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Original poster

Dating a man with less money

80 replies

Fireworksandsparks · 13/09/2021 23:11

I know some probably won’t like/agree with this post but…
What are people’s thoughts on this? I own my own property, have savings and enough for a good night out once or twice a month. I’m far from rich but have enough and feel relatively secure. I also have a teenage dd at home.
I’ve met someone who despite having had a well paid career until recently lives in a sparsely decorated , dated 1 bed flat with a mortgage. On our first proper dinner date, he made a comment about not doing this too often ( it had just been a few pub lunches before), but he did pay. I’d paid the previous time. I’m slightly confused about why things are like this , unless he’s just very tight. He has no children and we’re both late 40’s.
He rarely has much of an idea about where to go, or suggests something and then doesn’t mention it again.
Despite this, there is a big connection between us but I’m not sure if this is really for the long term.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BasicDad · 14/09/2021 00:00

I don't think it's necessary to be equals, but vast disparity is problematic with a new partner.

When I started dating some time ago, I was eventually faced with the reality that I would need to settle with someone with a high income. Dating low to middle income partners meant that I was going to either compromise on my future lifestyle, or be the provider, which felt imbalanced.

I met my future high earner partner, and I still splash out more, but it's nicely balanced with no compromises, which is fab.

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 00:01

OP, if you don't want to eat at yours you could suggest a walk and picnic, you'll bring sandwiches and fruit, and ask him to surprise you with pudding and drinks. Pack of rich tea and cans of pop or similar and I would say he is tight.

However, I think he may of given you the ick through his scrooge habitat, in which case it's probably better to end it now.

IceLace100 · 14/09/2021 00:07

2 options IMO-

1 he has money in savings, but doesn't value material possessions. I think if you look at it in the sense that he is not materialistic and he is minimalist, it's actually a pretty attractive quality. Flip side is he could come across as tight- not fun.

OR

2 he actually has no money. This could be because of a number of things he hasn't told you. Maybe he tried to start a business and it failed. Maybe he has paid for care for a family member. However, it could be because he has gambled it away or had a drink or drugs problem.

I guess you're not going to know until you know him better. Or you could ask outright. That's bold though.

Kite22 · 14/09/2021 00:19

His sparsely decorated flat too would be a turn-off too.
He sounds like a waster.

Or maybe a person who doesn't put value on material things ?
Or a person who isn't particularly interested in cushions or throws ?
Maybe a bit of a minimalist ?
Hmm

Holidaytan · 14/09/2021 00:27

When I met my DH his flat wasn’t very nice - very old, stained carpets, bathroom ancient with bath panel missing, very old fashioned crockery, ancient yellowing paintwork……. However, he always followed through with everything he said he/we would do.

He also fixed the flat up since I moved in and it’s lovely now.
Just sold it to move to our own house.

Before me, he was single and his focus was on work and enjoying his time outside the home (didn’t have visitors), so his flat was a bit neglected.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/09/2021 00:29

There are two different issues:

  1. his financial position

  2. the weird saying he is going to ‘take’ you somewhere and then not.

OP, you do sound like you expect the man to pay. If someone said to me they were going to take me somewhere, I would be ready to pay half. If you want to go on these suggested outings can’t you just say ‘that sounds great, let’s split the cost’? If you don’t want to go then there is no problem.

mobear · 14/09/2021 00:31

He might just be tight? DP earns six figures and was living in a cheap flat share when we got together.

NiceGerbil · 14/09/2021 02:11

I usually have gone out with blokes with less money that's fine or has been for me.

I don't like the not eating out so often/ you paid last time.

Has he suggested anything instead? He'll cook for you? What does he want to do instead?

NiceGerbil · 14/09/2021 02:14

The flat thing is strange given no children/ ex and he's 40s and made good money. Paying mortgage is automatic monthly no brainer surely.

My assumption is he's got outgoings not told you about which may be not good. Or has divorce fairly recently in background or similar

NiceGerbil · 14/09/2021 02:16

Situation is iffy for a bloke that age with recent well paid job and I don't like the meal thing

Susannahmoody · 14/09/2021 02:20

Something's amiss here

faithfulbird20 · 14/09/2021 02:43

If you're having fun why does it matter? He's not living off you is he?

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 07:29

@PersonaNonGarter the meal thing grates on me a bit - never in all the dates I’ve been on has anyone said that! First lunch - he paid ( I did offer a few times though & bought a round of drinks), said I’d pay if we went out again. Next time, several weeks later, it got to the end of the meal and he asked how I wanted to split the bill - I paid. The next time was the dinner comment

OP posts:
JustAnother0ldMan · 14/09/2021 07:33

I’ve usually out earned my partners, which is fine normally, as other say can restrict things like holidays if you want to go 50/50,
But as long as you’re not subsiding him why is a problem (for now)

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 08:14

@NiceGerbil yes I agree. He was married many years ago and she took most of their money. But t by a was 25 years ago and they had no children. So plenty of time to get back on track,
The meal comment is really annoying and kind of puts me off going out to eat with him again - I’ll just be thinking he’s resentful of spending money.

OP posts:
passionfruitpizza · 14/09/2021 08:18

I would have said no problem but I've ended up supporting a partner so he could retrain/find a new career. We both ended up hating the arrangement and did breakUp eventually.

AhNowTed · 14/09/2021 08:28

Forget about the him "taking you". You're both grown adults, you don't need to "taken" anywhere.

Just suggest and meal out and throw down your half without question or waiting, or "offering".

If he's still reluctant after that, he might be too frugal for you.

naesake · 14/09/2021 08:33

It's a no from me

userxx · 14/09/2021 08:34

It would put me off to be honest, find someone else who is more equal to you or resentment could build.

Original poster
Fireworksandsparks · 14/09/2021 08:35

@AhNowTed yes, I actually find the “taking you” expression a bit like he’s talking to a child!

OP posts:
ShingleBeach · 14/09/2021 08:52

I think you have to talk to him frankly.

Tell him you don’t want to cause stress by suggesting expensive places, so can he let you know his circumstances. Tell him you understand it is none of your business but you can’t quite add up his flat with the career income he would have had.

Attitudes to money are key in a relationship so at some stage you need to know whether he is sticking to a strict savings plan and loads in a savings plan ready to buy his holiday home in Antigua, a complete con man not long out of jail, a gambler, paying for his mother’s care home or whatever.

Just ask.

dottiedodah · 14/09/2021 09:00

I think if something seems "off" then it often is TBH! I think he seems to be cautious for some reason. Maybe he has overspent in the past ,or had his fingers burnt.Whatever the reason if you are attracted to someone then you are happy to splash out now and then . He sounds a bit tight I think!

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 09:09

If you pick up that he is tight, he probably is. It's one thing to prefer value for money and to mix meals out with meals in, but an unease about paying when in theory you both have good incomes is awkward.

Do you think next his calculator may come out and you pay £5 more as you had the more expensive starter or an extra glass of wine?

Joystir59 · 14/09/2021 09:15

Absolute honesty about money is essential for a relationship to progress. He isn't telling you how he ended up in a bare mortgaged flat or how he is financing his life.

OhDearMuriel · 14/09/2021 09:16

For me it would be a turn-off.

Has the guy got no self-respect.

A few posters are saying it doesn’t matter or their DHs lived like this when they first met them etc., but this guy is late 40s!!

It really doesn’t stack up and I would want to know what’s behind it.