Am I destined to be just this type of friend?

[Neveratruerfriend]

Musing today, after a recent text exchange.

A friend who I've known over 30 years recently had a significant birthday (friend X), but radio silence about any plans to celebrate etc.

Just had a text from a mutual friend saying she is currently in Cornwall (not saying who else is around). I asked her if she knew what friend X may be doing to celebrate her significant birthday. More radio silence. They have form for travelling a lot together so I think friend X has hired a cottage for a week/weekend and invited the usual suspects with us being excluded yet again!

So I have several friends but I feel I'm not one of their most important mates (no issues in that I think they genuinely like me). But this incident has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad, and there does seem to be a pattern here.

I considered but decided not to tell anyone how I often feel unincluded and hurt, as I don't want people ramping up their attention towards me out of guilt! Also, I know that ultimately, people only do what they really want to do. So if they want to spend more time with someone, they will do that, no gentle persuasion needed.

Does anyone feel that they, too, are that kind of "background" friend?

@Moknicker

It could be your DH.

I have a friend who is really lovely, hosts people etc. She rarely gets invited back and she gets really upset about it. I know the reason (but cant tell her) is because 1) Her husband is really hard work 2) They dont drink and unfortunately a lot of our social lives revolve around alcohol.

There could be something else going on.

omg .. thats such a shame 😳

Hi someone else raised that question earlier, and so did my lovely DH! I am 100% confident it's not him as he is the kindest, easiest going person and very adept in social situations. In fact much better than me at getting conversations going with strangers!

However this did apply to my ex (no surprises he is now my ex) as he was okay in small doses but otherwise hard work. Lots of people told me after we broke up how much they did not like him but also how much they preferred my DH, to the extent one of my friends thanked DH for "rescuing" me!

Part of the problem may be that we're no longer so relevant - we don't participate in the shared interest anymore so we don't seem them regularly anyway. And the 5 of them are quite a self-contained unit and it's so much easier to organise things for 5 rather than 7.

I have a couple of very close friends who we lived with in a jointly owned business when our children were young . I looked after their daughter a lot and treat her like extended family . She is always invited to weddings and special birthdays. On her 40th her parents asked me to book a restaurant owned by a very close family member . He would look after them and no doubt give some discount. We were not invited to the meal so I assumed just close family. I dropped off a card and gift at her house on the day but she was out . A few days later I found out another couple of friends and the neighbours had been invited to the meal. I was a bit hurt but never spoke about it and we remain good friends .

DH is my best friend. I don’t have loads of other mates but the ones I do I care about although I’m not bothered if I/we don’t see them in a while. I’m sure they feel the same about me/us and that’s fine by me.

This is me in general. For example, I'm on several group chats with friends, but I've noticed that when I post something, 90+% of the time, only the same one friend replies, the rest just ignore it, even of it requires an answer.
However, if any of the others posts something on there then everyone responds multiple times.

Posted too soon. Wanted to say that it's very hurtful so I can understand what you've said.

@YouTubeAddict

DH is my best friend. I don’t have loads of other mates but the ones I do I care about although I’m not bothered if I/we don’t see them in a while. I’m sure they feel the same about me/us and that’s fine by me.

That's the trouble. My DH is my best friend, too. After 10 years together under all sorts of scenarios we have road-tested our relationship and found nothing wanting and still remain blissfully happy together.

Which frightens me a bit, because if anything did happen to him, I don't have a large support network around me. Up to recently, I would have counted on this group of friends to be supportive but after this pathetic show about secretive birthday celebrations, no longer. It's very sad.