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Original poster

Am I destined to be just this type of friend?

82 replies

Neveratruerfriend · 13/09/2021 10:58

Musing today, after a recent text exchange.

A friend who I've known over 30 years recently had a significant birthday (friend X), but radio silence about any plans to celebrate etc.

Just had a text from a mutual friend saying she is currently in Cornwall (not saying who else is around). I asked her if she knew what friend X may be doing to celebrate her significant birthday. More radio silence. They have form for travelling a lot together so I think friend X has hired a cottage for a week/weekend and invited the usual suspects with us being excluded yet again!

So I have several friends but I feel I'm not one of their most important mates (no issues in that I think they genuinely like me). But this incident has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad, and there does seem to be a pattern here.

I considered but decided not to tell anyone how I often feel unincluded and hurt, as I don't want people ramping up their attention towards me out of guilt! Also, I know that ultimately, people only do what they really want to do. So if they want to spend more time with someone, they will do that, no gentle persuasion needed.

Does anyone feel that they, too, are that kind of "background" friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 19/09/2021 07:18

@FlowerArranger

I've decided now that I will wait to see if friend X and /or mutual friend do try to invite us to something ... if they don't I guess that's it then...

Are you saying you ate not planning to reply to your friend's message at all?
This would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Why not tell her about some interesting and/or worthwhile stuff you've been doing while she was away - and see how she responds?

@FlowerArranger

I was going to reply but then decided not to, as friend X was texting me to thank me for the birthday card I'd sent her to her home address. So I did not want to respond to "thank" her for her thanks, if you see what I mean.

On the birthday card itself I did precisely that - I told her about some stuff we'd recently been up to and said that we were missing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 19/09/2021 07:19

@rookiemere

I don't think the issue is you - I think it's the fact you see yourself as a unit with your DH. Having one couple amongst singles changes the dynamic and I can see why you weren't invited to the cottage.
Friend X is part of a couple too. So it's a mixed couple / singles dynamic.
OP posts:
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 19/09/2021 07:32

I also did wonder whether it's because you and your DH go together.

You do sound like you're overthinking

R0tational · 19/09/2021 07:44

Honestly, they're being unkind. Find new friends!

PeriChristmas · 19/09/2021 08:00

Why can't people plan stuff without you?
It's just life. Stop overthinking.
If you want to see your friend, then make an arrangement to see her.
If you don't. Then don't. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TableFlowerss · 19/09/2021 08:18

I’m not in the same situation, as in I get left out, but my issue was they didn’t make much effort in general, not just specifically with me.

It was like we’re 4 best friends yet no one can be arsed to meet up (we all live in different cities after uni so it does take and need effort)

The odd text once every few weeks but if you called them they’d rarely answer and usually not phone back. One day I thought fuck this I’ve got other newer friends who actively ask to meet me.

These days I don’t waste my time thinking too much about my other friends. I give as much as I get. I concentrate on those that want to see me. Sometimes when the other girls suggest meeting up I say yeah sounds nice but don’t give dates etc as I’ve gone past caring. I feel much happier now 💕

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 19/09/2021 08:40

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I also did wonder whether it's because you and your DH go together.

You do sound like you're overthinking

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

Yes of course I'm overthinking it - I feel a bit hurt and rejection is never nice, and yes I know I need to get over it.

And of course people can do stuff and make plans without me - I've said before that we wouldn't expect to be invited on a cottage holiday as it gets harder to accommodate a larger party. But as we've made an effort to all of them and had them all over at ours for two evenings, we are sad that no one in the group has bothered to invite us back to anything at all (doesn't have to be a meal - just would be nice to meet up at a restaurant / go to the cinema etc).

OP posts:
Boysnme · 19/09/2021 09:17

@Neveratruerfriend I totally get where you are coming from. I am that background friend.

I get invited to big group events but never to smaller groups gatherings. Very rarely get an individual message asking how I am or anything despite me often asking, although I do always get a response to my messages.

I’m generally good enough when someone wants something from me (a lift, childcare, help with something to do with my work etc) but not good enough to go for a coffee with.

It’s really hurtful and I get why you feel the way you do. Im currently slowly withdrawing from a friendship group that I’ve come to realise wouldn’t miss me if I wasn’t in it (unless they needed something!) and I’m also equally aware about how much better I will feel too.

cherrytree63 · 19/09/2021 09:45

I'm also a background friend, so totally understand how you feel.
I've been "Wendy'd" a couple of times and sadly I've reached a stage where I just cut people off rather than trying to understand or appease them.
I even got a message from someone about me by mistake as we have the same name. That stung!

coodawoodashooda · 19/09/2021 10:54

@cherrytree63

I'm also a background friend, so totally understand how you feel. I've been "Wendy'd" a couple of times and sadly I've reached a stage where I just cut people off rather than trying to understand or appease them. I even got a message from someone about me by mistake as we have the same name. That stung!
What did the message say? Did you react to it?
Perriwinkles · 19/09/2021 11:25

@Neveratruerfriend

Aw I’m
Sorry to hear about all of this OP. Friendships can be so stressful. My advice, as with all problems in life, is to focus on yourself. These friends who don’t include you - do you feel really connected them? Do you feel like you click? Do you find you try too hard? Do you pursue friendships almost for the sake of it rather than because there’s really something special between ye?

Everyone has people for them out there but I suspect you might be barking up the wrong tree…?

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 19/09/2021 13:21

@Perriwinkles

We have had a lot of past history. For example, we were all connected through a mutual interest for many years (though I and my husband don't participate in it any more which no doubt could be a factor). We also had a joint venture for a few years and all of them were around when me and my ex split up and they were brilliant support through that. It may just be that I am hanging onto stuff that bound us together in the past and it is time to let them go.

Of course if anyone in the group does reach out to me (in terms of trying to sort out a get-together) I would be delighted, but I feel that now I have already taken the initiative at my end, I need to leave it up to them to hit the ball back over the net.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 19/09/2021 14:57

It may just be that I am hanging onto stuff that bound us together in the past and it is time to let them go

This is a brilliant observation and useful not just in this situation. A good deal of our power in life is in walking away from things. It seems very passive, but it can often be 'pillar of strength' stuff.

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 19/09/2021 15:54

@TheFoundations

Thank you for that. I know that there is power in walking away, but I suppose that not having masses of mates, I still feel sad to lose any of them. Turning the tables, if I were friend X would I miss me? Probably not. The truth always hurts.

Friend X and partner are like a beacon for friends, they make them easily and retain them. People who started off as my friends, when they met the Xs, gravitated over to them. Ditto if people move from our town and then come back to revisit, X's home is often a first port of call for a visit.

OP posts:
Notmoresugar · 19/09/2021 16:38

I think it's very rude of them but at least now you have full knowledge of the dynamics of the friendship group.

You can keep dangling on the sidelines or slacken off the rope and start distancing yourself. After this, for me personally it would definitely be the latter.

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 18:23

they sound like they deliberately exclude you..

walk away ..

Sniv · 19/09/2021 18:36

If people have left you out of something you expected to go to, it could just mean the group isn't as clear-cut as you think it is, and other people don't see it as such a unit. So just because some friends have gone out doesn't mean that anyone else should expect that they must get an invite every time too. Holidays especially are complicated and expensive to organise, and they may have lots of potential friends to invite but obviously can' invite everyone.

Perhaps try to get out of the 'friendship group' mindset, and just see all of these friends as individuals who you sometimes see together and see if that changes your perspective?

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 20:23

@Sniv

If people have left you out of something you expected to go to, it could just mean the group isn't as clear-cut as you think it is, and other people don't see it as such a unit. So just because some friends have gone out doesn't mean that anyone else should expect that they must get an invite every time too. Holidays especially are complicated and expensive to organise, and they may have lots of potential friends to invite but obviously can' invite everyone.

Perhaps try to get out of the 'friendship group' mindset, and just see all of these friends as individuals who you sometimes see together and see if that changes your perspective?

You mean .. expect nothing from these 'friends' and let yourself be treated like shit and excluded all the time.. but keep giving those wonderful gifts you give them for special occasions .. which they happily take...

is that the 'friendship group mindset' you mean ?

Sniv · 19/09/2021 20:55

You mean .. expect nothing from these 'friends' and let yourself be treated like shit and excluded all the time.. but keep giving those wonderful gifts you give them for special occasions .. which they happily take...

is that the 'friendship group mindset' you mean?

Er...no? I didn't say any of that? And did the OP give them a wonderful gift? I thought she sent them a card?

Notmoresugar · 19/09/2021 21:42

@Sniv
If you read all of OP's threads you'll see that after decades of friendship, OP is increasingly being excluded.

Despite OP making huge efforts on her part and said 'friends' taking her up on her kindness it's not reciprocated.

This time they all sneaked off to Cornwall without her and without even telling her. The shitheads were probably too embarrassed and cowardly to tell her, because they know they were wrong.

It's not acceptable and you know it.

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 22:11

[quote Notmoresugar]@Sniv
If you read all of OP's threads you'll see that after decades of friendship, OP is increasingly being excluded.

Despite OP making huge efforts on her part and said 'friends' taking her up on her kindness it's not reciprocated.

This time they all sneaked off to Cornwall without her and without even telling her. The shitheads were probably too embarrassed and cowardly to tell her, because they know they were wrong.

It's not acceptable and you know it.[/quote]
totally agree... they're not friends.. Flowers

Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 20/09/2021 11:10

@Notmoresugar
This time they all sneaked off to Cornwall without her and without even telling her. The shitheads were probably too embarrassed and cowardly to tell her, because they know they were wrong.

This. I've always said people are entitled to go on holiday together without inviting me as breaks away are more complicated to arrange when you have to factor in extra people so I have no problem with that. But when my mutual friend mentioned she was there, with the "I" word, and mentioned friend X " oh we must arrange a get-together as we need to celebrate her special birthday" and omitting to mention X was also there in Cornwall, I felt this was either -
sparing my feelings - or
cowardly.

If only mutual friend just said at the time, I'm here in Cornwall with X and Y, Z etc as we're having a joint birthday celebration. At least then that would have been open and honest. But now it feels a bit awkward and a bit pathetic. I did respond to mutual friend with some dates as she offered to sort out a future meeting, but since then - 7 days ago - there has been radio silence.

So no, I don't think this whole incident reflects well on this group of people and I am now starting to view them as not worth the bother any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveratruerfriend · 21/09/2021 10:09

I'm now beginning to wonder if anyone from the group (friend X or mutual friend) is going to get back to me at all to try and arrange a meet up.

And if they do, I'm wondering how I would respond to a text. I wonder if I would welcome the invitation or feel inclined not to bother as this episode has now spoilt my view of them as friends.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 15:11

Sorry that doesn't work for me...

and leave them too it 🌸

Moknicker · 21/09/2021 21:09

It could be your DH.

I have a friend who is really lovely, hosts people etc. She rarely gets invited back and she gets really upset about it. I know the reason (but cant tell her) is because 1) Her husband is really hard work 2) They dont drink and unfortunately a lot of our social lives revolve around alcohol.

There could be something else going on.