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Original poster

Seriously, does it have to be this hard?!

77 replies

EL8888 · 15/09/2021 16:58

In the middle of buying a house with my fiancé and he’s recently started working from from home. He’s driving me insane! The mess, the bellowing down the phone, the lack of organisation with the move, annoying coffee making rituals etc etc. The latest revelation this afternoon, is last night he threw away a box of my documents. He decided they were recycling (they weren’t) and they weren’t in the recycling box. The bin men are long gone. I don’t even know what was in it, some financial documents, my mothers power of attorney? The dining room is where we agreed to gather packing boxes and that’s where it was. Part of me wonders do l want the rest of my life to be like this? The prompting and reminding, sorting out of fuck ups etc. Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc. His things are mysteriously always fine

OP posts:
Sakurami · 19/09/2021 03:54

Don't move in with this man. And also, make some stuff of his disappear (maybe not chuck it, but don't let him know that) . See what he thinks when the shoe is on the other foot.

If it weren't for binning your stuff, I would still question moving in together and just living apart. But the binning of your stuff seems deliberate and cruel. You don't even know yet what was in there.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/09/2021 04:12

Agree with everyone else on here.

Move in with him, if that's what you want (due to the fallacy of sunk costs and that) but you can't seriously expect him to change or get better because he never admits he's wrong.

groovergirl · 19/09/2021 05:09

Wonder what else was in that box -- your birth certificate, perhaps? I ask because I used to be married to such a man and my birth cert and passport are still missing.

Sorry, OP. He won't change; in fact, he's likely to get worse with age. What more of your belongings will he destroy? You've had a useful early warning. Please do not sink any more of your time and money into this marriage. Can you back out of the house purchase without too big a financial penalty?

Somethingwicked9 · 19/09/2021 05:21

For a while I’d say a good year my stuff kept getting broken as like you my husband stuff was always fine it was my fav plant pot then my fav candle holder all not bug ticket items but he always managed to break something of mine while moving stuff or trying to fit something else , in the end it was a Disney item my mother who has passed away had bought me …. That was it I very rarely raise my voice but I lost it I do admit I spoke to him as if he was a 5 year old child but let’s just say it’s never happened again so I fell your pain

Bogeyes · 19/09/2021 05:25

You already have doubts about this guy. Things will become unbearable. Please move away from this problem guy.

Shoxfordian · 19/09/2021 06:42

Don’t marry this man
Have you moved in yet/can you cancel that as well?

MydogWillow · 19/09/2021 07:36

His wfh has been both a pita and an absolute blessing.

Thank your lucky stars this has been identified before committing to two of the biggest decisions in your life.

His behavior is odd, selfish and disrespectful at best.

Stop the purchase and do not marry this man. Whatever issues he has are not yours to tackle or undo. They will get worse.

Paq · 19/09/2021 07:38

This is not the type of person you can build a successful life with. You will end up mothering him alongside any future children you may have.

Alcemeg · 19/09/2021 13:42

[quote EL8888]@Teacupsandtoast he’s already said it’s not his fault and he doesn’t know why lm annoyed.[/quote]
It's bad enough him treating your stuff with contempt, but treating your (legitimate) feelings the same way will have an even worse impact on your life in the long run.

Think how lovely life is going to be without his bellowing and coffee rituals! And those are just the tip of the iceberg of the crap you'd have to accept as part of your daily life if you buy a home together.

A tent under a flyover would be more fun than this! Good luck!

ineedtostop · 19/09/2021 20:59

I was with such a person. I went to look for some academic documents (knew exactly where they were) to find they were thrown out and replaced in the box by some rusty tools. And by academic docs I mean my Oxford DPhil (PhD) thesis and some very significant prizes and medals. All retrievable by applying to the authorities because they still exist on record, but not the actual mementos. Guess he was jealous. The rusty tools thing was obviously passive aggressive. I only found this out after he died prematurely. I'll never have closure. Leave now before your heart is broken.

QueenBee52 · 20/09/2021 01:08

@ineedtostop

I was with such a person. I went to look for some academic documents (knew exactly where they were) to find they were thrown out and replaced in the box by some rusty tools. And by academic docs I mean my Oxford DPhil (PhD) thesis and some very significant prizes and medals. All retrievable by applying to the authorities because they still exist on record, but not the actual mementos. Guess he was jealous. The rusty tools thing was obviously passive aggressive. I only found this out after he died prematurely. I'll never have closure. Leave now before your heart is broken.

this is a devastating read... Im so sorry 🌸

groovergirl · 20/09/2021 01:32

@ineedtostop This is appalling. A PhD is not easily earned; likewise the medals.

This reminds me of my DM's friend who, having left school at 15 (as people did in those days), plucked up the courage to do a degree later in life. Unfortunately, she'd give her essays to her H to post. He tore them up and chucked them in the bin. Her lecturers would try to phone her, but if hubby picked up he didn't pass on the message. Eventually she found out about his sabotage.

What is it about these jealous, spiteful, sneaky men??

barbedwired · 20/09/2021 07:01

Narcissism

updownroundandround · 20/09/2021 07:15

@EL8888

To answer your initial question, No, it's NOT supposed to be this hard.

''The mess, the bellowing down the phone, the lack of organisation with the move, annoying coffee making rituals''

  1. The mess. He actually does think it's your job to clean up after him Hmm
  1. He really doesn't give a shiny shit if his bellowing bothers either you or the neighbours Hmm
  2. His 'rituals' must be accommodated by you (But you will never be given the same consideration !)

''The latest revelation this afternoon, is last night he threw away a box of my documents. He decided they were recycling (they weren’t) and they weren’t in the recycling box.''

  1. You chose the right word when you said ''he decided'', i.e He knew damn well that your 'documents' were yours (and yet he gets to decide what he does with them !!Hmm).
  2. He also chose to not ask you if your documents were important to you Hmm
  3. He really does think that only his 'opinions' and 'thoughts' matter, to say nothing about his 'possessions'.
  4. Ask yourself this.......what would his reaction be to you throwing away his things ???? Hmm

'' Part of me wonders do l want the rest of my life to be like this?''

Nope, you really, really don't want the rest of your life to be like this Sad
But if you stay with him, then it will be. Sad

''The prompting and reminding, sorting out of fuck ups etc. Please note these is part of a wider pattern of scattiness, losing things, breaking things etc.''

This, forever.................

''His things are mysteriously always fine'' and that's because he cares about his stuff. (But he won't ever care about you or your stuff)

If it's not too late to pull out of the house move, then I'm with all the PP's who advise you to pull out !

BhortaBhorta · 20/09/2021 07:27

Inconsiderate and never his fault. That’ll get worse and more tiresome. Look carefully at his parents’ dynamic….is that what you want?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/09/2021 07:37

Honestly, it's a hard decision to pull out of the purchase and "postpone" but you should.
You may feel its an overreaction to some paper in a box and well... it was just a silly mistake.

It isn't, its part of something fundamentally bigger.

It's going to be easier to live with the decision to pull out over the next 5 years vs the decision to financially shackle yourself to this irritant of a man

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2021 07:41

Does he have additional needs? Because if he doesn’t he knows what he was doing and he deliberately binned your stuff as it was annoying him.

My husband did this when we first moved in together, if I left something out he binned it. So I told him every single time he did it, I would ruin something of his. I then got his most expensive cashmere jumper and cut it up in front of him. Much to his total shock.

Thirty years later and he still wouldn’t dream of touching my stuff.

ravenmum · 20/09/2021 09:12

@Bluntness100 you are my hero 😂

But OP, is there anything about your guy that suggests this is just a crappy habit that is worth beating out of him?

theresastormcoming · 20/09/2021 20:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DrSbaitso · 20/09/2021 22:43

He will not get better with age.

chaosrabbitland · 20/09/2021 22:59

sounds to me like at least some of the problem is hes working from home now ,so is there all the time , was it easier and better when he wasnt ? if it was and now he intends to carry on wfh than you need to think seriously if you can bear him being there all the time and you having to put up with this

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2021 23:01

@chaosrabbitland

sounds to me like at least some of the problem is hes working from home now ,so is there all the time , was it easier and better when he wasnt ? if it was and now he intends to carry on wfh than you need to think seriously if you can bear him being there all the time and you having to put up with this
No no working from home has just shown the op who he is. It’s not a minor irrelevant side of his personality.
Anordinarymum · 20/09/2021 23:07

I know someone like this. He treats other people's things with contempt, throwing things away or trashing them. It's a lack of respect for another's belongings /personal space/time.
I would think very hard about committing to a person who appears not to even care

twelvefiftynine · 21/09/2021 03:58

Holy shit he threw out a box of your stuff? Who does that!!

I would end it, he sounds like a nasty twat. And I'd take a leaf out of Bluntness' book and chuck some of his shit out.

Weatherwax13 · 21/09/2021 04:20

The loss of important documents is going to be a complete pain for you as you work out what's gone, the consequences and how to bloody replace them.
But when you're through all that, you'll see it as the biggest favour he could've done for you.
Because he gave you the clearest, technicolour picture of what kind of person he is and why you shouldn't live with him. And it happened before it was too late.