021 16:58

In the middle of buying a house with my fiancé and he’s recently started working from from home. He’s driving me insane! The mess, the bellowing down the phone, the lack of organisation with the move, annoying coffee making rituals etc etc. The latest revelation this afternoon, is last night he threw away a box of my documents. He decided they were recycling (they weren’t) and they weren’t in the recycling box. The bin men are long gone. I don’t even know what was in it, some financial documents, my mothers power of attorney? The dining room is where we agreed to gather packing boxes and that’s where it was. Part of me wonders do l want the rest of my life to be like this? The prompting and reminding, sorting out of fuck ups etc. Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 15/09/2021 18:28

It would be a big mistake to marry and move into a house with this man.

He's given you a chance at an escape. He's shown you who he is and what your life together will be like. You're lucky - seize the day and thank your stars.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 19:01

Please for the love of god bin the partner.
Also before someone on MN comes along to say ‘SEN’ there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, he is a twat and the proof of that is his things remaining fine.
Courage OP

layladomino · 15/09/2021 19:56

I beg you to pull out of the house purchase. If there are things that are annoying you now, think how much worse it could get. I fear if you go ahead, you'll be looking back in the future (probably not too far from now) regretting it. Not taking any responsibility for it would bug me as much as the fact he's thrown your stuff away.

sloutside · 15/09/2021 20:11

Pull out of the house sale and dump him.
Nobody "accidentally" bins a whole load of their partner's documents. Any sensible person would leave them to one side to ask what they were before chucking them. Surely a quick flick through would indicate to anyone with half a brain that they were documents of some description and might be needed?
He's either thick as pig shit or he's done it deliberately. Either of these is not good and you're annoyed by a load of other things too.

This is who he is and he is not going to change. You decide whether you want to put up with that for the rest of your life.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/09/2021 20:14

@DressBitch

Had you done something for him to want to "punish" you by throwing your stuff away?

I would put money on this being the case.

Did you perhaps make a reasonable request of him such as "please stop shouting down the phone at people" or "would you please tidy up your shit that you've left lying everywhere"?

Takenoprisoner · 16/09/2021 02:03

You'll look back upon this moment in time and wish you hadn't gone through with the house purchase.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Future you will thank you and love you forever.

Takenoprisoner · 16/09/2021 02:05

Also, he has no respect for you, don't buy the house, dump him. Why on earth would you want to be with him?

Takenoprisoner · 18/09/2021 18:49

How are you getting on op?

TheFoundations · 18/09/2021 21:39

No, it doesn't have to be this hard. But if you choose to stay with him when you know this is what he's like, you are actively choosing this level of hard for yourself. Be responsible. This isn't something that's happening to you, this is something you are opting into.

Opt out.

Gallowayan · 18/09/2021 22:20

Do not get married to him or buy a house together. Planning how you are going to end things and move out would be more appropriate.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/09/2021 22:22

It NEVER gets better only worse. Ditch this fool now.

MatildaIThink · 18/09/2021 22:32

The key to this behaviour is not "scattiness" it is selfishness, his actions only consider himself, not you, that should be a red flag.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 18/09/2021 22:38

@PullMeInToTheScreen

He didn't accidentally 'think' they were recycling. He chose to put your important documents in the recycling. If he had even the tiniest shred of doubt he would have waited and checked with you.

I genuinely could not put up with this for one day more. He sounds like he wants you to be his mum, organising his shit for him when presumably he's a grown adult? Can you pull out of the house purchase?

Straight out of the gate the perfect reply!

He totally did this on purpose. Sounds like he does other stuff that gets on your nerves, bet it's other acts of sabotage and laziness but all covert because he didn't know or wasn't his fault? Is it often your fault instead?

WhoIsPepeSilva · 18/09/2021 22:41

@DressBitch

Had you done something for him to want to "punish" you by throwing your stuff away?

Also this ^ what perceived slight have you done him in the last few weeks that he's punishing you for passive aggressively now?

Sid077 · 18/09/2021 22:51

I was in a ltr with a man like this and I explained away this batshit behaviour to myself as no one would do this on purpose, until one day I was really angry after another discovery that something perfectly useful that I bought and now wanted to use was thrown out for no good reason and without discussion. I told him if anything else of mine was disposed of without my knowledge I would start doing the same with things from his shed every time it happened - it never happened again but the damage was done. I don’t miss this relationship.

Scautish · 18/09/2021 22:59

At no point will the benefits outweigh the negatives in this relationship. Get out when you can - he’s a controlling twat trying to disguise himself as a bit disorganised. But it’s very organised gaslighting.

DameFanny · 18/09/2021 23:36

@Scautish

This. Recycle him now. And any time he tries to change your mind remember he threw away your financial records, your power of attorney, and distract yourself with how you're going to build those records back again.

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 00:06

There is NO way that wasn't deliberate.

You are going to bitterly regret marrying this waster.

This is a moment to be brave because you will profoundly regret buying a house with an utter gobshite like him.

FlowerArranger · 19/09/2021 01:55

The only thing he adds to your life is stress and resentment.

If you go ahead with the house purchase and the marriage, one day you will look back in anger and frustration and say to yourself: "I could have walked away that day and saved myself x number of years of utter shittiness".

Or words to that effect. Don't do it, just don't.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2021 02:13

Don't lie to yourself, he knew exactly what he was throwing away and he doesn't give a fuck. Consider this your final warning shot, a massive red flag being waved right in front of your face.

Get rid of this man.

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 02:20

@billy1966

There is NO way that wasn't deliberate.

You are going to bitterly regret marrying this waster.

This is a moment to be brave because you will profoundly regret buying a house with an utter gobshite like him.

agreed 🌸

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 02:21

More importantly... those Documents ie Power of Attorney for your Mother.. could end up in the wrong hands..

This is Serious ...

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 19/09/2021 02:25

@QueeniesCroft

Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

I married a man like this, it doesn't get better. The more precious and irreplaceable a thing is to me, the more likely it is to be "accidentally" destroyed. However, every tiny thing he is sentimental about (his sentimentality is a huge tool of control) is absolutely fine.
Even if you have to live in a shed, get rid of this man. Mine has worn me down to a state of depressed hopelessness. Don't be like me.

Agreed.

He will not spontaneously improve because he believes you find his behaviour tolerable.

Do not find yourself in a future where you are reflecting back on wasted years and needless complications disentangling from this man.

Mintjulia · 19/09/2021 03:00

Don't buy a house with this man. He's already showing a lack of respect for your possessions.

He should at least see why you are angry. But he doesn't because basically he doesn't give a toot about your wishes. It will only get worse.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/09/2021 03:19

"His things are mysteriously always fine"
And there you have it. Scattiness? My arse!

"he’s already said it’s not his fault and he doesn’t know why lm annoyed."
It's clearly his fault, and him saying it's not makes him sound like a five year old. And clearly you're annoyed because he binned your documents, documents which were important. So when he says he doesn’t know why you're annoyed, what he's actually saying is that in his opinion you have no right to be annoyed.

Mind you, silver linings - you've found out he's an arsehole before buying the house. Do not commit to this man, he does not respect you and life will be a merry-go-round of him binning your stuff and telling you it's not his fault. He's an arsehole.

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