Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

It's very obvious that he comes to you becuse he thinks you should be "looking atter" him and he doesn't want to do any legwork/put in any effort. Strong misogynist vibes here. I'd have serious concerns

Sadly his mum died about 20 years ago so he's had no one else to cheer him on (he has to a lot of running round after his dad). He's also an only child so probably was the apple of his mum's eye when he was young. I suspect he's become rather set in his ways.

Really don't agree that's a good reply, sorry.

You can spent time here "if you want"... he's pushing it all back on you. If he's happy with you he should want to host you and want you in his personal space.

I worked for a really lovely academic once who almost never held meetings in his own office. Most people didn’t notice, were very happy that he made the effort to visit their office (super senior guy, world famous, and in the academic world it’s usual to use the most senior person’s office because a) it’s usually better and b) it’s good manners, so people were probably feeling quite happy he was willing to come to them).

Anyway, I sometimes used to book time with him and say I was going to his office. Which was fine, he’s lovely and charming. His office is immaculate, but every time I went to see him in it I got the slight impression I was intruding. I think his office was just some kind of sanctuary and he didn’t really invite people into it because I think he liked it to be his space.

Ditto his house, never been, but have been to many other academics’ houses. He’s very generous, lots of group meals, but never at his.

So I really think this guy could just be a bit like that, it’s his space, it’s not his preference and maybe doesn’t occur to him that you might want to be in it. He’s actually much happier and comfortable coming to you.

Since you seem quite sure it’s not that he has a secret wife or any other reason to keep you away that would be my assumption.

You've been seeing each other for 8 months which is a pretty long time.

Usually people are more relaxed with each other after that long.

That you had to ask on here and think about what to do and decide what to say etc feels like you aren't really that comfy with him to me.

By that point I'd think most people would have said. Eg when he called and said on way. No we'll go to yours tonight I'll be there at 7 or whatever.

Or just look it's a bit annoying it's always mine feels a bit strange tbh let's take it in turns.

Or whatever.

Have you met his family/friends?

As for why he always wants to come to yours who knows. Only he can tell you that.

Could be anything

He finds your place more cosy/ relaxing
He feels more relaxed when not having you at his place. Going to others houses is usually more relaxing tbh
He's a clean freak
He's got a room full of gimp outfits
He likes having you 'hosting' (although after 8 months it shouldn't be that way imo)
He's going out with the woman next door as well

I mean who knows.

Go to his and say. We're alternating to make it feel balanced. I like getting away from mine as well.

I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework

I would reply, yes, I feel like that too, which is why I’d prefer it if we alternated.

That's a good answer, I think he sounds lovely.

Suggest you plan to stay tomorrow and have fun finding something you can cook and eat together- surely your diets can't be that different?!

I have acknowledged his anxieties but said I am a bit similar which is why it would be nice for me to come to his and to feel like he wants me there, I don't want to beg!! I've sent him a list of very simple meals - such as burger and chips, pizza, pasta... I mean, anything would be fine! I am seriously not that fussy, there's only a few things I can't eat and he knows very well what they are.

And he is very lovely, I just think he might be a bit out of practice with women and need some guiding! He has told me before that he doesn't pick up on subtle hints and I need to be direct with him.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

To me, he sounded like he was ticking a lot of boxes before you sent your email and I like his reply, too. No-one's perfect and it sounds like there's a lot here that's good.

As for: "He has told me before that he doesn't pick up on subtle hints and I need to be direct with him" - I don't know a single man who picks up on subtle hints. Probably because men don't tend to deal in subtle hints themselves whereas it's a very natural language for women. In my experience, you really need to spell it out with men. That's what you did on this occasion and it seems to me that it went well.

Good luck, OP. Have fun at his place this weekend!

"Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". "

To which the response is - 'That doesn't work for me this week'.

I'm ambivalent about his response to you.

You are always welcome to come to mine,
He says that, but you don't feel welcome. Because actually, you aren't welcome.

it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework …like last week.
What about your preferences? Don't they count? Just his?

I’m never saying that you can’t come to mine
He never says you can either

- I will just occasionally say that I’d prefer to come to yours if I feel that it’s a bit of a state here.
Occasionally? Every damned time, matey boy.

I know you say you don’t care and you’re sure it’s not actually that bad anyway (which is very kind of you!), but I just hate the thought of having anyone round and them being presented with mess.
I wonder if there's ever any mess. If he's so uptight about his precious house getting messy that he never sits down on the sofa in case it creases a cushion. (I have known people like that.)

If you want to spend some time here this weekend, you absolutely can …I’ll get cracking on the housework! 🙂
If. IF. IF.

As for cooking you a meal - that terrifies me, simply because I have such different food tastes to you and zero experience of cooking your types of food! That’s not to say I wouldn’t give it a go ..but I’d effectively be cooking blind, as I wouldn’t be able to tell if what I was cooking was actually any good. Xxx"
Cooking is women's work. I have no intention of practicing and getting good at it.

I keep veering from thinking I've not been firm enough to worrying I'm being a bit hard on him. But it's making me unhappy so that's reason enough to say something.

He’s OCD clean freak? I had a friend like this. Exactly the same. House was immaculate and had to be every time I visited. She much preferred visiting as when I was at hers, even putting tea on a coaster on the table caused her anxiety. I reckon he’s OCD.

I don't think I could cope with that. My dad is like that and it destroyed my childhood.

I feel like saying to him I'll come next weekend instead if he needs that long to "prepare"

I wonder if he doesn’t like anyone in his space contaminating it…

This isn't complicated surely? Or maybe it's just a difference in how people are with each other in relationships.

After 8 months you had to send him a list of what you eat? I know you have dietary requirements but he must know? And if he didn't somehow. I'd have thought he'd just say ok what shall I get you to eat when you come round.

He says he direct but you seem to be reluctant. I think if this is going to go anywhere you need to take him at his word and be blunt. Straightforward. Not rude obv.

When you go to his at the end say. That was really nice. It was good to get away from home. Let's alternate. So mine next weekend and yours the week after that.

Easy.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I feel like saying to him I'll come next weekend instead if he needs that long to "prepare"

No no don't fold. He's a grown man. Stop running around after him.

Just get a takeaway, bottle of wine, watch TV and both try and relax a bit at his place tomorrow night, you dont have to stay overnight, dont make it too complicated. It's supposed to be fun.

Reads to me like he doesn't like people in his house. Nothing personal. If his dad has only visited once in 7 years too.

Maybe there's some mental health reason or other neurological reason behind it.

He sounds lovely. But he just hates people in his personal space. Ask him about it. Gently! Don't be a bull in a China shop about it. It could be something that's fixable.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I feel like saying to him I'll come next weekend instead if he needs that long to "prepare"

He shouldn't need any longer than you to prepare! You've done it almost every other time so he should be keen to return the favour

Am I right in reading that you have two dogs you'd have to take to his house for the weekend if you stayed?

That would probably not be something I would want that's for sure

It sounds too much like hard work. I know you want to make it work but he seems to lack empathy. You have to do for him but its a big problem if he has to do for you.

I'd get out whilst it's still early days.