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Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:
Wintertime1973 · 11/09/2021 11:49

Hi,

I would go along and get it over and done with. Listen to what he as to say and the effort he may or may not put in...

cookingisoverrated · 11/09/2021 11:50

@mewkins

I think he has some deep-rooted ideas that you should be looking after him because that's what a woman does. I think you will struggle to get an equal relationship out of this. He seems to have no concept of the fact that it is really rude to expect you to bring and cook your own at yours. I think you can do much better than this x
I agree with this assessment. He will keep lapsing into what he perceives to be your role in the relationship if you let him... but why should that burden of constantly setting him straight fall to you? Another job ...
FlatteredFool · 11/09/2021 11:52

Seriously, time to call it a day. No relationship should be this must work or angst after 8 months.

MrsMaizel · 11/09/2021 11:52

Just give yourself and the guy a break and dump him . It shouldn't be as difficult as this .

MamDancer · 11/09/2021 11:55

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬
Fucks sake OP. You said you'd leave at the first sign of misogyny and weirdness - he's already shown this in spades many times. You had to take your own food and cook it the only time he deigned to allow you into his Palace Of Clean And Tidy? Confused

Also this
He has this super big important clever job but apparently a recipe is beyond his intellectual capabilities.

EarthSight · 11/09/2021 11:55

@ddl1

I think you need to make it very clear that you do NOT mind if the house is in a bit of a state, and are not going to judge him on his housework; but that you do feel excluded if he doesn't ever have you to his home. His saying as the main reason for not having you come that he is 'behind on the housework' suggests that he fears your judging him on this - and worries more about that than your possibly thinking he's 'scrounging' if he only ever comes to yours. I would NOT mention his tidying up for his boss but not for you, as this may increase the pressure that he feels to have things 'perfect' and his possible tendency to feel that you are in the same category as his boss, and that he has to please you through tidiness. It does sound as though he feels very perfectionist and anxious about these things

I can sympathize a bit, as I myself have a lot of anxiety about people criticizing me for inefficiency in things like housework and cooking, or just watching me while I do these things (I have some co-ordination difficulties, which badly affect my confidence).. However, I would also not allow myself to get into a situation where others are hosting me all the time without my doing anything in return. I would probably suggest that on most occasions we have tea or coffee rather than a full-blown meal on either side.

With some people - more often women than men, I think - it can reach a poinr where they find it very stressful to have visitors at all in case they notice some blemish or untidiness.

What would bother me the most in this particular case is that he seems to assume that you're not really working like he is. Either he is being sexist, or just doesn't understand the nature of your job, or both.

I get your point @ddl1 because certain traits can be seen across box sexes....however, there is a lot of cultural baggage still in our society which tells men that a woman's role is to flap around them, make them happy and wait on them. Domestic things like cooking, cleaning and hosehold drudgery is still seen as being less valuable, low-status activities, and that's on top of any other issues like selfishness or manipulation. Women have to contend with this and make sure that they don't end up in an unbalanced relationship for the rest of their lives. Just because a woman does 'x', doesn't mean it's for exactly the same reasons that a man does 'x'.
EarthSight · 11/09/2021 11:56

Sorry 'both sexes'

EarthSight · 11/09/2021 12:02

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Actually no, why would I want to spoil two days of my weekend?! I'll go tonight but whatever happens I won't be staying over and will do my own thing tomorrow. Time to take back control!
Sadly, I think any sense of triumph you feel here will be short lived. If he is selfish, manipulative, perfectionist or a closet chauvanist, those things are pretty deeply ingrained. Do you want to keep contending with those traits for the next few years? If he was really into you and willing to the extra mile, I think he would have shown you by now. It comes across like you're lovely and pleasant to be around, but not great enough for him to do these things for you. Sadly, I suspect it's one of a few things you will need to put up with if you stay with him.
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 12:04

I don't think I will end up staying with him. I am curious though to see what he has to say and what he does tonight to make me feel welcome. I suspect he will do little to improve the situation.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 11/09/2021 12:06

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Actually no, why would I want to spoil two days of my weekend?! I'll go tonight but whatever happens I won't be staying over and will do my own thing tomorrow. Time to take back control!
Why not give any time with him this weekend a miss? Just don't bother, message him that your busy and then relax, walk the dog, have a coffee out, whatever takes your fancy and then see him (at his) during the week. You have spent the last 8 months waiting on him hand and foot every weekend, have a weekend off and think if you want to actually continue with him.
MotherofTerriers · 11/09/2021 12:10

I'd dump him OP. He's said that he prefers to come to yours because its less effort for him. And he must know that the reason for that is that its more effort for you. He doesn't believe you work hard.

This is who he is - he might make a bit of effort for a little while to keep you on the hook but fundamentally he has a big important job and doesn't want to spend time doing housework/meal planning/cooking and you don't have a big important job so you can do it.
No way round that one

AntiHop · 11/09/2021 12:13

The more you write about him, the less appealing he sounds.

SecondRow · 11/09/2021 12:13

Presumably he has been careful to mention the gym and helping his dad - such a NiceGuy TM - to make clear that today is yet another of those days that it would be just too much to expect him to visit the supermarket and slave over a hot stove ON TOP of all that...

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/09/2021 12:14

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬
Who the FUCK has people around and doesn't feed them? He could order a takeaway, a ready meal. If someone does'n't have this basic level of consideration you can expect fuck all when you need them (e.g. illness or whataver). well done for standing up OP
5329871e · 11/09/2021 12:21

I’ve read all your posts OP. The heart of the problem is, he’s selfish. Might be hard to make a life with someone like that.

Joystir59 · 11/09/2021 12:28

He just sounds like another misogynist who doesn't see women as real people. He wants you to look after him. He doesn't want to reciprocate because that's not his role.

grapewine · 11/09/2021 12:38

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He also seems to think that as I am self employed I don't really work or have a proper job. The other day he looked gobsmacked when I said I started work at 6am and finished at about 7pm so was really tired. I genuinely think he thinks I waft around the house painting my nails and stuff.
This would be the real problem for me. Disrespectful as fuck attitude.
Original poster
cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 12:43

I've just remembered another excuse he gave a while ago "there's more to do near yours". That may be but we both have cars and legs. When I suggested once before we went to a local restaurant for dinner near mine that it would be nice to try a new bar beforehand for one drink he dismissed this idea as HE doesn't drink "so there's not much point" Angry he then went back to watching whatever was on TV while I sat there all dressed up feeling like a twat.

OP posts:
VeryLongBeeeeep · 11/09/2021 12:44

I've read the entire thread and the only thing I'm surprised at is that it's lastd eight months. I appreciate he's annoyed you so you're probably venting about his bad points, but he doesn't sound 'lovely' - he sounds selfish, rigid, dismissive and misogynistic.

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/09/2021 12:45

@VeryLongBeeeeep

I've read the entire thread and the only thing I'm surprised at is that it's lastd eight months. I appreciate he's annoyed you so you're probably venting about his bad points, but he doesn't sound 'lovely' - he sounds selfish, rigid, dismissive and misogynistic.
I have to say that I agree with this.

I think you're bending over backwards to justify why this relationship is continuing and he's never going to do anything like that for you.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 11/09/2021 12:47

I don’t think this man is able to communicate with you in the way that you need.

grapewine · 11/09/2021 12:53

@VeryLongBeeeeep

I've read the entire thread and the only thing I'm surprised at is that it's lastd eight months. I appreciate he's annoyed you so you're probably venting about his bad points, but he doesn't sound 'lovely' - he sounds selfish, rigid, dismissive and misogynistic.
Agreed!
TellingBone · 11/09/2021 12:54

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I've just remembered another excuse he gave a while ago "there's more to do near yours". That may be but we both have cars and legs. When I suggested once before we went to a local restaurant for dinner near mine that it would be nice to try a new bar beforehand for one drink he dismissed this idea as HE doesn't drink "so there's not much point" Angry he then went back to watching whatever was on TV while I sat there all dressed up feeling like a twat.
Right. That would be enough for me OP. You can never go to a pub together?

Next!

YukoandHiro · 11/09/2021 13:00

He doesn't sound like a keeper OP, but I'm intrigued to see how tonight turns out. Keep us posted.

Concestor · 11/09/2021 13:03

I'd just finish it. He sounds incredibly selfish and hard work. Why waste your time on him? He won't change, he doesn't want to, or he would have by now

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