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Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
fidgetmad · 11/09/2021 07:39

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Just got up having not slept much - except for a delightful dream about tax HmmGrin

He didn't bother to reply last night. I've decided whatever happens I need some time for myself this weekend so he can put up with my preference for once!

For him not to reply, I'm assuming you replied to his response? (The one you shared)

What did you say?

I think you're perfectly reasonable to at least want to understand his thinking behind it Thanks

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 07:41

@EarringsandLipstick so it's okay for him to come into my home and my life every week, and to say to me I need to tell him straight if something is on my mind, but he doesn't need to give me the same courtesy?!

OP posts:
ISaidDontLickTheBin · 11/09/2021 07:42

It doesn't sound like he wants you round at his and he's not going to make it a regular thing, whatever the real reason you have to decide if it's a deal breaker.

OP, for me the apparent food incompatibility that you describe something I'd struggle with in a serious relationship. After 8 months are there really no meals that you both like to eat?

SheWoreYellow · 11/09/2021 07:43

I was thinking that too about the separate meals. Is it you or him that’s particularly restrictive?

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 07:44

@ISaidDontLickTheBin we do have similar tastes, eg we both love spicy food, Italian, roast dinners... and so many other things! It's just I am veggie and he eats meat (but doesn't like quite a few vegetables) - that's basically it!! I've managed to whip up sausage and mash for us for example, just with different sausages. I know he knows how to make this as he told me how he does his mash and makes gravy!

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 11/09/2021 07:49

Ok if your dietary requirement is just that you’re veggie and he’s not then him being terrified to cook “your kind of food” is ridiculous.

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 07:52

Yes what bothers me is him making out it's a huge amount of effort to host me, sorry "people", and is coming out with every excuse for why it's not an ideal option for him. But is happy to toddle round to mine every couple of days to be waited on.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/09/2021 07:55

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal tell him just that - why is such an effort for you to host me (people) yet you happily come to mine twice per week?

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 07:58

This is basically what I said to him in my follow up message to him last night. And that I don't want to go round there because I want to! I said I want him to want me too, as well, and want to welcome me into his home, personal space and life just like I do for him.

OP posts:
MrsRockAndRoll · 11/09/2021 07:58

Have you decided if you will see him this weekend?

He's being ridiculous about you being veggie. All he had to do is google a recipe for Italian or a curry

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 08:00

Yeah I said that about just find an easy recipe and he pulled a face. When I made some cakes the other day I jokingly said "your turn next" and he said "no way". When I told him that I taught myself by just following a recipe, he looked at me as if I'd suggested he set himself on fire.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/09/2021 08:01

Ah well you have asked him let's see if he responds.

Thanks
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 08:02

And before anyone suggests I am high maintenance or bullying him to do things, it's not about him having to make cakes, as this was just a joke between us - more just seeing him putting himself out slightly for me would be nice.

OP posts:
Notradespeopleareavailable · 11/09/2021 08:04

This all seems very odd. He's messing with you and I think hiding something. This is also not the behaviour I would expect or want from another adult that I am supposedly having a grownup relationship with.

I suggest you cease to put up with any further bullshit from this bloke. Tell him straight up he's to host you from his place or get rid. I think you will be dodging a bullet if you do.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2021 08:09

just say oh Im a bit behind with the housework so Ill come to you this weekend

play him at his own games

and if he says so am I you can say well you better think of an alternative then as my places is a bomb site and see what happens

Ultraopaque · 11/09/2021 08:11

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He replied straightaway!

"Hey, it’s not been a bad day thanks, but I’m still stuck on this tricky work problem that I can’t figure out.
Thanks for talking to me about what’s on your mind. You are always welcome to come to mine, it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework …like last week. I’m never saying that you can’t come to mine - I will just occasionally say that I’d prefer to come to yours if I feel that it’s a bit of a state here. I know you say you don’t care and you’re sure it’s not actually that bad anyway (which is very kind of you!), but I just hate the thought of having anyone round and them being presented with mess. If you want to spend some time here this weekend, you absolutely can …I’ll get cracking on the housework! 🙂 As for cooking you a meal - that terrifies me, simply because I have such different food tastes to you and zero experience of cooking your types of food! That’s not to say I wouldn’t give it a go ..but I’d effectively be cooking blind, as I wouldn’t be able to tell if what I was cooking was actually any good. Xxx"

Reading this reply op, he seems quite immature. Obviously you want a man to take the initiative and plan something and follow through.

His replies are all about his worries and insecurities. He doesn't really seem to be focused on your feelings so much (in this instance anyway).

Does he consider that you may have had a hectic week? Or that it might be a pain for you to have to always keep up with housework? Or that you might be nervous of cooking for him sometimes?

This sounds definitely like someone who has been molly-coddled and isn't used to considering other people's feelings.

You say he might be a keeper but not taking the initiative is quite a significant flaw I think. Looking ahead, do you want to be one of those wives who has to tell their husbands what to cook for dinner, or even that dinner needs cooking? Or that the baby's nappy needs changing?

I personally wouldn't like his passivity or that he is putting a bit of potential dust above your relationship.

On the other hand (to be completely fair Grin) I have a messy hisbsnd and it is a massive pita having to clear up after him.

If you think the relationship is worth saving, then you need to be prepared to "re-educate" him massively I'm.afraid.

onelittlefrog · 11/09/2021 08:13

Maybe he's a bit OCD about the house being clean and tidy? He might feel like it has to be absolutely perfect when you come round and it's a lot of pressure for him.

Just talk to him about it.

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 08:15

I have tried to talk to him about it many times! I've told him how it makes me feel but he just tells me not to be silly.

OP posts:
Ultraopaque · 11/09/2021 08:17

ivykaty44 that is genius! Grin

Yes op, when he next expects to come around just tell him breezily that you haven't kept up.with the housework and you are a bit too terrified to cook!

RantyAunty · 11/09/2021 08:25

He does sound childish in a way.

He's fine to come to yours where he can be waited on and have someone clean up after him and he gets to go back home to his clean untouched house.

It's odd. It does sound like some type of hang-up or possibly untreated OCD.

If he's like this now, I really don't see how the relationship could progress.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2021 08:26

I had this with my exH but in reverse - he always expected me to go to his and would never come to mine. I lived an hour away and if I saw him in the week he would expect me to get up and drive home at 6am to go and get ready for work. He never reciprocated. I married him and he was similarly rigid in other areas of his life and it was an unhappy marriage (apart from my 3 kids). I should have paid attention in the early days but I had poor boundaries and very low expectations,

I'd be keeping a watchful eye on this one - it doesn't bode well.

Ultraopaque · 11/09/2021 08:31

Op I have just had a thought while emptying the dw ...
.. if his mother died when he was very young then this could be a classic case of him subconsciously not getting too close to another woman in case he is "abandoned" again. He may not realise he is keeping you at bay to protect himself from more hurt.

Do you know how his dad coped afterwards? If he grew up in a rather cold home, maybe with a depressed or grieving parent, he may not be very good at warm relationships.

TenThousandSpoons · 11/09/2021 08:31

When he comes to yours do you cook him meat? Or does he cook his own meat? Surely it’s worse for a veggie to prepare meat than it is for him to prepare a non-meat meal. I can’t get over his terror of vegetables Confused

butterpuffed · 11/09/2021 08:36

I think he has OCD.

Your complaint when you started this thread was that he didn't invite you to his place. He has now done this and you've completely changed your complaint to him cooking you a meal. He's either a hopeless cook as he's admitted or he couldn't cope with the mess while you're there !

butterpuffed · 11/09/2021 08:38

Ooops, I meant the mess from cooking not you making a mess !!!