How do I make it clear that I’m not interested in this person

[Ceriane]

There is this guy who I met several years ago while taking in part in an event to do with a hobby I have been involved with since my teenage years, we got talking and became friends, well to be honest it was more acquaintances, I got a sense that he fancied me but I was in a relationship at the time.

A few years ago, he got back in contact and started turning up at every event, and after the events I always go out for drinks with a group of people, so to be polite told him he was welcome to come along. This was all okay but then he started coming to every single one, and following me around, never leaving my side, when I’m socialising afterwards and coming out for drinks every single time.

To me and the other people involved in this hobby he is a “friend” from when we did the event we were all in years ago. When I say friend, what I really mean is a polite way of saying “you’re a nice guy, but I’m just not into you”. I have had a couple of events I wasn’t able to go to due to an ongoing condition, when I’m not there he sends get well cards, it’s a ongoing condition that flares up at times, not one off illnesses, if people were to send me get well cards for this I’d have them all the time so not really appropriate and although he is trying to be nice, I wish he wouldn’t as it’s like he’s trying too hard and trying to make me feel obligated, or maybe I’m reading too much into this.

He messaged me a few times to ask me to go out with him one on one, I wasn’t sure whether to assume this was a date kind of thing or just as friends, I didn’t want to assume he likes me in that way when I could have it all wrong. I assumed this to be a date and I know I’m not interested in him in that way, so I made an excuse, he asked a few times, but I said I was busy or made an excuse thinking he’ll take the hint and move on, realise I don’t feel that way and find someone who does. He didn’t seem to be taking the hint, left it open as “well let me know when is best for you.” again I tried to give him the brush off, politely.

I went on holiday for two weeks and I never check my social media on holiday, that’s just one of my things, I take a break not just from work but from social media as well, friends and family members can ring or text my mobile if it’s urgent. I came home to several messages, he’d asked me out again, and this was followed by several messages such as “is everything okay? I’m concerned you haven’t replied to my message. Is everything okay health wise? Have I said something wrong” again I said I’d been away and in the end, stopped responding to his messages. I felt bad about ghosting him but he didn’t seem to be taking the hint.

He stopped asking me, but continued to turn up at the events. I don’t put much on Facebook but when I do, he pops up under every photo, normally ones I’ve been tagged into by someone else and says “let me know when your next event is” he finds out anyway off the website, we advertise our events to the public.

He creeps around friends and family members who are also involved in these events, as though he thinks if he’s in with them, he is automatically in with me and there seemed to be an increasing desperation about it, which is off putting. Other people had gone from saying “awww he’s so sweet, he’s such a nice guy” to realising this is getting to be unwanted attention. The group leader even came over and asked if he was bothering me, don’t think he realised I knew him. By this time he must know I don’t feel that way about him, but he was continuing to pursue me, that’s if that’s what this is, he’s never come right out and said he has feelings for me or anything like that or hinted that he likes me as more than a friend or even asked me if I’m seeing anyone. It would be easier to let him know I’m not interested if he did, as I don’t want to jump the gun and assume anything.He doesn’t know anything about my relationship status or history or if I’m even straight, but I’m getting a sense of “I’m a nice guy, I’ve done all the right things, you should feel obligated, how dare you not want me” sense of entitlement and I don’t like it, again that could be me reading too much into it.

Anyway I didn’t hear from him for a couple of years and just thought he’d taken the hint and was in the past, then in lockdown we did chat on social media once or twice, didn’t think anything of it, just that people are lonely in lockdown and it makes people want to connect or reconnect, I spoke to several friends I hadn’t seen for a long time in lockdown so didn’t see this as any different.

Then towards the end of lockdown, I don’t put anything on Facebook but every now and again I’d get a random like from him from photos unrelated to anything from several years ago and it freaked me out. Again he started asking to meet up and I thought “where is the harm in meeting up just as friends” so I did. I know full well I’m not attracted to him.

He now keeps asking about events again and I have a feeling he is going to start turning up at every one, he has messaged to say when would I like to meet up next, I just said “oh I’m really busy over the next few months, catching up with people after lockdown and all that” he said “okay” but I’ve received another email recently to say “don’t forget to let me know when you are free to meet up” again I said about how busy I am. He has come back with “well if you do get some free time let me know”. I don’t want to be mean, but I can’t seem to fizzle this person out, people have said “ah, but he’s a friend, he’s lonely, where’s the harm meeting up as long as he knows where the boundaries are” but why just because I’m single does that mean I have to keep spending time with someone I’m not interested in, why should the only acceptable excuse be I’m in a relationship. If I’m single that means I’m free to do whatever I like not obligated to spend all my time with some bloke just because he’s lonely and he likes me!!!

This is a small problem but it’s really beginning to stress me out.

Do you want to be friend with him or not?

It's actually hard to tell. I'm not sure what level of interaction you'd be comfortable with.

Have you decided what you actually want?

it's very telling that you have told everyone else how uncomfortable this makes you feel ... but you have not told Him 😳

So tell him 🌸

Oh. The Friend.

They basically follow you around and pretend to be friendly. Women feel that we can't spurn friendly overtures so it carries on, until you end up on some sort of unwitting date with them.

If you, at any point, say you feel uncomfortable or don't want a relationship, then you are told you are just a stuck up cunt who thinks everyone fancies you and that he only sees you as a friend, and not as a romantic interest. He was only being nice.

If you carry on and say nothing, then when he moves in to kiss you or assumes you'll shag him that night, and subsequently rebuff him, then you are a cock-teasing cunt who led him on and he never would have invested all his time or nice guy efforts on you if he knew. Bitch.

So, either outcome as far as The Friend is concerned, is either a relationship with you, or you'll be a bitch /cunt either way.

The last guy who tried this with me, I knew he'd think I was a bitch anyway and you know, it made my decision to tell him that I wasn't interested and to leave me alone much easier. The sky didn't fall in. And I felt rather proud of myself for being assertive.

If you are going to be called a bitch anyway you might as well make sure you earn it, right?

Sounds disturbing.
Have you ever tried being snappy with someone before, rather than polite? I didn't use to be up for it either, but when you do try it, it's really useful.

I'd stop worrying about assuming the wrong thing, hes been pretty relentless. Next time he asks you out, you could say 'I assume you mean as a date, John? I'm afraid I simply don't see you in that light so will have to say thanks but no thanks'. If he then tries to bluff and pretend he just means as friends, you can say 'thanks anyway but I've got a lot on for the foreseeable so no thanks'. I know its easily said but I think if you want to keep going to your hobby events without him bothering you or showing 'concern' if you stop replying then you will need to address this head on.

@Honeymare

Hi OP,

I sympathise. I found myself in various versions of these situations when I was younger.

People here are really mean. They are being mean to you and they are advocating being really mean to this man who presumably is not reading this situation correctly. He is a person at the end of the day. He thinks you're friends and someday more.

But you need to take this in hand right now. Delete him from your social media and do not answer messages from him. This will either make things clear or it will push the current situation into a clear conversation.

If he turns up at an event and confronts you asking why you deleted him simply say "oh don't take it personally. I'm culling my social media networks to good friends and not keeping hobby acquaintances on anymore. I just find it all too distracting" or if he asks why you're not answering his messages say "sorry about that, I'm finding myself increasingly distracted with hobbies and outside of events want to focus on my own life and my own circles." Again he may not get the hint and will push in which case you can say "I'm sorry there seems to be a misunderstanding but I don't want a 1:1 friendship with you or to date you."

Yes it is not nice to hurt someone's feelings but you need to manage your own anxiety levels and feeling in control of your own life. He is not entitled to attention from you because he wants it.

It's not mean to tell someone who has been inadvertently giving mixed messages that that is what they are doing. The OP clearly hasn't seen that and will continue to do so if it isn't pointed out to her.

She is in this situation precisely because she hasn't been clear or direct for some years now advising her to continue this by giving (what you appear to recognise are) 'woolly' respomses (given all your follow up suggested responses) is just going to perpetuate it. She's been telling him she's busy, you're advocating she carries on doing the same.

And she doesn't need do say "I'm sorry" at any point. No one is suggesting she says, "Fucking hel, can't you take a hint? I'm not interested and wouldn't be if you were the last man on earth you weirdo!" in a crowded room. They're telling her to me clear and say, "No thank you, I don't want to." Which is fine akd will get the message across without further confusion.

And your advice coming from a place of finding yourself in various versions of this situation yourself doesn't exactly suggest your approach works. I've never foundyself in this situation because I'm clear and direct and don't give out messages of false hope.

I tend to make it obvious I'm a closed book with people like this. I give absolutely nothing to them socially. Bit like the man who tried to strike up a conversation with me at the bus stop today about his ridiculous it is everyone wears masks..... While I'm sat next to him wearing a mask... He just got blanked and started trying to lure another lady into his drivel instead.

You posted about this guy fairly recently. In fact the post was almost exactly the same.

@Fireplace12

You posted about this guy fairly recently. In fact the post was almost exactly the same.

Does that matter?

It might matter if exactly the same advice was given and not taken.

Well I imagine all sorts of advice is given and ignored on here. If people feel they've read it before and already commented, they can just ignore it.

Maybe a second thread of the same from different posters will mean the OP acts this time.

Thank You for your responses. Can I just say I didn’t initiate contact after ghosting him, he made contact with me and I responded because I stupidly felt bad about ghosting him and it was just polite conversation. I know I have been my own worst enemy, because I wasn’t straight with him in the first instance ie when he first asked me out I should have said “do you mean as a date, sorry I don’t feel that way about you” and assumed he would get the message if I made excuses, said I was busy and eventually ignored. I just find it so hard to say no to people, and I need get better at it, that is my own lack of confidence, I read social cues just fine, I just lack confidence in asserting my boundaries and that is how I’ve ended up in this situation. I don’t want his attention, I just want him to get the message and move on.

@Drinkingallthewine you have hit the nail right on the head with this situation.

I’m sick of feeling like such a weak person and I know I need to work on myself that way. It doesn’t help that I’m not backed by certain female friends and family members who are very much “awww, he’s sweet, he’s a nice guy, just meet up with him, nobody is asking you to jump into bed with him” that really angers me because just that doesn’t mean I have to spend time with him, when I can spend time with friends/family/my flipping dog and then maybe someone I DO want romantically/sexually. I know I need to be strong within myself but I don’t feel I have the backing from other people around me who think I’m being mean. The men in the group however can see the situation for what it is, a pathway to making me feel obligated to be his girlfriend and I don’t want to be!!! To me it’s beginning to feel like grooming. Ugh!!!

@Fireplace12 I haven’t posted about this before.

Drinkingallthewine has it spot on. Brilliant post, I wish someone had put it in those terms for me 20 years ago.

I realise he has taken my excuses at face value, but the asking for proof was the major red flag.

When you tell him no do NOT apologise. It requires no apology. That framesmit as you having done something wrong or unacceptable by turning him down. No thank you, I don't want to or similar is enough.

I know I need to be strong within myself but I don’t feel I have the backing from other people around me who think I’m being mean

Strong people don't need their friends to be backing them up. Sometimes you need to be strong to make your friends understand. You need to tell them straight, and you need to tell him straight, that you don't want his attentions any more.

Stop relying on other people to be your backbone, and blaming their lack of support on your weakness. Take responsibility for yourself.

Hi OP I struggle with boundaries as well so I sympathise. Can I just ask to be clear - when you got back I touch after a few years of non contact - did you actually want a friendship with him of any kind?

OP I also totally get what you mean when you say feels like grooming.

I’ve read a lot of posts on this thread but I clearly missed the one about proof/photos!!

The difficulty with giving mixed messages before is that he will try to use it at leverage..."but we have been friends for years, but we have met before" etc. I think the trick is to block on everything and in person be blunt..."I am here to do hobby, not chat with you", then if he talks to you again just say "no thanks", be a broken record. A few events and he should feel embarrassed to approach you.

You need to be clear. I had a similar situation where a bloke liked me, and all my female friends kept saying it was cute, to give him a chance. Instead of shrugging it off, I told people that whilst it might seem sweet & harmless, he was making me feel uncomfortable. It changed how they were with him, and definitely helped him get the hint.

You say after the 2 years of no contact “where is the harm in us meeting up as friends” but did you actually want to.? I’m asking this do I can better assess the situation

For the record though a lot of this sounds creepy - notably trying to wheedle his way in with your social circle (can’t remember whether you said family /friends) at the ‘event’ just YUCK! And people as saying “Aww how sweet?” - one interpretation of this is that it’s as manipulative as fuck!!

It's the stuff of romcoms isn't it?

Girl really, really isn't interested, boy persists, girl finally relents and falls in love.

Utterly toxic!

I was too nice to a male friend like this who said I tried to lead him on when I didn’t want a relationship. I agree with the poster above who used the expression ‘use as leverage’

There's no such thing as a male friend.

Tell him you think he's ugly and gross. He'll get the message.

But really, the next time he contacts you tell him you're not interested in him and to leave you alone.
Then block him.