Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
ejhhhhh · 11/09/2021 14:14

*it does NOT make it OK..

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/09/2021 14:16

Sorry but he sounds like hard work, and not a keeper. Everything is on YOU. All the time.

My OH didn't know how to cook when I first met him (he was almost 50!). I wasn't going to put up with that so taught him the basics and bought him some cookbooks. Turns out it was a mostly a confidence thing; he's now proud of being able to cook for me when I'm at his. And I cook for him when we're at mine. I'd say we're 50/50. Which is how it should be really.

Good luck this evening and walk away with your head held high if he fails to meet the standard you expect (and deserve).

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/09/2021 14:24

@ejhhhhh

YABVU, I do think it’s unreasonable that you’re even considering it. This isn’t about DP’s ex, why all the info about her behaviour? That is irrelevant because the only thing your DP should be considering is his DD, it does make it OK for him to move 300 miles away because his ex has done similar. If you move, he’s abandoning his DD. That may sound harsh, but that’s exactly what a parent voluntarily moving such a long way so as to make them inaccessible is, it’s abandonment, and I’d be surprised if that is not how his DD will perceive it. Just because he can by virtue of the fact that he’s not her full time carer and mum will just have to pick up the slack, doesn’t make it any better.
@ejhhhhh wrong thread..?
ElspethFlashman · 11/09/2021 14:26

I really want to know if he's as begrudging of effort in bed as he is out of it.

layladomino · 11/09/2021 14:49

Oh he sounds really selfish, sexist and quite boring.

The shock that you work long hours / have busy days at work?
The expecting you to do all the hosting as default, and explaining it's because it's less hassle for him after a week at work?
Asking if you've been subathing or shopping on a work day?
On the one occasion you went to his to eat you had to bring and cook your own food?
You've told him your concerns many times but he's ignored / dismissed them?
He wants things always his way.

Let us know how you get on tonight! I have a feeling you won't be taking any more rubbish excuses from him!

FleasInMyKnees · 11/09/2021 14:56

What do you like about him, make a list of positive and negative points and see which list is longer.

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/09/2021 15:17

To me it's clear that any relationship you have with him will always be on his terms - what you eat, where you go, what you do.

Get rid before he gets his feet even more firmly under your table.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 15:51

So he's a bit boring, likes to delegate all hosting to you, doesn't cook, is a fussy eater, thinks you're lazy, undervalues and underestimates your work, goes to bed early without you on a Saturday night, constantly prioritises his own preferences over yours, is passive aggressive if you assert your own preferences, won't compromise, can't anticipate your needs and complains he has to clean up his own mess in his own house

This. OCD doesn't cause or excuse being a misogynist.

He must be much more tired than OP even though they both work full time. He has to carry around that penis all week at his Big Important Job after all, the poor lamb.

cheshirebloke · 11/09/2021 16:05

I've not read all the updates in this thread, but it sounds like you always cook your own stuff when you're together? That sounds a bit odd to me, unless one of you has an EXTREMELY restricted diet to prevent it. Surely it must be possible for you to find a mutually compatible meal on the couple of evenings a week that you actually eat together? You're both free to eat whatever you like most of the rest of the time.

If he's really that lacking in confidence in the kitchen, then offer to cook things with him and teach him. Choosing a meal, the cooking and eating of it together is a fairly intrinsic aspect of a relationship for me.

I'm in sort of the opposite scenario to the OP - my partner has never been to my house (in 3 years), except once to bring her kids for a play date. I go to hers whenever I'm child free, which is typically every other weekend. I've invited her to mine many times in the past, but she'd always have an excuse or find a reason to back out. It got to the stage where I started to feel guilty about asking her because I knew I was forcing her to think up an excuse! So I just don't ask anymore.

Now, I like going to her place, but I'm very conscious about trying not to get under her feet/outstay my welcome. Being a courteous guest can be as 'stressful' as being hosting. And while it might seem to be convenient on the face of it, being away from home is actually quite inconveniencing too - I can't catch up my housework, get the laundry done etc. My partner can carry on as normal, in fact I often end up helping her with hers to give us more free time together.

I get that in some ways it's far more convenient for her to host me than for her to come to mine. I can travel light, small bag with a change of clothes, whereas she would have a lot more stuff to pack to come to mine - make up, medical supplies etc. She also has a dog, which I've no problem with her bringing to my house (I've even dog sat for her when she's gone away, so her dog has actually spent more time at my house than my partner has herself). But there's the added inconvenience of bringing food and dog paraphernalia with her as well.

It does frustrate me a bit that she never comes to mine though. I'm just not sure anything I say would change it. It's basically a case of me making the effort to go to visit her or we wouldn't see each other.

ejhhhhh · 11/09/2021 16:41

Oh yes @TractorAndHeadphones, wrong thread! But MN has deleted it now so that's fine. On reflection, I don't think my comment actually added much to the intended thread, they were all the same anyway!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 11/09/2021 16:52

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I've just remembered another excuse he gave a while ago "there's more to do near yours". That may be but we both have cars and legs. When I suggested once before we went to a local restaurant for dinner near mine that it would be nice to try a new bar beforehand for one drink he dismissed this idea as HE doesn't drink "so there's not much point" Angry he then went back to watching whatever was on TV while I sat there all dressed up feeling like a twat.
The more you say, the less there seems to redeem him tbh
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 16:53

Just practising my war cry Grin he won't know what's hit him!! I really don't think he's expecting me to get tough with him and walk away so he's in for a shock.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 11/09/2021 16:58

@TractorAndHeadphones well exactly, the self employed people l know are more committed and involved than a lot of salaried employees. The commitment of being self employed is one of the things that put me off it. It’s usually a tough gig

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 17:01

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Just practising my war cry Grin he won't know what's hit him!! I really don't think he's expecting me to get tough with him and walk away so he's in for a shock.
OP I think it's worth you reassessing what you've put up with here - this man has dismissed and minimised your work, your status as a professional and the effort you put into your career. Presumably because you're a woman and / or because you're self employed.

Which means he's a misogynist, an idiot or both.

Regardless of the hosting issue (which is bad enough) doesn't that make you just totally unattracted to him?!

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 17:08

He once asked me if I'd figured out what I was going to do work-wise long term - I think he sees my business as more of a hobby Confused when I said "this" he looked a bit taken aback!

OP posts:
fidgetmad · 11/09/2021 17:17

Good luck tonight @cheesecakeisacompletemeal

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 17:18

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He once asked me if I'd figured out what I was going to do work-wise long term - I think he sees my business as more of a hobby Confused when I said "this" he looked a bit taken aback!
Ok but why are you ok enough with his attitude to your work that you've stayed with him?!
CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2021 17:26

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He once asked me if I'd figured out what I was going to do work-wise long term - I think he sees my business as more of a hobby Confused when I said "this" he looked a bit taken aback!
Is your job a creative role op? There are many who think that a creative job isn't a 'proper' job.
Doomscrolling · 11/09/2021 17:36

Wishing you well this evening!

TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 17:38

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He once asked me if I'd figured out what I was going to do work-wise long term - I think he sees my business as more of a hobby Confused when I said "this" he looked a bit taken aback!
What area is your business?
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 17:42

Yes sort of - I'm a music teacher.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 17:50

Whats with all the walks and sunbathing stuff the ? 🤔

Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 18:01

Because I work in the evenings occasionally I guess, but on the whole I am quite busy all day!

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 11/09/2021 18:03

He must be much more tired than OP even though they both work full time. He has to carry around that penis all week at his Big Important Job after all, the poor lamb

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My biggest laugh for a while!

EarringsandLipstick · 11/09/2021 18:05

OP, it doesn't sound like you remotely like this man.

You are entirely within your rights to want him to actively arrange for you both to spend time at his house. I also note the other things he says, about your work.

Just end it then. The idea of going around with your 'war cry' sounds awful. Why put him on the spot & under pressure? You either like him & see it continuing or you don't.