Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!)

Yeah, because no nerds ever have affairs. If only all the other women who got fooled new how easy liars are to spot.

I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there

Only an idiot would take you to his actual house. The reason you don't go often is because his friend who really lives there isn't going to lend it to him all the time.

Admittedly I've not read the entire thread, but there are a couple of things that bother me.

Not having sex when you see each other during the week,

Having diets that are so diametrically opposed that you cannot share the same meal. WTF? Even most vegetarians and carnivores can find some common ground, surely?

But most importantly :

He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!).

This is so odd. Are there issues between the two, or is it just another indication that he cannot connect with those who should be close to him?

Yup , I thought he's married or something similar , lying through his back teeth , it's all about him

8 months in and you should both be pretty comfortable in each other's house and able to communicate honestly and expect honest answers - he's sounds lovely until you read between the / his lines then it's all what suits him and batting you off with what he thinks you want to hear but glossed over promises that never actually happen in reality
I would take a bit of control over the situation rather than allowing it to drift on , make it more into the relationship YOU want

I would start to drop in on him unexpectedly- just for coffee / take back a book / you were passing and wanted to say hi and see what happens
OR
look elsewhere

I bloody hate how some people view "nerds" as nice, lovely (whatever that is) people. So called "nerds" come with their own peculiarities. Not all of them palatable.

It's like saying : she's an outgoing whirlwind of adventure type - love that! How do I stop her from being so "gobby" though!?

FFS - you either like the person, or you don't. Maybe anxious "nice" nerds are not for you? No blame here - wouldn't be for me.

He lives in a shit hole

@WhereYouLeftIt

"Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". "

To which the response is - 'That doesn't work for me this week'.

I'm ambivalent about his response to you.

You are always welcome to come to mine,
He says that, but you don't feel welcome. Because actually, you aren't welcome.

it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework …like last week.
What about your preferences? Don't they count? Just his?

I’m never saying that you can’t come to mine
He never says you can either

- I will just occasionally say that I’d prefer to come to yours if I feel that it’s a bit of a state here.
Occasionally? Every damned time, matey boy.

I know you say you don’t care and you’re sure it’s not actually that bad anyway (which is very kind of you!), but I just hate the thought of having anyone round and them being presented with mess.
I wonder if there's ever any mess. If he's so uptight about his precious house getting messy that he never sits down on the sofa in case it creases a cushion. (I have known people like that.)

If you want to spend some time here this weekend, you absolutely can …I’ll get cracking on the housework! 🙂
If. IF. IF.

As for cooking you a meal - that terrifies me, simply because I have such different food tastes to you and zero experience of cooking your types of food! That’s not to say I wouldn’t give it a go ..but I’d effectively be cooking blind, as I wouldn’t be able to tell if what I was cooking was actually any good. Xxx"
Cooking is women's work. I have no intention of practicing and getting good at it.

Here to say I wish I could send the texts I get to you!!!

You’d have me sorted out!

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Right now I don't feel in the right frame of mind to see him at all tomorrow. Feeling rather cross and disheartened! I feel like I'm at the bottom of his priority list. Even if I'm not, that's how he's making me feel. Which is the point I've been trying to make to him for ages.

I think you should explore why this is something you are prepared to jeopardise your relationship over. The explanation he has given seem reasonable but you seem to think that how he feels about you is somehow directly correlated with the extent to which he invites you to his home.

You approach of thinking that there must be equality in the time spent at each other’s homes might not be a sound one. Each person brings different things to a relationship and it is equality in the context of that difference you should be thinking about. In other words it ought to be about equality of effort rather that equality in terms of sameness.

However, it seems spending time at his home is a big deal and I hope the two of you can come to an arrangement.

He sounds incredibly entitled. Does he think your house magically cleans itself? And cooking - learn. Tidying your house and cooking are two basic things, which he's pushing onto you at 8 months dating.

@Why2why holding the relationship together isn’t a one woman job. She want what she wants. Why must she put that away in deference to his?

After all! She’s welcome anytime!

I don't know if you have ever watched the show catfish but plenty of 'nerds' are total liars. Just like the rest of the population has the potential to be selfish, so do nerdy people). There is no type to have affairs or lie. That's a very naive belief.

He could be married and have taken you to a friend's flat. He could have lied about his dad rarely visiting so you didn't think it was personal.

Have you met his family and friends?

Also he said he didn’t want to present “PEOPLE” with a mess.

The hell?

At this point it should be about how he feels about YOU.

I’ve suffered extreme depression where my place was too messy to show for shame of my own inability. Still not an excuse mind you, just how I dealt with it. As I got a bit better and met someone, after a bit of time I opened up about it. We now work as a team to make us happy.

Nerds do lie. I was taken in. I get I’m just words on the screen to you. But these nerds are actually the worst. They have something to prove, intelligence, and….. a good cover.

He is practiced. Don’t even get me on the dead parent excuse many of us have had the same situation. It’s not an excuse, it’s something you work through.

Nothing about YOU, I guess you’re lumped into people. What do I know? Surely this fumbling nerd who can’t quite handle making you dinner is your knight.

Test him.

[quote JustKittenAround]@Why2why holding the relationship together isn’t a one woman job. She want what she wants. Why must she put that away in deference to his?

After all! She’s welcome anytime![/quote]
If this is the mindset then it would be hard to sustain the relationship. He could equally say the same thing. He wants what he wants, etc and why should he compromise.

In any relationship, whether romantic or not, we engage in compromise and determine what our red lines are, what we can tolerate with a degree of gritted teeth and what we are fairly neutral about (where irritations are concern). It’s not about a person being the only one to sustain a relationship but rather what anyone person is deciding they will put of with. The choice to stay or go should always be seen as a resting with each person. If you are unhappy you leave rather than engage in a belief that you have a sole responsibility to keep the relationship together.

If this man isn’t big on inviting the OP regularly to his home at this stage for whatever reason and if that is a big deal for her, then better to move on. No point in engaging in a constant fight to get him to invite her. It will only lead to bitterness and resentment on both sides. Unless he has asked her to take on the obligation to fix his preference (as he states it) then she has no reason to think that she is under a burden to hold the relationship together. She must always retain the freedom to leave if she is not happy instead of thinking she must battle to fix things.

He sounds a knob. He's only nice and amazing and gentle etc because he's getting everything his own way.
You've asked him several times about going to his house and he's made it weird and awkward.
He's showing you how he will respond every time you ask him to make any changes which accommodate your needs or wants.
I also believe that if he hosts you at his this time it will be the last time until you start the whole cycle again.
Happy to be proven wrong

Perhaps he is incredibly messy and untidy. That he needs a whole day to clean properly before anyone sees it. At home, my house is in a state. If we know someone is coming we have to spend the day cleaning it! People would never know how bad the house was before they came.

@famousforwrongreason

He sounds a knob. He's only nice and amazing and gentle etc because he's getting everything his own way. You've asked him several times about going to his house and he's made it weird and awkward. He's showing you how he will respond every time you ask him to make any changes which accommodate your needs or wants. I also believe that if he hosts you at his this time it will be the last time until you start the whole cycle again. Happy to be proven wrong

I agree but wonder why the home visits is turning into a make or break situation when the OP says he makes an effort in other ways - paying for groceries and miscellaneous, taking her out to dinner, etc.

However, if the house visit swapping is a red line situation then the OP should move on because it does not sound like this cycle will end. I don’t think there is any point in trying to change a person, in the strange belief that you have some sole obligation to hold the relationship together.

I think there is a clue in that his Dad has only been to his once in 7 years, and his nerdiness.

He may have some awkwardness or issues about his space and it might not necessarily be about wanting to be waited on etc, as he doesn’t seem to take the piss wrt generosity etc.

Has he ever lived with a partner?

@Why2why I’m sure the op would feel less strongly if he jumped up after she’s cooked at hers to clean up, or if he turned up with food and cooked her a meal. But her house seems to equal she does the work. If a guy cooked regularly for me at theirs I’d be helping clean the kitchen afterwards!

He expects you to look after him as befits your womanly role. I'd hate this.

One thing I have learnt from MN is that some people with mental/ emotional issues - cannot cope with people in their houses. Possibly related to OCD issues. I’ve come across several cases here.

Women here have described experiencing overwhelming anxiety and discomfort over people, including family members in their space. The feeling their home has to be perfect and immaculate for people to enter, which then requires a lot of stressful cleaning beforehand of a house that is already clean and tidy. And the feeling that once someone has come in from outside - the house then needs to be cleaned and tidied again.

I wouldn’t have known it was a thing if I hadn’t seen multiple cases describing the same thing.

The fact that his dad hasn’t been either suggests this isn’t personal to you and it’s his problem.

That said I’m not happy with his excuse that he’d prefer to come to yours after a hectic week when you too may have had a hectic week and prefer not to host. His comment about cooking is just a cop out.

You need further serious discussion to get the bottom of this. Face to face. Texting just leads to misunderstanding.

I think this is really really odd. 8 months and not going to his? Actually his comments seem open and lovely but they really aren’t. You being at his should be automatic and that you are welcome. Now he’s got you offering to help him do the hosting at his whilst you do it all at yours! I’d pick up the phone and talk to hi but hold your ground. He’s a grown man he can use a cookbook and had survived up until now. So I’d say this weekend let’s do yours and do not raise a finger to do housework etc and then next weekend say actually I enjoyed yours let’s do it again I need to feel more welcome at yours and then after a couple of weeks suggest alternating but never ever do more than 50/50 going forward.

The only men that ever did this to me we’re either lazy entitled or not single

[quote timeisnotaline]@Why2why I’m sure the op would feel less strongly if he jumped up after she’s cooked at hers to clean up, or if he turned up with food and cooked her a meal. But her house seems to equal she does the work. If a guy cooked regularly for me at theirs I’d be helping clean the kitchen afterwards![/quote]
If the OP is not happy with the ways things are, including him not helping with the house work then it is nest to move on rather than engage in a battle to change what’s clearly on offer.

The relationship is only 8 months. He is uncomfortable with people coming to his home and prefers contributing by paying for things and taking her out, instead of cleaning up after dinner, etc. If the OP isn’t happy with this, end this 8 months relationship and find someone else more compatible.

Also OP I think your text rather glossed over some of the actual issues.

I think you need to say further that this is not just about not being invited to his but a fundamental inequality in the relationship that you have all the work of hosting, cooking and tidying up and he has none. And that he doesn’t even seem to be aware this might be a problem.

That his response has simply raised more concerns rather than quelling them.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Screaming ME ME ME. If he were so poor at reading hints, he wouldn’t be so good at giving them.

You are still trying to accommodate him and make his life easy, eg you’ll eat shop bought pizza rather than expecting him to cook, whilst he continues to be difficult at every turn.

He’s got you incredibly well trained, hasn’t he? I really hope his gentle, chivalrous exterior is finally being worn down to expose a man, who only deals with you on your terms.

And please, stop falling for the losing a parent as a child excuse. Plenty of us did and are still able to function as adults. He is using it as an excuse to manipulate you. As someone, who myself lost a parent as a child, it is really distasteful.

@TatianaBis

One thing I have learnt from MN is that some people with mental/ emotional issues - cannot cope with people in their houses. Possibly related to OCD issues. I’ve come across several cases here.

Women here have described experiencing overwhelming anxiety and discomfort over people, including family members in their space. The feeling their home has to be perfect and immaculate for people to enter, which then requires a lot of stressful cleaning beforehand of a house that is already clean and tidy. And the feeling that once someone has come in from outside - the house then needs to be cleaned and tidied again.

I wouldn’t have known it was a thing if I hadn’t seen multiple cases describing the same thing.

The fact that his dad hasn’t been either suggests this isn’t personal to you and it’s his problem.

That said I’m not happy with his excuse that he’d prefer to come to yours after a hectic week when you too may have had a hectic week and prefer not to host. His comment about cooking is just a cop out.

You need further serious discussion to get the bottom of this. Face to face. Texting just leads to misunderstanding.

I agree this could be the case Tatiana. But if op tries to get to the bottom of it or accommodate him, he is going to wind up as op’s pet project to fix. He is not yet even aware that he should change if he wants to be a good bf and is neither be honest about his feelings nor concerned about op’s.

Idk how old she is, my instinct is that she’s still young enough to want to settle down and perhaps have a family. In this case, I wouldn’t be wasting precious time trying to fix someone like this.

Read some of the replies. I agree it’s some kind of OCD or something similar . I think he has a problem letting others into his space , you have mentioned his father as well so it’s not just you . He is not relaxed unless it’s immaculate and everything is in its place. Sounds to me you should not take it personally and it’s not worth throwing him under a bus for if he is lovely in other ways .