Am I destined to be just this type of friend?

[Neveratruerfriend]

Musing today, after a recent text exchange.

A friend who I've known over 30 years recently had a significant birthday (friend X), but radio silence about any plans to celebrate etc.

Just had a text from a mutual friend saying she is currently in Cornwall (not saying who else is around). I asked her if she knew what friend X may be doing to celebrate her significant birthday. More radio silence. They have form for travelling a lot together so I think friend X has hired a cottage for a week/weekend and invited the usual suspects with us being excluded yet again!

So I have several friends but I feel I'm not one of their most important mates (no issues in that I think they genuinely like me). But this incident has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad, and there does seem to be a pattern here.

I considered but decided not to tell anyone how I often feel unincluded and hurt, as I don't want people ramping up their attention towards me out of guilt! Also, I know that ultimately, people only do what they really want to do. So if they want to spend more time with someone, they will do that, no gentle persuasion needed.

Does anyone feel that they, too, are that kind of "background" friend?

Sorry if I've not made it clear but mutual friend and friend X have birthdays on 2 consecutive days and often host joint celebrations.

Who is the "we" in the sentence? Is it female partners only who go to the cinema and catch up between events - assuming you're in a male/female relationship - or does everyone go to these?

Is it possible that they see you (both) as a "couple friends" and there's another women only group you traditionally haven't been part of?

Indeed is your partner the one who introduced you to them in the first place?

I’m aware that in my friendship group, one person may feel like a background friend to us. This is actually because she has another very tight knit group of friends, she’s often busy with them and so not always invited to every meet up we do (Equally we all meet with each other one to one too).
My only other thought about the dynamic within your friendship group is, is it possible that others in the group find your partner difficult to get on with? No offence intended by asking.
I agree with others than friendships can ebb and flow

I have to be a bit careful on details as it may be outing. The 5 consist of 1 couple and 3 singles (mixed sex). We are a couple.

My dear partner did ask if it might be him the group has a problem with as I introduced him to them but I only pick up vibes that they really like him (in contrast to my ex that I know for sure they didn't like). I think my partner said this to try and make me feel better! And because like me he is self-reflective and tries to see things from a rounded perspective.

That's why @Cyberworrier I would not take offence at being asked. One thing I appreciate so much about MN is that people can offer honest thoughts and advice without having to filter it (as there is no "investment" involved in any personal relationship).

I sort of think, if you hadn’t spoken to her in advance about if she had any plans for her big birthday, how close are you?

It’s just one of those general questions that pops up a few months or so before, iyswim

@MiddleClassProblem

Hmm I always shy away from asking these questions as the recipient may feel uncomfortable about revealing their plans, particularly as they may not feature the questioner in them. So that could really put them on the spot and I wouldn't want to risk making someone feel bad about it.

TBH I feel uncomfortable when people ask me the same question as often I don't have anything planned ( I don't get much fuss or attention around my birthday other than a few texts and birthday cards so it's nice that people at least remember and make the effort in this way). I then feel I look a bit like a loser and am hoping that the questioner doesn't feel sorry for me.

Maybe that’s part of it then. The way you feel self conscious about these sorts of questions might be blocking you a little from being a closer friend to people.

You should be able to have these conversations as general chit chat regardless of if the plans involve you or not. It shouldn’t feel like an awkward thing to talk about.

Do you feel quite self conscious in other areas too? Maybe concerned people will read into things and hold back a bit there?

Without wishing to derail my own thread, birthdays is a bit of a problematic area for me.

Subconsciously I may not wish to ask someone even generally what they are planning for a special birthday in case they say, oh X, Y and Z have organised a mini-break / spa day for me, isn't that wonderful? Then some people have special birthdays that seem to go on and on eg someone I once worked with had her 50th and this was her schedule over several months:

Work - team meal out, card and gift for her;
At home - she hosts a 50th birthday party
Old school friends - meet up to celebrate her special birthday;
On-going friends - spa day;
Family - meal and day out;
Other - concert or similar bought as a treat for her birthday.

It was exhausting to hear all that. My 50th was a big party that we organised ourselves which was really lovely (but that was it - 50th was marked and done and dusted on the actual day!)

I think it comes back to that thing of if you are a type of background friend, there won't be friends who will club together and plan a nice celebration on your behalf tough but that's just the way it is

I don't think that's to do with what kind of friendship you have. If you sort of avoid conversations about birthdays, other people will not talk about birthdays (including yours) with you.

It's like any hobby. If you demonstrate that you are really into something, people will come to you when they want to talk about that thing. If they get the feeling it turns you off a bit, they'll go to somebody who welcomes that particular conversation more than you do.

I’ve come to accept that I am a background friend to those people who I am less aligned too. It’s a simple as that.

The two friends who you suspect to be in Cornwall together - they have more in common with each other or are more aligned to each other. That’s not a criticism of you.

Recently I felt quite hurt because a mum friend became super friendly with another mum friend. They have become absolute BFF’s. I was so jealous of this initially - seeing all the Facebook posts etc but recently have come to realise that I am not aligned with them. They want more out of a friendship than I do. They see each other most says, socialise multiple times per week, holiday together.

The friends who are my real friends, where I am not a background friend, are they ones I’ve known the longest and who I am aligned to. My school friends - we speak daily on WhatsApp, meet every couple of months for dinner and drinks, arrange informal things like coffee together and walks. They have lots of other friends who aren’t best friends but people who fit in with their lives just now.

I think you get our a friendship what you put in as well. To infiltrate you often need to really push into a group and have very regular contact.

Hi,
So if you're in a couple and the other 3 (mixed sex) are not, are you sure this isn't a single/couple divide? That is, they're possibly on the pull or discussing dating etc., while you and your partner are in a different place?
I had single friends who holidayed and met up a lot without me and another woman who was also in a couple. I was cosily coupled up and they were out on the town - they preferred to strut their stuff with other single people!
Perhaps it's nothing more than that, especially given they do meet you often as a wider group.

@QueenFreesia2021

I think you get our a friendship what you put in as well. To infiltrate you often need to really push into a group and have very regular contact.

Well we have pushed - eg over lockdown when we had gaps of being allowed to socialise, we invited the group twice over to ours. No reciprocation other than mutual friend invited us to join their weekly zoom catch ups after this had already been up and running.

It's very discouraging when you feel all the effort is coming one-way (us hosting them) and nothing comes back - not even an invitation to join them to watch a film.

May I ask what the dynamic is of the group? Did you all meet together or was it a gradual addition thing? Where abouts did you come into it and was there a person that introduced you to it?

I got to know friend X and partner first, via a mutual interest group. They were already best friends with another couple - one sadly died, the other is part of the current set up.

The other 2 came later via the same mutual interest group, I became friends with both and so did friend X. But as what usually happens because friend X and partner are very popular, the 2 friends became very firm friends of X and my friendship with them is now rather distant.

As we were both fed up of making all the running, I contacted the group to say would love to meet up, if you organise something we will come to you. It never happened (covid notwithstanding).

Yes, I'm a 'background' friend too. Years ago, I felt that, despite being genuine friends, people would choose other people to sit next to in the staff room, and i would end up sitting on my own. A counsellor at the time suggested that maybe I was giving out a message that I didn't want other people to come too close. I've no idea what that might have looked like to other people. But we did do a psycho-game with a collection of stones she had. She asked me to choose a stone for myself and put it down. Then she asked me to pick other stones to represent significant people in my life and place them in relation to my stone. Her observation was that all of them - even my child, who I would stand in front of a train for - were quite distant, relative to other people she had done this with.

As a child I found it difficult to form relationships but at the same time I have a sense that other children unfairly blamed me when things went wrong and then left me to my own devices.

Part of me would wistfully like to be one of the in crowd, but the actually prospect of it scares me shitless! So maybe one of those chicken & egg things.

It's probably not the same situation at all as you find yourself in OP. In an ideal world, I wouldn't want to be in the background, but circumstances and the way I was formed seemed to have made it that way!

@TrojaninTroy

One paragraph I particularly relate to: As a child I found it difficult to form relationships but at the same time I have a sense that other children unfairly blamed me when things went wrong and then left me to my own devices.

My parents moved around when I was a child and so I never settled for long at primary school and did have problems with being bullied / left out and excluded. I'm sure those experiences still haunt me.

I’m a background friend too I think. I have to be completely honest though - for years I wrung my hands and wondered why and then, had a lightbulb moment and realised I actually don’t deal well with groups of people and too much contact. I’m better one on one and seeing friends once a week at most. I don’t crave or cope well with that closeness. Then I came off all social media so I didn’t feel like a freak when looking at peoples varied and full on social lives. I’m much more comfortable being me now.
I think I pushed people away a little and stayed on the sidelines because I instinctively know too much contact is not good for my head.

@Neveratruerfriend
My parents moved around when I was a child and so I never settled for long at primary school and did have problems with being bullied / left out and excluded. I'm sure those experiences still haunt me.

Amazingly, this was exactly the same for me. By the time I was 9 I had had six different homes. One of them was an ocean liner bound for Australia, with severe sea sickness at various points. I literally didn't know which way was up. The journey took six weeks, so I count that as a residence as well.

Because of my family's time abroad, I also started school a good two terms later than my peers. It wasn't even the beginning of the school year, nor even the beginning of term. But we moved on again from there and at the next school I was put back a year before going forward to my chronological year group two terms later. A good foundation it was not.

Received a text yesterday from friend X: "Thank you very much for your birthday card. Just got home today after a stay in Cornwall where we've been celebrating my special birthday by the sea. Had a great time."

I've decided now that I will wait to see if friend X and /or mutual friend do try to invite us to something ... if they don't I guess that's it then, they really don't miss us at all. It will be hard to bear as I have known them all for decades but that's just life I suppose.

@Shoxfordian

Yeah I agree as well If someone treats you like an option then don’t treat them as a priority

This is a hard lesson.

I've decided now that I will wait to see if friend X and /or mutual friend do try to invite us to something ... if they don't I guess that's it then...

Are you saying you ate not planning to reply to your friend's message at all?
This would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Why not tell her about some interesting and/or worthwhile stuff you've been doing while she was away - and see how she responds?

I've decided now that I will wait to see if friend X and /or mutual friend do try to invite us to something

You're game playing. If you're close like you think you are, talk to he about how you feel. If you can't do that, your expectations of the friendship are very high.

I don't think the issue is you - I think it's the fact you see yourself as a unit with your DH. Having one couple amongst singles changes the dynamic and I can see why you weren't invited to the cottage.