Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

• Passive agressive reply re cleaning
• Telling you not to be silly when expressing your thoughts
• Lying about reality - "sometimes want to come to yours" when its 95% of time.
• Being horrified about propspect of cooking for you.
• Incredulous that you worked a full day.

All red flags to me.

He may gave OCD/ASD whatever but there are still loads of red flags. I'd expect a bf to be cooking/washing up/ordering takeaway/taking me out for a meal at least half the time. Not letting me do ALL the work EVERY time. I'm getting some controlling vibes here too.

OP your instincts are spot on. Please ignore posters telling you things aren't that bad etc.

I get a vibe of him thinking “oh, cheese works for herself so she must have lots of spare time. I’m a lot busier and am super busy at work, lm sure it’s easier for her to cook and host”. I know people in my life forget l also work hard! But l am organised and plan things well.
Good luck with it all and don’t accept excuses from him

Good on you for making it clear he’s hosting tonight. It did tickle me when he made the point about sometimes going to yours. He’s acting like you got to his all the time?!

I hope he just says honestly I can't be arsed tonight and then you'll decide to move on. The more you post the worse it gets sadly.

No point going to a bar because he doesn't drink? WTF?

Utterly selfish misogynistic twat.

OP. Get dressed up in a way that makes you feel confident. Go to his tonight. Ask him where your meal is if necessary. Ask why he's happy for you to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning after your long days, including Saturdays. Sit back and listen to the rubbish excuses. And then leave.

And don't see him again.

Please if you do go tonight to talk to him, ask him about the assumptions that you swan around all day, sunbathing and shopping.

Personally, I would find that pretty insulting if applied to my free-time generally, even worse to assume it is what I am doing when I am actually working!!! What a cheek! I would be raging about that. Please ask him directly and don't fill the silence, see what he comes up with.

Yes, do what @colouringindoors said.

At the very least there’s complete incompatibility between you from what you described. He’s expecting a very different arrangement about how you spend time from what you expect. If you go there are you going to end it and leave? It might be better not to go if that’s the plan and have a phone call instead.

@Unsure33

Read some of the replies. I agree it’s some kind of OCD or something similar . I think he has a problem letting others into his space , you have mentioned his father as well so it’s not just you . He is not relaxed unless it’s immaculate and everything is in its place. Sounds to me you should not take it personally and it’s not worth throwing him under a bus for if he is lovely in other ways .

I don’t understand why people keep saying this? Yes, he might have some kind of OCD, but that does not explain why he hasn’t cooked for OP at her house OR offered to clean up afterwards. OCD is no excuse for such terrible manners.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I've just remembered another excuse he gave a while ago "there's more to do near yours". That may be but we both have cars and legs. When I suggested once before we went to a local restaurant for dinner near mine that it would be nice to try a new bar beforehand for one drink he dismissed this idea as HE doesn't drink "so there's not much point" he then went back to watching whatever was on TV while I sat there all dressed up feeling like a twat.

So he's a bit boring, likes to delegate all hosting to you, doesn't cook, is a fussy eater, thinks you're lazy, undervalues and underestimates your work, goes to bed early without you on a Saturday night, constantly prioritises his own preferences over yours, is passive aggressive if you assert your own preferences, won't compromise, can't anticipate your needs and complains he has to clean up his own mess in his own house.

What a catch

"OCD is no excuse for such terrible manners."

Nor Misogyny!

@EL8888

I get a vibe of him thinking “oh, cheese works for herself so she must have lots of spare time. I’m a lot busier and am super busy at work, lm sure it’s easier for her to cook and host”. I know people in my life forget l also work hard! But l am organised and plan things well. Good luck with it all and don’t accept excuses from him

I’m actually more conscious of a self employed person’s time because they have deadlines etc to meet for clients! I can just hand over to my colleagues if I want a day off 😎

This guy’s a twat

Honestly OP, is this really what you want your relationship to be going forward? Being with someone who will never cook for you or go out for a meal sounds a bit rubbish. I think always having to wait on someone would drive me nuts, and I wouldn’t consider living together to be a future possibility. If he’s not willing to go the extra mile (and you’re really not asking for much) for you now when it’s early days, he’s not going to in a few years is he? You could alternatively find another nice bloke who will spoil you, and cook lovely meals for you, and at least show some indication that they will treat you like an equal partner going forward, rather than their personal chef and maid. LTB.

I've only read OP's posts, but his 'you coming here means I have to prepare for a guest' rather misses the point that... so do you. And his 'you can come here if you want all you have to do is say' rather mises the point that is not being invited and it is rubbish to invite yourself somewhere and have it accepted - that's a totally different thing!

I think he is being selfish and dismissive of everything you 'just' do that is 'extra effort' to him. He doesn't seem to have noticed that he assumes he is worth the effort to you but not the other way round.

That would not be tolerable to me... I think he's had enough chances from you op and he needs to get on with living in this rigid one-sided way. Good luck to him, he's going to be lonely if he can't find someone who doesn't mind being an accessory to his life.

@butterpuffed

I think he has OCD.

Your complaint when you started this thread was that he didn't invite you to his place. He has now done this and you've completely changed your complaint to him cooking you a meal. He's either a hopeless cook as he's admitted or he couldn't cope with the mess while you're there !

Nope, it was mentioned in the original post:

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc

OP, the reason, this man just isn’t the right one for you. I think it is time to cut your losses and move on.

Unless there is suddenly a massive personality change in him when you see him tonight I would cut the evening short and be home and comfy in PJs with a glass of wine, the Tennis on TV and an OLD app open.

For 8 months in, there is far too much worry and angst. Why would you burden yourself with this voluntarily?

@Naunet

I don’t understand why people keep saying this? Yes, he might have some kind of OCD, but that does not explain why he hasn’t cooked for OP at her house OR offered to clean up afterwards. OCD is no excuse for such terrible manners.

I think because the whole not letting her in his house thing is so odd it merits some kind of hypothesis. Others that can be discounted are being married or living elsewhere.

But that certainly doesn't cover the rest of his self-centred behaviour.

Saying ‘of course you can come round, you only have to ask’ smacks of, ‘of course I’ll help with the housework, you just need to tell me what needs to be done’. He’s putting all the onus on you.

To be honest, 8 months in and he’s already pissing you off by going to bed early on a Saturday, insulting your work and never inviting you round. I think you’ll be well shot!

Are you sure that it was actually his house? Popping by to feed his own fish sounds weird.

WHY on earth would any woman want to date a man who downplays their job? He thinks you can host him because you don't really have a job and are just brushing your hair all day. Therefore you are prepared to cook and clean after his big week of Being A Man.

Maybe I am picky but I wouldn't take too kindly to someone who when I expressed my concerns they dismissed them but saying don't be silly.

I haven't RTFT but I'm thinking you must have the most intense sexual chemistry to still be with a man who behaves like this after 8 months.

@OnTheSafeSide

"OCD is no excuse for such terrible manners."

Nor Misogyny!

Indeed, and that’s clearly what it comes down to, not autism, or OCD, or anxiety, just your standard misogyny- I don’t know why some women fall over themselves to provide excuses for this men, as if misogynistic men are such rare unicorns.

The more you write about him, the less appealing he sounds.