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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend found out her partner is married.

109 replies

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:12

So, I thought I'd post on here for other women's views as my friend is worried on what she should do.

She has been seeing a guy for 7 months, weekends away, met his friends. Viewed a house together he was buying. She knew he had children as he had mentioned he wasn't with the mother. He wore no ring and there was never any mention of his wife from colleagues or anything. I even met this guy and honestly, I'd never of guessed it. She has now quit her job as they worked together, blocked his number and is done with him.

She gets a text off a lady, asking why she was messaging her husband and who she was. She then called the guy she was seeing and yep, he has a wife. He begged my friend to tell his wife it was just messaging when that couldn't be more far from the truth. His wife has been messaging my friend asking why they was texting.

My friend wants to tell his wife the truth as she feels awful for her and obviously, that her husband is a piece of shit. He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything live for, which I'm guessing is just a guilt trip. He said he will only tell her "if he has to". Which just sums up who he is really.

I have told her to tell his wife everything as she deserves to know. She's being kept in the dark and her choices are being taken away. But my friend is worried cause she knows it's going to cause alot of hurt.

Just wanting advice or opinions on what she should do. I'm angry for her so my view will be coming from anger and I don't want her to make a choice she may regret.

Thanks for any replies!

OP posts:
LaBellina · 11/09/2021 05:47

He lied, cheated and anything that he loses as a result of this behavior coming out is what he deserves. I wouldn’t think twice about texting the wife if I were your friend.
I hope that God forbid I ever end up in the same situation someone would tell me too.

barskits · 11/09/2021 14:53

@BeachDrifting

She met his friends? What a bunch of lowlifes. Utterly disgusting. Your poor friend
The wife needs to know about this too. Poor woman.
FleasInMyKnees · 11/09/2021 15:17

His wife knows now, what are you emailing her, he cant deny it, he is a scum bag but be careful if your friend thinks he could get nasty.

LJenn · 11/09/2021 17:09

I'd meet the wife in secret and have a heart to heart. Just be totally honest and explain she never knew about the wife. And then block the man in question 😑

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 13/09/2021 19:45

Just to update guys, his wife is believing him and thinks my friend is a liar. She just did a complete turn around. I'm guessing the manipulative arsehole has spun her some story. Saying that, the proof we sent her had everything on it. Him telling my friend he wants to be with her and he's fallen for her. I can't believe she doesn't believe my friend. It's crazy! But I do get why she wouldn't as she will probably want to keep her family together.

I may add, her husband found a way to contact my friend off another number begging her to lie - with the whole "you'll never have to see me again" bullshit. He also asked her for naked pictures too! All went to the wife and she still doesn't believe her. Is it wrong that I want to go to his work and rip his head off??

My friend is heartbroken as she quit a job she loved to get away from this guy and he's still managing to get at her in some way. I'm glad we told her though, if she wants to be with a man who has zero respect for, then that's her choice. I just feel sorry for her. I'm glad my friends away from it now!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/09/2021 02:52

She doesnt believe him, she just doesnt want to accept the truth because that will lead to her either a) signing up to the rest of her marriage to a proven cheat or b) end the marriage and she clearly isnt ready for that yet. She needs your friend to be a liar as otherwise the she is a fool.

Their marriage will end but sadly I suspect it will be when he leaves her and not the other way around.

She asked, she got what she asked for and then realised that actually what she wanted was to keep her head buried firmly in the sand. Sad but her choice.

Skippingabeat · 14/09/2021 03:14

I was in the wife's place. He was seeing 2 other women. I will be forever grateful for the one who was truthful with me.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 14/09/2021 06:21

That's shit for your friend op.

In response to a pp, my divorce took 4 long, traumatic years. During which I openly started a new relationship (with a chap who was also in the process of divorce), as did my ex. Those who say they'd never date until the divorce was finalised obviously have no idea how lonely and alone it can feel at that time. As long as everyone is honest that is.

Billybagpuss · 14/09/2021 06:45

She knows, the proof is undeniable. If she’s messaged your friend the only answer she needs to give is that it is her choice who she believes, she asked and was told what happened, what she chooses to believe from that is up to her.

Hope your friend gets a new job soon.

Jonjojobs123 · 14/09/2021 08:18

It may not be a case that she doesn't believe your friend, as you say the truth was there for her to see. The most likely scenario is that in fact he has convinced her it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything and he wants to stay in the marriage and work on it. She (potentially) has decided to try and work things out and stay with him. There may be many reasons for this unknown to anyone outside. So tell your friend not to feel sad and unbelieved you can be sure as hell that everything will not be rosy behind closed doors even if she has decided to give there marriage another go, its just your friends part in that is now over. Wish her well xx

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 14/09/2021 08:32

I just feel so sorry for the poor woman. She did tell my friend that she has no friends of her own to talk to, so I know she hasn't got anyone to unload to.

He has told his wife that he has fallen for my friend as she did get a screaming call off the wife, but I don't blame her. She is going to angry and upset and needs to put that anger somewhere. I just hope she sees sense very soon and doesn't waste much longer on this man. I did speak to the wife myself and she did state they'll be together for the children. I did tell her, take it from someone's who's parents did the same thing and it caused more damage than good. We knew our parents didn't want to be together and it was horrible to see. So I hope she takes that into account.

My friends boss is now aware of everything so she is going in for a chat this afternoon, I think he is leaving so she may be able to get her job back.

OP posts:
SingingInTheShithouse · 14/09/2021 08:53

Tell her the truth

I was in a similar situation though it was a male friend who I'd caught out cheating on his partner with another friend of mine, which put me right in the friggin middle 😏

I confronted him, tore him a new arsehole & all 6"3" hairy arsed biker actually cried like a baby to me about it being a mistake, other friend was pushy etc (she is) & he couldn't live without his GF, so I didn't tell her the details she asked me for & they stayed together.

Only friend obviously convinced her that I was at fault because I knew all along & was in I it with the other friend he was cheating on & helping her to know when GF was out or away. His GF never spoke to me again, even though we were friends & had started spending more time together before he cheated 😏

Biggest regret was not telling her bloody everything. She did leave him in the end, but it still upsets me that she thought I would do that to her.

denisethegreat · 14/09/2021 09:02

I told the wife once when I found out a man I was seeing was married. She did believe the affair but in the end she spun it round that I hadn't meant anything to him, wasn't that attractive so he'd never have left, he was unwell and needed therapy for sex addiction, her children didn't want to lose their dad etc etc etc. Ultimately she stayed which was her choice.

Billybagpuss · 14/09/2021 10:00

My friends boss is now aware of everything so she is going in for a chat this afternoon, I think he is leaving so she may be able to get her job back

That’s good I hope it goes well, it not sexual harassment I don’t think (very happy to be corrected as he’s a lying bastard) but not fair your friend should lose out because of his lies.

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 14/09/2021 20:23

@Billybagpuss

My friends boss is now aware of everything so she is going in for a chat this afternoon, I think he is leaving so she may be able to get her job back

That’s good I hope it goes well, it not sexual harassment I don’t think (very happy to be corrected as he’s a lying bastard) but not fair your friend should lose out because of his lies.

He is best mates with the director, so he would get away with murder! My friend willingly started the relationship so thankfully, it's nothing like that. But he was her manager.

To be honest, I honestly wish we didn't say anything. The wife has gone crazy and has hounded my friend and turned very nasty. Number has been blocked but is now calling on private number. I didn't think it would turn out this way at all. I just hope she gets the rose tinted glasses off soon and directs her anger towards her lying husband.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 14/09/2021 20:31

None of this is your friends fault and as difficult as it is she mustn't feel to blame for his behaviour or his wife's response as she's clearly sucked In by his lies. Sadly the fall for his wife will be a very big one when she realises you were both telling the truth all along.

bh2210 · 15/09/2021 15:56

Your friend is so much better off out of this mess.

Leave the wife to it, don't answer private numbers and if the harassment from the wife continues then maybe consider contacting the police (with her real number and as much evidence of the harassment as possible).

Your friend shouldn't be shamed by the wife for this. People are actually judging the wife for staying with her husband and believing his bull and that is why she is getting all territorial and defensive. But this is likely not the first time or the last time it will happen to the wife.

I wonder if he has 'made it all better' and said 'maybe we should try for a baby' to keep wife happy or bought her something.

Run friend..... run far away. Not worth going back to the job, she'll forever be plagued by the man and his wife. Fresh start and leave them to rot. P.S, hope your friend has gotten some tests done to make sure he didn't pass on anything untoward!

leakymcleakleak · 15/09/2021 16:02

She really should consider some kind of constructive dismissal and speak to the police about harassment.

If he's mates with the director, he is her manager, they were openly in a relationship at work and nobody told her he was married/they covered for him, I would have thought they were exposing themselves to a lot.

Equally, from the wife's point of view, the idea that your husband's friends, colleagues, everyone in your life is in on a giant conspiracy to hide your husband's affair.... I entirely believe your friend but can imagine why the wife is starting to believe / convince herself its not possible. If your friend is in a union she should try to get advice, or contact ACAS. And she should warn the wife and ex that any more contact from them will be harassment and she'll take it further, and make sure she does do so.

NetflixandWineplease · 15/09/2021 16:06

Absolutely tell the wife. Do it over text, whatever. Provide a evidence. Then block all contact with him.

blueskytoday06 · 15/09/2021 16:14

She needs to tell her.

PandoraP · 15/09/2021 16:17

I would send one message to the wife telling her to ask her husband who I was and then block.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/09/2021 16:24
Flowers
ravenmum · 15/09/2021 16:36

I was the wife in this and knowing the facts earlier would have saved me a lot of horrible gaslighting. I'd also have stopped sleeping with him.
If he's doing this with your friend there could be others too. Your friend is taking an STD test, but letting his wife continue to sleep with him thinking she's safe.

TheWeatherWitch · 15/09/2021 16:41

Your friend needs to tell his wife everything.
She owes him nothing, less than nothing.

But I hope your friend is prepared for him turning up on her doorstep with a bin bag and a backpack holding everything he now owns and telling her she’s the one he really loves. She needs to tell him to sling his hook when he next turns up.

SW1amp · 15/09/2021 16:45

@TheWeatherWitch

Your friend needs to tell his wife everything. She owes him nothing, less than nothing.

But I hope your friend is prepared for him turning up on her doorstep with a bin bag and a backpack holding everything he now owns and telling her she’s the one he really loves. She needs to tell him to sling his hook when he next turns up.

Did you actually read the thread? Confused