Dating a man with less money

[Fireworksandsparks]

I know some probably won’t like/agree with this post but…
What are people’s thoughts on this? I own my own property, have savings and enough for a good night out once or twice a month. I’m far from rich but have enough and feel relatively secure. I also have a teenage dd at home.
I’ve met someone who despite having had a well paid career until recently lives in a sparsely decorated , dated 1 bed flat with a mortgage. On our first proper dinner date, he made a comment about not doing this too often ( it had just been a few pub lunches before), but he did pay. I’d paid the previous time. I’m slightly confused about why things are like this , unless he’s just very tight. He has no children and we’re both late 40’s.
He rarely has much of an idea about where to go, or suggests something and then doesn’t mention it again.
Despite this, there is a big connection between us but I’m not sure if this is really for the long term.
Any thoughts?

I'm not sure why anything you have said would prevent anyone from dating someone.

I mean, if you don't like him, don't date him, but presumably in most relationships one person will tend to have either greater assets or prospects or income than the other.

@Kite22 yes, there’s nothing glaringly awful. Just all seems very strange that he has do little. Plus the dinner comment, suggesting places he wants to “take me” and says he wants to make a good impression, then they don’t happen, etc

You say he had a well paid job until recently. Is he between jobs or what?

@Justmuddlingalong - he’s working but doing something different that pays less. He fancied a change.

It would put me off, you want to live your life how your used to if your dating someone with less money it would soon get tiresome and boring to either not do much together or you paying for him, the dating stage should be fun. He sounds flaky suggesting places and not following through and if he's like it with his career too it just sounds like he doesn't have much direction in his life.

Well he can't fancy a change on your income...

Put your extra cash into your pension and your kid's future.

Next!

It's an unpopular opinion (or at least on that few people admit to), but I need a partner to earn roughly what I do. I don't want to feel paid for, or like I am paying for someone else to have the lifestyle I want.

Money = power in relationships, its very difficult to avoid that

He sounds like he lives quite frugally. His choice, but I wouldn't be subsidising him or not doing things because he didn't want to spend money.

@seensome yes thank you might be right! If there weren’t this big spark,it’d be much easier!!

I dated someone like this, but it turned out pretty much all his money was going to exW even though she had thrown him out. TBF they had teenage DC, but it was crazy as he said he wanted future champagne and spa dates, but when we went out for regular light meals he kept saying his card wasn't working. He admitted the issue after a few weeks, and that he wasn't divorced. The paying for him and his lying made me walk straight away.

I think money differences are a real potential issue. They are one of the most common sources of relationship strain and a big difference in finances can affect things into a few ways. First it can be a sign that approaches to money can be totally different Eg if one of you is a saver, the other mismanaging/getting in debt unnecessarily....which is a strain.

Second, it causes real constraint and frustration Eg on what holidays/dates to go on that match both your abilities. Big a big deal if it's true love.... but can definitely niggle.

I think it can also open up the worry that one person is dependent /not pulling their weight- or worse actually motivated to be in the relationship for the money....

I think there is another layer of complexity when the woman has more..... because it undermines many gender stereotypes, which can be very unsettling for some men and women. (E.g man struggling with self esteem and getting angry if he is not the primary earner).

All that said, I am in my happiest relationship of my life with a man who has far less money than me..... he is incredible and is perfect for me. I don't care what he earns, and am past the age of having children with him etc so that's not an issue. Even so, money is by far the trickiest issue for us to manage emotionally and I am very careful about all the dynamics so it hopefully won't trip us up.

@Justmuddlingalong yes, definitely frugally! I’d say it’s been roughly 50/50 paying so far but it grates a bit that he says about “taking” me to places and then almost sounds surprised if I mention it 🤷‍♀️I’m not expecting to be paid for all the time at all. Though most men I’ve met have offered/insisted to start with, then start splitting things.

That may not even be a money issue... maybe he is just a bit of a flake?

Both my husband’s have earned far less than me. My current one (I plan to keep him) and I are both retired. My pension is 2.5 times greater than his. In the early days of our relationship, I do remember thinking that it would be nice to be with a bloke with at least the same sort of income, but, he’s lovely, generous and would spend his last penny on me. Your boyfriend though OP sounds like he might bring you down with his caution about doing nice things, combined with the mystery of where all his previous earnings have gone.

If he goes to yours does he bring food to add into the meal or a bottle of wine?

I have no issues paying my own way, but I wouldn't be subsidising him so I could go out and do stuff. It's already grating on you, so unfortunately, despite the spark, it sounds like the ick is setting in.

@AnnieSnap pleased things have worked for you 😊 it is a complete mystery that he lives as he does, though I know he’s not that interested in possessions. It’s more of a mystery as he has no children 🤔

Did you know him when he had the better paid job? Are you sure he's being honest?

Personally I couldn't respect a man that had had a good career/money and then had nothing to show for it.
His sparsely decorated flat too would be a turn-off too.
He sounds like a waster.

@Enough4me we’ve not done that yet so I don’t know…

@Justmuddlingalong yes I did know him then & know he did have the better job.

Do you actually know how much money he has? If he has been earning well and living frugally he may have a ton stashed away somewhere! You could either be dating a stingy millionaire or a bereft gambler or anything in between....?

@Notmoresugar hmm you might be right 😞

@BraveGoldie I’ve no idea. I’m guessing he has some savings as could afford to give up his career

Hmm. I just wondered if he was being a bit untruthful, but if you knew him then, I guess that's just how he is. The dangling nice dates and then not following through with them would really piss me off too.