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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friend found out her partner is married.

109 replies

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:12

So, I thought I'd post on here for other women's views as my friend is worried on what she should do.

She has been seeing a guy for 7 months, weekends away, met his friends. Viewed a house together he was buying. She knew he had children as he had mentioned he wasn't with the mother. He wore no ring and there was never any mention of his wife from colleagues or anything. I even met this guy and honestly, I'd never of guessed it. She has now quit her job as they worked together, blocked his number and is done with him.

She gets a text off a lady, asking why she was messaging her husband and who she was. She then called the guy she was seeing and yep, he has a wife. He begged my friend to tell his wife it was just messaging when that couldn't be more far from the truth. His wife has been messaging my friend asking why they was texting.

My friend wants to tell his wife the truth as she feels awful for her and obviously, that her husband is a piece of shit. He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything live for, which I'm guessing is just a guilt trip. He said he will only tell her "if he has to". Which just sums up who he is really.

I have told her to tell his wife everything as she deserves to know. She's being kept in the dark and her choices are being taken away. But my friend is worried cause she knows it's going to cause alot of hurt.

Just wanting advice or opinions on what she should do. I'm angry for her so my view will be coming from anger and I don't want her to make a choice she may regret.

Thanks for any replies!

OP posts:

minnimiss · 10/09/2021 18:17

His wife deserves the truth, he has done this once and he will do it again. For all your friend knows she is just one in a long list of women. This time he has been caught. There should be consequences. Yes his wife will be hurt by the truth but in the long run will probably better off without him.

Tulips15 · 10/09/2021 18:19

She needs to tell the wife!

Blue4YOU · 10/09/2021 18:20

In this scenario the wife has asked - so she wants to know. It’s not like your friend is out for revenge or doing it for herself..
If I were your friend I’d absolutely tell her the truth

romdowa · 10/09/2021 18:21

Your friend has done nothing wrong and should tell the wife the truth. Why wouldn't she?

ISeeTheLight · 10/09/2021 18:23

Your friend is not causing the hurt, the husband is. Not her problem and the wife deserves to know the truth.

Original poster

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:23

@minnimiss

I said the same thing. He will do it again and his poor wife wouldn't have a clue. I'm taking her for STD tests tomorrow. She's a pretty strong woman but it's floored her right now.

OP posts:

trickmetwice · 10/09/2021 18:25

Please tell your friend to be truthful to the wife. Provide evidence and give the poor woman the answers she needs.

mrsbitaly · 10/09/2021 18:25

How absolutely awful for your friend and to go through all that with someone she trusted. He's been living a second life and what's disgusting is his friends were in on it too. I can't imagine the heartbreak this is going to give his wife but this wasn't just a quick fling this by the sounds of it was a full blown relationship where she has been tricked into believing he was a genuine person now that is unacceptable on both parts. Yes the wife should know.

dontwantausername · 10/09/2021 18:25

Sorry to hear. Men who are separated even mislead and say they're divorced when they're legally still married.

To avoid this in future just Google the public records for example in Scotland it's "Scotland's people". It's free all the marriage, death, birth and Divorce certificate if you fancy a copy you sent to can order one for about £6. Just pop in their name and if it's popular use a few filters and you'll find them. I've used it for someone who told me they were divorced (they weren't). So I didn't date, not until the divorce is through for me. He has gone on to get engaged to someone while still legally married. I think they're now splitting up as it's came out but she should have just spent 5 minutes online.

My son's absent father went on to have 2 more kids I ordered both certificates you get the full details, occupation, job, address etc. Public Records have always been available to the public but you can do it nowadays without traipsing into the town. There's no excuse to not know if someone's legally married other than naivety and trust.

Original poster

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:26

@romdowa

Your friend has done nothing wrong and should tell the wife the truth. Why wouldn't she?

I think it's because she will feel responsible for destroying a family, I have told her it's him that has done that.

OP posts:

scarpa · 10/09/2021 18:27

I'd tell the wife and give her all the evidence she might need for a divorce and to stop him being able to claim your friend was a liar.

It's not revenge, it's doing her a kindness - she's asked, so she wouldn't rather live in blissful ignorance.

Original poster

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:30

@trickmetwice

Please tell your friend to be truthful to the wife. Provide evidence and give the poor woman the answers she needs.

She has hundreds of messages and pictures as proof. So he can't deny any of it.

OP posts:

onthegrindbaby · 10/09/2021 18:30

I'd tell her. His wife got in touch, she wants to know, so not telling her would just be protecting him.

AngusThermopyle · 10/09/2021 18:32

The wife has asked so I would definitely give her all the information she needs/wants in order to let her make the decision about where her relationship is going.

Ahhhhhbisto · 10/09/2021 18:36

Your friend has been asked. She should tell his wife the truth and not cover for him.

I hope your friend is ok, sounds like you are being very supportive.

MiniCooperLover · 10/09/2021 18:38

Jesus she has to tell the wife

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2021 18:40

He is clearly a MASSIVE dick. She should tell his wife, with proof, immediately!!

Original poster

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:40

I'd love to drown him right now if I'm honest. My friend is such a nice person and didn't deserve any of it and neither does his wife.

I have showed her this and she is going to send a message to his wife and I guess go from there.

OP posts:

Astressedlady · 10/09/2021 18:42

If it was me, I would let her know the truth and then wash my hands of the situation altogether and move on from it. He sounds like a toxic person.

JLQ1020 · 10/09/2021 18:42

Tell the wife... Imagine u were the wife would you want to know... I would!

Kuachui · 10/09/2021 18:45

I'd want to know, better to know now than down the line when even more years are wasted

bh2210 · 10/09/2021 18:47

I'd say the same many others. Tell the wife what happened and let her lead you on what details she wants to know - she may not want all the sordids from your friend but may do in time.
Your friend should not feel embarrassed about telling the wife - she entered into the r'ship in good faith and it was the man who has been deceitful and now he's been caught he realises what he can lose - tough luck mate.
If your friend wishes to, provide the wife with evidence for the divorce - she may not want to divorce but may just want to know exactly what happened considering she has a lying husband. The more evidence she has the better her situation will be. Your friend needs to think what she would want others to do if, god forbid, a husband did this to her. Surely she'd want to know and kick his ass straight back to mummy, who will no doubt say her boy was the victim in all this.
Oh and photos.... all the dates photos of them together will help go against the rat.

RantyAunty · 10/09/2021 18:50

Yes definitely tell her. She probably had an idea something was up.
It's 100% cheaters fault for doing it to his wife.
Regardless of what she ends up doing, at least she has the information.

notanotherjacketpotato · 10/09/2021 18:56

I would never advise someone to reach out to a wife to tell all in these scenarios but as the wife has actually asked, yes, I'd tell her.

Be factual and non emotional and provide evidence of possible.

The only caveat is if there's any chance he'll retaliate with violence.

His wife can't just "take away" his kids. He'll have to go down the proper routes of mediation, possibly court etc. But that's all on him.

Tiredofbs123 · 10/09/2021 19:01

Glad the plan is to tell the wife, she absolutely should, no question. Please tell your friend to do this ASAP.

Tbh this is sickening if he had friends who were playing along with this.

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