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Original poster

Am I destined to be just this type of friend?

82 replies

Neveratruerfriend · 13/09/2021 10:58

Musing today, after a recent text exchange.

A friend who I've known over 30 years recently had a significant birthday (friend X), but radio silence about any plans to celebrate etc.

Just had a text from a mutual friend saying she is currently in Cornwall (not saying who else is around). I asked her if she knew what friend X may be doing to celebrate her significant birthday. More radio silence. They have form for travelling a lot together so I think friend X has hired a cottage for a week/weekend and invited the usual suspects with us being excluded yet again!

So I have several friends but I feel I'm not one of their most important mates (no issues in that I think they genuinely like me). But this incident has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad, and there does seem to be a pattern here.

I considered but decided not to tell anyone how I often feel unincluded and hurt, as I don't want people ramping up their attention towards me out of guilt! Also, I know that ultimately, people only do what they really want to do. So if they want to spend more time with someone, they will do that, no gentle persuasion needed.

Does anyone feel that they, too, are that kind of "background" friend?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 11:14

It can happen; I don’t invite everyone to everything I do either so don’t worry. Just adjust her importance in your mind as you’re clearly not that important to her

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 13/09/2021 11:21

Yes, Shox, I agree. I can adjust her importance in my mind and that would be fine if it was a one-off. But I find I'm having to do that with a lot of my friends (so why am I routinely more invested in others than they are in me?)

What is it that drives you to invite some people over others? I once overhead a work colleague say about a friend of hers " she values my friendship to her much more than I do hers to me" which seemed to sum it up quite well.

Perhaps I should put up and shut up and be grateful that people want to be friends with me at all?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/09/2021 11:45

I think you might have a bit of a 'victim' head on about this. If you are not getting what you want from your friendships, make some new friends. You are responsible for making sure you have your needs met.

Natty13 · 13/09/2021 11:53

I was always the background friend. It's so hurtful feeling like you are on the outside looking in on your own friends group.

However I let myself drift away from them all. No drama or falling out, I just dropped the rope and dealt with my own bitter feelings towards them so now I can see them at mutual friends' (the one or 2 who did make an effort with me) events and be polite but there is zero interaction apart from that. Anyway, since I did that I was a lot happier and had the time and energy to meet new friends who invite me to things, love and support me. Feels a lot more like a a way street with my few new friends than ir ever did with my old ones but even if I hadn't met them, I was happier without the misery of feeling left out after I walked away.

userrname · 13/09/2021 11:59

I understand why you feel hurt by the holiday but I do agree with the previous poster. You sound self pitying. If you aren’t getting what you want or need out of your friendships, seek new ones.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 12:00

Yeah I agree as well
If someone treats you like an option then don’t treat them as a priority

honeylulu · 13/09/2021 12:06

Yes this is usually me. I haven't had a best friend since I was at school. I have 3 or 4 circles of close-ish friends but I do often feel like the "spare friend". I will be invited to most group things but much less so 121 type stuff. Meanwhile others in the group will individually meet up in pairs for coffee/drinks regularly.

There are a couple of friends who I do sometimes meet with 121 but I do feel that although they are MY "best friends" they wouldn't describe me in that way. I think if I am lucky I am probably in their top 5.

Try as I might (I do put a fair bit of effort in though without making a nuisance of myself) I often feel like I am more of an "acquaintance grade" friend.

As to why ... I am socially a bit awkward/inept. I have been diagnosed with ADD recently and suspect I am also on the spectrum (one of my children is and we are very similar). I feel that I lack charisma which seems to have high currency because it makes people fun, attractive and entertaining. Like it or not, many people in our society value charisma higher than something like being kind and caring.

TheFoundations · 13/09/2021 12:13

I haven't had a best friend since I was at school

School age is the only age it's really appropriate to have a 'best friend'. Adults seek out people they feel comfortable with and who meet their needs in a variety of arenas in life, so it's not generally a thing to have one person who is specifically 'best'.

raffle · 13/09/2021 12:25

School age is the only age it's really appropriate to have a 'best friend'

Really? I’ve had the same best friend for the last 40 years! Didn’t realise we were supposed to ignore each other after Primary School Confused

TheFoundations · 13/09/2021 12:30

@raffle

School age is the only age it's really appropriate to have a 'best friend'

Really? I’ve had the same best friend for the last 40 years! Didn’t realise we were supposed to ignore each other after Primary School Confused

That's nothing like what I said.
ChristmasCocktail · 13/09/2021 12:41

I am the background friend but I genuinely enjoy it. Grin
If you feel excluded it's time to make new friends op.

Doyouknowtheway · 13/09/2021 17:27

Make new friends away from this group or make effort with other friends don't sit around feeling sad mulling over friends who aren't thinking about you.

BeachDrifting · 13/09/2021 18:19

Yep I totally understand as I have this. Background rather than main show. Once I know or realise I’m background I dial back effort. Today is a good friends birthday but she made no effort on mine so I’m not texting or rushing to send good wishes. Normally I’d drop round a card etc but it has to be a two way street. Don’t make effort on that friends birthday. Don’t chase. Start looking round for groups you can join and how to make new friends. Keep your basket wide.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 13/09/2021 18:19

@honeylulu

Yes this is usually me. I haven't had a best friend since I was at school. I have 3 or 4 circles of close-ish friends but I do often feel like the "spare friend". I will be invited to most group things but much less so 121 type stuff. Meanwhile others in the group will individually meet up in pairs for coffee/drinks regularly.

There are a couple of friends who I do sometimes meet with 121 but I do feel that although they are MY "best friends" they wouldn't describe me in that way. I think if I am lucky I am probably in their top 5.

Try as I might (I do put a fair bit of effort in though without making a nuisance of myself) I often feel like I am more of an "acquaintance grade" friend.

As to why ... I am socially a bit awkward/inept. I have been diagnosed with ADD recently and suspect I am also on the spectrum (one of my children is and we are very similar). I feel that I lack charisma which seems to have high currency because it makes people fun, attractive and entertaining. Like it or not, many people in our society value charisma higher than something like being kind and caring.

Thanks Honeylulu for being so open about this, I think you may have described me here, especially the "socially a bit awkward/inept" part.

I realise it's something I try to avoid thinking about myself, but in company I definitely can either be on form, or ... socially a bit inept. So in other people's minds I may be one of those friends who can be either quite good company or hard work (on a bad day).

I do agree with you - people with charisma appear to get an easy ride in the friendship stakes, even if sometimes they can be quite entitled or a bit rude (it seems that people will put up with it when the person is very well liked). I do think that most outwardly charismatic people do not get or appreciate what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, either. Lucky buggers!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/09/2021 18:26

It's not about being 'lucky to be charismatic', it's about choosing the people to be around that you don't feel awkward and socially inept.

Those lucky charismatic types could choose 'friends' they felt awkward around, too, but they don't. They walk away, to make more time for people who connect with them at the right level. All they're doing that you don't is actively choosing. You are passively allowing the choice to be made.

It's like letting the waiter choose you something from the menu and then complaining 'Will I always end up with food that I don't particularly like?'

Choose your people wisely. It's the key to being happy.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 13/09/2021 19:18

@TheFoundations

Wise words here and thank you for taking the time to share them. I suppose many of my friends are of long-standing and if I let them go, I worry that I won't have many left and could feel even more lonely and rejected.

With WFH and Covid, it's been quite hard to foster new friendships too. Thank goodness for Mumsnet at times like these, it has been a great solace and friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 14/09/2021 08:33

Today is the twist in this tale. It's actually Friend X's birthday today, and I've sent a card to her home (which she won't be aware of as she's 99.9% likely to be on holiday in Cornwall). So I will send her an anodyne text eg " Many happy returns and hope you have a great birthday" - or I could send a text with a question eg "Many happy returns, I hope you are having a lovely birthday?" and see if she mentions if she is away or not.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 08:53

Knowing what you know about your friend and how you feel about the friendship....... does she add anything to your life? Would you miss her if she was no longer around? Can you take what she is offering and be content, or do think you'll always be hurt by her apparent indifference?

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 09:02

@Neveratruerfriend

Today is the twist in this tale. It's actually Friend X's birthday today, and I've sent a card to her home (which she won't be aware of as she's 99.9% likely to be on holiday in Cornwall). So I will send her an anodyne text eg " Many happy returns and hope you have a great birthday" - or I could send a text with a question eg "Many happy returns, I hope you are having a lovely birthday?" and see if she mentions if she is away or not.
Like game playing, you mean?

Just wish your friend a happy birthday and move on with your day. Stop testing her. You already know that she doesn't do friendship in the way you prefer.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 14/09/2021 09:06

@FlowerArranger

Knowing what you know about your friend and how you feel about the friendship....... does she add anything to your life? Would you miss her if she was no longer around? Can you take what she is offering and be content, or do think you'll always be hurt by her apparent indifference?
That's a very good point. I am already thinking about this. Logically I can see why she would prioritise her regular gang over me (us) and we wouldn't expected to be invited to everything. Eg assuming all 5 of them have gone to Cornwall, it's easier to find 4 bed accommodation versus 5 bed. But a while ago, we hosted an evening at ours for all of them and a week or so later on a zoom meeting, they mentioned they'd been to see a film. We queried - what all of you together? Yes they had (and we were a bit hurt that no one apparently had thought to invite us) especially as we'd hosted them all just only recently.

Every now and again someone mentions " oh we must organise something so that we can all get together" but we know the other 5 do, and regularly.

So maybe I should flip your question around, @FlowerArranger and say, would the others miss us if we were no longer around?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 14/09/2021 09:07

@TheFoundations

You are quite right. Thank you for putting me straight!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 09:21

So maybe I should flip your question around, @FlowerArranger* and say, would the others miss us if we were no longer around?

To what extent is this the crux of the matter?

I have quite a few friends who are important to me, but I'd be perfectly fine without them. Also, friendships can ebb and flow. Thinking of two of my best friends........ one I lost touch with for several years at one point, the other currently seems to be on the backburner for various reasons. 20 years later I'm very close to friend #1, and I'm as sure as I can be that friend #2 and I will reconnect again more deeply when we are both less preoccupied with stuff in our lives.

didyouseeit · 14/09/2021 09:24

I'm someone who only has background friend, but it's mutual and it's the way I like it. I have my family and honestly that is enough for me. I do feel though that if I didn't have family I would still be fairly self sufficient. Maybe you need to do this?

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2021 09:29

Did you text the friend whose birthday it is to ask if she had any plans or just the mutual friend?

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 14/09/2021 09:32

@MiddleClassProblem

Did you text the friend whose birthday it is to ask if she had any plans or just the mutual friend?
Ok yesterday it was mutual friend's birthday, and MF said we must get together to celebrate friend X's birthday as she has a special one. So as she mentioned X in passing, I then asked her if she knew what plans X may have had to celebrate?

I have not yet had any response to that question so have left it. And today is X's birthday so I have sent a simple text for birthday wishes (no games!) and X has just replied. No mention of what she is doing but says we must get together as it's been a long time!

OP posts: