Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

Ask him directly-what if you don’t feel like doing the housework that week?And you’re tired of hosting?

This.

It doesn’t sound like he gives a shit about what you feel-it’s all about him.

He has told me before that he doesn't pick up on subtle hints and I need to be direct with him.

I don't like this either, it's putting all the onus on you again.

Nah, bin him off, OP, he's a serious tight wad who wants his place all clean and organised and wants to slum it round at yours so he doesn't have the bother of tidying up.

Also it's seriously uncool to keep going on about housework, urgh that's a real turn off. Next he'll be wanting to compare furniture polish and the price of dish clothes

It can be good to say "no" just to find out how he responds to your preferences and boundaries. It sounds like he feels comfortable inviting himself to your house. Perhaps just say "okay, let me know when suits to come to yours" and see how he responds. If you don't feel comfortable with him coming to your house (for any reason at all, including that you feel annoyed with him) then you can just do what he's doing. Say you'd rather not, suggest going out instead, do whatever feels right.

As an aside he sounds like he could be quite inflexible generally, which could be difficult if you want a more committed relationship with someone.

I was brought up in a kip. Loads of love but a kip
I'm still
Weird about anyone coming over .this
May be an issue?

I won't mention it again. I'll just cut off emotionally from him and then we're doomed.

^ this needs work OP. You recognise this style of trying to work through conflict will eventually sabotage even the best relationship if you are with someone who is similar to you.

That is a side issue though! At the moment his reply seems to be quite concerning. It's veering on the " you do adulting better than me" -but really means " I can't handle the effort and stress this (or any future life challenge!) is going to cause me so would rather put it on you "

He may not be aware of what he's doing but this is all a red flag to me.

He has told me before that he doesn't pick up on subtle hints and I need to be direct with him

Sounds like he might be the sort of person that would do fuck all housework if you lived together and would say things like, ‘I just don’t notice when things need doing, you just need to tell me…’

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to put in the effort to tidy his place up, so he lets you put in the effort to tidy YOUR place up for when you get together. It could also be that he doesn't like people in his "space," which might be ok, but how does that work for the long-term (I assume your goal is a long-term relationship or marriage)?

What is your gut feeling about it? You don't have to be able to put it into words, but if you just feel, "something about this is off-putting, or makes me uncomfortable" then that is useful information.

Lost my long post! Bugger.

I'm a person who doesn't get hints nuance subtext etc. How my family are. DH family do that and DH has to translate a lot. I think they struggle with me a bit too!

So it's a thing for sure.

However.

He is not being straightforward. At all. He is hinting. Trying to say he doesn't want you to come without saying it. That cooking stuff. Manipulation/ hint.

As a sledgehammer I would say something like thanks I'm bored of my own cooking and I want to come to yours. We can get a takeaway. Probably because I wouldn't even notice the hint I'd take the 'compliment' at face value and think no more of it.

So he's not actually direct at all. He's using it as an excuse.

Additionally you DID tell him you were pissed off it was never at his. He invited you once and that was that.

I sense OP that you feel uncomfy with saying things to him that spell it out. And earlier on you were regretting maybe putting him on the spot.

I don't know what's going on with him obv but I do think-

The blunt thing is an excuse. And I suspect he knows it's hard for you to do that. Handy.

When you did speak in a straightforward way he gave a nod to what you wanted then never again.

I'm worried you're a bit doormatty. You worry too much about him and what he means and you don't want conflict etc.
You need to think more of what you want.

And sorry again. But 8 months is a pretty long time and you're not communicating with each other in an open comfy way. Which I think is not promising at all.

His issues are not yours to fix OP.

@yellowrattle

Just a suggestion and I could be totally off ... if everything is really tidy he might find it stressful to have anyone in his space/ moving stuff etc.

This is my thought- OCD?

Though he could just want hou to do it all at yours

@NiceGerbil

Additionally you DID tell him you were pissed off it was never at his. He invited you once and that was that.

I sense OP that you feel uncomfy with saying things to him that spell it out. And earlier on you were regretting maybe putting him on the spot.

I don't know what's going on with him obv but I do think-

The blunt thing is an excuse. And I suspect he knows it's hard for you to do that. Handy.

When you did speak in a straightforward way he gave a nod to what you wanted then never again.

I'm worried you're a bit doormatty. You worry too much about him and what he means and you don't want conflict etc.
You need to think more of what you want.

And sorry again. But 8 months is a pretty long time and you're not communicating with each other in an open comfy way. Which I think is not promising at all.

Yes this. If you can't be direct with your SO then when can you ever be? You should be able to state how you fele instead of dancing around. You feel what you feel and shouldn't have to hide it.

I don't get how his house could be such a mess if there's only him there ?
I live with two messy teenagers and a menagerie of animals, so l don't find this excuse plausible.
I would have questioned it a lot sooner, if he's not responding it shows you've pulled the rug from under his feet. It will be interesting to see if he keeps to the script on the text, or if another excuse is imminent.

After 8 months unless hardly see each other. I'd think it would be a comfy, take as find thing.

OP I know you like him a lot but the more I think about it the more I think it doesn't sound like how a relationship generally progresses in terms of comfortable with each other. And he's not being direct. You have been. He essentially ignored what you said.

As a rule of thumb in life, people who are like "I'm honest and need telling like it is and tell it like it is myself and just play it straight" are sneaky manipulative cunts - if you DO tell them it like it is, they ignore you or get pissed off.

@SpringlikeBunk

As a rule of thumb in life, people who are like "I'm honest and need telling like it is and tell it like it is myself and just play it straight" are sneaky manipulative cunts - if you DO tell them it like it is, they ignore you or get pissed off.

This is very true.

SpringlikeBunk

I bristled a bit there even though I'm sure it wasn't aimed at my PP!

Then I thought.

I've never said that to anyone (except one person). Because I just don't register hints/ subtlety/ subtext.

And I also ask direct questions (in a nice way!) and give direct honest answers.

So anyone I know even a bit and get on with knows that quite quick and they like me, goes with it.

It's useful in that seeing threads on here about was this a put down etc I never even notice so am spared that worry. OTOH it makes me shit at playing the politics game at work.

But I don't say this to people. Ever apart from one. I wouldn't think to. Wouldn't cross my mind.

The one I said it to is DH when he kept saying oh cousin X wants to do y. Sis wants to come over see the kids soon. And I'd be. When did they say that? And it was all in coded hints that went straight past me and so now he translates and I've got him to be a bit more direct with me as well.

Thing is. This bloke isn't being direct at all. He's doing all the things that would fly straight past and I'd carry on like a steamroller.

So he's lying.

And OP was direct and he essentially ignored her.

He's not being honest. Whatever game he's playing it's fucking with OP head and he's lying about his personality.

Not good at all.

Sorry OP I don't like that answer either. It's all about him. And how much housework does one person generate? Do you have a really unusual diet as it sounded Soooooo hard for him to cook for you. Something doesn't feel right to me.

And I didn't like his dismissing your concerns and telling you you're being silly (from your original post).

@NiceGerbil

I meant people who externally feel the need to make the statement which I'm sure you dont!

It's passive aggressive as it then sets up a situation where if the other person makes a perfectly reasonable comment they've created a narrative where the other person is just "communicating badly" or "being sensitive ".

Like Harry Enfield's psycho Yorkshireman

Ha yeah I remember that!

The more I think about it. As a person who is like a steamroller.

The more I think he's taking advantage of OP.

OP it's not good.

Let us know what happens tomorrow/ or if he replies? Good luck :)

@NiceGerbil

SpringlikeBunk

I bristled a bit there even though I'm sure it wasn't aimed at my PP!

Then I thought.

I've never said that to anyone (except one person). Because I just don't register hints/ subtlety/ subtext.

And I also ask direct questions (in a nice way!) and give direct honest answers.

So anyone I know even a bit and get on with knows that quite quick and they like me, goes with it.

It's useful in that seeing threads on here about was this a put down etc I never even notice so am spared that worry. OTOH it makes me shit at playing the politics game at work.

But I don't say this to people. Ever apart from one. I wouldn't think to. Wouldn't cross my mind.

The one I said it to is DH when he kept saying oh cousin X wants to do y. Sis wants to come over see the kids soon. And I'd be. When did they say that? And it was all in coded hints that went straight past me and so now he translates and I've got him to be a bit more direct with me as well.

Thing is. This bloke isn't being direct at all. He's doing all the things that would fly straight past and I'd carry on like a steamroller.

So he's lying.

And OP was direct and he essentially ignored her.

He's not being honest. Whatever game he's playing it's fucking with OP head and he's lying about his personality.

Not good at all.

Don't worry am sure you're nice! People who say they 'don't get hints' as you said don't give them either. He just handed her a bloody word salad on a platter... not yummy!

I am glad you’ve confronted it, but if this is going to work clearly there is more confronting to do. ‘Occasional preferences is one thing, but the evidence is pretty clear you seem to have a pretty permanent preference and that doesn’t work for me. Unless you’ve been dragging yourself over to mine because you think that’s what I want, in whcih case you don’t have to put yourself through that any more as it’s really not what I want. Also, it would be different id you cooked or cleaned at mine sometimes but you don’t, and I’m left doing all the work which isn’t my idea of a balanced relationship.

Interesting to see how this weekend goes!

Have you ever just asked him why?

Sorry never mind just seen you got a reply. In that case he sounds a bit neurotic tbh