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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend found out her partner is married.

109 replies

ButterflyBlue13 · 10/09/2021 18:12

So, I thought I'd post on here for other women's views as my friend is worried on what she should do.

She has been seeing a guy for 7 months, weekends away, met his friends. Viewed a house together he was buying. She knew he had children as he had mentioned he wasn't with the mother. He wore no ring and there was never any mention of his wife from colleagues or anything. I even met this guy and honestly, I'd never of guessed it. She has now quit her job as they worked together, blocked his number and is done with him.

She gets a text off a lady, asking why she was messaging her husband and who she was. She then called the guy she was seeing and yep, he has a wife. He begged my friend to tell his wife it was just messaging when that couldn't be more far from the truth. His wife has been messaging my friend asking why they was texting.

My friend wants to tell his wife the truth as she feels awful for her and obviously, that her husband is a piece of shit. He has begged my friend not to tell her as she will take his children away and he won't have anything live for, which I'm guessing is just a guilt trip. He said he will only tell her "if he has to". Which just sums up who he is really.

I have told her to tell his wife everything as she deserves to know. She's being kept in the dark and her choices are being taken away. But my friend is worried cause she knows it's going to cause alot of hurt.

Just wanting advice or opinions on what she should do. I'm angry for her so my view will be coming from anger and I don't want her to make a choice she may regret.

Thanks for any replies!

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 16/09/2021 14:19

His wife is just a raging lunatic at the moment. She said she will find her address on the electrol roll and come to her home. She has also gone in their work shouting and screaming. It's completely bizarre. I sympathise with the wife, I really do. But why on earth is she attempting to make my friends life a misery when her husband is the cheat and a liar? It doesn't make sense to me. We have reported her to the police today as she's just making threats and my friend doesn't want any further contact from her.

As for the husband, he's still trying to get in contact and begging. My friend is changing her number today. This is so much drama. I wish we never told her.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 14:40

So the wife has gone from blindly believing him to realising she's been shafted by her liar DH... but is still staying with him... okay 😳

glad your friend is changing numbers 🌸

LJenn · 16/09/2021 15:54

Changing numbers is a good call. Unfortunately it's just for the best 😞. I know it's tough but she shouldn't look back and regret being up front, at the end of the day she has nothing to hide or be ashamed of. The wife now has to take responsibility for how SHE behaves. I know the wife had said she doesn't have friends of her own... but one could see why now?! Bloody Nora threatening people?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/09/2021 15:58

It happens, sadly.
Less painful to blame the woman than to accept just how little you mean to your husband. 🤷‍♀️

Your friend did nothing wrong. It's a shame the wife has chosen to blame an innocent woman for the choices of her sleazy bastard
of a husband

TheWeatherWitch · 16/09/2021 16:00

@SW1amp

Yes I did read the thread. When the wife comes to her senses, the husband will be out on his ear.

That’s when he will turn up at the home of his mistress, looking for a bed for the night.

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 16/09/2021 17:44

[quote TheWeatherWitch]@SW1amp

Yes I did read the thread. When the wife comes to her senses, the husband will be out on his ear.

That’s when he will turn up at the home of his mistress, looking for a bed for the night.[/quote]
If he does show up at her home, she'll just tell him where to go. I very much doubt that will happen though. But who knows! I hope not.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 16/09/2021 17:45

@QueenBee52

So the wife has gone from blindly believing him to realising she's been shafted by her liar DH... but is still staying with him... okay 😳

glad your friend is changing numbers 🌸

It's absolutely crazy. I think she is just directing her anger at my friend as she isn't willing to accept that her husband is an awful person. She will one day though, I just hope she doesn't waste years of her life as she is only in her 30's.
OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 16/09/2021 18:08

Your friend is not in the wrong she did the right thing, we can all agree that.

But a betrayal where there are ‘friends’ involved, weekends away, emotional attachment is a HARD one for this wife to swallow. She is in shock, absolute shock. She really isn’t thinking straight. There is a book out now ‘cheating in a nutshell’ (I think) which really catalogues the effect of finding out that a long term partner or spouse is cheating on you. It can cause and does cause trauma responses, anxiety, rage and PTSD. It adversely affects their mental health.

I am not giving this woman a get out clause for upsetting your friend, but I am trying to point out that she is not thinking straight and won’t be for some time to come, as a direct result of her husbands betrayal.

Your friend still did the RIGHT thing. Now she just needs to stay well out of it and allow this woman to come to her own conclusions in her own time.

The only nasty in this scenario is the husband.

Marjoriedrawers · 16/09/2021 18:48

@ButterflyBlue13

His wife is just a raging lunatic at the moment. She said she will find her address on the electrol roll and come to her home. She has also gone in their work shouting and screaming. It's completely bizarre. I sympathise with the wife, I really do. But why on earth is she attempting to make my friends life a misery when her husband is the cheat and a liar? It doesn't make sense to me. We have reported her to the police today as she's just making threats and my friend doesn't want any further contact from her.

As for the husband, he's still trying to get in contact and begging. My friend is changing her number today. This is so much drama. I wish we never told her.

She needs to tell him to keep his wife away from her.
cameocat · 17/09/2021 16:55

Your friend may need to consider getting a restraining order on them both. She definitely needs to keep evidence/ a record or all abusive and threatening behaviour.

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 18:16

@cameocat

Your friend may need to consider getting a restraining order on them both. She definitely needs to keep evidence/ a record or all abusive and threatening behaviour.

good idea.. keep everything

ArcheryAnnie · 17/09/2021 18:27

His wife deserves to know the truth, not least because she needs to take an STD test - neither the Friend nor the wife know who else this spithead has been snagging.

And the friend's reaction was to cut this man out of her life. The wife is entitled to the same opportunity.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/09/2021 18:28

Ah - apologies, I see that the story has moved on!

Dontwatchfootball · 17/09/2021 18:49

The wife clearly has suspicions, so actually your friend is doing her a favour by being honest rather than letting this carry on with him behaving this way (he will 100% do it again if he gets a chance).

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 20/09/2021 21:04

The wife has just bombarded my friend with threats and phone calls. She's also receiving messages off random numbers. It's absolutely awful. My friend is in pieces over this. I felt sorry for the wife but now I really don't. They seem a right pair the both of them. She may not be able to control her husband actions but she can control her own and making another person life hell cause she got the truth she asked for, there's nothing to justify that. It's actually just been awful. We thought we was doing the right thing and it's just turned into a nightmare.

We have called the police and this woman and her husband are to leave my friend alone. My friend is staying with me as the wife threatened to find her address on the electrol roll. I'm hoping that's the end of it now.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 20/09/2021 21:17

So she can't control herself but what about the husband, can he control her? He must know what she's doing. Why isn't he doing something to stop her? I thought he was still calling your friend begging?

Ashitaka · 20/09/2021 22:00

He is best mates with the director, so he would get away with murder! My friend willingly started the relationship so thankfully, it's nothing like that. But he was her manager.

Arent they always?

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 20/09/2021 22:13

@Marjoriedrawers

So she can't control herself but what about the husband, can he control her? He must know what she's doing. Why isn't he doing something to stop her? I thought he was still calling your friend begging?
My friend won't have any contact at all with the husband. I don't know if he knows she is doing it to be honest. He must know now though as the police have been in contact with them to leave my friend alone.
OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 20/09/2021 22:14

@Ashitaka

He is best mates with the director, so he would get away with murder! My friend willingly started the relationship so thankfully, it's nothing like that. But he was her manager.

Arent they always?

It's always the case isn't it. Nobody has ever interested me at work as I keep it purely professional. I'm guessing she will do the same now.
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 20/09/2021 23:02

She has done the right thing in contacting the Police ...

record everything you can.. keep a notebook and write it all down.. don't let them continue to harass your friend .. keep all evidence

best wishes to you both 🌸

snackysnacksnack · 21/09/2021 07:29

If it were me then I'd want to to know the truth so I'd tell.

She's not going to take his children away, he's going to have to co parent and thus not see them every day like every single other person who's relationship breaks down after they have children.

I have no sympathy, that was his choice when he decided his family meant less than an affair.

KylieKoKo · 21/09/2021 11:46

Threads like this are why I find the knee jerk advice of telling the wife a bit odd. The ops friend who have been better to dump him and move on!

Original poster
ButterflyBlue13 · 21/09/2021 11:58

@KylieKoKo

Threads like this are why I find the knee jerk advice of telling the wife a bit odd. The ops friend who have been better to dump him and move on!
After this, I'd opt for not telling the wife. This woman is absolutely crazy and is making my friends life hell. She's changed her number, deactivated her social media and quit her job due to the abuse. What else do they want? She refers to my friend as a dirty slut and seems to forget that her husband is the one who has caused this mess.

So I hope I don't come across this situation again, but if I do, I'd be telling them not to tell the wife. It just isn't worth it.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 21/09/2021 13:05

I'd be tempted to contact the husband to tell him he either makes her stop of all the messages and evidence from him will be released to the police.

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 13:17

Sadly a very deluded wife...

don't believe for a minute that life is Rosy at home for him... if this is how she is treating your friend.. imagine the hell he's living in... deservedly ... however sounds like he'd likely be better off just leaving... he doesn't sound particularly happy .. and is having affairs etc ...