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Original poster

Dating a man with less money

80 replies

Fireworksandsparks · 13/09/2021 23:11

I know some probably won’t like/agree with this post but…
What are people’s thoughts on this? I own my own property, have savings and enough for a good night out once or twice a month. I’m far from rich but have enough and feel relatively secure. I also have a teenage dd at home.
I’ve met someone who despite having had a well paid career until recently lives in a sparsely decorated , dated 1 bed flat with a mortgage. On our first proper dinner date, he made a comment about not doing this too often ( it had just been a few pub lunches before), but he did pay. I’d paid the previous time. I’m slightly confused about why things are like this , unless he’s just very tight. He has no children and we’re both late 40’s.
He rarely has much of an idea about where to go, or suggests something and then doesn’t mention it again.
Despite this, there is a big connection between us but I’m not sure if this is really for the long term.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
viques · 14/09/2021 09:19

It sounds like an early relationship. If you say there is a spark then enjoy it for what it is, just don’t feed the spark with kindling until is an out of control bonfire! Do stuff that you are both happy doing and see how things develop, no one is asking you to go all changing rooms on his flat for example.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 14/09/2021 09:29

Did you meet him online? Seems a bit off to put yourself out there as open to dating but don't want to do dinner too often when you meet someone you have a spark with! Dating is expensive and if he can't afford it he needs to save up or communicate what he can afford. My guess would be gambling addict. The story about ex wife taking all his money sounds like complete bullshit

Icepinkeskimo · 14/09/2021 09:32

I believe the majority of us have been down this road. Meet a man we like and then a couple of things don't quite 'add up'.
OP do you feel you could broach the financial situation/history in a subtle way? It's so difficult especially when there is a 'spark' however saying that you have to proceed with caution, until you have the bigger picture in front of you.

baileys6904 · 14/09/2021 09:41

Thank god my DP isn't on mumsnet!!!

He earns far more than me, and I am on a fairly low salary even compared to most. He on the other hand earns 6 figures, has a great lifestyle, savings, investments all that jazz.

However, I used to actually be senior to him, and earn far more. However a number if years ago, before we got together, I had a child, couldn't maintain the same energy or commitment, was making myself ill trying to do both, and decided to leave the rat race and do something that felt good. I now work for a local charity, grass roots level, earning crap money but doing good in people's lives.

Thankfully, he understands and supports me every step of the way. He pays the majority of things however we are a team. I tend to pick up more of the family admin as logistically have more time but as we come up to our 10 year anniversary I'm happy to say I absolutely still adore him, as does he with me. It works.

Also we only got together in his 40s so he had a lot more to 'lose'.

My advice would be, look at the person, not the finances.

Aggy35 · 14/09/2021 10:05

On my first date with my now fiance ,before getting to his car he commented how expensive the parking was.In a tone which made me think j should even offer to pay for it.We had great connection and now years later I know he simply hates to pay for stuff that he has nothing to show for etc.He is actually very generous.When you start dating someone everything leaves an impression just give the person benefit of the doubt if you connect well

littleloopylou · 14/09/2021 10:09

It could be fine to date someone with a different income.

It sounds like there are other issues around this man that make him unsuitable.

Naunet · 14/09/2021 10:11

If you’re not in it for the long haul, does it matter? As for him mentioning places he wants to take you, just tell him to stop and if he asks why you can explain that he does it a lot without following through.

Hulmeert · 14/09/2021 10:13

I'd imagine the advice would be very different if it was a man worrying about dating a woman with less money...

readingismycardio · 14/09/2021 10:19

No. I wasted 3 years of my life like this. At some point I was even paying for holidays. I posted on MN about it (years ago) and was flamed that I'm selfish and materialistic. I never wanted a man to support or subsidise me, but I want him to be able to support himself, have dreams, aspirations, desire to travel and go out, nothing extravagant.

CustardCreamm · 14/09/2021 10:23

@seensome

It would put me off, you want to live your life how your used to if your dating someone with less money it would soon get tiresome and boring to either not do much together or you paying for him, the dating stage should be fun. He sounds flaky suggesting places and not following through and if he's like it with his career too it just sounds like he doesn't have much direction in his life.

I agree with this.

Lena007 · 14/09/2021 10:27

No problem with dating someone with less money/ being on lower salary unless your lifestyles and expectations are completely different and incompatible.

However, I would have a problem with dating someone who doesn't follow on what they have promised.

If a man says he is going to take me somewhere, I would expect this to be a treat and him to pay for it. Other than that I'm happy to go 50/50 on everything. He shouldn't offer that unless he can afford it. If he wanted to go somewhere with you and go halves he absolutely should have said that he has seen a nice place and asked if you want to go with him and share the cost. Saying that he is taking you somewhere is implying that it is going to be a treat and you aren't expected to pay.

Being honest is important and he is not.

Does he know you earn more?

I hate when people take an advantage of it so I personally avoid disclosing salary/ savings etc early. But always open about the type of lifestyle I have and I want.

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 10:45

@Lena007 thanks.he doesn’t know what I earn( it’s not that much anyway) but has probably worked out I have plenty of assets.
Like you if someone says “taking me” I think the assumption is they’ll pay especially when they say they want to make a good impression, etc, etc. However I would still offer my half . If it was somewhere totally out of my price range, I’d say so.

OP posts:
ShingleBeach · 14/09/2021 10:48

He was married many years ago and she took most of their money

Sez he.

A short marriage, no kids, how did she take ‘most’ of ‘his’ money?

But it may have made him terminally cynical and suspicious of women and money.

Has he lived alone since then?

Fightingback16 · 14/09/2021 11:07

Umm it’s just money. It wouldn’t mean anything to me but then that’s because I have different needs to you as a human. Im not looking for money but connection and trust. If you get to know him and he has a secret gambling addiction then that’s when I would say sorry bye but how you going to know that if you don’t try. I wouldn’t look down on someone who doesn’t have lots of things because I would want to get to know who they are and if I could live with what I learn about the person and if they add something to my life. There are endless reasons why he doesn’t have things. Perhaps he is thinking the opposite thoughts to you and looking at people with lots of things saying why do they need all those, whats wrong with them! Different strokes.

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 11:15

@ShingleBeach he agreed to her having most of it, he said. Yes, lived alone since though has been in relationships

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 14/09/2021 13:09

He's either lying about giving his ex voluntarily, or he gave it to her voluntarily knowing it would compromise his standard of living or he doesn't want to pay for and enjoy nice things with you. None of those are attractive options

SarahBellam · 14/09/2021 13:13

It wouldn’t bother me for a moment if he earned less than me and it wouldn’t bother me picking up the tab more often than him. It would bother me if he didn’t want to contribute or that he was mean with money. My DP earns double what I earn and he’ll tend to pick up the tab more when we’re out (about 70%) of the time, but I’ll buy food and cook more - thoughtful dishes, and meals I know he likes and he appreciates this.

SortingItOut · 14/09/2021 13:25

Be wary of the 'gave everything to the ex'.
There was a recent poster who's boyfriend said similar abd had various excuses about why he had no money.
Turns out he didn't let the ex have everything as he was so generous, the house was owned by her parents do when they split he had to leave.

He wasted his money on eating out all the time, just general treating himself.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/09/2021 13:26

I think this is a “making suggestions he then doesn’t follow through with” problem rather than a finances one. I’d have no problem with dating somebody who earned less than me, within reason; I’d have a problem dating somebody who didn’t put in an equal share of the “thought work” in finding places we could go and things we could do that didn’t have to cost a lot of money.

From a financial perspective, I can’t see what’s to be scorned. Most people own their home with a mortgage. Many people are content to trade living in a smaller home for having a less stressful job or better work-life balance or doing something they love. Many people get to their mid-late forties, survey their life, and realise they hate their day job despite the good income and want to retrain to do something they love instead whilst they still can. He seems happy to split bills for things equally albeit has indicated he can’t do expensive stuff all the time. There are relatively few couples where each partner earns the same salary, somebody is usually the higher earner. When women post about how they’re on a low income but dating a man on a much higher one they’re generally told that they should be open with him about their financial situation and a good man will be happy to either “treat” her most of the time or to go on free / cheap dates. I can’t see why that should be different in reverse.

SortingItOut · 14/09/2021 13:47

Making suggestions and not following them through is future faking.

Its not helpful at all in a relationship but keeps you there because you have high hopes for the future.

Whether its a money issue or he cant be bothered we won't know but its something to think about.

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 17:08

Thank you for all your comments so far - really appreciate it 💐
If the attraction wasn’t so great I’d just call it a day but it’s hard to let go of at the moment. It’s very very early days at the moment though

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/09/2021 17:10

Fwb might be the way forward with this one.

gannett · 14/09/2021 17:34

@Notmoresugar

Personally I couldn't respect a man that had had a good career/money and then had nothing to show for it. His sparsely decorated flat too would be a turn-off too. He sounds like a waster.
What an awful post.

Maybe he prefers to live frugally. Maybe material things don't matter to him. Maybe a toxic consumerist lifestyle isn't for him. Maybe he's not into interior design.

If you've ever been poor, like properly poor, you never really let go of the idea that you have to save your pennies.

I can't respect people like YOU.

Viddy2021 · 14/09/2021 18:36

@ShingleBeach

He was married many years ago and she took most of their money

Sez he.

A short marriage, no kids, how did she take ‘most’ of ‘his’ money?

But it may have made him terminally cynical and suspicious of women and money.

Has he lived alone since then?

This.
TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 19:34

there is a big connection between us but I’m not sure if this is really for the long term

If he was right for you as a long term partner, you would have all these unasked questions about the basis of his life.

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