Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 10/09/2021 20:38

I know someone who had this. Eventually they moved in together and she ended up living in a pig sty. He couldn't be arsed cleaning but wouldn't contribute to a cleaner so my friend either had to live in a state or do it herself. Crap!

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 20:38

@OnlySpam no the dogs would not come with me - they can go to my parents if I stayed the night (they're ok at home alone for a few hours or my family would look in on them if I was just out for the evening).

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 10/09/2021 20:43

I have a male friend like this. He's very protective of his space and is very guarded, verging on secretive about it. When I first met him and we started talking, he wouldn't even say where he lived (his answer was "not too far from here"). We became friends and he'd spend time at mine. He always pulled his weight - he'd cook at mine and/or bring ingredients for dinner. If we were out, he'd bring packed lunch for us both and flasks of tea etc. But he was super-protective about his home. It took almost 6 months before he invited me over to his for dinner. It was like I was finally trusted and invited to his inner circle. We still spend most of our time at mine (I live more centrally and nearer to our gym etc) and he's much more relaxed at mine. I give him my spare keys sometimes to let himself in and it's like I've handed him molten lava. Despite the keys, he always calls to say he's waiting outside. But he's a good guy and utterly trustworthy. He just likes his privacy and I respect that.

Much harder if you're in a relationship though!

AffableApple · 10/09/2021 20:49

He just likes his own space. Maybe one thing at a time - get him to cook a meal for you at yours? You live close to each other, you say; so Saturday at yours and Sunday at his this weekend to start? I can see why you're upset, but he's said you can come round, he's just hesitant. If as you say he ain't one for being a "womaniser", he may not be used to sharing his space. Give him a bit of time and room, but tell him you need him eventually to be able to share his space with you. He sounds like a good guy, OP. We all have our foibles. He's clean and tidy and not married. He'll relax soon enough.

Cam001 · 10/09/2021 20:52

Thanks for talking to me about what’s on your mind. You are always welcome to come to mine, it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework …like last week. I’m never saying that you can’t come to mine - I will just occasionally say that I’d prefer to come to yours if I feel that it’s a bit of a state here.

Sorry but I don't like this response. You've been invited to his ONCE! You see him midweek and every weekend and yet he says he "sometimes" prefers to come to yours and "occasionally" prefers to come to yours. That's just bollocks really isn't it? And he's hardly rolling the red carpet out is he? He sounds pretty reluctant to have you at his. If you think he's worth it you will need to be very firm about your boundaries and expectations. My opinion is he can't be bothered with the effort and mess involved in hosting, but apparently you shouldn't have any issue with it.

FlatteredFool · 10/09/2021 20:53

Oh dear Lord, he's hard work. Sod all this hand wringing. The cooking thing says it all-he can't be arsed to even try and his reply firmly tells you that you are making him uncomfortable even asking for these things so in other words he's saying not to ask him again. He likes the status quo. He's training you to accept that you will do the lion's share of all the domestic drudgery because he's had a hard day bless him and needs waiting on. I got into a similar situation. Does his name begin with D? Although his house was a pigsty.

NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 20:55

And she's already said straight out that it pissed her off that it was never his place

And he asked her once and then not again.

That's rubbish.

The relationship sounds generally like hard work to me. After 8 months people are generally way more relaxed with each other.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 20:58

He’s definitely hiding something.
Has everything been good so far - have you ever argued or had a conflict of opinion?
Ask him directly- what if you don’t feel like doing the housework that week? And you’re tired of hosting?
Is he going to step up?
You must tell him frankly that the burden is on all of you!
And what’s with all the overly polite language in the text good Lord…

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 21:00

Also to add OP - from what you’ve said I think he’s a good guy and this may be a quirk. But he has to come up with a solution so that the burden isn’t all on you! Maybe pay for a takeaway, or help clean up etc when he’s there.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 10/09/2021 21:11

He has his space and that’s how he likes it. Unless he gets the hint and starts inviting you over then you can take it as read that he’s happy with the existing personal space boundaries. If you’re not then you’ll have to make that call because at the moment you’re the one making the compromises to fit in with his preferences.

How old are you both? I think that is relevant.

HerrenaHarridan · 10/09/2021 21:16

I had this with a pervious partner

When we worked it all through turned out they just didn’t feel they had anything to offer Their home wasn’t a loving place to host but a stressful place of jobs and should have dones… a place they hid when they felt depressed

So they didn’t feel very inspired to invite people over

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 21:16

He's now not replying to me so I might have touched a nerve!

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 21:18

Don't fold.

When are you seeing him?

If tomorrow just text tomorrow and say I dunno. Looking forward to seeing you I'll be there in a couple of hours.

NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 21:18

It's easy to give advice when it's not you though!

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 21:21

Right now I don't feel in the right frame of mind to see him at all tomorrow. Feeling rather cross and disheartened! I feel like I'm at the bottom of his priority list. Even if I'm not, that's how he's making me feel. Which is the point I've been trying to make to him for ages.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 10/09/2021 21:25

His message sounds like you're always at his and he likes to 'go to yours sometimes'. Sometimes! Sometimes? He's always at yours. I think I'd respond with 'that's lovely then, I'll see you at yours tomorrow, let's make it one weekend at mine, and one weekend at your, that way we both get a break eow'

I get that sometimes people feel anxious with others in their homes, I hate hosting friends or family and find it stressful, but I do it often as it's not fair to be the guest all the time.

NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 21:25

Well you said I want to come he said fine.

You both seem to be not at all straightforward with each other. That's not good.

He said yes so go and have a good time. Don't bring it up unless he does.. When you leave say I'd like to alternate let's do that.

He could be lacking in confidence, anxious, lazy, who knows. Just prefer your place. Speculating is not much point.

But it's not right you doing all the work and it's not right you said this is pissing me off and he then invited you once.

He's not listening to you and he's not being straightforward with you.

You need to put your foot down! And if he makes excuses, doesn't stick to it, etc etc. Then you are definitely not his priority no.

SpringlikeBunk · 10/09/2021 21:27

That message sounds as paggro and gaslighting as fuck.

There are - sadly - a lot of guys on the dating scene who prefer women to "take on the mental load" of hosting and they can "have the upper hand" and just drop in whenever and have 100% access to their woman's life. This guy sounds like no exception.

Sure if you've been on three meets and yours was "very convenient" as a one-off, but he's clearly "thought about this and tried to engineer things so coming to yours is the default option"

Whilst sending the unspoken message that their important manly life is "theirs and private". If he decides to leave, your personal space will be full of reminders of him and he can pick up his uninterrupted life straight away.

The verbal gymnastics to make himself sound like he's a "nice well-mannered sensitive guy who just wants you to come to a perfect home" are ridiculous.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 21:29

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Right now I don't feel in the right frame of mind to see him at all tomorrow. Feeling rather cross and disheartened! I feel like I'm at the bottom of his priority list. Even if I'm not, that's how he's making me feel. Which is the point I've been trying to make to him for ages.
It’s okay OP - how he responds to this will tell you a lot about him. Conflict management is the true test of a relationship.

Everybody can be nice, kind, considerate when their own needs are met. What they do when they have to compromise is more important. But nobody can tell you what to do. You have to trust your gut as to whether he’s lazy or there’s some underlying issue as with @HerrenaHarridan

jeannie46 · 10/09/2021 21:29

Not surprised you're 'cross and disheartened'. You're not even his FWB rather SWB - servant with benefits. After fitting in with him for 8 months it's not going to change now. Look elsewhere asap. Good luck.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2021 21:30

I also don’t like his response. It’s all about him. He doesn’t want to get behind in housework. Nothing about all the pressure that it puts on you to host all the time. No empathy at all
And to be honest, if he was pulling his weight at your place (cleaning up if you cook or helping you cook) this wouldn’t be such an issue for you. I don’t think he is a good bet sorry. There is a huge lack of thoughtfulness and willingness to be a team together.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2021 21:31

Ps I’d give him a month without raising it again and if nothing changed I’d bail

SpringlikeBunk · 10/09/2021 21:34

WTF is up with the "faux" praise as well?

"Darling you're so good at cooking it's like an amazing experience so that's why I don't do it"

Message I'm getting: "ITS YOUR FUCKING JOB IT'S BENEATH ME TO DO IT"

(I can't cook that well though getting better.

If it's my turn to host someone, I plan/buy something non-offensive, present it nicely, bolster it with bread and pudding and alcohol, and it works fine? It's not a Dark Art).

DHandInterview · 10/09/2021 21:44

I'm sorry OP I don't think it's a good reply either, I agree with what most others have pointed out. I think he likes having his own space but then access to you and yours when he wants it. You are setting things up now for how your relationship will be going forward, if you don't stand firm now then you will be ten years down the line, living together, cooking every meal and "hosting" him in his own home.

You sound lovely and you deserve better.

pollypocketlover · 10/09/2021 22:00

@Rainbowqueeen

I also don’t like his response. It’s all about him. He doesn’t want to get behind in housework. Nothing about all the pressure that it puts on you to host all the time. No empathy at all And to be honest, if he was pulling his weight at your place (cleaning up if you cook or helping you cook) this wouldn’t be such an issue for you. I don’t think he is a good bet sorry. There is a huge lack of thoughtfulness and willingness to be a team together.
This. Also he should be offering to have you over, otherwise you're never going to really feel welcome. This 'you're welcome to come over whenever you want but I'm never going to invite you myself and just know you'll be putting me out as I'll have to spend tons of time cleaning' malarkey isn't good enough coming from a grown man.

Also, being nerdy, shy, or having OCD are not acceptable reasons for treating your partner poorly. I'm all three of these things and it hasn't turned me into someone who expects to constantly be hosted and not do any cooking or cleaning when I'm at someone else's house.