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Original poster

My friend found out her partner is married.

109 replies

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:12

So, I thought I'd post on here for other women's views as my friend is worried on what she should do.

She has been seeing a guy for 7 months, weekends away, met his friends. Viewed a house together he was buying. She knew he had children as he had mentioned he wasn't with the mother. He wore no ring and there was never any mention of his wife from colleagues or anything. I even met this guy and honestly, I'd never of guessed it. She has now quit her job as they worked together, blocked his number and is done with him.

She gets a text off a lady, asking why she was messaging her husband and who she was. She then called the guy she was seeing and yep, he has a wife. He begged my friend to tell his wife it was just messaging when that couldn't be more far from the truth. His wife has been messaging my friend asking why they was texting.

My friend wants to tell his wife the truth as she feels awful for her and obviously, that her husband is a piece of shit. He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything live for, which I'm guessing is just a guilt trip. He said he will only tell her "if he has to". Which just sums up who he is really.

I have told her to tell his wife everything as she deserves to know. She's being kept in the dark and her choices are being taken away. But my friend is worried cause she knows it's going to cause alot of hurt.

Just wanting advice or opinions on what she should do. I'm angry for her so my view will be coming from anger and I don't want her to make a choice she may regret.

Thanks for any replies!

OP posts:
barskits · 10/09/2021 19:08

He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything to live for, which I'm guessing is just a guilt trip

He didn't think about losing his children while he was having the affair with your friend. It is not only a guilt trip, but massively manipulative as well.

His wife deserves to know, and he deserves everything coming to him, the bastard.

Hattie765 · 10/09/2021 19:11

I'd tell his wife everything and send all the messages, she deserves to know who she's married to and the opportunity to make her own informed choices. He's responsible for the effects this will have on his family and no-one else x

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 10/09/2021 19:14

I had this, met his kids and everything and turned out they were still a family! He used to tell his wife he was taking the kids out for the day (10 and 9) so she could have a break. God knows what he said to his girls to keep them from telling their mum the truth! I was floored when I found out and immediately ended it. Same thing had happened as here, his wife reached out to me wanting to know so I told her and I felt so sorry for her as she was like again?! Why am I not good enough for him. They broke up shortly after and she managed to move on, I hope she's happier now. He's now moved on with someone else and have a child between them, he tried reaching out to me not so long ago from a new account but I quickly blocked that, he'll be up to his old tricks again by now I reckon 🙄. Your friend will feel horrendous for a while but she is the innocent party as she didn't know and did the right thing as soon as she found out

FreeBritnee · 10/09/2021 19:18

Yep, tell the wife everything she needs to know.

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 19:21

They have spoken over the phone and it was short but his wife said she had a feeling for ages but thought she was going crazy. She did thank my friend for being honest though. We will be emailing her everything tonight.

I just hope both my friend and the wife can now try and move forward. This is just an awful situation all round.

OP posts:
Dashel · 10/09/2021 19:24

No way would I lie to protect a tosser like him. I would block him and tell the wife as much as she wanted to know

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 19:25

I'm glad your friends been honest with her. I really feel for them both. What a snake!

2bazookas · 10/09/2021 19:27

In this case the wife clearly knows he's been unfaithful and just needs to establish a few facts and details so she can decide what to do next.

Friend certainly should not lie to protect the creep so yes, your friend should give the information that's been asked for.

crystalspiders · 10/09/2021 19:28

I’m glad your friend has been honest. What an utter bastard, I hope your friend and his wife are able to move on❤️

trilbydoll · 10/09/2021 19:29

I wouldn't seek the wife out but as she's asked I wouldn't lie to her - there's enough lying being done already! I guess at least she found out after 7 months rather rather 7 years Confused

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 19:35

I have no idea how anyone can do this. He must of done it before. His friends are just as bad as they knew and never mentioned anything.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2021 19:46

"I have told her to tell his wife everything as she deserves to know. She's being kept in the dark and her choices are being taken away. But my friend is worried cause she knows it's going to cause alot of hurt."

Yes it will cause a lot of hurt, but not nearly as much as will be caused by her covering up for himSad. What a piece of shit he is! "He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything live for" - no, he's still lying. His wife can't ' take his children away', he'll have access. I suspect what he means is his wife will take herself and all her wifework away and he'll have to wash his own pants and clean and cook for himself. Tough, innit?

Make sure she tells his wife about meeting his friends too - she needs to know that she cannot trust any of them either.

Your poor friendSad.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 19:47

His wife is asking for the truth. She deserves it. All of it.

SW1amp · 10/09/2021 19:53

Well done on your friend for agreeing to tell the wife everything she needs to know
Just an awful situation for both women, but they will both move on so much quicker with everything in the open for both of them

Your friend should also let her know which of his friends she met and were therefore covering for his affair
She deserves to be able cut them out as well

BeachDrifting · 10/09/2021 20:16

She met his friends? What a bunch of lowlifes. Utterly disgusting. Your poor friend

FairFuming · 10/09/2021 20:16

I hope your friend is OK. What an awful thing to go through

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2021 20:21

Well done to your friend and to you for supporting her. That poor woman. Now at least she can move on and be happy.

RogueV · 10/09/2021 20:25

What snake. Glad she told her!

EveningOverRooftops · 10/09/2021 20:27

I hope she tells the colleagues he’s married too! He’ll get someone else and they deserve to know he’s a rat.

MazzleDazzle · 10/09/2021 20:28

Tell her!

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 10/09/2021 20:28

Wow he 100% deserves the worst consequences of this. I have no words for what kind of people his friends are Angry

pollypocketlover · 10/09/2021 20:32

You're friend did the right thing OP, this man had obviously been gaslighting his poor wife if she thought she was going crazy. I hope your friend is doing OK.

BananaPB · 10/09/2021 21:34

Your friend did the right thing.

My ex had an affair and the gaslighting and not knowing was more awful than the separation and divorce. He was gaslighting me when I knew something was badly wrong and I thought I was losing my mind 🥲🥲 Even though I discovered a horrific truth, there was massive relief that I was right.

What happens now is not because of anything your friend has done.l or not done.

KylieKoKo · 10/09/2021 23:35

Your poor friend is probably goings through a range of emotions and will be grieving the relationship she thought she had. Please look after her.

I wanted to add this as everyone seems to be focussing on the wife's emotions but you're friend has also been betrayed.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/09/2021 05:28

A piece of advice for your friend - when he turns on her and spouts crap like she ruined his marriage - tell him to fuck off and that this is his fault, not hers. She didn't make him lie to her that he was single. She didn't make him choose to have an affair. He made the choices that led to this.

Also, if his wife throws him out (fingers crossed) and he comes knocking pretending his chose to leave and he wants to be with her - shut the door in his face.