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Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 11/09/2021 06:16

@TatianaBis

Has hit it on the head .

TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 06:20

@Mummyoflittledragon

I don’t mean get to the bottom of it in order to fix him, I mean in order to walk away. My hunch is his issues are too big to deal with.

If someone needs to keep people out of their space they seem to keep people out emotionally as well. He doesn’t feel like a person who would be able to mix their life and space with another’s.

And whether his issues are making him self-centred or he is self-centred naturally - the outcome for the OP is the same. There’s no awareness of how selfish his behaviour is or how it may affect the OP and the relationship. I’m not sure if he’s trying to cover up his issues or whether he really isn’t conscious of them.

PearlyRising · 11/09/2021 06:26

When it ends he wont be reninded of you in his home. Nice for him. You will though be reminded of him when you're in your house. This is why i felt angry and annoyed at myself when i was in this situation 5 years ago. I wasnt in his real life i realised. He was in mine hut not the other way around. He was definitely not married either. Just very good at creating a setup that worked for him.

daisychain01 · 11/09/2021 06:29

He's not being honest. Whatever game he's playing it's fucking with OP head and he's lying about his personality.

This sort of crap would have me running for the hills. It takes up so much headspace, it's exhausting, I'd have given up by now. And all this analysis for a relationship that isn't even a year in.

Once resentment creeps in with someone who is purposefully not pulling their weight, it's difficult to wind back from that, it's their tendency, They revert to type. He's saying loud and clear this is who I am, read the tea-leaves.

Throw him back for someone else!

BlancheB · 11/09/2021 06:31

Could it be that as you're the one with the responsibility of having pets that it's just logical for him to come to you rather than the other way round?

Isn't it a faff to leave your pets with your family each time? Does he enjoy being around the pets?

Not making excuses, just throwing it out there?

It sounds like he has high cleanliness standards and is a little awkward around hosting and out of practice cooking for someone else.

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 06:32

Just got up having not slept much - except for a delightful dream about tax HmmGrin

He didn't bother to reply last night. I've decided whatever happens I need some time for myself this weekend so he can put up with my preference for once!

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 06:34

@BlancheB maybe, but he's never mentioned that as a reason! He does like my dogs and likes walking them with me, gives them lots of attention etc.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 11/09/2021 06:38

it’s not worth throwing him under a bus for if he is lovely in other ways

This is what makes people get into and stay in faulty relationships, though.

Someone exhibits a significant fault-line in their behaviour and personality and the suffering partner will dismiss their own deeply held beliefs and instincts because "oh, but he's lovely in other ways", ignoring the fact they are putting up with a lazy, selfish, non-contributing person because they bring them a cup of tea from time to time.

And it does tend to be women who do the putting-up-with! Social conditioning.

Why2why · 11/09/2021 06:39

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Just got up having not slept much - except for a delightful dream about tax HmmGrin

He didn't bother to reply last night. I've decided whatever happens I need some time for myself this weekend so he can put up with my preference for once!

You are engaging in a tit for tat in a relationship that’s only 8 months. Isn’t that a big sign that this relationship is not what you need?

Moreover, this tit for tat is all one sided and in your own head. He may not be bothered by your tit for tat or may not even realise he is in a tit for tat situation.

If this house visiting thing is some sort of red line, then consider ending this relationship. Too much mind games for an 8 months relationship.

daisychain01 · 11/09/2021 06:40

[quote cheesecakeisacompletemeal]@BlancheB maybe, but he's never mentioned that as a reason! He does like my dogs and likes walking them with me, gives them lots of attention etc.[/quote]
My case in point! He's walked your dogs, give him a gold medal. Meanwhile you get the donkey work.

Why2why · 11/09/2021 06:42

@daisychain01

it’s not worth throwing him under a bus for if he is lovely in other ways

This is what makes people get into and stay in faulty relationships, though.

Someone exhibits a significant fault-line in their behaviour and personality and the suffering partner will dismiss their own deeply held beliefs and instincts because "oh, but he's lovely in other ways", ignoring the fact they are putting up with a lazy, selfish, non-contributing person because they bring them a cup of tea from time to time.

And it does tend to be women who do the putting-up-with! Social conditioning.

But no one is perfect so putting up with some things is part of relationships. It depends on what your red lines are. It’s always about balancing good and not so good and knowing your deal breakers. Both men and women will be making that judgement unless you think women are perfect and men never have to compromise.
EarringsandLipstick · 11/09/2021 06:43

I seem to be missing something - hasn't he said to you to come around?

Go around this weekend & see how it goes.

It seems clear enough that he struggles having people in his space. I think go around, and take it from there.

Why are you now more cross with him when he has said you can come to his this weekend? Isn't that what you wanted?

Why2why · 11/09/2021 06:45

@EarringsandLipstick

I seem to be missing something - hasn't he said to you to come around?

Go around this weekend & see how it goes.

It seems clear enough that he struggles having people in his space. I think go around, and take it from there.

Why are you now more cross with him when he has said you can come to his this weekend? Isn't that what you wanted?

He hasn’t responded in a timeframe the OP thinks is acceptable.

This relationship must be exhausting for both parties.

keeponandonandon · 11/09/2021 06:59

This may be a long shot but does this guy have autism? It took me almost a year into my relationship for me to really notice some of my other half's very odd behaviours and responses and I suggested suggested that he got tested for it but he wouldn't have any of it initially. However, over time he started looking into it and eventually agreed to be tested, he is now diagnosed and wises he was previously as he's spent his life feeling different and trying to act like everyone else, he also self medicated with alcohol (not anymore) we have been together for 11 years now and have learnt to adapt and on the whole, we have the wonderful relationship. I get frustrated with him at times but we deal with it. I'm sure i frustrate him at times but he is a lot kinder than me and doesn't mention it. I think that too many people have been quick to judge your guy as other than this issue, he sounds very sweet and caring.

Mummasdiary2021 · 11/09/2021 07:03

Could it be an OCD thing? Me and my sister are really close but her other half has to do a full deep clean and tidy before any guests come over. Basically has to look like a show home. Maybe he's the same so going to yours is just easier?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2021 07:08

@TatianaBis

I agree his issues are not something to try and fix. He has created a massive emotional wall around his home and it’s far easier to walk away than become figuratively battered and bruised.

Anyway op has decided to go with her preferences and see what happens. I imagine he will be revealing more of himself…

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 07:15

I don't want to try and fix him (trust me I've had 'projects' before and am not in a hurry to take on another). I was merely wanting to get to the bottom of what the real issue is, but if he's determined to not be honest with me I will move on.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2021 07:16

Good. Glad to hear it.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 11/09/2021 07:19

It sounds like sheer laziness and taking the easy option endlessly and without thinking of you in any way.

I get that he's great in lots of ways but you are a people pleaser and already trying to mitigate his feelings for him. You would be doing him a favour by forcing him to become more adult in his interactions with the world and holding back doing all the 'wifework' when you get there. The message is designed to get you to assume the role you are in at yours when you are at his.

Come over but you have to cook would have my flunge slamming shut forever!

SummerWhisper · 11/09/2021 07:25

Tell me not to spend time at yours without telling me not to spend time at yours.

Now he is punishing you. I thought his message was manipulative. The only way forward is alternate your weekends at each other's, without fail or compromise.

Don't allow him to silent treatment you into giving in and hosting yet again. Stay firm if you want this to change. It's easy to spend money if you have lots of disposable income. It's not easy to put time and effort into another person if you don't value them as equals.

Eddielzzard · 11/09/2021 07:32

Well either you sort this out or it's doomed - your words. So maybe it's a time for an ultimatum. You have been quite gentle and accommodating, but this is really pissing you off. It would piss me off too.

SummerWhisper · 11/09/2021 07:34

Also, you can only spend some time at his this weekend. The more I read his response, the more manipulative it reads. He isn't your Mr nice guy.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/09/2021 07:36

He hasn’t responded in a timeframe the OP thinks is acceptable.

I double-checked OP's posts & I'm still missing something. He replied as she posted his response. He hasn't replied since but so what? He said to come over, she can sort it today.

Otherwise she says he's lovely so I don't know what the massive deal is here.

RandomMess · 11/09/2021 07:37

You need to be straight up with him.

Either go this weekend or tell him that you are too pissed off about it to see him until next weekend. Tell him it's clear that he has a huge issue with you going to his at it's only been twice in 8 months so he clearly has a massive preference to be at yours and you want to know what it's really about.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/09/2021 07:38

I was merely wanting to get to the bottom of what the real issue is,

Honestly reading this, you sound far too focused on this and massively intrusive.

He has said you can come over. You either take that at face value & do it, or end it. It's not ok to question & interrogate him about what might be behind his decisions.