Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

I think he could quite possibly have OCD if his place is immaculate when you've been there (even when you popped in) and maybe he's anxious about people 'invading' his space but the whole cooking part is ridiculous!
I thought you were going to say you were gluten free or coeliac or something, not vegetarian!!!! That's a right cop out on his behalf! Why wouldn't he entertain you both cooking together?
Also, if you're no where near the stage of actually moving in together, this situation could potentially last for years!
He needs to be totally honest, whether that be that he has issues with people in his space, or he's just a lazy arse and wants to be waited on. He's got to be honest though.

Aw, I think it's a shame it's got so heavy and serious. Your text was good, his reply was good - where did it all go wrong? :(

I think he has OCD about his own space. He does not want intrusions on this space and likes it to stay exactly as he wants it.
After 8 months you both should feel comfortable about being in each others homes.
His last text is just excuses and sounds a bit panicky that you have pushed the matter.

He's just replied to say sorry he didn't see my message last night, apparently he was "busy with housework". FFS 🤦‍♀️

There are actually loads of red flags here. Is he younger? Inexperienced? Anxiety and OCD. Don't go out with a vegetarian if cooking them something is such a 'huge' deal. FFS. There are actually loads of issues here.

In any event, if he really didn't want to cook, whats wrong with inviting you over and having a takeaway?

I think he sounds very focussed on himself. At first I thought it was unintentional but now I think he absolutely knows he’s being selfish but doesn’t care.

What really stood out was the way he tried to misrepresent the facts in his reply to you, saying “sometimes” and “occasionally” when he knows damn well you always host at your house apart from a single occasion. The fact he tried to misrepresent this is far worse to me than the not inviting you round. He’s either immature, self-centred and lazy, and is lying and defensive, or he’s starting to ‘train’ you in a controlling way.

Neither of those sound good. I would ask him outright - What if I haven’t done all my housework? What if I find it difficult to cook your type of food?

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He's just replied to say sorry he didn't see my message last night, apparently he was "busy with housework". FFS 🤦‍♀️

Oh that's a bit passive aggressive isn't it? It's a bit "look what you made me do, you asked for this" kind of thing isn't it?

I’m a shit host and now wondering if my friends all feel like you do!

I’d much rather visit them than have anyone in my home, I feel more comfortable visiting others. It’s a rare occurrence that we have visitors and prefer to do the visiting. Bough dh and I are quite anti social.

So from my point of view I think you are being a bit over dramatic, he has said you can go to his. He has obviously just got into the habit of visiting you. Don’t play silly games or be in a mood about it.

OP, I just read an Anne Tyler book called Redhead at the side of the road, where the protagonist sounds like your DP.

He worries so much about everything being right that he ends up getting things wrong. The house would have to be immaculate, the meal perfect etc.

I honestly don't understand why this is so important.
I also don't see why the 'host' has to do any real hosting when it's a regular visitor like a boyfriend. Surely, he just makes himself at home, helps himself to food and drink etc. He shouldn't need to be waited on.
I don't get the obsession with cooking either. I don't cook and don't see myself as unworthy of love for it. You/he can always buy something to heat up or we can go out for food or meet up after dinner.

I think it was @snowdropsandcrocuses upthread who was hinting he might be autistic, without actually saying so. Loved that one.

I'm a ten-year mumsnetter and I think if he's cagey about his home he's got something going on. Other women, or some activity he wants to hide.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal, you've asked - almost begged - and you've persisted, and he still doesn't want you in his home. He doesn't want to cook for you. You've told him your concerns and he's told you 'not to be silly'.

Relegate this one to the back burner. No, he can't come round and be waited on (unless you fancy a shag, if he's worth it) and if he wants to see you he can provide an evening out followed by a hotel, or a weekend away. My feeling is, the truth of his commitment would become glaringly obvious in days - you won't see him for dust.

@Gwenhwyfar it's not so much about "hosting" for me - honestly I am not that fussed - but more about him putting in some sort of effort and being willing to defer to my preferences once in a while!

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

I think it was *@snowdropsandcrocuses* upthread who was hinting he might be autistic, without actually saying so. Loved that one.

I'm a ten-year mumsnetter and I think if he's cagey about his home he's got something going on. Other women, or some activity he wants to hide.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal, you've asked - almost begged - and you've persisted, and he still doesn't want you in his home. He doesn't want to cook for you. You've told him your concerns and he's told you 'not to be silly'.

Relegate this one to the back burner. No, he can't come round and be waited on (unless you fancy a shag, if he's worth it) and if he wants to see you he can provide an evening out followed by a hotel, or a weekend away. My feeling is, the truth of his commitment would become glaringly obvious in days - you won't see him for dust.

And then she's lost a relationship that was good apart from the fact that they always spend time at hers.

[quote cheesecakeisacompletemeal]@Gwenhwyfar it's not so much about "hosting" for me - honestly I am not that fussed - but more about him putting in some sort of effort and being willing to defer to my preferences once in a while![/quote]
But you go on a lot about cooking. Why is it so important?

Yes OP theres virtually no hosting for him to do if he orders in a takeaway at his house. He just has to open a bottle of wine.

I'm in counselling for OCD. And can relate to how he feels. If my place isn't right I feel horrible if people are in it. It's got zero to do with the people (strangers, friends, family, there is no hierarchy!) And everything to do with me.

If I hadn't done everything the way I like it and people come round, I just don't relax or feel at ease. At all. Even though if you'd come and I hadn't done everything you wouldn't understand because it's always at a base level clean and tidy that to other people is perfectly normal. However, to me, it feels like a shit hole.

I do not care what other people's homes are like. Just because I have these standards for me, I completely know it's unhealthy and that other people don't live like me. And that the way other people live is more normal. Even though I know all of this, I still do what I do. It's compulsive. I don't judge other people's homes by my standard at all.

It must be incredibly difficult for my DH. We can't relax on a Friday until everything is 'done'. I even don't work on a Friday so that I am free to indulge in my compulsive cleaning, tidying and sorting in a bid to minimise how much it affects my DH (in an ideal world, I'd have everything perfect the moment he steps through the door so he doesn't have to do the crazy shit I do to feel normal).

I just thought I'd post this to show you how, if he does have OCD, it's really not about you, although it totally impacts you. As in, he's not having you round because he doesn't want you round, he just only wants you round when everything is done to the standard needed for him to relax. Does that make sense? I'm struggling to explain it!

Doesn't make you feel very wanted though, and I'd hate to make anyone feel like that, but the OCD wins every time for me. I can't stop doing what I do, even if it is upsetting someone I dearly love. Hence the counselling!

When I say cooking, it can be shoving a ready meal in the microwave! It would just be nice for me to be looked after and thought about for one evening when I am tired and don't feel like doing "housework".

He's just replied to say sorry he didn't see my message last night, apparently he was "busy with housework". FFS

Well, that'll teach you I reckon you've instigated a bit of a shift in the dynamic, it's chaffing a bit. I think the relationship will weather this storm if you want it to.

I love that your special dietary requirements that are different to his and he may not be familiar with is that you're a vegetarian!

@Monestera Yeah it's nuts! I am actually far less fussy than him! I will eat literally everything veggie whereas he has very specific dislikes, e.g. nothing pickled, lots of veg he won't eat, only small bits of onion and tomato... I could go on.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He's just replied to say sorry he didn't see my message last night, apparently he was "busy with housework". FFS 🤦‍♀️

That's so passive aggressive. I think he's being malicious, if the cause of this inconsiderate behaviour was really OCD or an obssession with cleaning he wouldn't also be being a dick about cooking for OP. He clearly resents being expected to put any effort into catering to her needs but is more than happy to have her constantly catering to his.

Something that helps me when I'm trying to figure out if a man is treating me poorly is to imagine if I could ever treat him the way he is treating me. OP, would you feel comfortable if the situation was reversed? Would you ever be able to spend 8 months not inviting your partner to your house and expecting him to cook and clean for you constantly? Would you never offer to cook something if your partner was vegetarian and you weren't, and when they asked you to, act like you were being asked to do something really difficult? I don't think you would ever have treated him so disrespectfully. So why does he feel comfortable treating you like this?

For the life of me I can't see why you're so miffed still, his reply seems OK. Just take it at face value and tell him you're on your way round, and see how the weekend goes.

To add, I know you say he's generous when you're out and will treat you to dinner, etc. But realistically how often does that really happen? It's no effort at all for him to treat you to the odd dinner here and there or pitch in with the groceries when he's also eating the food. He doesn't sound generous to me, generous people don't behave like this.

@Droite because he is so begrudging about having me come over, and it's actually making things worse and making me feel like I'm an inconvenience! Remember this isn't the first time I've told him it would be nice to be invited round.

Ask him straight out if he's OCD about cleaning.