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Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2021 20:54

"You don’t see the problem with expecting the person you’re dating to buy the food, cook for you AND clean up afterwards, EVERY SINGLE TIME?!"

No, my question is why does he OR SHE have to cook a slap-up meal. Why can't they just eat something simple?
I don't get the obsession with cooking or 'hosting' or 'waiting on' someone.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2021 20:56

"I'm sorry but cooking is a really important life-skill - it's vital in fact!"

It's obviously not vital is it or many of us would be dead.
It's perfectly possible to eat, and even healthily, without cooking from scratch.
I do agree that it's a useful skill, particularly if you have children, but it's really not compulsory. Nobody is forcing OP to cook either.

EarthSight · 14/09/2021 22:19

@Gwenhwyfar

"Also, notice that he hasn't once said 'You know what, let me buy all the ingredients and make you slap-up meal at yours' (and be doing all the tidying up afterwards)."

Why does he have to though? Why would be unworthy of love because he's not a cook? I get that if you have children, it's an important skill, but otherwise, I don't see the problem. Just have a pizza or something.

@Gwenhwyfar I like shoving a pizza in the oven too. I get your point about cooking not being the most important thing, but her situation seems quite one-sided. I could understand it if she had extremely high standards in her house and she cooked him restaurant quality 3 course meal every time he came around, and he thought 'God, how am I meant to live up to that?', but as far as I'm aware, that's not happening here. He's going to her house, what, over 95% of the time? Doesn't that seem a bit odd, in addition to his text? The whole 'Well you can come over here if you really want to but it's just easier for me to come to yours, because I'm a very busy man you see. Look at me here, going to the gym, helping my Dad, cleaning for you...'(paraphrasing). And the assumption she doesn't really have a proper job because she's self-employed?

Women so often find themselves shoe-horned into being the one who's cooking or waiting. It can start subtly with compliments like 'You're such a good cook' or 'You're just great at ironing shirt, I'm just rubbish at things like that!' . A precedent is start which then becomes hard to break, and sometimes the women is guilt tripped into it.

There's a good argument to not rush into anything, to see what happens because we don't know him as a person, and maybe we've really got it wrong here, but I think this could be a wider issue than lack of cooking skills/willingness in a relationship.

EarthSight · 14/09/2021 22:24

@Gwenhwyfar

"You don’t see the problem with expecting the person you’re dating to buy the food, cook for you AND clean up afterwards, EVERY SINGLE TIME?!"

No, my question is why does he OR SHE have to cook a slap-up meal. Why can't they just eat something simple?
I don't get the obsession with cooking or 'hosting' or 'waiting on' someone.

@Gwenhwyfar Right, I'll take the slap-up meal thing back then. How about he comes over and makes her some simple but nice pasta, and not be reminding her of how he's putting himself out for her by doing this? How busy he is? How about he just starts inviting her round to his with no 'well if you really want to' attitude, or a 'but' in there somewhere?

Jesus how difficult could that be? It's not Michelin star cooking she wants! (I assume)

WhoIsPepeSilva · 14/09/2021 23:22

Cooking isn't important. I'm pretty crap at it for example.

It's about making the effort though isn't it? If I had a partner like OP who had expressed a want for me to try and cook for them I'd at least have a go. It might be cheap and simple, may turn into a burnt mess, I may embarrass myself in the process but because I care about what my BF/partner wants I'd try.

It's about someone who wants to put a bit of effort in for the sake of her even if it occasionally pushes them a little out of their comfort zone. Someone who demonstrates they care with things they know are important to the OP. It's not hard.

OP's BF just straight up refuses to try. That says a lot to me.

Joystir59 · 15/09/2021 05:02

Making a meal for your partner IS important. Anyone can learn to cook some simple dishes based on things their partner likes eating. Really. It's a poor excuse to say you can't cook.

season2 · 15/09/2021 23:26

Just RRFT hoping for an update from OP! Did he cook, did you talk it out? What was his response @cheesecakeisacompletemeal?

callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 10:59

What? No news? We don't mind Op if you come back and say he is a really great shag so you don't care any more Grin

TellingBone · 16/09/2021 15:58

@callmeadoctor

What? No news? We don't mind Op if you come back and say he is a really great shag so you don't care any more Grin
Oh I'd mind! I spent a lot of this past weekend aggrieved by proxy.

😂

SoloISland · 17/09/2021 00:30

Thisis a little concerning. Maybe he has killed her and buried her under the patio,....old soap opera event.

FleasInMyKnees · 17/09/2021 10:33

I am worried too, do you think she is ok or maybe it was a wind up.

Rainbowshine · 17/09/2021 11:44

I’ve reported to MNHQ (no reply, mind you) so they can take a look at things.

FleasInMyKnees · 17/09/2021 12:07

I have reported to

FlatteredFool · 17/09/2021 12:27

Well, this sucks. I know the old OP doesn't owe us an update thing but it's good manners to say something, in my opinion.

Rainbowshine · 17/09/2021 12:55

MNHQ are looking into it now

TiredButDancing · 17/09/2021 13:17

@Rainbowshine

I’ve reported to MNHQ (no reply, mind you) so they can take a look at things.
Why on earth would you do this? The OP came on, asked for advice, got advice. And then didn't come back. Irritating, sure, but she doesn't owe us, a bunch of strangers, anything? What is Mumsnet HQ going to do? Send the police round to do a welfare check?!
FleasInMyKnees · 17/09/2021 13:19

People are concerned this is why it's been reported, we eont know 2hat MNHQ do, if it's a troll then at least we know.

TractorAndHeadphones · 17/09/2021 16:26

Reported? What COULD MNHQ possibly do? jesus

Squooka · 17/09/2021 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/09/2021 21:24

" I could understand it if she had extremely high standards in her house and she cooked him restaurant quality 3 course meal every time he came around, and he thought 'God, how am I meant to live up to that?', but as far as I'm aware, that's not happening here. "

She complains a lot about it though doesn't she so it does seem that she thinks it has to be an 'effort' or that people have to put themselves out for each other. Why can't they just spend time together and have fun?

"He's going to her house, what, over 95% of the time? Doesn't that seem a bit odd,"

Not really. Lots of couples primarily go to one place, because one of them has a bigger home or whatever. You could argue that she's lucky she doesn't have to travel, though in this case they live close to each other. Having to be the one who always visits the other can be a pain too.

"The whole 'Well you can come over here if you really want to but it's just easier for me to come to yours, because I'm a very busy man you see. Look at me here, going to the gym, helping my Dad, cleaning for you...'(paraphrasing). And the assumption she doesn't really have a proper job because she's self-employed?"

I'll give you this one.

"Women so often find themselves shoe-horned into being the one who's cooking or waiting. It can start subtly with compliments like 'You're such a good cook' or 'You're just great at ironing shirt, I'm just rubbish at things like that!' . A precedent is start which then becomes hard to break, and sometimes the women is guilt tripped into it."

OP's choice to cook isn't it? She seems to put a disproportionate importance on cooking. Women who don't cook don't get themselves into these situations.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2021 21:41

God have people really reported the thread because the Op hadn't returned? That's bonkers!!

grapewine · 18/09/2021 00:07

@CandyLeBonBon

God have people really reported the thread because the Op hadn't returned? That's bonkers!!
Completely bizarre. Agree.
Rainbowshine · 18/09/2021 08:28

I didn’t report it because the op didn’t reply, people were posting about “what if he’s killed her” which I personally felt uncomfortable about and someone suggested that the OP might be a troll. In terms of if MNHQ want to check if the op is ok I assume they can see if they have been active on their account or indeed contact them using the email they registered with.

Kintsugi16 · 18/09/2021 09:47

Move along - there’s nothing to see here

Gwenhwyfar · 18/09/2021 10:28

"In terms of if MNHQ want to check if the op is ok "

What??? There was no serious suggestion that she might be in danger.